Another loves me but not in love with me with kids

[Guest]

I am going through something very similar. I got the loves me but not in love with me speech a month ago although I think she felt that way for over a year.

 

We have two boys age 5 and 8. It is them that I feel the most guilt and worry about. You see I would like to separate from my wife.

She has shown me no love or affection for over 6 months. She doesn't hold my hand or hug me ever. After months of me holding her hand and hugging her I have stopped trying.

 

She had an affair last year and is certainly still having at least a emotional affair with someone.

 

We go to a marriage counselor but I don't think it helps much. She normally complains about things I do and things I don't do. I either can sit there and take it or defend myself which usually means I am criticizing her or explaining that she is not seeing things clearly. She expresses so much anger in the sessions over such small things that I don't think these small things are truly what’s wrong in our marriage.

 

She would like to stay living together (but separate bedrooms). I think she wants that partly because I do a lot around the house and take care of the kids a lot.

 

Sometimes I think I am nuts for not taking her up on staying, but I want love and affection and if she won't love me anymore I can start over with someone else. It sounds kind of cold and I truly love her but I feel lost without a physical connection.

 

Since I have kids and probably not enough money to run two households I am lost.

Any advice?

[Ladyjane14]

Did you have any marriage counseling since your wife's affair? If not, why not?

 

You know, if her affair is not truly over yet, then there's still someone standing between you. You won't be able to make any progress toward reconcilliation if there's a third person still involved. She can't work on her marriage with you....if she's still emotionally attached to an OM.

 

You might want to read through a copy of Surviving Infidelity, which will give you some information on the dynamics of extramarital affairs as well as methods to deal with them. Take a look at the marriagebuilders website as well.

 

If I were you, I would NOT separate at this time. I wouldn't give up the 'familial manse' unless it was on the advice of my attorney. So, if you don't have a lawyer yet....you need to get one. You don't have to file for divorce if you're not ready. But you REALLY need to study your options before you give up your rights to hearth and home.

 

It's unreasonable for your wife to expect you to agree to a 'marriage of convenience' where you live as little more than roommates. That's not what you signed on for when you married her. She can certainly withhold intimacy and affection from you. She has a right to make her own choices afterall.

 

But YOU have the right to make choices too. And you can choose to sue her for divorce any ole time.