Patrick_D Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I am a 61 year old, unhappily married man who's been involved with a 26 year old woman for the past 4 years...because she lives halfway across the country from where i live in california, our "relationship" has mostly been an online affair punctuated by frequent phone calls back and forth--she's only flown out to be with me several times in the past couple of years so in some respects I guess you could so a strong current of fantasy runs through our relationship...nonetheless, in all those years, the connection between us was incredibly strong and I had never experienced such a total feeling of being loved...the huge age gap between us didn't seem to matter at the time (even though in public we sometimes felt a little self-conscious about showing physical affection)... The momentum continued to build unitl around late 2004 when she was on the verge of moving out here to live permanently. At the last moment she backed out and decided to stay put..., mostly because of financial considerations and parental pressure (her parents don't know about us but they made it clear to her that they didn't want their only child to move so far away). As a result, the past year or so has seen a waning of the intensity and passion between us...the flood of weekly phone calls and emails has dwindled to a trickle...the hot phone sex that was once so exciting now has become a thing of the past. She has started to go out with friends more often, started singing karaoke in clubs instead of staying home nights and has developed an interest in a couple of young men her own age...nothing serious but she's definitely interested....Two weeks ago she told me that she still loves me but that she really sees no future for us. I knew this day would eventually come and I thought I'd be able to take the news calmly and rationally (at least on an intellectual level)...but surprise surprise it really bothered me...in fact, i sort of broke down on the phone and told her how much i was IN love with her (which i had never really said before...it was always "love ya")...now that she is drifting away i find myself feeling bereft and abandoned....i guess maybe it's inevitable...the fantasy romance has popped...she said she enjoyed just being able to hang out with people her own age...to not feel like she has to sneak around or feel like people are commenting about our age gap, etc. In the past couple of weeks, I have made a concerted effort to rekindle what we had (in spite of the realization that things will never be the same as before)... and things have sort of returned to the way they were before: we email every day, i call her several times a week..we tell each other we love each other but it's not the same as before and i know it never will be....now she is planning to come out here with her best girlfriend for a weeklong visit in april...she says she can't promise anything (about us being intimate) and that we will just have to see how things go...i plan to stay at the same hotel as her (different room) and she said she would stay with me in the evenings...even intimating she might stay all night (her g/f is supposedly ok with that)...I want to recapture the intimacy we once had but am afraid of becoming too vulnerable and getting hurt.....it would just kill me if she told me "let's just be friends" as i reached out to hold her... Should I just let it go? Being held at arm's length while being teased at the same time has really confused me. I know that I am just a "fill-in" now until she finds a permanent b/f her own age who can do "normal stuff" with her and with whom she can have a future...Why is it so hard for me to bow out? I'd appreciate any comments from anyone who's been thru this before... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I find it hard to be sympathetic, since you admit you have been cheating on your wife for the past 4 years, and I think that if you are really unhappily married, you should divorce first, and pursue other relationships later. Unless yours is one of those "open marriages" where your wife knows about the affair (but I seriously doubt that). But to address your situation -- sorry to say, but it sounds to me like you are being very selfish. It sounds like you want this young woman to be there for you when you are not giving up anything, but you want her not to have a happy genuine relationship. If you really care about you, you will want her to be happy and you will let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Dude, you are an inspiration to us all. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 You deserve everything you get. Link to post Share on other sites
Delectable Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I hope she is as dishonet with you as you are with your wife and I hope you end up as disappointed as your wife would be if she found out. K A R M A Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 All the lecturing aside, I think this relationship was wonderful to you precisely BECAUSE of the fantasy element. It's always easier to fall in love with an ideal woman who exists only inside your head, eh? I won't ask you what drives you to think like this, or desire the unattainable, but I will challenge you to truely face your feelings and understand that it is not about the reality, but the escapism and fantasy....much like any old alcoholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 To all of you have responded to my thread: thank you very mucy...even to those of you who have taken my head off (which I fully expected)... I guess the big question for me is not whether or not I should end this relationship but WHEN... When she comes out here next month part of me still desperately craves the feelings of closeness and intimacy like we had before ...the other part of me feels guilt, shame, and self-loathing (at my weakness)... You are right about the "fantasy" part...I agree this is a big component of this relationship...perhaps another major part is the sense of control and ego gratification I receive... So the question is: next month should I just sit down with her and tell her that it's over and that we aren't going to be sharing a room, etc? Or: Enjoy one last fling? Both of us knowing this is our last hurrah? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patrick_D Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 Thanks so much to all of you who have taken the time to reply to my post...I expected my head to be taken off so feel free to fire away...but what I am looking for is some advice as to what to do next month when she comes out here to visit...do I sit down with her the first night and just tell her it's over...that we can only be platonic friends...(in other words a preemptive strike?)...play it by ear? if something happens..enjoy one last fling? I mean the big question for me is not whether or not we should stop this...but when...I was enthralled by the fantasy..I admit it...just having a hard time coming to terms with it...call me selfish, a liar, a cheat, etc, etc...but if you've ever been in my situation.. wandering in a desert...parched and starved for a even a scrap of affection...then maybe you'll understand what i am g oing through.... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 personally i wouldn't see her anymore at all. too painful. but it may be a good reality check for you to be around her IRL and see the reality of who she is. Link to post Share on other sites
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