MM: Normal for MM to Maturbate to Ex or One-Nighter? Does Anyone Wank to the Wife?

[sunseed]

I need some honesty from committed guys here. I'm a newlywed and my husband recently revealed to me that when he takes care of business, he often recalls a one-nighter from college that he regrets not having more nights with. I've never heard of that before and I didn't like it when I heard about it. To give a little background on him, he didn't pursue this college girl further because he thought his female friends would think badly of him. Also, he ties this "regret" to a larger regret that he didn't sow his wild oats when he had the chance. He says these regrets are normal in committed men his age (30). Are they?

 

He says he loves me, is committed to me and wants to get into good habits, so that's good, and we're opening up more about sex these days. We've lately been having good conversations about sex and I've even been there once while he masturbated, which is new for us and very welcome for me. (I've been asking for 2 years!) On me, I'm 32, fit, generally appraised as "hot," have had about 3 times as many lovers as my H, and am 100% sure that my wild oats are sown. I married him without regrets and find his to be a little threatening.

 

So as I said: I need to get some honesty here from MM who plan to stay that way: Are these regrets typical? Do men often stroke about exes they wish they'd been with more? And while I have your attention, is it at all usual to wank to the wife? Cuz I'd love that!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, I'm not a MM, but I've been married twice so let me see if I have anything to add.

 

First of all, it was extremely poor judgement of him to tell you what he masturbates to. While honesty is all good in a relationship, this is kind of hurtful, IMO. Secondly, I find it a little strange that you would even ask what he masturbates to.

 

Here's why- to me, masturbation is private. Not necessarily when you're with a partner doing it, but when you're alone. If I want to masturbate and sometimes I do, I don't consider it my partner's business. Nor do I consider it my business when he does.

 

My first husband masturbated alot, his sex drive was much higher than mine. I never made an issue out of it. We were married over ten years. I knew when he did it, but I never really said anything about it, it was private.

 

He would always be upset with me if he found out I did, considering his drive was higher. But, many times, when I would get the urge he wouldn't be home to satisfy the urge.

 

Sometimes it's just a stress relief! It helps you to relax and fall asleep. I know it does me!

 

My current H doesn't seem to masturbate much. His drive is more like mine and we're meeting each other's need for sex. If he does, I have no knowledge of when he does. When we were dating, he did though I know.

 

If I were you I wouldn't take it personally. I'm sure he does think about you when he masturbates. Here is another tip- don't ask questions that you really are not sure you're going to like the answer to! That will help out alot! His masturbation however, is likely not a reflection of you or how satisfied he is with the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82760/

 

The above thread might help you out.

 

I honestly think when talking about fantasizes, masterbation and what your spouse thinks about is private UNLESS the person asking is prepared for any answer. Good or bad.

 

Some things are better left alone, and this is one of them. Because he shared those thoughts now you doubt him and his love for you. Unless he is giving you other reasons to think he might be cheating on you I wouldn't worry so much about it.

[sunseed]

Not asking about fantasy totally makes sense to me and that has worked in my past relationships so I agree. I didn't ask about the fantasy. He volunteered it in a conversation we were having about his use of porn, which had been a year-long secret he'd been keeping that had unfortunately concurred with a sexual dry spell for us and consistent fighting over nothing. In other words: guilt. It may have been bad judgment for him to talk about it, I don't know. I do know it hurt and you're right about that.

 

I think what makes me feel threatened about it is the regrettedly un-sown wild oats...

[sunseed]

I'd like to add that I've tried explaining to him that guilt and shame are wicked awful things that do no good in the sexual realm and in fact only make things much worse. I've also told him that I'VE used porn and have been masturbating since I was a teen and who cares? But he clings to shame and regret about it all, so I'm kind of stuck. Did I mention his family never once talked about sex when he was growing up? Oy.

[tweldy]

I'm not sure about this one. One part of me says your husband is being honest and forthright and that's quite commendable. Those feelings are not something easy to be forthright about. If the two of you work through them together this might strengthen your sex life and, ergo, your marriage. Another part of me says that a 20 year old saying that is one thing, a 30 year old should be a little less concerned about the 'wild oat' thing.

 

Nevertheless, to answer your questions:

 

Are these regrets typical?

Yes, but not necessarily heathy.

 

Do men often stroke about exes they wish they'd been with more?

Really depends on the man. I don't have any exes that I wish I'd been with more. Actually, I have an ex I wished I'd been with a hell of a lot less, but that's probably a feeling many of us are familiar with. I can say that at times I felt like I wish I had more lovers before I got married, but its not something that would register as a full-blown 'regret'.

 

Your ratio of former relationships could play into this a little. Maybe your husband is insecure about his sexual experience and feels like you might think him not as good a lover as your previous lovers. Unable to identify this feeling, he might projects it as a regret that he didn't have more sexual experiences in his youth. Or, perhaps, he deep down he is jealous that you have more experience than he does.

