lindya Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 That's true but for me it was the phrase "you're so sensitive" that kept me trying to rationalize all of the comments. I didn't dare tell anyone because I believed what he was saying was fine, it was me with the issue and I was being too sensitive. I just thought he was being honest and I thought it was my fault that I would cry when he said these things to me. Once it ended and I started to tell people some of the things that he said to me and I saw the look of shock on their faces, I started to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. He was a mental health professional, so there would understandably be a little voice inside you saying "this guy knows what he's talking about. If he says I'm too sensitive, I'm too sensitive." I've often got the same comments from people about being overly sensitive. Whilst the relationship with my ex didn't work out in the end, I did learn a lot about how to express your needs and feelings in a way that won't provoke a "your too sensitive" response. eg sometimes he would say something incredibly insensitive, and I'd know straight off that if I responded in a hurt way he would do the wide eyed "Oh my God - sorry babe, I'm such a ****"...a narration that put us both straight into our respective roles. The bastard and the martyr. So instead, I'd invite him outside the situation...to look in on it as if we were discussing two characters in a film or a book rather than ourselves. "He said that to her, what do you think she's feeling right now." He could relate to characters in books and films in a way that he just couldn't seem to do with real life people...so the moment I did that, a look of realisation would dawn over him. He'd get the message that what he'd said was insensitive, without me having to do the emotional martyr thing. I actually think that really pissed him off though. That, and the fact that I used to always beat him at chess. "You don't provide me with the intellectual stimulation I need...." Pah! PS - bloody hell a4a, this thread has turned into quite the therapy session. Well done! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I know that twisting. Makes you feel like a pretzel, trying to understand what is so wrong with you, that you react to him just being a regular person like that. And I get trapped in trying to make someone understand how I feel, when I know they can't /won't Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 As always, you are right lindya. It feels kind of strange to talk about our relationship as I haven't done it in a long time. He could relate to characters in books and films in a way that he just couldn't seem to do with real life people...so the moment I did that, a look of realisation would dawn over him. He'd get the message that what he'd said was insensitive, without me having to do the emotional martyr thing. I think it's because Narcissists are sadly the least self aware people to grace our world. I never used any of these tecnhiques with him, I just took it all in. It was a sadomasochistic relationship. I actually think that really pissed him off though. That, and the fact that I used to always beat him at chess. "You don't provide me with the intellectual stimulation I need...." We were on completely different intellectual planes. I promised myself I would only date smart men from there on out. And I did and the relationships were far better. We got each other. The N and I never got each other. PS - bloody hell a4a, this thread has turned into quite the therapy session. Well done! Do we need to submit payment? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Boundaries are always going to be crossed in relationships at some point. After all, a relationship is a dynamic thing where needs and expectations are constantly being reviewed. There are your flexible "I'm not overly comfortable with that, but I can live with it" boundaries that require open lines of communication and negotiation. Then there are the "I know I'll never be happy with someone who behaves like this" boundaries that are pretty clear cut. It's a bit of a task figuring out which is which sometimes. Excellent way of putting it, Lindya! And KC, I had a modicum of self-esteem like a4a despite my childhood abuse, too. What did me in and made me question myself was being married to a passive-agressive man. If you haven't read Scott Wentz's book The Passive Agressive Man, I highly recommend it. Nothing will make you crazier than these good, "well-intentioned" folks. Once I understood the pattern and started working with it, though, it made all the difference. I had my power and self-confidence back. I dunno if this applies in your situation, but it sounds like it might . . . Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 What's that smell? Smells like catharsis in here. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 thank you becoming for your advice. I don't really think about him much these days and I don't really need to explore any more about him. I know the kind of person he was and the kind of person I was before, after and now. I'm trying to focus on picking up the pieces in my life and restore my self-esteem to where it was before I met him. What's that smell? Smells like catharsis in here. Yeah, this was cathartic, for me at least. Thanks guys, I feel a bit better. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 What's that smell? That's my Emo Queen Spirit. Smells like catharsis in here. I might eat some chocolate to celebrate... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Interesting proposition as I head off for lunch! Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Do we need to submit payment? Yes payment in the form of: you performing one totally off the wall (but legal) action...such as:Skip down your office hallway in front of your coworkers. Go outside and dance in a puddle. Do something fun and care freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ...... life is short...start livin' it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I suppose taking a flying leap face-first into the carpet with your arms full of files doesn't count. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 I suppose taking a flying leap face-first into the carpet with your arms full of files doesn't count. No. Self inflicted carpet burns on your face is not on the list. Now you can stick two # 2 pencil up your nose sit at your desk and hum the theme to the Brady Bunch. That would be off the wall and the BB theme is more on the cheery side. carpet munching is acceptable, carpet skating is not Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I suppose taking a flying leap face-first into the carpet with your arms full of files doesn't count. I initially read that as "...taking a flying leap face-first into the carpet with your arms full of flies" That would cause a stir in the office, I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I initially read that as "...taking a flying leap face-first into the carpet with your arms full of flies" That would cause a stir in the office, I'm sure. "I'm POSSESSED! Call a priest! Workman's Comp!" Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I initially read that as "...taking a flying leap face-first into the carpet with your arms full of flies" That would cause a stir in the office, I'm sure. :lmao: That's what I read at first, too! :lmao: I thought, "What the he!! does she do that she has an arm full of flies?" :confused: Beelzebub's assistant? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Yes payment in the form of: you performing one totally off the wall (but legal) action... Surprisingly, I'm actually a bit of a clown. Despite a handfull of people, nobody would ever suspect that I'm Kitten Chick IRL. Maybe that's why I blather on so much here. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Oh jeez, I just realized that I have to go to therapy tonight. I feel like I've had enough therapy today. Link to post Share on other sites
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