jmmm Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We are exclusive and i have met his family and friends just to give you background. Recently he has been complaining of money problems saying he is just breaking even every month and is not able to put money away for saving. He said he is considering a second job--a bartending job -for probably 2 nights a week. He knows an owner of a bar and so it would probably be easy for him to get. Well my problem is i don't feel comfortable with him working in that type of atmosphere such as working with barmaids or flirting with customers. I feel like that is going to happen because that is part of a bartenders job. My other problem is he is tired as it is now when we see each other. We live about 40 minutes away from one another and see each other about 2-3 days a week. I said he isn't going to have time to see me as much if he is tired now when he sees me. He said that he isn't going to not take this job if it happens just because i am uncomfortable with it. He said he can't live by paycheck to paycheck and bartending can make him good money. There is not overtime available at his job right now. He also says i shouldn't be making an issue of something until this actually happens and he gets the job. He didn't realize it would be the fact of him working at a bar that makes me uncomfortable and now he says i don't trust him. I told him i don't think any girl would be completely happy with their boyfriend bartending. He said if i felt that way then come to the bar. But i know thats not going to happen every time he is there because it's just not possible to hang around at the bar just because he is working there. Should i just let this go and support his decision to make money and trust nothing would happen? If he starts canceling on me due to this job or is too exhuasted, then should i deal with this? I feel like i'm going to be waiting around until he gets this job and then i am going to be disappointed with his limited time. Please write back! Thanks =) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 I'll be hoenst with you. I recently quit working at a bar and what I noticed was that everyone was overly and inappropriately flirtacious and all the GFs and BFs came to their partners workplace regularly to lay claim to their partner. It was a bad workplace and I'm glad I left. I wouldn't want my BF working as a bartender, either. Link to post Share on other sites
sazzya1987 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 But that can happen in any job a guy works in, he could meet a work girl and flirt or new people come onto the job and men could flirt with them. If this guy fully likes you then he won't go around flirting with the bar maids and the customers. Its a good job with god money, wouldnt it be nice down the line when he says you two will move in together and can afford many great things because his job has provided him to have alot of money saved up? And even have alot of money saved up for a nice treating holiday for you? I think you need to trust him with this situation because even himself offered that you can go to the bar and watch his actions between other people while he is working, that must show he likes you alot and wants to prove to you his not going to just fool around and flirt with others while working. I think you should understand that yes he may be working at this job and may be tired, but down the end of the line in your relationship there is alot of money to look faward to. I'm sure you will probably still see him, he might arrange for other days for you both to see each other. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Every bar I've ever worked at was full of people with questionable morals who almost universally had smoe kind of substance abuse issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted February 27, 2006 Author Share Posted February 27, 2006 I still feel that flirting is part of a bartender jobs so i believe it will happen. He has an outgoing personality. I guess i just feel tempation will be more available when working as a bartender and i can't go there every time to see if he is doing the right thing. Am i just being paranoid about this? Link to post Share on other sites
organic chemistry Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I'm the doormat type of girl. For example I don't mind watching the movie that he wants to watch. But I feel sad knowing he won't do the same. And I have this relationshp messed up from the beginning. Bad habits have formed and I'm unhappy. The only way I see it is that I become less avaliable to him and flirt more with guys. Hopefully he'll start to treat me better. But I don't have many friends. He knows I'm not going anywhere. Where do i find guys to flirt with? I'm set out to join different clubs to just meet people. I'm also looking for a job so that I'm out there smiling and flirting. Even as a waitress I get to interact with guys. Bartender sounds gd too. Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I still feel that flirting is part of a bartender jobs so i believe it will happen. He has an outgoing personality. I guess i just feel tempation will be more available when working as a bartender and i can't go there every time to see if he is doing the right thing. Am i just being paranoid about this? Yes and no. My last long-termer was a career bartender. I understood very well that flirting is the only way to make any money in the bar industry, and that's why it worked out so well for us (we broke up for unrelated reasons). I trusted him completely and knew that no matter how many drunk chicks he was accepting hugs from and making empty promises to, it was all an act for making money and he was coming home to me and only me at the end of his shift. He once pointed out something key: he said, "Bartenders are personality whores." It's almost like being a stripper, minus the nudity. And if you don't trust him completely, you'll be screwed in the end. Yes, waitresses and customers do flirt with the bartenders very overtly, and jealousy seems to kill the relationships of like 99% of everyone in the bar industry. Not cheating, just jealousy. That ought to tell you something. Dating bar people is only for the extremely secure. