Is He Just Playing Mindgames?

[Mariella43]

This has been bothering me and I need a guys point of view. Me and my ex were on again/off again for 2+ years. Two major breakups - first time I ended it and he begged for me to take him back. I took him back - all went well but he wanted marriage. I felt we had too many unresolved issues - 8 months later he breaks up with me. I let him go (this was June/2005). In December I sent him a xmas card (one I sent to many people simply signed with my name - no message) - he emails me the day after Xmas asking how I'm doing. I email back fine but didn't ask "how are you", etc. I just said "Nice to hear from you, everything is great, keep in touch".

 

That was December 26. After I emailed him back I didn't hear anything. Then last weekend 2/18 - he called my house and cell phone and then was seen driving by my house a few times. He didn't leave any phone messages nor did he come up to my front door and knock. He presumed I wasn't home because I had all my lights out and was avoiding him. (I didn't like being caught off guard like that).

 

I didn't know what to make of this - it threw me for a loop because I had pretty much made my mind up it was over between us. I still love him but he's too difficult to be with - he's dishonest and wants me to be what he wants - he doesn't accept me for who I am. But I've always been willing to keep in touch or be friends - I just left that ball in his court because he broke up with me. I have not chased him, begged him or ever asked to reconcile.

 

After his phone calls and drive-by incident I called him a few days later. My message on his answering machine was nice but to the point as to "Hey, I saw you tried calling me and a neighbor said he saw your truck pull up in my driveway - was that you? - Just wondering what that was all about". I was nice and wanted to let him I know I knew he was attempting to call me and see me. I thought for sure he'd call back and we'd talk in a civilized adult manner and just catch up on things and maybe become friends. I thought it would be great to put bad feelings aside and just see how each other has been doing. I still love him and care about him but I'm going on with my life.

 

I have kept in touch with two ex boyfriends who have remarried and have maintained great friendships with them over the years. I thought I could do this with him as well.

 

But I never heard back from him.

 

What is he doing? I'd love to talk to him and see him again but it's like he's playing games. I was really hurt and angry that he broke up with me but I accepted it. It wasn't what I really wanted and when he broke up with me he just shut me out cold. I tried talking to him but he ignored me and wouldn't talk to me or return my phone call so I let him be. I refused to beg or plead and just let go. Now 8 months after our breakup he did this.

 

Is he just trying to keep me in turmoil? It's taken me a long time to get over him because I still love him. I have been moving forward with my life - he must sense it after what he did the other night? Once again he's ignoring me. What is up with this? How can I get over him if he keeps screwing with my head playing mnd games?

 

I still love him but I know he's not good for me. For him to be playing mind games at his age (47) is pretty immature. I think he's very insecure.

 

Why would he attempt to call me and see me then when I confront him he hides? Maybe he's embarrassed he was seen driving by? Why couldn't he just be a man and call me back and say "Well I had a drink that night and was missing you and wanted to see you and talk to you.......".

 

Instead he once again ignores me. I wanted him to know he was seen driving by my house because that really bothered me. I don't want to be stalked. Why can't he be man about all this? Can anyone explain what he's doing? I thought he wanted it over - he's the one who broke up with me.

[gfto]

I have no idea what he's up to, but why does it matter to you? Just cut off contact, ignore him, and find a new guy who has his s*** together. YOU ended it first. Why? And, why did you take him back? Sounds like both of you are lukewarm about each other, at best.

[Dinnj1]

I dunnooooo. That was an awful long story and a lot of time invested in the post to NOT want him back. Are you suuuuure you don't want him back? Maybe just a little part of ya wants him back? Maybe a tiny part?

[heartnsoul]

It could've been a number of reasons. Was this activity around V Day? Maybe he was feeling lonely and reminiscing on what the two of you had. Maybe he was casting out a line to see if you would bite (testing the waters) You mention him dropping you cold....maybe this activity was guilt driven. However, the fact that he didn't return your call tells me that he's a confused fella. Maybe all he needed to know was that you'd respond to him

 

I wish I could help more! I went through an extremely similar situation. I'll be damned if I ever know what and why he did the things he did. Frankly, it doesn't matter anymore.

 

I didn't know what to make of this - it threw me for a loop because I had pretty much made my mind up it was over between us. I still love him but he's too difficult to be with - he's dishonest and wants me to be what he wants - he doesn't accept me for who I am.

 

Let that be your driving force to push forward.

[Mariella43]

I broke up with him first because he was smothering me and wanting to get married way too soon into our relationship. I wanted to be engaged for a while and give time for us and our kids (from previous marriages) to adjust. He kept pressuring me and I felt maybe he was trying more to just get a wife in his house and impress his family instead of giving us time to just date and be engaged. I freaked, broke up with him and 4 months later he came saying he was sorry he rushed things, etc. I never felt like he courted or dated me - we met, were together 3 months then wham - he wants to "get married and be settled". Bascially he wanted to hurry up and get a wife back in his house to take care of him.

