Interracial Marriages

[Shicoal]

What are your views on interracial marriages?

 

Spouse and I been married for 2 years and been togeather for almost 5. I come from a Pacific Islander/Asian decent and they are of Italian/Irish/German. My family has yet to meet my spouse's family. Due to the long distance in geographical location. My spouse has met alot of my family being in the military and stationed where I'm from. I have only met his parent's, sibling's and grandmother.

 

Soon we will be relocating where most of his extended family resides. He had once told me an uncle of his had said a derragotory comment on the phone "Don't marry that chink". I felt insulted to hear that, when the time comes we would go and visit his extended family member's. If the situation escalates or things that are being said to and about me because of my ethinicity. What should I do? How would I handle a such a situation.

 

As well as advice being interracially married.....btw we are both good and living well with typical martial issues. It's just individuals who are related to my spouse, if it will open a can of shyte about them.

[quankanne]

What should I do?

 

sounds like you inherited some rednecks when you got married. Best thing you can do is to hold your head up high and then kill 'em with kindness.

 

my husband's family are from Alabama, a state overflowing with rednecks, but my in-laws are the kindest, most supportive people I've ever met. Oddly enough it's my princesa older sister who is the real shxthead of both families, though truth be told, Mexicans can be very bigoted, even against their own kind ... but back to the advice of killing them with kindness. I told my husband to do just that with this particular sister. One, it shows him doing his damnedest to get along while she comes across as churlish; two, it really gets her goat when he's being nice okay, I shouldn't laugh, but my sister shouldn't be two-faced, either – we put up with all the drama her ex-husband generated and were civil to him, so I expect the same of her.

 

whatever you do, don't stoop to the uncle's level of being a jerk, because you'll only end up wallowing in the mud with him. Instead, do the kill'em with kindness thing in the hopes that you enlighten and elevate him from narrow mindset.

 

best of luck to you, and remember, while they might be family, YOU ultimately have the final say in how involved the two of you become with them.

[blind_otter]

My mom is Vietnamese, my Dad is from the mountains. Yes, rednecks. They aren't very nice to my mother. The way she deals with it, which I have always thought was classy, was to dress well, look great, and act so polite that they can't make nasty comments about anything other than their own ignorance.

 

But ultimately my Mom did have to get my Dad to move away from his family because it was too hard.

 

I wish you good luck. Hopefully things will work out better for you....

[quankanne]

The way she deals with it, which I have always thought was classy, was to dress well, look great, and act so polite that they can't make nasty comments about anything other than their own ignorance.

 

this is better than an ace-in-the-hole, in my thinking, because even while it might be hard to maintain that state of graciousness, people look up to the person who acts classy in a bad situation. And that just makes the ones being jackasses show their true colors.

[Shicoal]

best of luck to you, and remember, while they might be family, YOU ultimately have the final say in how involved the two of you become with them.

 

I totally agree with that! I knew that ever since my hubby and I got married we would have these racial red flags from different family members on both sides. My husband and I decide who we would like to help out and who we don't give a crap about. Especially family members that have ignored or treated me like crap when I was younger. Depending on the situation tho. But yea I feel that it is healthy to stay away and not surround yourself with people who turn you off big time!

[Lennox]

I wouldn't expect YOU to address the issue, I'd say that should be your husband's job. He needs to be the one to step up to the plate and defend you against his family if need be. Same goes if your family did that to him. I'd expect you to defend him and call them on their BS.

 

We once went to my hubby's grandpa's 90 somethingith birthday party. I had never met him before. You know how really old people look like their semi-comatose? Well, this old guy's eyeballs got really huge all of the sudden when my hubby introduced me to him as his wife. I didn't get mad...how do you get mad at someone like that??? I almost died because the urge to laugh was so strong and I had to behave myself! (Yeah, I have a weird, twisted sense of humor)

 

It would also help if he could help arm you with knowledge of the particular family member's flaws in advance of meeting them. Then, they won't catch you offguard. Talk to hubby and let him know that it's his responsibility to protect your feelings and call them on their BS if he has to. Hopefully, they will behave themselves and he won't have to do anything.

[Pink_Tulip]

I am white, my husband is Asian. My extended family would fall into the catergory of 'racist' with no question.

 

After my husband and I got married, my mother made the comment, 'I hope you don't have any children, b/c I certainly don't want any chinky grandchildren.' That was the last conversation we had for several years. I told her that was unacceptable, and that I would not tolerate disrespect towards my husband b/c of HER issues, and hung up the phone.

