snailz Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 hey all Hope you can help me out a bit here. ive been sleeping with my friend for the past 2 years although he said he didnt want a relationship and well pretty much hurt me so much. he would never call me, or txt me, he would always ignore me the next day after we slept together. stuff like that. we had a fall out in september and didnt speak for 3 months until over christmas he said sorry and that he missed me. we agreed we would stay friends and not have sex. Of course we started sleeping together again, this time he's been very different, he txts and rings me all the time, we do so much together and im really enjoying us actually being good friends now. What im worried about is that, i know we can never be together in the way i want but i cant seem to get rid of my feelings for him, its like i cant move on and nobody i meet ever compares to him- EVER! i dont want to lose my friend but why cant i move on? be friends with him but have a relationship with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Been there, done that. He broke my heart, we weren't 'having a relationship'.... The only way to get over this is to break contact with this man. Until you do so no-one will ever compare to him. Ughhhh!! I feel for you... let me compose my thoughts and try to help...!! Link to post Share on other sites
fraidycat Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 No one compares to him how? Because no one just uses you for sex? Or how about no one is so self centered he only cares for himself? I think your dealing with fairytale-itis. You're letting someone get what they want from you even if it's taking all you've got left to give just to keep em around. I realize he's different towards you now but you also said you can't be with him the way you want so that tells me he still doesn't wanna be your man. Your good sex anytime he wants it I'm sure he at least appreciates THAT. You're setting yourself up for heartache you need to kiss this friend goodbye and eventually maybe your eyes will open and you'll realize that there are guys out there who want you- all of you- not just your body- not just sex..but love and deeply care and respect for you- side note: You have to respect yourself before any man ever does. Good luck girl Link to post Share on other sites
luvncurls Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I just posted something similar to that a few days ago. You have to realize your own self worth and be aware of what you deserve. I have no doubt that he is wonderful, but you are wonderful too. I agree with fraidycat, you need to respect yourself and realize that you deserve to bw with someone who wants you as much as you want them. much luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 thankyou all for your replies, i really am grateful you took the time to offer advice. It's not that i dont have any self respect, its just im finding it so difficult to break contact with him. i have been friends with him for about 5 years now and until we started sleeping together we got on really well. The past few times ive seen him, we havent had sex, ive not given him any indication i want anything more than friendship, he still comes round and see's me, do you think there is a very small chance that he repects the fact we are friends and knows better now than to try anything. like for example he came round last night and we watched the 'village', it was nice and we got on like we did before anything happened between us. Im scared of losing him altogether- im stupid arent i?? Thanks again all Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 oh i forgot to ask- littlekitty - sorry to hear you got hurt too, did you just stop c'ing him altogether when you realised it wasnt going anywhere? no contact at all- phone calls, txts, e-mails? you are very brave, i dont have the will power, i wish i did. hope you are ok now? argh men!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Did you notice something about this scenario?????? He treated you like crap until you blew him out and didnt talk for months! Then he realised that he missed you and wanted you back in his life! - Ok now picture this .... When he came back into your life IF you had NOT slept with him would he have then realised that is was your way or the highway? Do you think he will respect a girl who does not respect herself? Do you think he loves having sex with no commitent and no-one to answer to? HELL YES! He is living the dream! and YOU my dear are living the NIGHTMARE! How do I know this? Cos I am in the exact same situation right now! It is so hard to know wether you are coming or going. Sometimes you feel that something is better than nothing and at times you feel like you want all or nothing. SOmetimes you feel so confident in what you share and other times you feel so insecure. The guy I am seeing gives a bit - Just enough to keep the interest up, then BAM he stops calling or texting and I am in limbo - Then I text him and sometimes he ignores it and sometimes he replies so sweetly! This is so embarrassing but at times he has made me feel like he is doing ME a favour coming around for sex! Now I will tell you that I have no problem meeting guys, guys ask for my number all the time and I can go and meet someone easily - But no one compares to him! I trust him in my house and I trust the person he is - He has been honest with me and told me he doesnt want more than a casual sex thing, he has not lied or been deceitful to me - I am damaging myself! And why? Because I want what I cannot have! I do not want what is easy I want to work for it and feel like I have accomplished something! Self esteem problem maybe? We all love to chase - We all love the excitement of chasing and winning the prize - The question is .... Is the prize worth winning? WHy do we want such a flakey guy? Ok so this is the solution ....... We forget about them - Do not have them as friends nor casual lovers! We take their numbers off our phones (except I know his by heart) and we dig deep and get some self respect and refuse to allow ourselves to be treated this way! We are only being treated the way we are allowing ourselves to be treated - And yet we continue to allow it to happen then moan about it! I kow the answers - I followed this rule and he came back to me - And what did I do? I jumped straight back into bed with him! Wahoooo THAT showed him eh! I sure showed him who was boss didnt I! I hate being in this situation and I know the anwers and I dont follow it! He is on holday for 2 weeks now and I have promised myself not to contact him at all when he gets back! I have to get this man out of my life! The funny thing is that I KNOW he is not the man for me! I have to learn to do without rather than make do! