Why am i the parent and s/o isn't ?

[Sassy]

Why does my s/o keep undoing what i do with our child? Does anyone else have this problem? Now i see where the problem lies and why our daughter won't do what is told. I am the one that always deals with the problems of the children. My s/o wants to be the fun parent and not be hated ,where he wants me to be looked at the ogre . Will my s/o ever see what he is doing to the children by not taking his parental role?

[Sassy]

Guess you all are at a loss as well. Really wish someone could give me some advice on this situation. I feel so alone in this situation.

[Devildog]

You know, my parents had a problem similar to this. Whenever my Mom didn't want to say no and be the bad guy, she would always say "go ask your father" knowing that he would say no. And so my Dad was always the bad guy.

 

Until one day he got tired of being the bad guy. So my younger brother asked about going away for the weekend with his then GF. My brother was a senior in HS at the time. My Mom did the usual "go ask your father" routine. And my Dad said "sure, I don't have a problem with it. Have a good time!"

 

Needless to say, my Mom never used the "go ask your father" routine again.

 

Not sure if my little trip down memory lane helps you much. I don't know how old your daughter is, and at a younger age this technique isn't advisable. Young kids do need structure and some sense of discipline, so two fun parents and no tough parent is not good.

[Sassy]

Thanks Devildog and totally agree with you on this. We are in counseling for this type of thing so guess Friday i will ask the counselor what i can do. I am so frustrated with my s/o not being a parent i don't know what to do. My daughter knows she isn't suppose to do something or have something and she will say well dad said i could. I wish my s/o would grow up and take his parental role and quit being a friend.

[Pink_Tulip]

Will my s/o ever see what he is doing to the children by not taking his parental role?

 

Not unless you tell him and are VERY clear what your issue is, what you need him to do to help, and how you feel he is undermining you. You didn't give very much info, but it may be he simply doesn't know you feel this way, and it is easier for him to be 'fun dad' than disciplinarian dad. A lot of men would rather be the fun dad, especially when they work and mom stays home, they don't want their time with the kids to be in any way negative b/c they get less time than mom. If that is the case, I'd say you probably have a great husband and a great father for your daughter, whose ideas about discipline and such are simply misguided.

 

If he completely understands how you feel but either doesn't care or doesn't see a problem, then it is a good thing you are already in counselling, b/c that would be a much bigger issue.

[magda]

One tip is to never have "discussions" (or arguments) in front of your daughter with regards to punishment. When the need arises, go into another room and discuss the punishment or the course of action and agree upon a solution in private. Then you go back and present a united front. If you say something is not okay and your husband says it is okay this undermines your authority as a parent and your husband should be aware of this.

 

But you can't completely mesh your parenting styles. You have to find common ground on the fundamental routines or principles and allow yourselves to use different methods. This allows him to be the friendly type so long as he follows the guidelines and does not let her have candy instead of dinner, jump on the couch, or whatever, etc.

 

So definitely talk about "rules" and make a policy for talking about decisions as new situations arise.