 

Fast forward to today. My mom is the best grandma on the planet and is completely obsessed with my kids. I don't think this is your issue, it is your husbands. There are many people who just LOVE to antagonize others, and many people who LET this happen. If your husband is wishy washy on this issue, you and he will forever be disrespected by his family.

 

By not only telling my mother I would not tolerate disprespect, but then showing her I meant it by not speaking to her for years, she had a lot of time to think about her issues and her priorities. She finally came to the conclusion that she didn't care what color her grandchildren were, she just wanted to be in their lives. I can't say is a completely changed woman, she still has her antequated opinions, but when she visits, she treats my husband with kindness and respect, and dotes on my children like they were the only kids on the planet. She respects the rules we have in our house, no name calling, racist remarks, etc., b/c she knows there are consequences to breaking them, and that we will back up our beliefs.

 

To me, there is not gray area when it comes to respect. Either they do or they don't. Please talk with your husband about this, and make a commitment that neither one of you will allow family to treat you badly. It will only cause a LOT of pain and turmoil in your life and marriage. I am sure you can search these boards and find tons of threads about people being caught in the middle of their spouse and family. Stand up to this immediately, from the beginning, and you will save yourselves a lot of stress down the road.

[Tenorman]

Your children may get confused and feel split in two if they are subjected to that kind of abuse from the family or from their peers. Because of the white 'majority' they will probably look mainly to their father for reassurance of their parents' union (I'm a mix btw). If they don't get that reassurance they may adopt society's attitudes (if just subliminally)and feel ashamed and hate the Asian part of themselves creating further conflict inside themselves. You'd hope that society had progressed to the point where interracial marriages and the children it produces are no longer a big deal - nothing bad but nothing special either - but I am starting to wonder about this again.

[jerbear]

PinkTulip I like your approach.

 

I'm an chinese male and my family ranted about me chasing and preferring older non-asian woman. Just two taboos chinese parents like to hear.

 

I told my parents espeically that they are not the ones who have to wake up to her, worry about household issues, social taboos, who makes me happy, and other issues. I maybe their "baby" but if they want grandbabies, I have to do it my way.

 

The big picture is that one day we will all become human beings or earthlings; if we human beings don't do something we'll regret.

 

I think I have set them straight.

[Shicoal]

I already knew when I first brought my hubby around my family the first couple of months we been togeather and he was my bf at the time. I sensed some dislike and agression from a few of my cousins, uncles, aunts etc. I know they were just aching to pour out there one minded opinions of my "white' bf etc.

 

I didn't care of coarse and well when I annouced I am going to marry him.... oh the horrah with one god sister. I took her shopping to buy her a better attire for my wedding. She stopped me and said "I know you don't want to get married, I know you feel like your being forced into this by your bf, some of us in the family feel you shouldn't get married because he will do this and that and when you get on that plane we are all going to start worrying"...so I told her "Who in the family says I shouldn't get married?" and she replies " Oh you know.....like autie so and so and even your stepmother!"

 

Right then and there I paused and within me I got upset and angry. I went about that day and dare not say anything to my hubby till after the wedding. As I did not want any issues during the time of planning our wedding etc. So the day of my marriage not one of those f*cks cared to help me with anything. Not even my father's wife she made a total scene with my dad got wasted and started a commotion.

 

My father's wife in the beginning would say oh let me pay for the cake and buy this and that and blah blah then last minute my father tells me they could not afford it and blah blah blah.....God I really disliked what the did or well leave me to feel like ****. After we had move stateside because hubby is in the military. My so called god sister moved back to the same state we were relocated too. She had lived there earlier on and the timing couldn't have been better.

 

Get this I have been away for less than a year at that time, I have not spoken to anybody in my extended family back home. The people that I got in contact with was my mom and cousin who is stateside and my father who is back home. I was hearing gossip that my so called god sister was talking sh*t about me. My brother who was suppose to live with me was saying "oh yea your god sister said don't live with your sister because she will tell you what to do and something about my husband etc."

 

Damn that pissed me off! I was on the line at one time my brother told me to keep quiet and I heard the b*tch talk **** about me. I have done nothing wrong to her, I have not spoken with her nothing since I left and she's been talking smack about me....what the hell I don't know I haven't spoken to her at all even another cousin of mine doesn't care to speak to me either she ignores when I ask to talk to her so I guess I really done all of them wrong by marrying me husband which is fine with me because I can live without them.....as far as I know there dead to me....all those who have treated me like **** since I made my choice to be with somone other than our race which I find is selfish as they are one minded taboo f*cks!!!!!

