almostthere Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I hate to even see me putting this into words. I am a divorced mom of 2 (8&5 years old). I am getting ready to move in with the man I have been dating now for almost a year. He is a divorced dad of 3 (6,7,8 year old). His kids have free run of the house, trash things, break things and dont know what they can and cannot touch. I went to put on my bracelet this morning and it was broken. I cannot take it anymore. I spent $150 per child on his kids for xmas and everything i got is destroyed. I am really strict with my kids. I have been teaching them right from wrong and they have never touched or broken things they are not supposed to. just so you think i am not over exaggerating...i bought bunk beds for my kids. we have been living with my bf now and we have decided to move into a house that we both want to live in. the first day the bunks were up his kids climbed up on the top bunk and broke off the fan blades!! on purpose even. his son took a flourescent light for a fish tank and took it like a baseball bat and broke it against the bunk bed and glass went every where. His son turned on the burner on the stove yesterday and tried making his own pancakes. his daughter blew up a bratz head. not to mention my children actually hide their own toys from these kids because his youngest daughter (7) will purposely destroy his cars. Now...i try to remind myself that i will only have to put up with this every other weekend but does this mean i cant even have anything nice in my house? my bf and i are perfect together right now. we enjoy every moment we spend together. it would be a shame for me to walk away because of his kids but as you can see nothing is safe. we hide everything important from them. my laptop, my jewelry box, my kids toys, my school work...everything. and its just not me and the kids its their dad too. I need some advice....please. Oh and when he told me his son did that with the pancakes i said did you do anything about it? he said no..what am i supposed to do? I said tell him he is only 6 and cannot play with fire. its a gas stove. what if the burner didnt lite and gas was coming out and no one knew. what if i didnt know there was glass in my daughters bed and she cut herself? they dump out bins of toys just because. i have to clean the house every day when i get home from work. i am not saying my kids dont make a mess but they do clean it up. i bought my son markers and they left the caps off and/or put them in a glass of water. they ball up toliet paper and wet it and throw it on the ceiling. or TP a bedroom. Or just throw all the rolls in the sink and get all the rolls wet. I could go on and on. I cannot live like that. in my own home (which we will be getting in 2 months) this WILL NOT happen. and I will yell when something of mine gets broken. And if he ever gets custody of the kids i will move out. I cannot live like that. They spill pop on purpose on floors. all over the floor...and throw food around our bedroom. i cant stand this. their mom complains too so i know its not retaliation.
Sassy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 My friend is in this situation ,and it has been alot of heartache ,and she tells me all the time if she had to do it over again she wouldn't! These kids are unruly and this father has no control over them. You have to ask is this what you want for your children the rest of their lives ? No discipline and respect ,and your children might even rebel because those kids get away with things. Don't think i would want to be dealing with that the rest of my life the constant battle to stressful .I just know from what my friend has went through. She says it has not been easy at all. Good Luck
catgirl1927 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 It's not just you, it's your children too. It doesn't sound like this will work out well for any of you. I'm sure he's a great guy, but get out now, you'll be miserable. My aunt got in a relationship like this with unruly children. That was 10 years ago. Now she has 4 grown stepkids with no jobs, one has a kid and is pregnant, they are broke beyond belief and her credit is ruined because they keep wrecking car after car after car. Run. Like the wind.
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 No way would I marry this guy. If you indeed have spoken to him about this issue and he has not resolved his childrens problems and disrespect you are just heading for more...... the bigger they get the bigger problems they can cause. IMHO.
Author almostthere Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 Catgirl...you bring up a good point. Here i was thinking theyd get better as they got older. Judging by my bf's stepson...I think youre right. He has no job, borrows my car, smokes pot and drinks. you dont think with me and him working together can change their behavior.
Moose Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Run. Like the wind.This is sad. Look at everyone telling you to jet. Look at it this way for once: You can run like the wind, OR, you can look at this situation as an opportunity to help them out. You and I both know that if these kids continue on the path they're on, they will not make it in the real world. If you enter into their life, and influence them to straighten up and fly right, you could literally be saving them from certain death. Why people don't see it this way blows my mind......
cal gal Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I say DON'T do it! You don't need this in your life or a distraction like this for your kids while they are growing up. Take these years to concentrate on helping them to be the best they can be. It is your job as their mother to protect and love them. This reduces the opportunites when you are spending time and energy helping with "his" side of things... After they are older, you can tend to what your wants and needs are.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 My stepson is fairly well behaved and it's sort of the best of circumstances but it still gets stressful. If you're having this much trouble now, I say beware, it will not get any better. I'd separate from him until he can get those kids under control and show you a pattern of it.
