21 year old former student contacting him

[Audrey20]

I am asking for the wisdom from this board. I am trying to decide if this situation needs to run its course and stand back and observe - or to just throw in the towel now.

 

The background - sorry so long:

My boyfriend is 38 years old and lives 2 hours away from me. We have known each other for 5 years. We dated 3 years exclusively, took a year off when he moved 800 miles away (so that we could date others and work on our own issues), then he moved back close to me saying that he knew he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. We talk at least daily, love each other tremendously and have been planning our future together. We see each other almost each weekend. Everything has been as it should be until he told me of the forner intern IM'ing him out of the blue. (She is not on his buddy list - she kept him on hers).

 

He met the 21 year old when she was an intern at his facility the year we took a break (he works in healthcare). They formed an emotional bond - and when she finished her internship she came back to stay with him for a week during which time they formed a sexual bond. After the week together, they IM'd back and forth, called - but she ended it with him within a month because she didn't agree with some of his views. Some of those views included that he didn't agree with the fact that she couldn't go a day without calling "her best guy friend" who has a girlfriend and also regularly contacted another guy friend who was married.

 

About us: We met because we worked together. I did not know his age nor did he know mine. We developed a mutual respect for each other on a professional level and he developed a crush on me - he says. When we finally learned our ages, it turned out that I am 8 years older than he is. He was 32 and I was 40 when we met. I have never looked my age because I am 5' tall 100 lbs and full of energy. He is bald and looks a little older than he is. So...no one has ever even guessed our age difference.

 

So.....from what I know about the girl....she instant messaged him to "catch up". She asked if he was dating anyone. He told her about me - she knew of me because he had told her about me when they had their time together before. She asked if we were going to get married - he replied "most likely". She asked him "how are you going to propose?" He thought that a little too personal so he asked her "Why do you ask?" She replied "because you can be very thoughtful and I thought it would be interesting to learn how you plan to propose." She also said that she wanted to fix him up with a co-worker. He asked her if she was still dating so and so. She said no but she was dating someone else. My boyfriend told me that was basically it and he didn't expect to hear from her again.

 

Then a few days later I had a feeling that she was contacting him. That very night I asked him to tell me if she ever did. He told me that she had just IM'd him again asking some other questions - not about me but about mutual friends. They chatted for a while. He admitted that he probably would not have told me if I hadn't asked because he didn't want to put distance between us and he was glad to know she didn't hate him.

 

Okay - now I am getting upset. Upset that she knows he has a girlfriend whom he wants to marry and she is still contacting him. Upset because he isn't just telling her that while he is glad to know she is doing okay - he doesn't need to talk to her anymore. So I tell him that I will bow out of the picture and let them IM all they want, etc. I told him that I didn't want this going on behind my back (since he admitted he had not planned to tell me) so I would be willing to end our relationship and let them figure it out. I told him I was sure she was delightful, kind, cute and everything else. I just didn't want to be in the middle of all this.

 

He got upset with me and said that he didn't want her. He said that I need to trust him that he would take care of the situation if she contacted again. He never said what he would do and I hate to tell him what to do.

 

I believe him when he says he will tell me....I think. Funny thing is though is now he leaves his computer on with the IM showing he is on...when he isn't home and all night. He knows how to use the computer just fine without having IM on. Since she has contacted him though, he is "always on". It seems to me that he is inviting her to IM him.

 

Should I question him on why he is leaving the welcome mat open to her....or do I just trust that if she does continue to IM him and they do talk...it is better for him/them to figure it out and possibly hook up again? I feel like giving up now because I don't like the emotions I bring on myself of me comparing myself at age 45 to a 21 year old. Again, I could pass for 35 so I know that at least. However, I just don't want to be in this position. I feel like she is the type to contact just because she can. I don't think she would really want him but I feel that his ego has to be "doing well" from her contact. I just don't want to be a fool.

 

What should I do to save face and be proud of myself in the end?

 

Thank you for reading this. I really could use your input.

 

Sincerely,

Audrey20

[Becoming]

Hi, Audrey. Maybe he's leaving the IM on visible for you to see whenever?

