Saw him last night..

[lela1980]

To make a long story short, for a long time I was mad about this guy I've known for around 6 years. I was completely crazy about him but he kept rejecting me, although we were great friends. One day I got tired of it and decided to forget about him (around summer '04), I was so frustrated with the whole thing, I went to see him to give it some sort of closure and that was that. I started doing other things, started seeing other people, around September of that year he surprised me when he said he wanted to be with me, that he acted the way he acted cuz he didn't know how to act in those situations, that he'd do anything for me, but I'd become so frustrated that I told him to forget about it, that we could keep on being friends and all that but nothing more. After that he sort of dissappeared for 6 months, maybe a bit more. Then we started talking again, we never talked about "it", then I dissappeared for a while, and recently we've started talking again, like we used to before all of this happened. So last night I saw him and we talked for about 2 hours, and I don't know what to think.. I still feel that connection between us, I don't think about how he rejected me anymore, no hard feelings there, I just feel like I wanna spend more time with him, but I cannot mention anything about what happened before, because I don't know how he feels therefore he must not know how I feel (fear of being rejected again). So what should I do? I'm very confused. Thanks.

[Max Overclock]

around September of that year he surprised me when he said he wanted to be with me, that he acted the way he acted cuz he didn't know how to act in those situations, that he'd do anything for me, but I'd become so frustrated that I told him to forget about it, that we could keep on being friends and all that but nothing more.

 

OK. I'm sorry to sound judgemental on this one, but this is a situation that rings familliar for me.

 

In my opinion, both of you have made mistakes here. He should not have rejected you. Nonetheless, you care considerably for him even now, and you did then. When the poor guy explained how he initially thought very highly about you, that he cared for you very much but just felt uncomfortable in how to deal with his affection for you, what did you do?

 

You let negativity seep in and you rejected him - or worse yet, you stuck him in the old "friends zone." We both know that's a fate worse than death for a guy that deeply cares for a girl. Sorry to dump on ya here, but I'm wondering even if when you rejected him that first time, it was against your own better judgement of the situation.

 

You may well have broken his heart at that time, evidenced by the fact that...

 

After that he sort of dissappeared for 6 months, maybe a bit more.

 

Then, to add insult to injury, when you get back to talking with him, you not only never tried to help heal the situation between you both, but you then did another disappearing act for a bit.

 

I feel what you both did to each other was plainly and simply pointless. What did you both gain by rejecting each other, when your hearts were likely subconsciously telling you both to embrace the situation?

 

My advice? Here it is...

 

If by God's grace you have found your way back in each other's company, then be heartily thankful that you've both been given that second chance, and for Pete's sake, be honest with the man, and with yourself. I would encourage him to do the same.

 

If it doesn't work with honesty and heartfelt communication, then it won't work. Period.

 

Max

[lela1980]

Thanks for replying. Yes I know we both did wrong but I can't undo anything right now and neither can he. The thing now is I have no idea how he feels. Last night he went out of his route to go meet me at 4 am, we talked and laughed so much, it was incredible; but that's no sign of anything. Before leaving I asked him for a hug and it was so sweet, then he said "I haven't seen you in a long time". I don't know... should I bring up the subject? I'm afraid of rejection and of looking stupid, yet I think it would be wrong to pretend I don't remember anything, and it would be pointless to hide my feelings. Argh, this is complicated. If he does feel the same way now, I KNOW he won't say anything cuz I was the one who rejected him the last time. He's currently single, and so am I. I'm stuck here.

[Max Overclock]

I'm afraid of rejection and of looking stupid, yet I think it would be wrong to pretend I don't remember anything, and it would be pointless to hide my feelings.

 

Well, afterall, you do have a little time here. You've only re-met each other a couple of times. Nonetheless, to be frank, you may be letting pride and a fear of awkwardness get in the way of making your true feelings known.

Never NEVER let pride come in the way of affection.

 

If you let your feelings be known to him, and he rejects you, you won't die. You won't collapse into a heap of broken humanity. You will, however, know the way he feels about you, and you'll know you had the strength as a woman to put yourself out there, and take the chance for something that may not only be salvageable, but could prove to be tremendously positive in both your lives.

 

Better to know than to continue on and never know for sure.

 

If you really feel that he will not bring it up again, then you clearly have a choice to make.

 

I'm sure you can guess what I would do.