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Hey I noticed your in the UK too I wonder if we are seeing the same guy hahahahahahha Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 For some reason, I'm already feeling bad for the "New" guy that will eventually come into your life and genuinely fall in love with you. If the 'friend' is still around, I foresee a lot of jealousy on the 'new' guys part if he knows you have feelings for and use to sleep with the 'friend'. It'll definately get harder before getting any easier for you. Link to post Share on other sites
fraidycat Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Hey Girl- I know it's hard but look at it this way- It can't be any harder than it is continuing to be in the situation you are in. The fact is whether you tell him you want only friendship or not you want more than just a platonic scenario.People too often think doing the right thing is so tough and difficult but in reality it's no more hard than continuing to hurt yourself or someone else through doing the wrong thing. The answer is probably just saying goodbye and moving in with your life, when you realize that you'll be able to wipe off the slate and get somewhere..much love! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 A sexual relationship FWB * is * a relationship of sorts. I would do NC so you can move forward and stop being used sexually.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Now I will tell you that I have no problem meeting guys, guys ask for my number all the time and I can go and meet someone easily - But no one compares to him! I trust him in my house and I trust the person he is - He has been honest with me and told me he doesnt want more than a casual sex thing, he has not lied or been deceitful to me - I am damaging myself! And why? Because I want what I cannot have! I do not want what is easy I want to work for it and feel like I have accomplished something! Self esteem problem maybe? OMG!!! everything you said here is so true, im always out with my friends meeting such lovely lad's, men who buy me drinks, give me lots of attention- good looking men- but i brush them all away- i think its like you said, its too easy, and maybe it IS a case of wanting what i cant have. You REALLY are in the exact same situation as me. sometimes he makes me feel so happy, then the next so down and depressed, and im like- why? why?, is it me? why doesnt he like me? why can i meet goodlooking men that fuss over me when i'd give them all up any day just to be happy for a short time with him! Ive tried so many times to have no contact, but then he comes in the same places as i do, he'll wander over and stand near me, or talk to my friends even if he doesnt know them. If i leave the bar where i drink and go to another one he'll show up there. Im thinking if i just blank him altogether he'll get offended and wonder why im doing that. but if im nice and continue to be friends with him, he'll always have some kind of control over me. Thanks all Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 Hey I noticed your in the UK too I wonder if we are seeing the same guy hahahahahahha hehe, that would be very freaky. im from near manchester Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 oh i forgot to ask- littlekitty - sorry to hear you got hurt too, did you just stop c'ing him altogether when you realised it wasnt going anywhere? no contact at all- phone calls, txts, e-mails? you are very brave, i dont have the will power, i wish i did. hope you are ok now? argh men!!! I have to admit I didn't do full NC in an organised way, but yes pretty much so. He was always honest with me about the relationship (or lack thereof) - but always left enough open to just keep me interested. When I told him I wanted out, he agreed not to contact me until such time as I contacted him. He fed me all the usual crap about wanting to be friends. But lets face it, mostly when men say that, what they actually mean is... 'keep in touch, I might want a bootie call'. I had to get him out of my life completely, if I hadn't I knew I'd be beholden to him. While he was still an 'option' I wasn't looking anywhere else even though I'd kid myself I was open to it.... Relationships like this are destructive. They destroy your confidence, and so many other things. Please get out. If it helps any, I have now met my perfect soul mate, he's moving in, and we hope to marry in the not so distant future. It's out there, but until you're open to it, you won't find it! Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Do you think he will respect a girl who does not respect herself? Do you think he loves having sex with no commitent and no-one to answer to? HELL YES! He is living the dream! and YOU my dear are living the NIGHTMARE! Lishy has this soooo spot on. I had had this admitted to me by my ex at one point. He felt that if I didn't respect myself enough to stop letting him use me, I must have terribly low self respect. It wasn't that low, he was obviously duping me into hanging around.. but he was right to a point. If I'd have realised sooner I was worth more I wouldn't have hung around so long. