ex in contact after a year

[Still_In_Love]

I agree she should take her sweet time in getting back to him. I've built my life on giving people the benefit of the doubt and more often than not, I get burned.

 

I totally agree with CaliGuy. How often do people give the benefit of the doubt and get burnt by trying to believe in people. I am as guilty as anyone wanting to give peope a chance to redeem themselves and I always end up being the guy who got taken for a ride.

Caliguy isn't being rude by his suggestions, he's being cool and not giving anything away. But hey...been there, done that and got the scars to prove it!

CaliGuy, it's good to be a skeptic then you know you won't get burned!!

[missC]

Thanks again everyone.

 

I am still going to leave it a while but am wondering that if I reply, should it just be an email that isn't really asking for a reply so it looks like I am not too bothered to hear from him again or leave it open asking how he is, or his family or something along those line which leaves it to him to respond back?

 

I just don't want to appear too desperate to get communication going but on the other hand, I don't want to come across too laidback about it as he might interpret it as "please don't ever contact me again" as if there is a chance of reconcilliation, albeit a very slight one, I would be interested to gives things ago (on my terms though!) as I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance, maybe not a third or fourth, but definitely a second!.

 

My honest feelings about him are that I do still love him but I don't need him, I would prefer to have him in my life but can manage without him as I have done very well for the past year.

[CaliGuy]

My honest feelings about him are that I do still love him but I don't need him, I would prefer to have him in my life but can manage without him as I have done very well for the past year.

 

Well then when you do reply, make it short and business like with no real opening for him to reply. In other words:

 

"No sorry that wasn't me. Take care."

 

If he truly is interested in pursuing you, you have left him an opening. He knows you read your email and that you care just enough to reply, but not enough to ask questions or pursue him.

 

That's another reason why waiting a while to reply is good. Not only does it give you some time to think things through, it shows him that he isn't on the top of your priority list anymore.

[dgiirl]

i would respond with just one word, maybe two "Euuh, hi"

 

He's not giving you anything to respond with. So he saw you. Whoopie. Good for him. It's not like he's asking how you've been, what you've been doing lately, are you ok, he misses you, etc. He's not showing much if at all any interest. Dont you think since he's the one to dump you, he should make a lot more effort to make ammends then "Hey i saw you".

[MusicWoman]

hey, if the guy is still a nice guy...friendly is possible. Maybe you don't want him out of your life forever.

 

Either way, email him back I think. say its nice to hear from him, but why now? what happened before with the break up? If he can't answer your questions or he doesn't respond...you can just put this behind you too.

 

I emailed my ex the other day, not because I have feelings for him anymore (I'm engaged to someone else, and my fiancee said it was fine to email him) but to make sure he is alive because a mutual friend of ours who attends the same college as him said she hadn't seen him in months. I just wanted to know if he was still alive. Maybe he just wants to know that your still alive.

[LexiB]

MissC,

 

I think you should listen to your hunch ~ forget about answering him. I mean look at how much this one little email shook you up! If you answered him and he began ignoring you again, could you handle that? Really don't think so and this happens all the time.

 

One of my exes used to call me every few months out of the blue "just to say hi". I'd purposely wait a week or two before calling him back and we'd have an amazing conversation...and then he'd be MIA again:sick:

 

You don't need to respond to him to figure out why he emailed you. If he's really interested in having you back in his life in more than a "just dropping in to say hey" kind of way, then he will make another effort to contact you other than this half-@ssed approach. "uhhh, I think I saw you at the train the other day"

 

...and his point would be...??

 

Much luck to you!

[missC]

Haven't replied yet.

 

I was going to today, just saying that it might have been me he saw, who knows? - that sort of thing.

 

Only problem is now I think that I saw him at the rail station this morning - he was behind a few other people and I'm pretty sure he must have seen me as he kept his head down and rushed off and soon as he could.

 

I don't feel it was my obligation to approach him (considering he did the dumping) and he certainly didn't look as if he wanted to acknowledge me (I could be wrong, and maybe he didn't see me, but...)

 

This complicates things now...if I reply today as I was intending, it is going to seem like I am only replying because I saw him.

 

This is getting silly now.......help!!!