 

So I was unsure about things and felt too much pressure but I did love him - still do. We both have kids from previous marriages and they're teenagers and putting them under one roof will be a war of the worlds. They attend different schools and have their own established friends and activities. Me and my son would have to give up everything and start over while he and his son would just keep on keeping on. Their side of town and neighborhood is much different than ours.

 

After we reconciled (I gave him another chance because he said he wouldn't pressure me about marriage) things were great then 6 mos. later he's proposing marriage again. I pulled back once the pressure was back on and then he just got mad and broke up with me. I was shocked because we agreed to date until our kids were out of school (4-5 more years). I thought it was clear and we'd be committed until the time was right to get married. Guess not.

 

When he broke up it was mean and cold - I just let him go and didn't do anything because I was hurt and angry for taking him back in the first place if this was his ulterior motive to end up dumping me to get back at me or something.

 

I didn't want to break up but I couldn't get him to relax and just enjoy our relationship - he was smothering and wanting to be together 24/7. If I couldn't come over to see him because of homework or just tired from work he'd pull the silent treatment, etc. I couldn't win with him. But I loved him and most of the time we got along great and had so much fun together.

 

So when he broke up I thought he was just made for not getting his way - but month after month went by and I figured he was out searching for a new bride.

 

I do still care, I do still love him but I'm not begging or pleading to get back together nor am I going to play games. As he obviously wants to play games I guess I've got to accept it's over and ignore him when he does stuff like this....... still it hurts because I admit I still have feelings for him but I have to supress them I guess and just try to get over him.

[Groovy]

I think a lot of the issue is simple differences of men and women. Women want closure and conversation. Men get closure and prefer to skip conversation.

 

Conversation would involve a little bit of confrontation and a discussion about feelings. Men simply are not pros at communication. If they are it's rare.

 

My last thing to add is women just are more resilient, or maybe that is just my opinion...... Men don't fall in love easy it seems but when they do it can take a very long time to recover and can involve some pretty off the chain behaviors with fogged heads for a while. Women fall in love more easily but are just better at taking what life gives them and standing on their feet with logic, being in touch with their feelings and moving on.

[Mariella43]

Heartnsoul - it was around Valentine's Day (the Saturday after) and I noticed that too. I can only come to the conclusion he was "testing me" to see if I'd respond. I knew this - that's why I responded but kept my guard up and didn't throw him any bait - which is to me playing games on both our parts I guess.

 

I'm just having a hard time getting over him - I do pretty well then he throws a curveball and I start trying to analyze everything and wish we could just see each other and talk things out ...........sheez, it's so hard getting over him when little landmines are thrown at me.

 

I was mature about it - I called him up to ask "Why?" (why he called and drove by my house) - then he just ignores me. He's such a little sh*t - he's always enjoyed mind games and I'm sick of it. I think he does it on purpose to screw with me.

 

How can I get him out of my head and stop thinking about all this and be resilient enough to ignore him when this happens?

[Krishu]

Marriella.. People change.. you know.. I used to be so annoying like a boyfriend.. but i did change.. and i wish my ex gf could see that.. but she wont.. i mean.. I guess im in the same situation than him.. and he is right by doing that.. ignoring you.. cuz What is he suppose to do to get you back, when your mentality is.. ''i love him, but i only want his friendship''... i mean.. maybe that's not what he wants. .so he prefer nothing with u...

[Mariella43]

Well he called again. I was mature, nice and didn't let my emotions run away with me. He asked me to dinner this Friday night and I agreed. We are calling a truce and hopefully as two adults - we can somehow manage to be friends. I dunno......... We've both been hurting and 8 months have passed with neither one of us being able to move on. Maybe all this time apart did us good and we both did some growing up. I sure hope so.

[Krishu]

dont be mean to him, dont go with the mentality of you just wanting to be ''friends''... dont tell him u only want his friendship.. cuz that'll stop him, that'll confuse him.. that'll make things wrong.. tell him you are wheeling to try again.. but put him conditions.. tell him what things should he do to have u.. what things he should change.. but DONT tell him you just want his friendship.. believe me.. my ex told me she wanted my friendship :S and that's so confusing,... it's hard to understand girls ... so make it clear for him your feelings.. be SIMPLE AND DIRECT... good luck

[heartnsoul]

Glad to hear this! Eight months is a long time to have unresolved feelings and I'm glad that you've come accross the opportunity to set things straight. I hope your dinner date goes well

 

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