 

Don't sabotage it by disbelieving him. But don't lie down and go to sleep either. Keep your eyes and ears open, but don't act until you know he's acting in a way he's said he wouldn't.

 

Good for you for taking a stand!

[Audrey20]

I appreciate your reply. The IM isn't on for me; it is different behavior since he told me she IM'd him. Before, he made sure his computer was turned off each night.

 

I don't want to get in the mode of snooping. It will kill me emotionally. I don't have time to do so anyway. I think I will do as you suggest and keep my radar up a little. I think I just need to have faith that if something goes on, my "gut" will alert me. I also know that they may need to be in contact to relearn what they didn't like about each other.

 

Thanks again,

Audrey 20

[Becoming]

Good idea. I just wondered if he wasn't leaving the computer on as a way of letting you see anything that might come across, kinda like being an open book for your sake.

[Audrey20]

No, he is 2 hours away and there would be no way for me to ever see what his IM's were. At least he isn't making himself invisible to me and leaving it on for everyone else. That would be very weird if he did. I thought maybe he is hoping she will IM him so that he could tell her not to contact him again.

 

I am not obsessing over this as much as I am just frustrated that this had to come up. Then again, maybe this DID have to come up before we got married!

[Tony T]

Now that she knows he's got a girlfriend, she's even more interested. Now he's a real challenge. If he doesn't block her IMs and email and end all ties with her...then you should end ties with him. If you marry this guy under these circumstances, you will never trust him and you will be constantly wondering what sort of "emotional and sexual" bonds he is forming away from your radar. I do admire that you don't want to snoop but the fact remains that your guy seems capable of almost anykind of behavior.

 

This is an unhealthy situation and he DOES have the power to stop it...but will he exercise it?

[Audrey20]

Tony T, thank you for your reply. I am glad to get your perspective. Since he told me that he would tell me if she contacts him again, then I will ask him how he handled it. If he says that he did not tell her to end all contact - then I will definitely start the process of ending the relationship. It is okay for her to be in his life, but I don't want her in mine. I don't think I will have much trouble ending the relationship if his reaction to my request is to say that he will not block her.

 

You are right about the challenge to her. I have never been one to disrespect relationship in that manner. Not that I am perfect by any means, but that is one thing I have always felt to be wrong. That is why I don't have any patience with her.

 

I am showing restraint about judging him too much at this point since he did tell me that she initiated contact. When he said that he would handle it - I am going to see what that means.

[magda]

I'm afriad you could be making too big a deal out of this. I think it's important for you to be able to trust him though, and if you don't, end the relationship. I think your confidence might be suffering more because of the 2-hour distance than this random IMer. As you said, he probably likes the ego-boost. He says that he will not be seeing her anymore. You can't control when people flirt with him. It sounds like he has been forthright with you in this. If you do threaten to end the relationship over this and he then tells you that he will end contact and proves to you that he has, how is that going to effect your future relationship with him? Will he continue to volunteer information about the women who flirt with him, regardless of whether he plans to act on it? I think this could create a big rift in your relationship with him. Is it worth it? If you trust the man, let him know how this makes you feel and give him the opportunity to step up to the plate and do what it takes to end your discomfort without issuing any ultimatums. If you truly do not trust him, then you probably ought to end the relationship.

[Audrey20]

Magda - thank you for your reply. I would much rather have him step up to the plate and take care of this. I explained to him how I didn't like the idea that she was asking personal questions about me/us.

 

I think my confidence is suffering too because from what he told me, she was the one who ended the relationship. Now he would say he is glad but for a while he was projecting a future with this girl and how he would handle meeting her parents, etc.

 

I had not really thought about how I would feel about giving him an ultimatum and him following through with it. In the past, when 2 former boyfriends contacted me, he was very upset about it. I have completely blocked them from contacting me and feel good about doing so. I think I am disappointed that he didn't say he would do so from the beginning, especially since he was so upset when others contacted me.