[Simons]

Do we always get all the emails that are sent to us???. Sometimes we don't, assume it was one of those emails that you deleted accidentally before reading or never reached your inbox.

 

Otherwise it seems like you really still want something to do with him. In that case, you can email back, say "Hello" and thats it.

[someone_here]

He didn't make any effort to contact you in almost a year.

 

Maybe you should wait a year to reply.

 

yes! 10000% agree! well sadi CaliGuy!

[LexiB]

see, you're putting way too much thought into this now.

 

Just drop it and see if he tries to get in contact with you again. Simple enough.

 

Even though you may want to talk to him there's obviously something inside of you holding you back from it at this time ~ otherwise you would have done it already regardless of what anyone on here advised you to do.

 

Just wait and see if he makes another attempt to talk to you. If he does then reciprocate if not, que sera, sera. You will know that this was jsut another bump in the relationship recovery road and you overcame it without damaging youself (or your "car" to complete the analogy ) any further in the process.

[someone_here]

when he said he saw you ..

" oh..really? "

[CaliGuy]

Haven't replied yet.

 

I was going to today, just saying that it might have been me he saw, who knows? - that sort of thing.

 

Only problem is now I think that I saw him at the rail station this morning - he was behind a few other people and I'm pretty sure he must have seen me as he kept his head down and rushed off and soon as he could.

 

I don't feel it was my obligation to approach him (considering he did the dumping) and he certainly didn't look as if he wanted to acknowledge me (I could be wrong, and maybe he didn't see me, but...)

 

This complicates things now...if I reply today as I was intending, it is going to seem like I am only replying because I saw him.

 

This is getting silly now.......help!!!

 

If he doesn't have the b*lls to approach you, to say something, it's probably because he is embarrassed/ashamed of himself. He dumped you and now he is quite humbled.

 

Let him wait. Like I said, he waited a year to contact you, you shouldn't be in a hurry to reply

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Boy... you people make everything so complicated .

 

"think I saw you at railway station the other morning, didn't know whether it would be ok to say hello, so didn't - so hello."

 

Reply: Oh yeah? Well, I don't think I saw you. So hello back. And nice hearing from you.

 

And reply the same day or so.

 

Sighh.....

 

Ariadne

[missC]

Got an email from him yesterday. (so it was definitely him that I saw!) He said that he saw me at station again and wants to say hello, so is it ok for him to say hello.

 

I replied saying that it could have been me as I was at that station at that time. I said that I was ok and hoped that he was too.

 

He replied back straight away, again asking if it is ok to say hello.

 

What do I do now? should I reply along the lines of "I suppose it would be ok to say hello. Just a bit surprised to hear from you, you don't usually have anything to do with your exes." or something like that.

 

This might get him to say what he wants.

 

What do you think?

[Lishy]

If you want to reply - I would say "WHy are you asking me if you can say hello? Surely if you can Email me you can come and speak to me? We are not children and you do not need permission to say hello!"

 

Let him think you are so not bothered and that you think he is being childish (which he is)

 

But before you do that you need to be sure that you could handle face to face contact with him! Only you can know that for sure ... Do not put yourself in a position where you walk away feeling like dog poop!

 

Remember ....... YOU are the important one ok!

[gfto]

This guy probably just struck out with some girl, and he needs a little ego boost. That's where you come in. Out-of-the-blue e-mails and phone calls from ex's are always about this (or at least 99.9% of the time). I think we've all done this. You're just not feeling a spark with someone, so you break it off. Many months later, you just can't resist saying Hi, even though you're still not really interested in the person. You're just curious how (and if) they'll reply. You gave this guy exactly what he was looking for, a friendly hello, which tells him you're available and you're not angry at him. But, I doubt very seriously that he wants you back. Even if he did, is that the kind of relationship you want? Would you really feel any passion towards a guy who dumped you a year ago? You deserve better.

[Tenorman]

Don't reply to the email where he asks you whether he can say 'hello'. It is a ridiculous question on his part! I think you did well by ignoring that part of his email, so continue to ignore it. By doing so you communicate to him that he has to make the decision and take the risk whether to say hello to you or not, which is how it should be. In the meantime do as Lishy suggests - assess whether you are really up to having any contact with him again (and whether you really want to). If you are feeling weak and vulnerable and will take any form of rejection from him as an ego shattering blow, then best stay away.

