Luvnmom Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I am in the middle of a divorce and I meet a guy in the mean time.. The divorce is almost settled ..I hope I am happy with this guy..He has been more of a dad to my 2 kids then their own dad. This guy wants me and the kids to move in with him I have been dating him for 6 months now. I am scared. In my heart I dont feel any doubt but i do feel scared.. I guess my family and friends are thinking I am making a mistake. they dont know him my family lives out of town I guess they see it as i am jumping from one man to another.... I do really like this guy, he is awesome with the kids, he has been there for me alot. His family adores me and the kids as well. My kids are in love with him too.. Their Dad on the other hand has only seen the kids twice since 6 months ago 1 time was when i brought them over for christmas and the other was my daughters b-day for about 2 hours. He is giving a hassle during the divorce saying he wants to pay little child support cause he cant live, because I might move in with this new guy and i will be an hour away. He says he wont be able to see the kids. LIKE HE SEES THEM NOW!! He has all the opportunity to see them I dont know I know what i want to do but everyone keeps telling me to move out on my own and struggle. Let me know what you think? Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 I think you probably ought to wait before moving in. Until the divorce is final and everything settles down. I think that you feel scared the way you do because you ARE rushing in a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
vtmisc Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 From the new guy's point of you. I know the new guy really want to be with you in this difficult time of your life. But there might be times when you under stress might behave in a way which might make the new guy lose faith and confidence in you. If you move in with him, it will also affect your confidence because you would have things very easy and wont have the confidence to start on your own if you have to. I dont think it is fair on the new boyfriend to take the brunt of all your mood swings during this period. He is nice to you but dont take the advantage of him. He deserves you as a "usual you" not a "stressed you". Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 It's normal to be scared hon. Take a breath here. I met my new husband shortly after I separated. I would however advise for you to not move in with him until the divorce is final. That may end up looking bad for you in court if your ex gets any more nasty- and it sounds like he might. It's a scary thing. In the end everything worked out for me but I certainly remember being scared to death. Just take it slow and be on the look out for any red flags. I was emotionally divorced for a long time before I actually left, but you want to make sure you're as healed as possible after all of this and you're not rushing into anything out of pain. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Have you ever lived on your own before? If you're going straight from your ex to a new bf, i would definitely highly recommend you move to a place all on your own! You can move to a place closer to your bf, but I think every woman should live atleast once on her own. It was a very scary experience for me, but also very empowering. I know now, I will never put up with a bad relationship again because of fear of living alone. It's not as scary as I've imagined, and in fact, it is very enjoyable. I dont know if i want to even live with anyone else again in my life now lol I love the solitude and not having to deal with peoples annoyances. If I was you, I'd live by myself for a year. After the year, then maybe I'd move in with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Here's a red flag (or at least a yellow one) for me: ..I hope I am happy with this guy.. Are you or are you not happy with him now? It sounds like you're saying I hope I will be happy . . . in the future. It sounds like you don't know your own mind, which means you need to get that clarified, which will only be possible if you live on your own. Why do you need to move in with someone? Slow it down. It sounds like fear might be running your show, and that's generally not good. Link to post Share on other sites
PSmith Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I agree with the advice so far. Move into a place on your own first. You say the divorce is mostly settled. How settled could it be if your ex is complaining about you moving an hour away? In most divorces the non custodial parent has the power to prevent the custodial parent from moving more than 25 miles away. And six months is not enough of a time to see how your ex will actually be after everything has settled. The first year is always the toughest. He may surprise you and re-establish his role as father after he calms down. Give him that chance. It’d be better for the kids, for you, and even the new guy in your life. I would recommend moving to an apartment right in between your ex and your new guy. About a half hour away from the sound of it. This is enough distance for you to have a feeling of independence, yet give your ex every chance to see his kids, and allow you to see your new guy on a regular basis. If after a year the ex hasn’t seen his kids frequently, and you still want to move in with your BF, it’ll be easier to make the case in court should the ex want to make trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I too am in the middle of my divorce...my ex sounds very much like yours trying to make deals on child support etc. but doing nothing to help his child NOW...I met someone online and we had a LD relationship for a couple months...then I met him in person and 4 months later he moved in with me and my daughter moving 2200 miles. I was on edge just because this guy was walking into my divorce, some financial situations I was working my way out of and some other things..but he's been living with me and my daughter for 7 months now...we are celebrating our 1st year together in April. But here's the clincher I did live alone for almost a year before the new guy came into my life..I think it's a real positive move for a person to make after leaving a marriage or serious relationship. We all need that time to grow and adjust and to fix things about us that might have also been the demise of our previous situation. I say don't move in just yet...give it time...when you can move with NO FEAR at all then it's right..sometimes our family though far away is our eyes to the reality of a situation, pay attention to what they are saying. Even you seem abit leary with moving in. Let the relationship mature some more..you just left a difficult relationship don't put yourself in another one. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I would not do that at all! You need to keep your kiddos in mind and regardless of what an ass their dad may be, he is still their dad. They might see this as a replacement and that is never going to be the case. By not being divorced, you may be committing adultery--in MD it is a felony and my buddy's ex wife lost her high rank in the Fire Department because of them not allowing any felonies. So there may be a new ball of wax opening up there. Your ex hubby will use this against you in the proceedings and may even attempt at gaining custody showing you as unfit to handle the kids solo. Even after it is done, on the times that he visits with the kids he is likely (with that bad blood) to attempt to put them in the middle of your (you and him) fights. You need to sit back--date Mr. Wonderful and let them develop a relationship. Six months is not enough. A doctor told my ex and me (together) when she remarried that it take kids 18 months to adjust from a divorce (she remarried about a year later) and when a new spouse or live in is introduced another 18 months for him to become an authority figure and gain any respect from the kids. Tread very lightly here Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 doctor told my ex and me (together) when she remarried that it take kids 18 months to adjust from a divorce (she remarried about a year later) and when a new spouse or live in is introduced another 18 months for him to become an authority figure and gain any respect from the kids. How would the doctor know that??????? Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 How would the doctor know that??????? I agree...all kids are different there is no way a Doc can say this is how long it will take... But I agree that you have to be going into relationships with a greater respect for your kids wishes...they will tell you what they aren't comfortable with. You also have to let them know that because there's a new guy in the mix doesn't mean that they can't talk, love or respect their dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 I hope I am happy with this guy Red Flag for me too.... think about the kids first, then YOU! Look for your own independence, and not a crutch OR a new dad for the kids. If the new guy can't respect that, then a lesson will be learned about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Strawberrytallcake Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I met someone, moved in and remarried very quickly after FIRST divorce. Imagine that- meeting your soulmate immediately after ending a seven year long marriage. HUGE mistake - many people told me not to do this - but I did not listen. So I went through my second divorce in two years. Take your time. There will be some hang over feelings (post divorce syndrome) that crop up even from the most amicable divorces and dealing with these while in a new relationship piles on the stress. And because you have kids - all the more reason to SLOW DOWN. They are just dealing with the loss of one parent from the household, if it doesn't work out between you and the new guy, they will lose another. I absolutely agree that you should be on your own for a while. You will gain so much from getting to know yourself again. Link to post Share on other sites
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