CrashIntoMe Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents as a child, and I promised myself i'd never do the same. My boyfriend and I have gone through some bad times, he's cheated on me and flirted/called other girls in front of me on numerous occassions. Whenever I try to talk about it with him, he either gets angry and yells or refuses to talk, and a few months back this caused a huge fight and he said some nasty things and I slapped him in the face. I have been feeling terribly guilty about this, and wanted to know if I would be considered abusive. He forgives me and it hasn't happened since, and I couldn't hurt him if I wanted to, but that doesn't mean i'm not abusive for doing it. Please tell me what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 No you are not abusive if there is only this one incident of physical violence. To be considered an abuser you would have to have a pattern of repeated abusive acts against your partner. Abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, mental or just about any-al that you can think of. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 interesting.......... It would seem as though your bf is actually emotionally abusive to you, yet you feel guilty (granted you should not have slapped him) about a slap in the face. Could it be you are sticking with the devil you know? Allowing yourself to be emotionally abused and disrespected by him because it is a normal to you because of your childhood? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 You definitely seem to have gotten yourself into an unhealthy relationship. You need to both be able to talk and express yourselves without it getting out of hand. Since it takes 2 to tango, and you're staying in a relationship where the guy is behaving incredibly badly (most of us would have been out the door long ago), you're responsible for at least part of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 interesting.......... It would seem as though your bf is actually emotionally abusive to you, yet you feel guilty (granted you should not have slapped him) about a slap in the face. Could it be you are sticking with the devil you know? Allowing yourself to be emotionally abused and disrespected by him because it is a normal to you because of your childhood? Precisely! I grew up in a home similar to yours. I have been concerned about becoming abusive as well. But I seemed to attract relationships that were verbally abusive to the point where I once slapped a guy out of sheer frustration, and it scared me into asking the same question you have. I think he's triggering your rage at your past abuse because something about the way he's treating you is similar to what you suffered as a child. Here's thousands of $$ of therapy I pass onto you: We keep getting into abusive relationships because we're trying to resolve what was wrong with our childhood. In an effort to survive, we became strong, independent, and feel a need to control our environment as much as possible in order to feel some sense of safety. But underneath this strength that got us through there is still a little hurt child longing to be loved. But she doesn't know love that's not abusive, so she gets into abusive relationships hoping to be loved, excusing behavior ordinary people would never tolerate, then tries to fix it as an effort to work out old issues with parents. You can't fix this relationship. He has betrayed you just like your parents did. For your sake, please leave ASAP. You're caught in a cycle of abuse that you need to get out of. A part of you knows you don't deserve this. Another part of you probably thinks somehow you must. Listen to the part that's trying to tell you you deserve to be loved, not betrayed or abandoned or deliberately mistreated. It's the truth. The other part was formed out of the lies you learned as part of the abuse you suffered. Get to a good therapist who specializes in helping child abuse survivors because we're tricky cases. Save yourself years of pain in not learning the demonic dance we do to ourselves as a result of what we learned as children. It'll be the best $$ you ever spend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrashIntoMe Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Thank you so much to everyone who replied, especially Becoming, your post made me cry. You guys have helped alot. Leaving him would be extremely hard for me, though... Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Leaving him would be extremely hard for me, though... I know. Because that part of you that just wants to be loved is still hoping because he does give you some good things, right? There's just so much more that you can have, but not if you choose to stay in this relationship if he's going to continue his emotional and physical abuse. But you have the power to choose. Choose life for yourself. You may find this current thread helpful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83238/ Keep reading--it ends up where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 What would you say to a friend, a sister, or other family member that was in your shoes right now? Say those things to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
zestygal Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 can sumone share with me,,,,,,,,wat r they,as me in new relationship but soo confused,,dont know whom to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 25, 2006 Share Posted March 25, 2006 another thing thats really hard to do after being used to being in abusive relationships...after growing up as an abused child (for me it was emotional abuse from my father...for as long as I can remember until I cut off all ties with him 2 years ago) is finding a different type of guy!! I kept becoming attracted to those guys who seemed nice but were all kinds of screwed up...and I put up with a whole lot...just for what becoming was saying...to try to get that little bit of love out of them and to try to change em. By advice for future relationships is try the nice guy who your not really attracted to to begin with. Go past those first 2 dates and see what happens...you may find yourself plesantly suprised:) Link to post Share on other sites