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Now I will tell you that I have no problem meeting guys, guys ask for my number all the time and I can go and meet someone easily - But no one compares to him! I trust him in my house and I trust the person he is - He has been honest with me and told me he doesnt want more than a casual sex thing, he has not lied or been deceitful to me - I am damaging myself! And why? Because I want what I cannot have! I do not want what is easy I want to work for it and feel like I have accomplished something! Self esteem problem maybe? We all love to chase - We all love the excitement of chasing and winning the prize - The question is .... Is the prize worth winning? God Lishy... that was completely me too. I wanted him... he was completely honest with me, yet I continued to damage myself over and over and over again by thinking I could change something, show him that I was the person he wanted really.... ! Ahhhh how dumb was I?!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 When he comes around to my house he tells me everything he has done, what his plans are for the following week, we laugh and chat and he lays there cuddling me all night - What he is doing is giving an illusion of being something more, so when he goes it hits me full force in the face because then he does not even text me! When I am out chatting to other guys he stares constantly and I can see in his eyes he fancies the pants off me (literally!) He drives past my house constantly and beeps up when he sees me! But you know what ..... HE isnt doing this to me I am allwoing him to do it! That is the bottom line yet I resent HIM for it! So when he gets back from holiday I wont be in touch with him, I have blocked him from my IM and I wont be going where he goes. I have to get him out of my head once and for all! He is not all that and I have to make myself realise that he is not the guy for me ... Who wants a flake? Not me! He gives just enough to keep me keen and then he backs off ..... Let him go do that to someone else eh! I live in London so its not the same guy lol Lets do this Snailz and PM me anytime you need support hon! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 God Lishy... that was completely me too. I wanted him... he was completely honest with me, yet I continued to damage myself over and over and over again by thinking I could change something, show him that I was the person he wanted really.... ! Ahhhh how dumb was I?!! What did he do when you stopped contacting him LK? When I done it he made conatact with me (which was very rare) and like a fool I had him around to my house! Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 thanks lishy, means alot, pm me too if you are ever down or tempted to get in touch with your man. hugs x Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 What did he do when you stopped contacting him LK? When I done it he made conatact with me (which was very rare) and like a fool I had him around to my house! For the main part he was good and respected my wishes. Unfortunately I did slip a couple of times and contact him. Both times he offered me sex... nothing else. Fortunately by this time I was strong enough to say no and mean it. I won't lie though.. it was very very hard. I think one of the moments of clarity for me was when I was sitting in my car with my best friend crying over him again. She reminded me I'd been sat in the same place, in the same car, a year before doing the same thing... crying over him. She asked me if I wanted to be there next year? It made me realise I had to get out and move on. But it did take a lot of support to do it. If I can help you ladies in anyway, feel free to message me!! I now have a completely loving and wonderful relationship... if I hadn't taken that leap, I'd have never found that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I think that what I may do is just keep out of his way and IF he does contact me I think I will tell him I have met someone. I know he would not contact me again if he thought I was with someone and it will close things ....Perhaps! I need to close this chapter in my life completely! Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 I won't lie though.. it was very very hard. I think one of the moments of clarity for me was when I was sitting in my car with my best friend crying over him again. She reminded me I'd been sat in the same place, in the same car, a year before doing the same thing... crying over him. She asked me if I wanted to be there next year? It made me realise I had to get out and move on. But it did take a lot of support to do it. Argh that scares me, i did a similar thing a year ago, i was sat there crying to my friend emma over the phone and she said, babes you gotta give it up now because you dont want to be doing this same thing a year on... and yep a year on im still doing it, so what happens if im STILL doing it this time next year, scary thought that....... Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Both you ladies deserve so much more than you're getting....!! Snailz, yes, it is a horribly scary thought to think you might still be that unhappy a year from now! *BTW my name is Emma... weird!* But it really is only you that can take the steps to stop that happening. Time to take the steps you need to take your own life back, and get what you really want, need and deserve from a partner! Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 We have made it quite easy for FWB situations and men can now just call up for sex and then be gone. No dinner, no flowers , no promises, no love. We did this to ourselves but we are human and we make mistakes. Some of us here have been in FWB's ( me included ) but once you see there is not much effort involved and you are being used , then you have the choice to end it or keep having sex with that person but that person won't magically some day *love* you. I personally won't do the FWB anymore. Too much hassle for me.... Just remember...they are getting sex from you... Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snailz Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 argh! help!i spent every day with him last week, it was going so well, he was talking aout taking things slowly and we'll see what happens. now over the weekend he's been completely off with me, he's ignoring my texts and calls, what's happening??? im so upset Link to post Share on other sites
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