In the middle of a second chance...

[oss91]

Broke up two months ago. I basically said that was fine, she asked why I was taking this so much better than she was, and that was it. Didn't talk much for two months and only saw one another sporadically. Well, after she got hurt a few times by some guys, she came crawling back and pretty much begged for me to take her back. I knew this would happen. I told her I'd think about it, and we should take things slowly, which we are. Now however, I'm not so sure I really want to take her back. Granted, I really enjoy her company and think she's a great girl, but there are definitely some things about her that I don't like. Seeing as how she's the one who broke up with me, then came back and wants to restart the relationship, it makes logical sense, to me at least, that she should be the one putting forth the most effort. Somehow though, I feel as though I am putting forth more effort than she is. For instance, I never before got on AIM, but now find myself logging on every time I am online just to give her the opportunity to talk with me. Weak, I know. I believe I am making things too easy on her. I really hate to play games, because I think it's pretty childish to screw with someone's heart, but I am about to the point where I think it's necessary. Maybe I'm making it too easy on her. Should I play hard to get? I am pretty convinced she wanted to get back together because I gave her the space she thought she wanted and then started to miss me. I don't know. I only see her on the weekends (at most) because we live more than an hour apart due to school, so it's not that I am around that often. Should I just pull back and see what her reaction is? Dammit, relationships are supposed to be fun, and this is just driving me crazy. I don't know if I'm willing to put up with much more of this.

[sosuga]

Well I do know how you feel But here's the thing...it sounds to me like youre in the mindset that since she screwed up and came back, its all up to her to make things well with you. Do you really think she'll keep doing all the hard work in the relationship forever? She's going to start getting resentful if you dont forgive her and start seeing that you are in this relationship as well and you have to do your part.

 

I know what it feels like for them to start pulling away, but you also have to consider how old it'll get once they start to realize that you think youre perfect and theyre forever in your debt for taking them back. At some point you have to start over and see that it takes two to tango.

 

Obviously if what youre doing right now isnt making any difference in her attitude, then you need to change up the situation. But, please keep in mind that you can only control your self and your emotions/thoughts, so trying to manipulate her into anything wont be a good call if you want a future with her. But if youre trying to get her to notice that you wont be around forever if she keeps up the icy attitude, then sure...back off a little. Just enough for her to notice something changed.

[Dinnj1]

if you pull back... she'll most likely become relentless. A nag, needy, and annoying. She'll become... "ME" But I'm learning.

[oss91]

I defintely don't expect her to make all of the work by herself. That being said, up until this weekend I was still unsure of her sincerity about getting back together and thus let her initiate ALL contact. Couldn't tell if she really liked being with me, or is just trying to use me as a "safe harbor" while she repairs the damage.

 

We've both decided, mutually, to simply wipe the slate clean and start over. I truly believe this is the only way to have a lasting relationship. Many people talk about "forgive but don't forget". It's good advice, but I feel that unless we try and forget about what happened and move on, we will never truly forgive one another, nor will we be able to work things out.

 

Here's the thing though. She came in town Saturday and called me Saturday afternoon wanting me to come over for a little while and then she was going out with one her other guy friends. I was taking a nap and said "no", and she proclaimed I was being difficult. Ha. Well, she ends up changing her plans to make time for me and to spend time together that evening for dinner, etc. I admit I was kind of aloof all night, unattached, and she had to initiate any and all contact with me. Around 11:15 I left and went to hang out with some buddies. She didn't want to go. Well fast forward 24 hours and she now texts me saying she is "frustrated" and "trying to figure things out". Granted, I think I know what's going on, but then again she is a girl and doesn't think in a rational manner I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said she wanted to think about it first and then talk once her mind is clear. That's fine. Girls are just so weird sometimes. They're fine and doing great for a while, then all of a sudden they're moody and us guys are left scratching our heads.