roxyg Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 This thread could not be more eye opening! Becoming, your advice is wonderfully worded! I could not think of anything better than what you said. Thank you so much! Crashintome, I believe I'm in a similar situation as you. I feel the need to stay with this person because, I think that perhaps we will get better, we will be stronger some day, just not right now. But, really, it's not a stable relationship, definately one lacking trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Bleeding heart Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 NO!! you are not abusive at ALL! my boyfriend put me in hospital 2months ago! he beat my head and knocked me unconscious with tore lots off flesh from my head with i had to have stitches for,,,, try telling your parents that you .... (fell) ahem.... i cant get away because hell come after me!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
frischi Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 Becoming said the following: "There's just so much more that you can have, but not if you choose to stay in this relationship if he's going to continue his emotional and physical abuse." Where in her post does she say that he was physically abusive? I missed that part. Be sure of what your saying before you post. Don't be afraid to walk. You may think it will be hard, but in the end you will be better for it. "Becoming" has alot of good advice and heed that advice. I was abused physically and emotionally for 15 years as a child and the only way to get away is to "get away". Stand up with your head high and walk away and don't look back. The fact that your questioning the abuse and whether you abusive yourself is a clear reason to get out now and not wait. Link to post Share on other sites
journalstar4 Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 He broke up with me on April 4th and since then has not called me. I did called him on three occasions last wekk very drunk I don't even know what I was saying exactly. I told him it would be different, he just say '' You're drunk again" and hang up. Now I'm not really an alcoholic, I only would drink twice a year (hardly anything), but ever since he left me, I been going so crazy. Ok, I stopped drinking, yes do relaize I have a problem, last week I was in a friend's house and with my other friends too. And well I got mad at one of her neighbors and throw the bottle of wine at their window, smashing it all to pieces. Yes, I still have to pay for the damage, it could have injure someone, man, what on earth was I thinking. I just called him yesterday, I told him I would get help, do like anything, if he just give me one last chance and he's say he doesn't know. Missing him, want him back so badly. That day was the third I went on him again causing a nose bleed, not that I meant to, got so frustrated. Lots of things on my mind, failing two math classes, forgetting to pay a bill, one of my relatives getting ill, but on top of that, I keep my that bastard of my old man and those mean words. Ok so I was never actually physical abuse, no one ever lay a hand on me, but his words over the years kill me, so did that horrible stare and getting isolated in a room whenever he felt I did nothing right, or humiliation in front of friends. I hate him so badly if I saw my old man again, I would struck him. Plrease helllllppppp ayone, want himback, he's special, my love, if he could have give it one last try, I promise it'll be different this time. Link to post Share on other sites
suga Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 You admittedly abuse him because of all the other stress in your life...your past...I have a hard time with this...I cant understand how someone would take all that out on people who do not deserve it...I have worked with strippers as a stripper myself...I hear these girls say things like they have been sexually abused therefor they are forced to be this way...I cant see how that makes sense to grown people...I think it is like a black hole of guilt to excuse yourself from every wrong you ever do...and I was raped by my moms friend at 14 whom she was secretly screwing and also beat multiple times a week for years by my husband...I just cant imagine feeding people that line of BS when I f*** up my life or theirs...sorry mabey you can help me understand this. Link to post Share on other sites
suga Posted April 30, 2006 Share Posted April 30, 2006 NO!! you are not abusive at ALL! my boyfriend put me in hospital 2months ago! he beat my head and knocked me unconscious with tore lots off flesh from my head with i had to have stitches for,,,, try telling your parents that you .... (fell) ahem.... i cant get away because hell come after me!!!! First of all just because your man busted your head open does not mean that anything less is not abusive...I am not saying that slapping him in the face one time is going to damage this guy for life because it wont...its not right though and you should not have done it but does not mean you are abusive...you most certainly could hurt him if you wanted to...beating him in the head with a brick would hurt him and you even have the power to kill him if you lose your head that much...if you are worried then you can go to anger management programs... Bleeding heart it is hard to get out of an abusive relationship...mainly because of the mental abuse...you are isolated from everyone...people are mad at you for staying with him (fair weather friends dumped you because of the drama) other friends just cant take it and will talk to you again when you leave him...he makes you look bad to his friends and everyone...then you say things like you cant leave because you are scared...arent you more scared of staying?...My husband tried to murder me...I have stayed left and gone back too many times to remember...all based on putting him first and fealing so worthless about myself that only he mattered...yes I got beat when I tried to leave and that is when he tried to kill me for trying to leave the first time...then I did leave later that week...there are ways to get out...esspecially since he is a threat to your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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