he cant trust me

[witchbreed]

My bf and me are togehter since last november. When I met him I was still married, my husband being away since september on a temporary duty assignement. We flirted and ended up in bed the first night. I was head over heels in love with him from day one, but I decided to see my husband one last time and then to find my final decision. We saw each other Xmas-time and I realised it was all over, told him about my bf and asked him to file for divorce. In my teenage years I was an addict and a party-girl, my bf knows about this. But since age 22 (I am 39 now) I had only 3 men, the father of my kids (we were together 13 years), my husband (3 years) and now my bf. During my past two relationsship and in the beginning of the relationsship with my bf I used to flirt, sometimes outrageously like dressing very sexy and moving suggestivly. I have a pretty low self-esteem basically and to know to be sexually desired gave me a confidence bust and it did make me feel sexy - but I never actually went through with these flirting, not even kissing around and I really never fantasied about doing anything with the men I flirted with, I just wanted to know if I could seduce them if I wanted too. Without any intention of delivering.

 

My bf has been very hurt by my flirting, got some sticks from friends too, and has troubles believing me now. I know that he is the first man since I stopped taking drugs in 1982 whom I slept with the first night, but he seems to think that I have done this all the time and will again. You have to understand, that through our relationsship I have solved a lot of old troubles originating in my childhood and that he is the first man I truly trust and respect and love.

 

I know I have hurt his feelings, but now there is times I feel so hurt, when he accuses me, that I did want to sleep with other men when I flirted in the first stages of our relationsship - which I truly didnt. I have stopped the flirting in the meanwhile, for the first time I do respect myself too and feel worthy of love - so I dont need this artifical confidence bust no more.

 

What can I do that he might put trust in me? I know that he loves me as much as I do and he feels hurt. I dont want anybody to tell me, that he is overreacting - because he really believes what he says. I guess he never flirted without wanting anything and so it is hard to believe that this could be true. I feel very ashamed of the flirting games I used to do - btw I stopped back in february - but when he feels low for whatever reason, those old hurts pup up again.

 

Part may be too, that we have great sex and with him I am always game, he just has to touch me and I want him. But I know that I have gone without sex for months in my life (during the relationsship with the father of my kids) without ever even contemplating to cheat on him. But for my bf it seems hard to believe, that its all different with him. God, its the first time, I feel like cuddling after sex, used to be that I escaped into the fantasy world of books right after sex. So any ideas what to do, to calm his fears? Btw he is now divorced since 10 years and didnt have any steady relationsship since then.

 

Please help.

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend is upset because you went to bed with him the first night and he thinks you may have done this often? So where the hell was he on the first night when you were in bed with him???

 

We got a double standard going here that you shouldn't put up with. You tell this super jerk he's got no case. You let him know you have just as much right to wonder about his bed habits as he does about yours so just drop it. Where does he get off getting upset with you for something he did as well???

 

What people have done in the past has no relevance to the present. Both of you are old enough and should be mature enough to know this. Live in the present, forget the past, remember that BOTH OF YOU started this relationship off TOGETHER, and move on.

 

You are both adults by many years. Stop this bickering now!!! It sounds as if you could have a pretty good thing going here if he will just realize he was part of the thing he is upset about.

 

He should consider himself darned special that he was the only guy you ever did this with and only your third since age 22.

[witchbreed]

Thank you for your response Tony. What you have said does make a lot of sense and I do know about this double standard - a man having lots of contests is considered a success with the ladies and a woman a plain slut.

 

But still, its his past hurts and him nearly not getting over his ex, after splitting he got into a kind of depression, not going out, just hiding home and now he is very scared of getting hurt again. I guess he first just wanted to flirt with me - and for that it would have been OK to get into bed that fast - and didnt plan on really falling in love with me and me with him.

 

I know that what we have is worth fighting for, thats why I am looking for a way how he can find trust in me - with his past history he has a hard time to trust any female and my behaviour did enforce those mistrusts.

[Tony T]

You really have no control over how he gets over something or how long it takes. Don't over do it. Just let him know just how you are and how you feel and let it go. It's up to him to make the decisions on how he chooses to feel. You have no control over how long that takes.

[Dragonflys]

Dear Witchbreed

 

You are in the tricky situation where you are beginning to feel differently about life and your capacity to love, but there really is no way that you can prove you have changed unless you ask your bf to trust you and then let time show that he can by your actions. The problem is that you slept with him on the first night, and while you were married, so there is no way he can be sure that you would not do that to him. I get the impression that you have been very honest about your past with him too, so that may backfire on you. Stop talking with him about your past.

 

These sorts of things cannot be fixed overnight, if he has doubts about you there is absolutely nothing you could say to him that would make it any better. You have to trust him that he will not let this get to him too much. You will have to live with that uncertainty.

[witchbreed]

Dear Oliver

 

Thank you for your response and support. I am asking for his trust - or at the least for the benefit of doubt - and have in the last 6 or 7 months really shown him by my acts, that he doesnt need to mistrust me. Anyway wish both of us the needed strength to weather these storms, I know I have enough strength, because I do believe and trust. I just wish I could help him cope.