[Lishy]

I must say I do agree with not replying!

 

Just picture this ...... Say you answer and he never replies again and you dont see him at the station........ Rejection all over again!

 

Sleep on this one for a while!

[LexiB]

She already answered him ~ second email that he initiated.

 

 

Since you're already speaking to him and he keeps sending these silly "saw you at the train/can i say hi" messages you have every right to find out what the hell he wants (I'm sure you'll ask in a nicer way though:D ). No need to beat around the bush with subtleties ~ you're looking out for yourself here.

[missC]

I replied to the second email because he sent it to my work email knowing that I would definitely have got it (the first was sent to an address that I don't use very often).

 

Basically, I am a polite person and I can't ignore someone - it just isn't me. I don't think my response gave him what he wanted in that, as gtfo suggested, let him think I was available and not angry with him. I think I was just polite in replying but gave him nothing, just said I was ok and that I hoped he was too - just polite and nothing else, not open-ended for more contact either.

 

I am assuming he is asking if it would be ok to say hello if he happens to see me around and not actually asking to see me - which I suppose would be ok, after a year and a bit and as we are both adults! - I'll just have to avoid that particular station from now on!!!

 

If he has a different agenda than just trying to be friendly, then, as some of you have already said, he needs to try just a little bit harder.

 

Thanks everyone!

[missC]

I emailed him this afternoon and just said that he could say hello if he wanted to and left it at that.

 

he emailed straight back and said "I will then. Take care"

 

so that's that then. I doubt if I will hear from him again now. Don't know what it was all about or what he was expecting unless he purposely just wanted to upset/annoy me...who knows?

 

He has made me feel a bit stupid for indulging him in his little email game but at least I was polite and didn't (I hope!) come across as anything other than neutral.

 

Thanks everyone.

[CaliGuy]

If he has a different agenda than just trying to be friendly, then, as some of you have already said, he needs to try just a little bit harder.

 

I also think if he has a different agenda you should take things very slow, find out what has changed about him and why his interest is rekindled in you.

 

You definitely don't want to be someone like me. The person they go to in between other people they like more than you

[GB111]

Love has no competition. There is no other when you've met "the one".

[missC]

Thanks caliguy,

 

I have had that thought, that if he is interested in coming back, is it only because something has happened with the other girl? I know that he does not like to be alone - single isn't his thing! so is it a case of "better the devil you know" until someone better comes along?

 

I don't particularly fancy being his pit-stop, as it were

 

but again, I think I've heard the last of him now. Doesn't feel like there was anything in it other than curiosity.

[Mariella43]

I've experienced exactly what you are going thru. My ex recently contacted me after he dumped me 8 months ago. When he broke up with me I let him go and did not pursue him at all. He didn't pursue other relationships during our time apart - he worked long hours and spent time soul searching. We both were exhausted from trying to make our relationship work and we just needed a major time out. He broke up with me because I wouldn't marry him and move in his house. With us both raising teen boys I saw way too many problems ahead with merging families and lifestyles. Now he realizes I'm right and he apologized for pressuring me into way too much committment.

 

He spent 8 months regretting his decision and came back. I'm no fool though - I am definately being cautious and protective of my feelings. But I'm all for dating and seeing what happens. We're both in our 40's and dating is tough at our age - the pickings are slim.

 

He contacted me, took me on a date last weekend and we're friends. We're talking and planning future dates. I've changed in the time we were apart. I realize who short life is and I'm not getting any younger - I do want someone to spend the rest of my life with. He feels the same.

 

So maybe we'll make it - maybe not. We're just friends and trying to get over the games and b.s. and just enjoy each others company. I won't ever get married until my son is grown and on his own. He comes first and our home is stable and comfortable. I won't give that up yet. I would if I felt totally secure in a relationship and he was a good father to my son but that isn't the case. So I can only date him and see if it works. If not I won't be too upset.

 

Give it a shot with this guy if you still love him and care about him. People do change - and sometimes people have to lose a good thing to truly appreciate it.