 

And while I have your attention, is it at all usual to wank to the wife?

Before Children:

Too busy having sex with wife to wank to wife

After Children:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH yeah.

 

Cuz I'd love that!!!

Well, I'd say you should take digital pics or make a movie for some material, but I've read too many "My dumb@$$ husband posted pics of me" threads lately. Maybe you should give him some more 'live' performances.

[TUDOR]

I can't believe there is more than one post on guys talking about what the jerk it to today, I need to start revoking man cards if this keeps up.

 

Sunseed, as a MM I can tell you that yes I have thought about past lovers or one night stands during my private time and yes I also think of the wife at times. And for the record my sexual past is about 10 times that of my wife, so not like I have any curiousities or unsewn wild oats. Marriage means foresaking all others moving forward but it doesn't erase your past. When you commit to one flavor of icecream say cookies-n-cream for the rest of your life, you may find yourself thinking back to the days of when you had strawberry.

 

What comes to mind when a guy masterbates can be completly random or sparked from something that may have reminded him of something or someone from his past. The fact he is willing to do it in front you says a lot about both of your comfort levels and a good sign. A lot of guys will only do that in private and many wifes get all weirded out if they catch you doing it. Seems to me you have a healthy sex life and what he thinks about while spanking his monkey shouldn't take away from that or be a concern to you.

[whichwayisup]

Good post TUDOR.

[TUDOR]

Good post TUDOR.

 

Thanks. Man I had no idea guys were so eager to tell there partners what they think about while spanking it. Note to self, never, never ever share the sick and twisted things that I think of while punching my clown with the wife.

[whichwayisup]

I don't ask my husband, and he doesn't ask me.

 

Fantasies are different when together and having sex, but the thoughts with masterbation alone is private.

 

Now, I'm starting a thread in the watercooler section about this stuff...see ya in there!

[michelangelo]

Is that you should de-emphasize the idea that you have slept with three times as many people as he has.

 

His whistfulness over some gal in college could be a result of him feeling like he should have had more lovers since you have had them.

[cal gal]

From a woman's perspective.....

 

Even if you didn't or weren't thinking about your wife while helping yourself, you might do yourself a favor and tell her you were thinking of her; if she's asking!

 

There would be a reason for her asking, she needs reassurance that you fantasize about her and find her attractive. Also,

 

It will help you get laid.....

[carmaenforcer]

I am a happily married man with intention of staying that way for life.

Yes, it is normal for committed men to regret not having done more with their single years.

I can't speak for women since I am not one, but my ex-GF actually then fiancée broke up with me for almost three weeks because she claimed that she regretted not having more lovers and wanted to "sowe her wild oats". So I'm sure at least some women have regrets about either the number of men the had relations with or the one that got away. The trick is to have some tact and know what is appropriate to disclose to you mate or not, the wrong thing said can plant a seed of doubt and insecurity that will kill a relationship, trust me I know about this. I never really got over my ex wanting to sleep with other people, I never felt comfortable with her hanging out with new guy friends after that and my trust in her was shot, so I finally ended our relationship of 10 years. I always had it in my head that if she could pull this kind of **** after being together for 9 years, could I trust her to stay forever?

Hopefully you can get it out of your head and just tell him to keep his regrets of not getting enough tail to himself or share them with his friends of the same gender, that's where this topic belongs, not with your H or W and not with friends of the opposite sex.

 

Yes, I have masturbated to my ex's long after we were not together anymore, haven't since I've gotten together with my Wife, but did in the past. And I do also take care of myself to pictures of my Wife, I prefer it, heck sometimes she poses for me. Acn we say, happiest man alive...

 

NO! I do not nor will I ever will tell my current partner that I have masturbated to thoughts of women from my past. Nor will I ever tell her whom I regret not having or not having enough relations with. That's just stupid and shows a total lack of common sense or he likes the reaction, which would make him sadistic and that's not good.

[Jeffrey]

I for the most part, peruse porn when I do myself and most of the time I also think of my DW while doing it, we like to watch it together as foreplay and so those are the experiences I like to relive in my fantasies.

 

Otherwise, I'll just enjoy the eye candy and just go, I don't fantasize about anyone REAL other than my DW.

[sunseed]

Michelangelo, you're onto something. My H has stated that he tries not to think about my experiences per se, but really he wishes he had as much experience as I had. It's jealousy, yes, but not born of possessiveness. He just wishes he could have done all that too, or failing that, at least have known me ("known" me? hee) back then. He's always said that he likes to think about my wilder side and my crazier days when I was a sex-positive feminist single girl. His term for me now? "Reformed bad girl." That always cracks me up.