 

I am open to thinking that I may be making too big a deal out of this. When I told him that I would step out of the picture and let them figure it out, he said that I was "not letting his higher self a chance to take over" and that I was forgetting that he "has a sense of family with me".

 

I do have to figure out if I trust him or not. You are right.

[Becoming]

Now that she knows he's got a girlfriend, she's even more interested. Now he's a real challenge. If he doesn't block her IMs and email and end all ties with her...then you should end ties with him. If you marry this guy under these circumstances, you will never trust him and you will be constantly wondering what sort of "emotional and sexual" bonds he is forming away from your radar. I do admire that you don't want to snoop but the fact remains that your guy seems capable of almost anykind of behavior.

 

This is an unhealthy situation and he DOES have the power to stop it...but will he exercise it?

 

Good post, T. I agree.

 

Keep us posted, ok, A?

[hyakku]

To me it seems like you may be blowing this a tad out of proportion.

 

1. She hasn't come onto him or anything of the sorts, though trying to hook him up with a co worker is a bit strange.

 

2. The second time she was just talking about mutual friends.

 

I mean I don't think you should be in a relationship where you can't trust the other person, and I mean he hasn't done anything yet. I think you should just lean back and relax.

 

The final part is this, I would not suggest telling him he can't talk to any other female friends, if thats what you are planning, simply because that will push him away rather than attract him, unless he likes to be domineered, then by all means go for it .

[Audrey20]

Thanks Hyakku. He does talk to female friends and I don't have a problem with that. He works around women all day; I know I can not control him nor do I want to.

 

What I would say to him, if they do continue to communicate - is to distance myself from the whole situation. I mean that I will just let them figure it out and me move on. It would be the only way I could handle the situation.

 

When we were not together, he shared very personal information about me with her - stuff about my childhood that he should never have passed along to her. He asked her advice about me - as if she could ever put herself in my place. Very strange for me to know that she knows this about me. I have very little patience for her - and that just may be my problem. I am willing to consider that.

[hyakku]

Thanks Hyakku. He does talk to female friends and I don't have a problem with that. He works around women all day; I know I can not control him nor do I want to.

 

What I would say to him, if they do continue to communicate - is to distance myself from the whole situation. I mean that I will just let them figure it out and me move on. It would be the only way I could handle the situation.

 

When we were not together, he shared very personal information about me with her - stuff about my childhood that he should never have passed along to her. He asked her advice about me - as if she could ever put herself in my place. Very strange for me to know that she knows this about me. I have very little patience for her - and that just may be my problem. I am willing to consider that.

 

Yea it is pretty messed up to share YOUR experiences with someone else, but I have on occasion asked other female friends for help with a female. Maybe he had good intentions and just sought help in the wrong manner .

 

Again though coming from a high schooler I know its gonna sound strange, but communication is KEY in a relationship, if you guys can't communicate, its like being back in the cavemen period. What good is having all these methods of communication (Speech, writing, sign language, symbolism, etc), if we aren't gonna use any of it . So put what our ancestors took thousands of years to develop and use that communication skill .

[Audrey20]

You seem very wise to me! High schooler or not!

[Becoming]

Agree, A, with comment about Hy. High school? Wisdom comes in all ages, and you've got it, H.

 

I don't think you're blowing things out of proportion, though, after what you just said about him sharing things about you. We all know when something doesn't feel right.

 

And you know how you want to handle this, which is also quite wise:

 

What I would say to him, if they do continue to communicate - is to distance myself from the whole situation. I mean that I will just let them figure it out and me move on. It would be the only way I could handle the situation.

 

You've decided what is your responsibility and what is his and how you're going to act if something happens that doesn't feel good to you. You know where your boundary is and will maintain that. I know it probably pains you to think of losing this relationship, but you know that losing yourself is worse.

Just wanted to say: good for you! and second your instinct.

[Audrey20]

I will keep you posted and I really appreciate the input from this board. I am so busy with my job that I don't have time to do anything but trust that if I need to know something, it will be presented to me. That is sometimes hard to do...to believe that I don't have to go looking for proof. I really hope that it is over - completely on his side. Thanks to all.