Sassy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 This is sad. Look at everyone telling you to jet. Look at it this way for once: You can run like the wind, OR, you can look at this situation as an opportunity to help them out. You and I both know that if these kids continue on the path they're on, they will not make it in the real world. If you enter into their life, and influence them to straighten up and fly right, you could literally be saving them from certain death. Why people don't see it this way blows my mind...... Moose that sounds good and all but how can that happen if the father isn't going to be on the same page .This will bring turmoil to their marriage and make him think she hates his kids. Happens everyday in marriages . My friend is an example now . She tries to influence this child and the father looks at it as she hates his son because it isn't hers . She has been in his life since he was small. It can work only if the father will stick to what they say about disciplining and respect in these kids . He has to be consistant and follow through.
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 This is sad. Look at everyone telling you to jet. Look at it this way for once: You can run like the wind, OR, you can look at this situation as an opportunity to help them out. You and I both know that if these kids continue on the path they're on, they will not make it in the real world. If you enter into their life, and influence them to straighten up and fly right, you could literally be saving them from certain death. Why people don't see it this way blows my mind...... Moose that is a nice thought. But if the father is not willing to help out with teaching the kids right from wrong how is a step mother supposed to fix and take care of his kids and her own? She deserves to be happy and content in a marriage not enter a war zone as a sole soldier and allow her kids to be casualties of this as well.
JadeStar Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I was going to say what Moose said but he beat me to it. I'm sure it will be quite a challenge no doubt, but YOU might just be what those kids need. They might need a stable mother figure to lay the law down with them. It might take you to take a step up to the plate to help them out. Will they comply? Who knows. Is it really fair to you, to try to undo the things that have already been done or not done by the father not taking the upper hand? No. But I guess it sometimtes just depends on what we really truly want and if you feel its worth it or not. If you marry this man, he will have to step up to the plate as well. its possible he wasn't taught or learned properly how to deal with kids in this nature, he sees it as being easier to let them run wild etc, than putting forth the effort to discipline them etc. I would also suggest some counseling for the family as a whole, and this is something that needs to be worked on now to get things on the right track before you decide to marry him. Give it shot with the kids etc, and if after a peroid of time it simply doesn't look like its going to work, then thats a different story and you can't say you didn't try. Jade
Moose Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 This is all true. BUT: Have you considered why the Father let's them run around like hoolagins? How did they lose their Mother? Was it a nasty Divorce, did she pass away? Was it the Father's fault, does he blame himself, or does he just not give a care? If it's simply because he doesn't give a rat's behind, then yes....all things considered, he himself may need some structure from her. Afterall, once they're married, they are all in the same boat.
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 This is all true. BUT: Afterall, once they're married, they are all in the same boat. exactly .....but they are not married yet! Jade had some good points but then you also have to chuck in the ex wife and how she handles the kids for the majority of time....... you cannot control what she does with them in her home and that is not consistant behavior modification. Or they can go to counselling with all 5 kids and the ex wife........now that would be interesting indeed.
Sassy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Moose that is a nice thought. But if the father is not willing to help out with teaching the kids right from wrong how is a step mother supposed to fix and take care of his kids and her own? She deserves to be happy and content in a marriage not enter a war zone as a sole soldier and allow her kids to be casualties of this as well. Totally agree with you a4a . My friend is miserable cause the dad won't get balls and be a parent. She even disciplines the daughter more than he is . My friend's h don't want to take responsibility and deal with it. My friend's h said to her the other day that when his son gets out on his own he won't be able to do anything. All this child cares about is sports and being popular. These kids no a days can't do nothing for themselves and have no respect for noone . They think money grows on trees. We teach our children to be able to be on their own and make a family . My friend's h son will not be able to survive on his own at all. She gave him what she could but her h never made this child walk the line. It shows when i am around he has no respect for her and the its the father's fault.
magda Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I responded in the other topic you made. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83175/
bluechocolate Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 almost - does he have a job yet? Does he have his license back yet? Or are you still lending him your car, buying his cigarettes & feeding his children & grown brother? I've said in another thread a while back that I don't think you should move in with this guy. I still think the same. Such a move will not be good for your kids & they have to be your first priority.
catgirl1927 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 The thing is, they are HIS kids. You can only help them if he will let you, and it has to be a team effort.
Author almostthere Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 OK...as far as the mom goes...she has custody of the children. However she is a manic depressive and she calls my bf over the phone so he can tell the children to behave. not to mention she told the children that daddy cheated on mommy with me. Funny thing is i never knew my bf, never saw him or anything until they were divorced for a year and a half. the ex and me are a whole other thread. So my bf gets his kids starting this weekend every other weekend. up until today he had them in the morning and after school every day. The reason for the divorce was mommy cheated on daddy. So thats a little of whats going with the mom. And no...couseling with my kids, me , his kids, his ex and him is not an option. this relationship is very important to me but not that important. Not to mention his ex hates me and lets the world know.