 

Anyway, getting back to topic, I'd like to respond to carmaenforcer. I think you're right to say that it was bad judgment to tell me. He's currently exploring his sexuality through talk therapy and talking with me, and what he's recently concluded is that most of his hangups boil down to shame and fear over being a pretty normal male. This has been a problem since he became sexually active, having grown up in a repressed environment. I think that telling me the fantasy was his way of trying to do SOMEthing about it, however clumsily. It hurt like crazy since it was tied to regret, and it's exactly that regret that he says he wants to shed.

 

As for his masturbation, I say wank on, and shame-free for cryin' out loud. We're still playing with, um, accompanied masturbation (which has been way fun!) and have talked about pictures. Tweldy, I told him about your comment over the posts re: H sending photos around on web and before I could finish my sentence he swore on everything that he'd never ever do that.

Incidentally, thank you Tweldy for your funny post. In fact, thank you everyone! I really appreciate the honesty and respect.

[Pendawn]

I imagine that the guys are jerking off not to the actual woman but to the speficis acts/sensations/events. We all know that sometimes sex is hotter than others even with the same person. A guy thinking about this really hot one night stand or night with an ex is mroe about what happened and less about the actual woman involved.

[Bob Dole]

I'd have to agree with the others - I'm sure the vast majority of men (married and single) at least occassionally fantasize about past lovers.

 

What concerns me is that your husband actually told you that specifically. *THAT* in my opinion, is not even close to normal. Nor is it healthy.

 

You definitely shouldn't take it personally and I'm sure (I hope) that he didn't mean to hurt you. But sharing that detail seems likely to cause pain, and I'm not sure why he would tell you that - unless maybe you specifically asked him the question and he's just an entirely honest guy.

[KonRyuu]

Hmm...I read something about this in a magazine once. I forget which one. If you really want to have an honest, very sexually active relationship. You could always start asking him what his fantasies are and sharing yours, everybody has fantasies, and they are almost always different. If it's something like a threesome, that doesn't mean go and find another girl, maybe you could pretend like there is another girl, some guys like this very much.

 

You could always try doing role play together, that makes things even more fun in my opinion and aren't so likely to cause problems in the relationship unless you are totally comfortable in the fantasy thing, I know I sure as hell wouldn't be. Personally, I masturbate to my wife, picturing her in different outfits and different locations. I mean, we've done it in front of people and they didn't know it, in gas station bathrooms, airplanes. Those random types of places definately spice it up and make it less likely for men to masturbate to other women and focus solely on you when they're doing their business.

 

The only kind of fantasizing a man can do if the only place you make love is the bedroom is pretty much always the same fantasy. Men are more visual animals, we do best looking at pics, which is a reason why a lot of men masturbate to porn, while more women masturbate to things they fantasize about. By dressing up in different uniforms or doing it in different places, can help create this visual for your hubby and will help him out in masturbating to the thought of you and nobody else.

 

About the oats thing, you should have a serious talk with him and ask him if he regrets getting married, don't let it be an angry conversation, or else he will lie to you and you will never know how he truly feels until something like cheating happens. You know, according to the Bible, if you're Christian, any time you even think of being with any other person, in God's eyes, it is the same as physically cheating on somebody.

 

If he's Christian you should tell him about this, it's all sin and will all lead you to one place and you know what that is. Just don't be judgemental about it, since god is the only judge right?

[Shrimp]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This comment is slightly out of the box but you need to understand before you judge.

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Interesting comments! I have a high sex drive and masturbation was once very private in my life. As a young man I masturbated very often and at least 5 times or more a day. Let me explained a little about my wife and me. I have known her since she was 14teen she is now 47 and one pretty woman. She does not have and never did have a high sex drive. It wasn’t that the she did not love me. She just did not think sex was important. I never understood any of this and wondered if it was me that she was not attracted too. I pursued her often to find out by having sex with another man. It was only in the last 5 years that I found out a lot about her. In the time I masturbated a lot. I did this in my own private way. I also found that I was smaller that most men. Was this the reason? I will get to the point! I never cheated on my wife in all this time. Is masturbation cheating? We had a threesome with a younger man and she experienced that large cock. I watched and did not masturbate but joined in. it only happened once in this way. It did spark her and sex was terrific. She was different and would freely walk around naked and allow me to take many pictures of her in many positions. I even posted them on the internet with her permission. The response to them was unbelievable from many people and it lifted her self esteem. We organised another meeting with another man who was older than me. I was 48 at the time her was 57. He and his wife ended up being a close friend to us. The arrangement was to have sex with my wife. It was interesting to not that he also had a childhood marriage that at the time of all this was without love. But it was a situation that was destined for disaster. He ended up being the person my wife feel in love with. The situation ended and friendships broken. My wife returned back to me and her family and her ways of not enjoying or wanting sex. The older man also encouraged her to leave me as well as telling her that what we had done with the young man was discussing. It was a sad time and I was destined to be alone. On the last hour before I was to leave the family home she asked if I wanted to see if we could give it a go again. It has been 3 years since that dark time. I now masturbate freely in bed with her permission. I have decided to enjoy what I like doing while loving my wife. With a small dick I also have decide that I even like her to humiliate me about the size of my dick. She on occasions masturbates me. She is still not interested in anything else. We have also agreed that because she would prefer no intercourse that I only play with her while I masturbate. My life is reasonably open and I masturbate in front of her. I do get a guilt feeling some times. I have learnt to like that feeling of not being allowed sex with my wife and I have even asked her if she as shared with her closest friend that I am small. It sounds strange but humiliation of that nature turns me on. If that is all I am going to get I am satisfied as I love her so much. We haven’t had intercourse in over a year and prior to that it was far and few between. It would always be me that would instigate intercourse. I know this is hard to believe but it is true. She would freely allow me to have intercourse with her but I feel I am pushing myself on her. I have said to her that if she ever needed that side of sex that I may not be able to give her she if free to do so. I know this is a risk but I am prepared to take that chance. Ask me what you want and I will be honest. Even I need to understand all of this. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Shrimp [/FONT][/sIZE]