 

Max

[lela1980]

It's not pride.. I mean I pursued the guy for a long time, for more than 1 year, I used to send him emails telling him how I felt, I completely humiliated myself for such a long time and I know I must've seemed stupid and ridiculous, I can't go back to that... But I will tell him eventually.. I just wish I could find out how he feels without having to ask him.

[lela1980]

So Saturday night he texted me and we texted eacdh other for a few hours, then I called him and talked for more than an hour. We had such a good conversation, I really enjoy talking to him. So HOW do I approach the subject? I don't even know if he wants to talk about it! I know he's not gonna say anything about it, it's completely up to me.. Do you guys think he's into me? I have no idea!!

[SuperMonk]

Look lela. Men do not waste time on the phone for that long period if he wasn't at least your friend or at least intimate.

 

How about YOU ASK HIM OUT. Men shouldn't do everything, and in your selfish case - YOU must do it. YOU will pay completely for this hangout/date/whatever. YOU owe him that.

[lela1980]

I sent him an email.. I thought it was well-written, nothing cheesy, I explained to him my attitude when we had that conversation back then, and told him about the chemistry I think I felt between us the other day. I sent it, told him to check his email and went offline; I'm scared s***less of going online lol, don't know how he's gonna react, but I think I did right, I had to get it out of my system and there was no way I could approach the subject in a "live" conversation without things getting all awkward. Did I do the right thing? *crosses fingers*

[lela1980]

Well, he read the email. He texted me that we would talk when he got home (he's in the middle of moving) and I texted back "hey don't worry, I know we've had this conversation before and it's always the same outcome, we don't even have to talk cuz I know what you're gonna say" (which I guess was a pretty childish thing to say) and then we talked on the phone and he was like "don't worry, everything's fine, f*ck the past" and I'm like "that's alright, you don't have to say anything out of pity" (I guess that's how my defense mechanism works) and then he said that he wants to see me again too and I think I didn't say anything, I realized I was screwing up lol, better keep my mouth shut. Then he went on to say what he did after he got off work, then I said goodbye cuz I realized he was sleepy (and I was out having something to eat) and he said "I'll call you tomorrow" and that was that.. I feel good for having been honest, I don't regret any of it, but why do I keep thinking so negatively? I guess it's because of things that happened between us before, and my own negativity (better to think things aren't gonna work out, just in case, so I don't get hurt) but I wanna stop that. Still, I don't wanna get my hopes up, just in case.

[lela1980]

So he didn't call today.. I went online during the afternoon and he talked to me, we talked for a few minutes and then I went offline. I thought he would call (or at least text me) later in the evening but he didn't. I think he said what he said last night because he didn't wanna be rude saying the opposite, or maybe he changed his mind because of what I said ("you don't have to say anything out of pity" etc). Any advice? I don't know if I'm exaggerating here.

[Max Overclock]

So he didn't call today.. I went online during the afternoon and he talked to me, we talked for a few minutes and then I went offline. I thought he would call (or at least text me) later in the evening but he didn't. I think he said what he said last night because he didn't wanna be rude saying the opposite, or maybe he changed his mind because of what I said ("you don't have to say anything out of pity" etc). Any advice? I don't know if I'm exaggerating here.

 

Don't overanalyze things yet. He's a guy. We're not good with the phone for one thing. Don't let negativity creeep in Lela. You did right by talking to him ... though you shouldn't have let yourself be negative with the "pity" thing. Just give him a bit of space, don't crowd him. He knows how you feel. Just chill a little. Be honest and forthright with him, meet him on an equal level. If he calls, be normal about your conversation, be upbeat as you were beforehand, let him direct how much you both talk about the past. Just be a caring, fun girl to be with, and do your best to draw the good things out of him too. Build on a good foundation lela. Just let things settle back a little ...

 

But... that doesn't mean disappear altogether? Riiiiight?

[lela1980]

Thanks for replying.. I feel stupid cuz it's like I'm doing the same thing again, acting pushy (although I haven't called him today or anything), I just wanna relax and see what happens but I can't help thinking that I screwed up last night, or that I screwed up a long time ago when I rejected him in that conversation. About the going out thing, how many days should I wait for him to ask me out? I mean how many days would be a reasonable amount of time?

[lela1980]

So we're talking on msn and I ask him if he was surprised by the email.. he says that he was.. and I ask him why.. 20 minutes later, still no answer, I say "too many questions huh" and he says he's caught up at work and I'm like "ok", he didn't say anything else, I changed my nickname to "deja vu" cuz this is what he used to do before, he would keep quiet and then all of a sudden say something and then more silence. I went offline a few minutes later. I understand that he could be a little confused from all this but I'm starting to feel like a fool, and I don't know what to think. I wanna know what he's thinking but I can't keep asking him, if he can't even answer a simple question like that.

