I've messed up big time!!

[insanelyjelous]

Hi all,

 

I desparately need some help, I think i'm losing my fiance.

The other night he went out with his workfriends for drinks and he called and let me know before he went telling me he wouldn't be home late.

I was fine with this and decided I would clean up and surprise him when he got home. So at about 9pm I called him to ask him to get a bottle of wine from the shops on his way home and I get no answer I call again half an hour later and half an hour after that and get no answer, then one of his friends calls me and asks me where he is and if i've spoken to him, obviously I haven't so I'm starting to get upset.

At 11pm he texts me to say that he'l be home soon and at 12pm he texts to ask if i'm awake and I ignored both his text messages. Then he called 3 times at 1pm and I ignored him. So after i'm finished being stubborn I call him but he doesn't answer so irrationality sets in and I send him a text message accusing him of caring more about his friends then me or whoever he was with and telling him that he was a liar for saying he wouldn't be home late (but maybe not in so many nice words).

I know i've brought this all on myself and it's what I get for not controlling myself.

So when he got home (about 10mins after I sent the text! I wish i had a time machine) we have the biggest argument ever. He took off his engagement ring and told me that he wouldn't be putting it back on until I sorted out my issues and here it sits next to me as I'm writing this.

 

I don't know what to do he's barely even talking to me and i don't blame him, I've spent the last 3 days crying continuosly and I'm getting more and more depressed as the hours go by.

He's gone away on business today and won't be back til wednesday so I'm trying not to let the depression get the best of me and try and do something positive . I've just paid for some online psychotherapy.

 

All I know is that I can't lose him, I love him so much, I'd probably crack up if he left me cos he is everything to me.

 

so any advice would be appreciated.

[Tell you how it is]

You really need to chill out and stop being insecure about who he spends his time with. Nobody wants another set of nagging parents that constantly calls to see where you are. I suspect that this isn't the first time you overreacted......but that's just what I think.

 

Here's what you need to do. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You already apologized and there's not much more you can do. The more you try, the more he's going to be annoyed at what you do since YOU brought him to the point where he took off the ring and told you to stop act annoying. How will this work? By you pretending that you "don't care" when you really do, it's going to make him want you because of what.....insecurity. He's going to wonder why you're not chasing him. Wow, what a concept.

 

So what if he doesn't come back? Well, maybe you pushed him beyond the point of no return. Or maybe he just needed an excuse to go.

 

Hopefully you learned something from this posting.

 

good luck.

[Spectre]

uh whats with the mind games? you spend all night trying to get ahold of him, and when he contacts you..you just ignore it? That would be grounds for me to break up with a girl or atleast to stop taking her seriously. He needs to do some work too tho, you don't tell someone you'll be home soon at 11pm and not show up till after midnight, thats a bit rude and I'd be suspicious if my gf did that to me. Then again if you've done similiar things like this in the past he might not of wanted to come home. You have to voice your feelings in a specific but calm manner. Tell him youre sorry for overreacting on him, but he does need to quit this whole "ill be home at 11" and then walking in at 1am routine, which isn't fair and he probably wouldn't like it too much if you did it. Voice your feelings, stay calm, and if he truly loves you it should work out.

[insanelyjelous]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for the advice, I've been doing some serious soul searching and have even been speaking to a psycotherapist which has help me understand where my jelousy and other such issues have come from. I guess its now down to me to work on them which I have been but before I decide what to do next I would appreciate some advice again.

 

Through speaking to my therapist it has made me question my entire relationship with my fiance, I'm now trying to figure out if our relationship is actually worth saving/working on.

 

There are lots of things he does that really hurt/upset me.

 

1. Theres not a lot of affection apart from sex (There used to be!)

 

2. No compliments (ever)

 

3. He says he doesnt want to go out to clubs with me cos he won't enjoy himself, but he goes out with his friends and workmates on a regular basis.

( we only go out once a month if i'm lucky)

 

Now I've not had any normal healthy relationships so I don't know how relationships should be. I have problems communicating how I feel so I haven't said anything to him about this yet.

 

So what I'd like to know is if this seems normal to you guys or am I right to want all of these things from him.

He has said he will support me through this and has even put his engagement ring back on.

But I think he has issues of his own and mine have been a scapegoat for his!

I feel like a lot of blame has been passed to me because i've been so eager to please and keep hold of him that i've done just about everything.

 

All I wanna do now is make the right decision I hope someone can help.

 

Thanks