shell1162 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 hi, ive been dating this guy for 2 years we have a child together, he also has a child with another women, him and his x have been split up for 6 years, recently i found out that he was seeing her about 6 months before we got together, he told me he hated his x as she had cheated on him with one of his mates, then they got back together but then again she slept with someone else behind his back so they totally split up, when we first got together i asked him if he liked his x and whether he had slept with her since splitting up with her, he answered me with no he hates her and would never sleep with her, so when i found out he had been seeing her not long before me i was furious, ever since finding out we have argued about her. I hate the fact he has to see her 3 times a week to drop his child off to her, i dont know what to do? He makes me feel like im not good enough and he refuses sex sometimes and he never seems to want to spend time doing romantic things with me, i feel unfancied, so i shout at him and say well u told me u never liked ur x but u could sleep with her so am i not good enough, i feel second best. Has anyone got any advice or been through simular things. Advice is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Screaming at him is not going to fix your problem. Get a book on relationships and work through it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 you said he got back together with her after they split...so really...he hadn't been with her since they broke up for the second time..he wasn't lying to you. Anyways, she cheated on him twice, and hes not going to go back to that, you two are together. Stop shouting at him because your jealous...when he has really done nothing wrong. It will only drive him away. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I think it's really tough to date someone with children because even if there is NO romantic feeling between him and his ex, she will always be a part of his life because of the children. I worry less, though, because I have a friend who has a child and still communicates with his father. She talks to him a lot, and they are friendly, but she talks all the time about how she made the right choice in ending things with him. His new GF is jealous and paranoid, but there is no reason to be. It's natural to worry because he's around someone who used to be so significant, but you guys have been together a while and I'd be surprised if you really had anything to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
sazzya1987 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Sounds like there is nothing to worry about in your relationship and your just letting your paranoia get to you. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 My SO also has a son from a previous relationship. They split up only a few months before I came on the scene, although it wasn't the first time they had split, simply the final time. He'd checked out of the relationship emotionally quite some time before. His son is still very young, so it was a very hard decision for him. But I know he believes (and can see) that he did the right thing. He's now able to be a better father for his son since he is happy within himself. The fact is that your bf is now with you. You are going to have to learn to be secure within that relationship, or it is never going to work. The ex will be in his life for at least the first 18 years of his childs life, and to be really honest in part will be in his life for ever. Only as the child becomes an adult and moves on with their own life will the need for contact between them dwindle. You simply have to accept this. It isn't always easy, of course it's not. There are times I worry that they weren't split up long enough before I came on the scene, or that the pull of his child will be too strong and he'll return. But these are unfounded fears... and I have to recognise that and control that. I know (from his friends, family and him) that he is now happier, brighter. He was on the verge of a breakdown while with her. I know he loves me and the future we have together. But also he does work to make sure I feel secure. He is open about the contact they have, often copying me on emails. Not because I ask, but because having the open communication makes it easy for both of us to know what's going on. He always makes sure that he makes time for 'us'. So if we've been hectic with his son and family, we'll take a day's holiday and have a long weekend together, concentrating on us. A relationship with an SO with a child is always going to be that little bit extra hard work... question is... are you willing to do what is required? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 He makes me feel like im not good enough and he refuses sex sometimes and he never seems to want to spend time doing romantic things with me, i feel unfancied, so i shout at him and say well u told me u never liked ur x but u could sleep with her so am i not good enough, i feel second best. So your emotional needs are not satisfied... You handle the disappointment in the manner that's closest to your heart (by expressing your anger verbally) and you think it has to be YOU who is not good enough (unlike his ex), not HIM who is simply a non-romantic, boring guy. Many women find themselves surprised and disappointed when they see that their men take them for granted. I am pretty sure he did that to his ex too (or did you forget that she cheated on him with two people?!). There is absolutely no reason for you to be jealous of his ex. He probably slept with her because he had to sleep with someone. He told you the truth and it was 2.5 years ago. Having sex with someone doesn't always mean that we love or really want that preson, just like not having sex regularly doesn't mean we don't want/love our partner. Your problem is not unique, there are millions of women who feel like you. You need romance, spice, and passion... he needs comfort and peace (boring, I agree). You long for the times when he stared at you with a sparkle in his eyes and told you about his plans, smiled for no reason, held your hand or played with your hair... Now his head is usually turned away from you, he doesn't watch you when you get underessed, doesn't notice when you look great... Welcome to the Kingdom of Marriage! I think there are two ways to solve this issue: 1. To think of ways how to enjoy together more and actually work on this; you can seek professional help too. However if it boils down to him rolling his eyes and telling you "Okay, what do you wanna do?" then I guess, the only solution is: 2. To turn to yourself and live your own life that has more spice and fun. Just make sure you don't use his ex-wife's strategy as you will lose him. See now why she cheated on him? You still feel that she got better treatment than you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shell1162 Posted February 28, 2006 Author Share Posted February 28, 2006 thanks to everyone who posted a reply it has helped a great deal, i know im ruining my relationship over something so trivial as this, but im sure i will get there in the end and hopefully think why did i ever arguing over his x in the first place, thanks again for taking that bit of time to help someone u dont know out its greatly appreciated!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I suggest you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I learned alot about this book . You have to know what your spouse or s/o love languages is in order to understand them. It is a very interesting book and i highly recommend it. I am now reading The Seven Love Agreements by Scott Weiss this book isn't all that interesting can't get into this one but still reading it. Check the Five Love Languages out so you two can work things out .Good Luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tell you how it is Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 No joke. It really is. I think a lot of relationships are run/ruined by jealousy. Jealousy is a good thing, but to a certain point. I think you're taking it a little overboard, and in fact, it's an excuse for him to leave you because of it. One thing that really stuck out is that you constantly bring up his past. Get over it. You should enjoy the moment and get HIS past out of your head. Ok, yes, he has a kid with the ex, but that's something you're going to have to deal with. It happened, and there's nothing you can do about it. What you really REALLY have to do is not be so gosh darn needy. You're needy. Go out, make some friends. Hang out more with your friends, girls or guys. The fact that you're out will make him want you more. Link to post Share on other sites
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