[Guest]

I now masturbate freely in bed with her permission.

 

What? You need your wifes permission to masterbate? I am a woman, and I feel men and woman should masterbate whenever they want. I would never allow my husband to tell me I could only masterbate in fornt of him.

 

With a small dick I also have decide that I even like her to humiliate me about the size of my dick.

 

That, IMO, is horrible. Do you think you have a small penis because you were not as big as the other man she had sex with? Just because he was bigger, does in no way imply you are small.

 

Ok, lets say you are on the smaller side. So what! I would never, ever, tell anyone, let alone my husband that he was small and make fun of him. That is someone who shows lack of class. BUT, I guess if you ask her to and you enjoy it, then its what you want. I somehow think that being degraded, especially from someone you love so much, can only do major damage in the end.

 

Now, the size issue. If size is such a big deal, tell your wife that make dildos for a reason.

 

She is still not interested in anything else. We have also agreed that because she would prefer no intercourse that I only play with her while I masturbate.

 

I hear alot about her, but what about you? You have told her you want intercourse, but she refuses? I just cant see this relationship as healthy, sorry.

 

 

I have learnt to like that feeling of not being allowed sex with my wife ........... We haven’t had intercourse in over a year and prior to that it was far and few between.

 

This is just so not fair to you.

 

Do you really want to live the rest of your life doing what someone else wants you to do?

 

Sex is something that two married people should always look forward to sharing. When it becomes a chore, or just dont want to do it, something is really lacking or dying in a relationship, IMO.

 

I think you deserve a wife that will grab you, touch you, kiss your ear, your neck, lips and just take you and make you feel like a man.

[uncool]

this thread is going weird but I'll reply anyway.

 

Sunseed, you mentioned a dry spell. A common reason for male masterbation is if he's being sexually starved by his wife. So why the dry spell?

By not letting him make love to you, he might think you're telling him to stop loving you.

-as a MM I masterbate thinking of my wife 90% of the time, since it's her I want to be inside in the first place.

By letting you know about his masterbation, he's probably crying a desperate plea for the sexual dry-spell to end. It probably was you he was masterbating to. He probably just said it was somebody else to get back at you. Stop being so mean and let your husband back in. Unless of course you don't really want him.

[sunseed]

Please pardon my defensiveness but I have to say here and now that it's not mean to refuse your husband sex if that's what you have to do. It's only truly "mean" if it's some kind of blackmail move--not my deal. But maybe you were just kidding when you called me mean. I do say no once in a while, since sometimes I'm not in the mood for this or that reason, or because due to the way I'm built down there, I need to recover after sex for a few days. But it's not meanness. I refuse gently and lovingly, not in a harsh or rejecting way. I make a point of that so he doesn't feel hurt.

 

Anyway, moving on: I appreciate your insight. I think you may be right that a crying out was at play, and it may have been for more sex as much as it may have been for understanding. He's made some mistakes in the past (as everyone has) and even though his history falls well within the bounds of normalcy, he has shame about it. My personal feeling, as my H has confirmed, is that this shame contributed to a sense that he shouldn't bother me with his every desire, so a no here or there from me was enough for HIM to want to shut down for a while, causing the dry spell I mentioned. (It wasn't me, honey!) Since we communicated about this, I'm happy to say, that spell is in the past. Thanks for your post.

[IrishRod]

It was mentioned earlier, and I have to agree, that it was in poor taste for your H to tell you what he thinks of while stroking it. I personally have used it for fantasies and to recall an exceptionally great moment so, I think it is common for men to use their own experiences.

 

I have used the image of my wife several times while masturbating. I have created a lot of great moments with her. I would say that wanking to the wife is not uncommon.