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 i definitely have some trust issues with him and most of the time i feel like its me being insecure. If this bartending thing does happen, I am worried i will not be able to handle the flirting i know will occur and worried he would become friends with these barmaids or get to know some of the female customers. I would be able to visit him at the bar from time to time but i know i can not babysit him and make sure nothing will happen. Did you go to the bar and visit him? It is not going to be his full time job. The most I am thinking he will do is 2-3 days. Is it possible for a relationship to survive through this type of job? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I do have some trust issues with him and alot of the time i feel like i am being paranoid and too cautious. I'm worried if this bartending thing happens i will not be able to handle the flirting or him getting to know the barmaids and female customers. I have even mentioned to him that he needs to do whats best for him but i can't ignore my own feelings. Am i overreacting or can a relationship survive this type of job? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I know how you feel. My boyfriend is thinking of taking a second job as a personal trainer at a very upscale health club. There will be tons of gorgeous women with craploads of money and nothing to do. There wouldn't be any commitment with them, because they are all married to wallets, but there would be tons of fooling around. It's just a matter of time... Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Did you go to the bar and visit him? Is it possible for a relationship to survive through this type of job? Visiting him at work is a HUGE no-no in any serious bar. You could get him fired. Managers don't like it because they know exactly what you're doing there. Distracting him from his work, keeping tabs on him so he can't "sell drinks" as effectively (and by sell drinks I mean whore out his personality so the customer's compelled to drink more with him), and possibly bringing drama. It's very unprofessional. Don't go there. You shouldn't even want to "babysit" him, because the whole idea is for him to be as much of a whore as possible to make the most money, and he can't do that while you're there. That said, I used to drop in upon his request around last call every day because I was his ride home. He knew I knew the drill, so he acted the same when I was there. I even remember how he used to act behind the bar before we started dating. Trust me, it's all innocent; I practically live at bars and I've seen it all. The survival of the relationship depends on your ability to tell fantasy from reality. Getting jealous of him doing his job is equivalent to an actor's wife getting pissed because he has to do a kissing scene in a movie. When he flirts with women at the bar, remember it's acting. It's a part of the job, and if he didn't do it, he wouldn't make any money. He's not actually banging these chicks. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 "I even remember how he used to act behind the bar before we started dating. Trust me, it's all innocent; I practically live at bars and I've seen it all. The survival of the relationship depends on your ability to tell fantasy from reality. " So you two met in the bar where he was working and became an item thereafter? IF so, how can you say all of this flirting is fantasy and innocent? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 Well I know i wouldn't go there everytime he is working but i do not feel it is wrong to go because of the manager. I'm not going to be staring at my b/f and making sure he isn't talking. It will make more comfortable knowing i can see him from time to time. I feel flirting is disrepectful when in a relationship. Maybe that is why i do not like this situation. I feel if it is not something you would do in front of your partner, then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all. What does everyone else think? Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 So you two met in the bar where he was working and became an item thereafter? IF so, how can you say all of this flirting is fantasy and innocent? We didn't. We met WHILE he was working there. I was introduced to him through a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Well I know i wouldn't go there everytime he is working but i do not feel it is wrong to go because of the manager. I'm not going to be staring at my b/f and making sure he isn't talking. It will make more comfortable knowing i can see him from time to time. I feel flirting is disrepectful when in a relationship. Maybe that is why i do not like this situation. I feel if it is not something you would do in front of your partner, then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all. What does everyone else think? Dude... it's BARTENDING... what part of that are you not getting?! Bartending = flirting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted March 5, 2006 Author Share Posted March 5, 2006 My bf said he really needs this second job to have some pocket money. He says it comes down to me not being secure enough and not trusting him enough. He also says he would not be doing this every night but more like a sunday or monday and tuesday so it wouldn't be every weekend of him bartending although i'm sure it will happen some weekends. Even though he said if i knew the type of girls who went to this bar, i wouldn't be worrying -I still am. Am I worrying too much over this? I know he is eventually going to get this job and now I am spending time worrying about how this will affect our relationship. I have a feeling the times he is bartending there, I am going to be wondering who he is flirting with or if he is getting too friendly with the barmaids although he says come by the nights he is working. I do agree though that if a guy wants to cheat, he will do it no matter what and does not need this type of job to do it. Despite this, i have a hard time believing a guy can resist temptation especially when it comes easily at a bar and that type of atmosphere. Need advice. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Need advice on this. More input would be appreciated. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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