[Lennox]

Racism goes both ways as you can see. My family is already integrated with white people so it was no big deal race wise when I married my lilly white hubby. They had more of a problem with the religious differences. His family is ok as far as the immediate family, but his extended family is bunch of meth using hicks that spend most of their time hopping in and out of jail.

 

It's just a part of the bad you both have to deal with along with enjoying the good. Be each other's protectors and enjoy all the differences and nuances that you both bring to the marriage.

 

BTW, which country is your family from? I'll play a guessing game here and take a shot at you being a Filipina.

[Shicoal]

Well I'm from Guam...I'am mix so my ethinicty does have filipino in it along with other stuff. Born and raised on the island but I'm not this foreign type obvious person if you know what I mean. It's just where I am from it's small, isolated and not much to do but to the same old things. Education, jobs, recreation are all limited. I am not like the usual locals I guess you could say I refuse to be the follower of not upholding any obligation family and culture love to put on us chammorro children since the time we were born and being raised here.

 

It may sound bad or offensive to those of my ethinic background but I don't give a hoot as to what others think of me. You either love me or hate either way I refuse to be ummmm dang what's that word I'm thinking off tip of my toungue......ahhhhhh well I'll figure it out, but yes I love me spouse and I'm happy so as for anyone else even my family don't care. I am reserved and private of my life so I don't really get so comfortable with anyone other than my parents and a close cousin of mind.

 

Either way I'm away from the nest and living la vida loca since I left home.....am I selfish...sure am hey I'm not surffering with the problems of others....I filter what I want in my life and out of it....but that's just me:-)

[jerbear]

Shicoal,

 

I like your view on taking a stand. Let me think I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, BBC, CBC, NBC, ABC etc... British Born, Canadian Born, psuedo derogatory terms of classification.

 

Those traditions and social taboos will just have to change. I am glad there are others who are also willing to challenge what I call stupid traditions and taboos.

[Shicoal]

I have my own mindset and I know that there are other's of my ethinicity who also agree with the way I think and feel towards my culture. There are alot of obligations and useless baggage my family especially mother and father who love to beat it in my head about our cultural and family values.

 

There are things I do not agree on and well may take offense to people of my background but I don't give a hoot! It's me and where you come from doesn't matter, I believe it's the person you were born to be and ment to be for that matter. Don't get me wrong I love alot of things about my culture because my reactions of today and and how other's perceive me is how I was raised and I was raised to have respect to anyone. But I was always raised to deal with any situation in life head on and learn to stand alone because no one can't walk the line with you all the time in life. So yes there are things I appreciate, but with other things such as who am I to love and who the person is to make me happy for the rest of my life. I do not listen and care not of what others want for me and what others think I should.

 

My take on life is you make your decision's that will make or break you and being different.....how? I eat, sleep, hurt, cry and bleed the same way any human being does on earth. The only BIG difference is the variety of shape, size and color which goes back to this saying "Variety is the Spice of Life", so I do not see life as one color as one meaning as one blah...blah...blah... but as a world of differences that makes each of us unique!!!! Being married to a caucasian is no difference really......like I said we do all the things the same. I just love his brain because it's so much information that I can feed off and learn from him.....it's one of things that turn me on.....spouse blows my mind.....

[tweldy]

What is a 'race' of people? People with a few common phenotypical characteristics? Genetically I (someone of largely European descent) can be more related to some guy in rural Africa than he is to another person one village away. Are they of the same 'race' and I a different 'race' because of skin pigmentation?

 

Honestly, I don't even believe there are 'races' of people. There are cultures, sure, there are skin pigmentation variations, sure. But races? Please, a typical troop of chimps has more genetic variation that the entire human population of the Earth.

 

I 'racism' is a misnomer for ignorance and bigotry.

[Shicoal]

But that's just the problem alot of people don't think like you and I.......so yes it's always going to be an issue of "race".....

[Pink_Tulip]

I would have to disagree with that. I think it will only ever be an issue if you allow it to. And I am certainly not talking about hate crimes and such, I am talking about relationships within the context of family and friends.

 

From my experience, most people don't care one way or the other. But if you bring people or keep people in your life that are of that minority that race is an issue to them, it will be an issue for you.