JadeStar Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 When I mentioned counseling for the family as a whole, I was referring to you, him and his kids. On how to get a litttle better handle on things. It might work and it might not. The spot you're in, is a tough one to be in I'm sure. Jade
Author almostthere Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 Blue chocolate....I cant believe you remember my story. Heres an update... Well...he kicked his brother out last week. My car is still being shared...however, his license is not suspended anymore, he has been working here and there but is on an interview today with a really good company. And he has finally fixed his truck and i get my car back tomorrow. he has finally told his ex how it is and she no longer direspects me or our relationship...ok...besides lying to the kids which he says he has yell at her for already. I guess i am still paying for smokes and gas mostly. He cannot afford his rent this month and I can. I did not let him know this. He thinks i am broke. Its not that i think he will ask for help but i will feel bad if he knows i have the $ but i wont help out. So i lied. And because I am not helping him out he is moving out of his house tonight and being forced to move back in with his dad. of course me and the kids have been staying there for probably a month now so that kicks us back with my mom but i thought if i make it easy on him he wont do anything. not only that but i need my $ for my kids. I cant keep lending him $. so he is going back to his dads. I am going to take the next three months to think about if this is really what i want. to see if i see what i need to see. I am pretty sure this job is his. he is very smart...just seems a bit lazy lately and I am not sure why. He wasnt when we first met. so thats where we are.
Author almostthere Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 Im sorry I misunderstood...I believe in one of the replies it mentioned we all go to counseling. I guess i just feel that this is a little more trouble then i really wanted. And i try to tell myself its only for a total of 4 days a month we would have them there but ive seen the damage they do in an hour (sometimes 10 minutes). His daughter (7) and my son (8) dont like each other. Shes very bossy and my son is not used to that. the other day she called him ugly and I wanted to scream at her. my son is very cute and i wont allow anyone to call him that. she called him stupid too. those are words that we dont use. i wont allow my children to name call or say studip, ugly, shut up things like that. they have a high level of respect. they act up here and there my daughter (5) has a little temper to her that I have almost worked completely through (she had the worst terrible 2's ever but is fine now) and my son (8) saw that commercial with the brother and sister at the beach and the brother is almost touching the sister and the sister freaks out about it...yeah he thought that was funny and does that. but gets in trouble for it. in any case.... everyone has told him his kids need counseling and their behaviors are not normal but he refuses to believe it and gets angry. Which brings me to a question.... In talking to his other family members I have learned that of his three sisters and the brother that has children and my bf all the children are on ridilin. but none of hsi siblings needed it while growing up (or took it anyway). Could this be a family illness? or just a family with an up bringing that allowed them to do whatever they wanted to and now they all parent that way? my bfs kids are not on meds. his sisters two children arent either because of pride but 6 other children are. and they are all under 12.
Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Can you say, Nanny 911? Even if there is a medical condition, these kids need firm, consistent application of known, agreed-upon rules, and your bf is the one who has to do it. You can't at this point. It has to come from him. I agree with MzP: back out of this situation and see if your bf can get his kids under control. Get your own place to stay and take care of your children. If he doesn't get his kids under control as a real parent, then he's just going to be another child for you to take care of. Is that what you want? Moose is right, too. You could be a positive influence in their lives, but not if your bf doesn't do his job as their father. Unless that happens, you're in for domestic slavery. Go slow.
MrsHellFire Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I wouldn't know what to say without offending him, but both parents obviously did not train these kids well. They sound like ANIMALS for pete's sake!! LOL. My gosh... if you love him, maybe it's best to continue the relationship, but living APART... It's stressful enough raising kids, but when you have 5 in which three are monsters, it's beyond unlivable... I'm surprised the kids get away with so much crap... Maybe it would be best to just have them take turns seeing the father so you can teach them proper behavior when at your home. Like 1 or 2 kids at a time come over. Because all three together sounds like a recipe for disaster and too hard to teach or handle when they are already monstrous. LOL Plus I would talk to them about the REAL situation, not lies that the mother makes up to make these kids hate you. Maybe they need more attention... take them places, give them one on one attention and show that you care about them. But I wouldn't start with all three kids at once. They'll just go nuts together.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I can just speak from experience as being a stepchild and a stepparent now. A blended family is hard enough- under the best of circumstances. You clearly have more issues going on here than just the kids. He doesn't work or if he does half the time. My position is that he's using you. You're supporting him, giving him a ride and helping raise his kids. Seems as if you're giving an awful lot and not getting much in return. If you had already married this guy and you were having these issues I could say stick it out perhaps, counseling, yada yada but you guys are not married. Plus, he's emotionally draining due to all of his other issues. He will treat you as you allow yourself to be treated, period.
blind_otter Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I can just speak from experience as being a stepchild and a stepparent now. A blended family is hard enough- under the best of circumstances. You clearly have more issues going on here than just the kids. He doesn't work or if he does half the time. My position is that he's using you. You're supporting him, giving him a ride and helping raise his kids. Seems as if you're giving an awful lot and not getting much in return. If you had already married this guy and you were having these issues I could say stick it out perhaps, counseling, yada yada but you guys are not married. Plus, he's emotionally draining due to all of his other issues. He will treat you as you allow yourself to be treated, period. I agree w/ MzP.
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