[lela1980]

Here's the story..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82948/

 

Yesterday I asked him what was he doing after work, he said he had to go buy a few things and move a few things then he wasn't doing anything, so I said I'd like to see him and he said he'd call me when he was finished. He got off work around 6 pm, at 9:45 pm I called him and he said he was still getting things out of boxes, that he'd be done shortly, would take a shower and call me. 11:10 pm and nothing, I called him again and he didn't pick up. Called him two more times (last call was at 12 am) and nothing. I left him a voicemail and a text message, saying that if he didn't wanna see me he could just say it, no big deal.

 

So this morning I go online and he says he's really sorry, that some friends came over with some beer and he drank 4 beers and fell asleep and saw the missed calls and messages this morning. And of course I'm pissed off, so I didn't say much. Then I asked him if it was safe to assume that he was not gonna fix it, and he said again that he was really sorry and that yes we could go out another day if I still wanted to. And I said that if he wanted to ask me out then do it, it's not too late yet, and if he didn't want to we could just forget about it, and he didn't say anything, went away after a while.

 

What is up here? Is this revenge? Is he scared? Or is he just not interested in me? Thanks.

[catgirl1927]

I'm sorry. It sounds like he's just not that into you. I wouldn't go out with him again if it were me.

[lela1980]

I could totally understand if he's not into me, but WHY won't he tell me? We've been friends for a long time, it's very unfair that he's doing this. I don't know if I should say anything else to him, I'm starting to feel like I'm begging him but I'm not, I just wanna know the truth.

[catgirl1927]

It is unfair. But guys are just like that. He won't tell you because he probably just doesn't want to deal with it. He's probably just hoping in his selfish little mind that you'll get the hint and go away. I know exactly how you feel and it is SO frustrating. You just have to let it go, as hard as that is, to maintain your dignity.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I don't know. He may or may not be into you. His story may or may not be true. It sounds like there's been a lot of drama and not a lot of action between the two of you in the past, but it also sounds like you might actually have a chance to start over and try again ...

 

... but you're going to kill that chance if you don't calm down a little. It's perfectly alright to freak out on the inside, but keep it on the inside (or if you've got to let it out, talk to your friends or post here or whatever, just don't send it in his direction). Last night, he said he'd call you when he finished what he was doing, but you called him before he had that chance. Mind you, I don't think that first call was the end of the world -- it was getting late and you were curious about whether the two of you were getting together. Understandable. The second call was beginning to step into the realm of a little too clingy, but still acceptable. The third and fourth calls, though, you just crashed through that clingly barrier and stomped all over it.

 

So here's the plan. Or at least here's what my plan would be: Take a deep breath, accept his apology, and lose the passive aggressive crap (i.e., "I assume you're not going to fix this." Really. You two aren't even dating and the guy can't even apologize without you jumping all over him.) Just say, "Apology accepted. I've got to go, but why don't you give me a call sometime." And then go, and let him give you a call. Don't get sucked into chatting online because people will let these chatting online relationships drag on forever. Picking up a telephone takes a little more initiative. If he calls he's interested, if he's not, time to move on to greener pastures!

[lela1980]

I realize he doesn't care about me in that way. In the afternoon, I got really pissed off and told him we weren't gonna be talking anymore, and he asked why, and I'm like because you don't care, you couldn't even say something about making up for last night (like asking me out tonight or over the weekend). And then he said he does care and that he said he wanted to go out with me, but he said "someday", not tonight or next week or whatever, which is an obvious sign that he's not interested.

 

I went offline and didn't talk to him anymore, a few minutes ago I sent him a text message telling him to forget what I said about the subject in the email (me wanting to see him again) and to forget about last night, because it always gets difficult when that subject comes up, and that I hope he doesn't hate me cuz I don't hate him.

 

It's always been like this, it's never gonna change, so why keep trying to be more than friends.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

In the afternoon, I got really pissed off and told him we weren't gonna be talking anymore ... I went offline and didn't talk to him anymore, a few minutes ago I sent him a text message ...

