Engagement jitters or more?

[Guest]

I'm engaged and now I realize that I'm scared to death. And I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about it because then they'll really wonder about me being flaky. I was engaged once before over five years ago and broke the engagement. Basically, I know that I want a family and a life companion. I met my fiance a year ago on a weekend by chance and we realized that we worked together (big organization). We found out that we had similar backgrounds and interests and that both of us had waited to get married (both in our mid to late 30's). He said he had waited because he was always traveling and wanted to be more settled and ready to take care of a family. I waited because, though I'd been in love before, no one I dated had seemed to fit me so well. Then I met him and from the start I just thought we'd get married. I wouldn't say he swept me off my feet, it was more steady. At one point he hesistated a bit and wondered aloud if he really knew I was the one. We broke up and then a few months ago he realized I was the one for him.

 

It took me a while to trust his feelings again, but eventually I did. Now things are moving fast. I've got to let my coworkers and boss know that I'll be moving and it will probably take a few months before I actually do. He wants me to be happy with the job I take if I'm going to move to be near him and I know he does truly care that I'm comfortable and happy. His family has been so inclusive and I think they would get along well with mine - very similar in some ways. My worry though is that we won't be happy together. While I'm pretty even tempered, he's more moody and intellectual. We can talk about pretty much anything. However, while he's very open with his feelings, I'm much more private. I think I could learn a thing or two from him about being more open, though sometimes I just feel uncomfortable with so much emotion. Anyway, how do I know that we'll be happy together? I just feel so worried. We're not even in the same place at the moment so I think all this fear is exasperated because we're not together now. And to be honest, sometimes his moodiness annoys me. I truly do care about him and think he has a good heart and that he will stick things out with me if tough times come. I don't want to lay all this on him because he'll just think I don't love him, which I do. Sorry for going on so long, I just needed to express what I can't tell anyone else.

[Lil Honey]

You aren't flaky because you are scared. You have waited for the right person to love (instead of getting married several times). That in itself makes getting married a big step. Further, you are thinking about moving to be closer to him. Chances are, that means you will move away from family and an area that you are familiar with - and you've already mentioned leaving your job and co-workers. All of these are major changes in themselves. You are doing them all at once. And that is also why everything seems to be moving quickly.

 

Give yourself a break. Allow yourself enough nervousness to be sure you take things step-by-step. (Slow and steady wins the race.)

 

His caring and concern for you speaks volumes about his character. And if his family includes you and welcomes you in, you have things that other women can only dream of. That's one big hurdle when it comes time for family functions (such as the wedding) and childcare (if you decide that).

 

He is open with his feelings and you aren't. You don't have to be alike. In fact, it's good that you aren't. A marriage is about give and take. It's about building on each other's strengths. There will be times when his openness will be helpful and there will be times when you may have to calm him down. Each of you just needs to allow the other person to be him/her self - an individual. If it isn't his moodiness that bugs you, it would be the way he leaves the toilet seat up. IOW, he isn't perfect and neither are you. Look to the things that you love about him.

[MusicWoman]

I can relate to your situation very well.

 

You end up with the man who doesn't sweep you off your feet like others did, but is steady, and stable, and totally loving and you know he would be good to you.

 

As Lil Honey said, you are doing a whole lot of things at once. Just take it one thing at a time. Your engaged, the wedding isn't tomorrow, and it sounds like he won't be one to push the date. Its okay to take a step back, and if hes the one for you he will understand that you don't want to set a wedding date right away. If you can't tell him everything your feeling now, and you can't communicate all of these things, then your communication in the marraige won't be wonderful either. You need to be open and honest about everything your feeling and he needs to be the type that can understand.

 

Just being able to say that i was having second thoughts to my fiancee, and telling him the things that were bugging me, it brought us closer.

 

Good luck

[KonRyuu]

Well, that just tells me that you haven't known him long enough. You should wait a few years. It's not like you NEED to get married right away. You have plenty of time, you can still tell people you're married if you want, if that somehow makes you feel any better, but I would DEFINATELY wait on it. If in 1-3 years you still feel like you want to be married to eachother, then do it. Save up for the wedding, and your honeymoon, don't go spending $20,000 on it like some people, because I've heard stories of people going out and spending like $20,000-$50,000 on their wedding and getting divorced 2 months later. What a waste of money. Anyway you'll figure it out, if you really want to be married you'll feel it in you heart.

 

If you and he really love eachother, then it makes absolutely NO difference in what your differences are, it will work out, you know what they say about opposites? Opposites attract, more so than having everything in common does. In that case, it's almost like having a twin and gets boring really fast.