 

This is what I mean though. You can't even not talk to him without talking to him. If you tell someone you aren't going to be talking anymore, then it's implied that prior scheduled discussions can probably be shelved at least for the near-term. No point throwing out dramatic relationship ending platitudes if you can't even make it through the rest of the afternoon without crying wolf.

 

Seriously. It sounds like this particular relationship ain't gonna happen, and you're best to leave it be. But really, keep this stuff in mind for the future. Healthy relationships don't normally consist of people spending a whole day flying off the handle because of something relatively minor that happened the night before. Would you want to be with someone who's been acting the way you've been acting during the last 24 hours?

[lela1980]

Oh I forgot.. before going offline, I told him that he could call me later tonight if he wanted to, but he didn't say anything. So it's very clear that he's not interested, and wasn't interested yesterday, or the day before. Why keep trying. I don't wanna end the friendship, this kind of drama has happened before a few times and we always remained friends but I don't know. I'm not gonna call him or text message him anymore, and I don't think I'll go online tomorrow so he won't hear from me until Monday (no internet in his new house yet so he can't go online over the weekend). It's up to him, whatever he wants to do, though I don't think he'll be doing anything I'm very sad. To me, it wasn't a minor thing to leave me waiting last night, it was totally unfair, he should try a little harder if he really is sorry.

[lela1980]

Well.. last night I sent him one last text message about the subject, telling him to forget what I said, that things get difficult when -that- subject comes up, that I hope he doesn't hate me cuz I don't hate him. Predictably, he didn't reply, I wasn't waiting for a reply either. So I didn't go online all day today, a few minutes before he got off work I went online and asked him if we were on speaking terms, he said of course. Then we did small talk for some minutes, then I asked him if he hates me, he said no, then I said I felt a little awkward, that I didn't know what to say and that I felt a bit ashamed for my actions but what the hell, $hit happens. End of topic. Then he said he was leaving, and he said that we'll talk soon (my first language is not English so he didn't actually say "soon", he used a word that always means "in a little while" or "later today"). I know he doesn't have internet at his new home yet so he won't be online until Monday, could this mean that he's gonna call me or text me later tonight? Thanks.

[Mydish1]

I could totally understand if he's not into me, but WHY won't he tell me? We've been friends for a long time, it's very unfair that he's doing this. I don't know if I should say anything else to him, I'm starting to feel like I'm begging him but I'm not, I just wanna know the truth.

 

This sounds all too familiar. However the friend 'she claimed' to be, i've know for a few months(fwb). i've tried 2x to find out what's wrong and seeking closure, but failed. yes its stupid how they claim to be your friend, and they end up disrespecting you by pulling a 360 and claim nothing's wrong. When in fact there is obviously something wrong but just choose not to be straight forward because they just want to avoid confrontation altogether. i hate people that dont have the guts to be honest.

 

Once again why i believe man and woman cant be friends unless one (or both) of them is trying to get into the other's pants. A paradox really.

 

and also i realize it is hard for some people to remain 'just friends' after the fwb fails.

 

Regardless, what you should do is NC and move on. it's what i've already begun to do. People that keep sending you in circles shouldnt even be worthy of your forgiveness in the first place. if you still want to retain your dignity and self-respect, dont contact him!

 

People with high interest dont play games. It occurs when their interest is low and they dont think you're worth their time.

 

Silly how some people claim we're all good friends and just end up stepping on it because of their selfishness/arrogance.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I know he doesn't have internet at his new home yet so he won't be online until Monday, could this mean that he's gonna call me or text me later tonight? Thanks.

 

Honestly? Probably not. Maybe. But probably not. And do let him make the next move at this point. You'll never get the answer you need if you keep giving him opportunities to string you along. Granted, the answer you need might come in the form of the phone not ringing, and that'll hurt, but if it's over, better to get the hurt over too than rehashing it every couple days.

 

In the meantime, get out of the house!!! Do something to take your mind off it. I'm waiting for a phone call from someone who might not ever call, too, right now, but I went shopping during my lunchtime, I'm heading to a work happy hour as soon as the day ends, and I'm meeting friends after that ... sitting by the phone won't make it ring, it'll just make you miserable! Besides, you don't want him thinking you've got nothing better to do with your time than sit around waiting for him. Get out and have fun!

[lela1980]

Yes, I'm going out for drinks later tonight. I just don't understand WHY would he say that, this is so confusing. He didn't have to say anything, a simple "talk to you later" would've been okay for me. Maybe he said it so that I finally get the message, when the whole night goes by and I hear nothing from him. This is frustrating.