4 Years.. Take Girlfriend back after cheating?

[yawhatever]

I have been dating a girl for four years now, im 22, and I have been seeing her since I was 17, she is my only true long term girlfriend. We had our ups and downs, the good and the bad, she says we fight alot, we probably break up for a week or two every six months I'd say. The last time we fought was over the fact that she dosn't want to really be with me forever, she dosn't like my family, she thinks I might treat her bad, she dosn't accept my religion (which by the way I don't really follow to begin with), she dosn't want to accept now that I come from a different country also. Anyways I thought I had it so we stopped talking for a week and I said I dont want to be with her right now. The next week I called on her and she started crying that I came to see her, we both cried and talked and she just kept giving me these clues that she wishes things could be different, at the time I didn't know what to think of that comment, I was thinking that she just wishes we didn't fight so much. Anyways I started seeing her more & more again and things were going great, we were both happy and having fun but she still would not want to go back with me, she did but then she didn't, I suspected alot of confusion on her behalf. Then she started telling me how shes not innocent, and a month later I finally got her to admit it that in that week that we were not talking she slept with someone else because she felt like ****. After she told me that I tried to stay calm and took her home, didnt want nothing to do with her, but now shes always around trying to talk to me, be with me and now she says she will do whatever I want her to do. I said ok, lets have sex because I think it will help the situation and so on. I dont know what to do in terms of long term, take her back or just have sex with her. Its hard getting past this because the image is so fresh in my mind, after 4 years I didn't picture anyone else having sex with her, I dont really know much details but I know there was no oral from what she told me, just normal sex using a condom and some making out. Oh and according to her its not cheating because we were not together, on a break because I told her at the time I didn't want to see her if she dosn't see us being together in the long run. I'm more traditional in a sense, more comitted and would never cheat on her b/c of the way I felt about her & thought we had something specail I didn't want to ruin. Can a person like this be trusted again? Whats the proper approach to make sure it dosn't happen again? Is it even worth it, after all we've been through I thought I knew her enough that she wouldn' t cheat and she always made it clear that If i cheat its over... Would sleeping with someone else and going back to her help in this situation? Plz Help

[loveheart59]

In a weird way its better she did it when you wern't talkin than when you were. Shes obviously made attacks on your colour and religion because she felt guilty and wanted you to dump her or go off her:( . The best thing about it is she feels remorse which means thats their is grounds to make it up, plus she did this after 4 years of being monogamous, quite a lot of people end up sleeping with someone else when they are "on a break".

 

Im sorry but the image of her sleeing with someone else wont go away, it will fade over time if you decide to forgive her. But if you dont you will just twist yourself up in knots. Because you have had a wake up call if you do get back together you need to sit up all night and TALK. You need to talk about the flaws in your relationship even b4 she did what she did, because the state of it was probably a contributing factor when she cheated.

[Cecelius]

I replied to your other thread. One question to ask though: were you intimate with her after you got back together with her before she revealed this stuff?

[RecordProducer]

You were separated. YOU initiated the break (which I see as a break-up) and she felt free to do whatever she wanted. You told her you didn't want to see her. I mean, when we break up with someone, for how long should we not speak to each other so that the ending becomes valid?

 

Of course, if I got mad at my husband today, told him I would divorce him, went out, had sex with someone then reconciled with my husband - it'd be cheating. But for example, my ex-husband would leave me and I would bring him back after a few days or weeks. During our last break-up, we were separated for a couple months or so. Every time he'd pack his bags he would tell me that it's forever, yet every time I thought we'd get back together. During the last separation, I slept with another man. For a long time after that I felt like crap, I felt like I cheated. But I actually didn't, because he left me (and our one-year old twin sons) and didn't intend to come back until I made him (more like begged him).

 

Perhaps she wanted to show you how it feels when you break-up with her. It feels like it's over and she needs to move on. You've been using emotional blackmail like "If things are not my way, you won't have me." NO BREAK IS JUST A BREAK! They all bring a lot of pain, humiliation, and anger. Did you tell her: "Look honey, let's not see each other for a week so we can cool off our heads; we'll meet up next Friday and talk, do you agree?"

 

I don't think so. You just told her you didn't want to see her if she doesn't want to be with you forever. That meant you didn't want to see her ANYMORE. You can't break up with a girl and keep her around. Make up your mind between those two options.

 

She didn't cheat on you. Plus she came clean about what happened and regrets it. Your plans to use her for sex are vicious and hurtful. I have a feeling that you won't tell her that you're using her just for sex in case you decide to do so.

 

Finally, I suspect that the reason why she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you has more to do with your character than with your religion, parents or nationality.

[Tell you how it is]

Wow, where do I begin? Wake up man! You need to realize that she's just using you to feel secure. And I really think that you're not letting her go because you're insecure. Get over these insecurity issues that you have with yourself! If she's not willing to accept you for who you are (culturally, religiously, etc.), then you should move on immediately. You're still pretty young, and if you're in school, you have a lot of other GREAT opportunities out there. You should not have to put up with her childish behavior. You're acting a little wussy and it's going to show whenever you're around her. Girls do not like wusses. I would have told you to use her for sex until you find someone new, but I really think that you'll be drawn to her more if you do...so no sex with her! LET IT GO!

 

 

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I have been dating a girl for four years now, im 22, and I have been seeing her since I was 17, she is my only true long term girlfriend. We had our ups and downs, the good and the bad, she says we fight alot, we probably break up for a week or two every six months I'd say. The last time we fought was over the fact that she dosn't want to really be with me forever, she dosn't like my family, she thinks I might treat her bad, she dosn't accept my religion (which by the way I don't really follow to begin with), she dosn't want to accept now that I come from a different country also. Anyways I thought I had it so we stopped talking for a week and I said I dont want to be with her right now. The next week I called on her and she started crying that I came to see her, we both cried and talked and she just kept giving me these clues that she wishes things could be different, at the time I didn't know what to think of that comment, I was thinking that she just wishes we didn't fight so much. Anyways I started seeing her more & more again and things were going great, we were both happy and having fun but she still would not want to go back with me, she did but then she didn't, I suspected alot of confusion on her behalf. Then she started telling me how shes not innocent, and a month later I finally got her to admit it that in that week that we were not talking she slept with someone else because she felt like ****. After she told me that I tried to stay calm and took her home, didnt want nothing to do with her, but now shes always around trying to talk to me, be with me and now she says she will do whatever I want her to do. I said ok, lets have sex because I think it will help the situation and so on. I dont know what to do in terms of long term, take her back or just have sex with her. Its hard getting past this because the image is so fresh in my mind, after 4 years I didn't picture anyone else having sex with her, I dont really know much details but I know there was no oral from what she told me, just normal sex using a condom and some making out. Oh and according to her its not cheating because we were not together, on a break because I told her at the time I didn't want to see her if she dosn't see us being together in the long run. I'm more traditional in a sense, more comitted and would never cheat on her b/c of the way I felt about her & thought we had something specail I didn't want to ruin. Can a person like this be trusted again? Whats the proper approach to make sure it dosn't happen again? Is it even worth it, after all we've been through I thought I knew her enough that she wouldn' t cheat and she always made it clear that If i cheat its over... Would sleeping with someone else and going back to her help in this situation? Plz Help

[yawhatever]

I replied to your other thread. One question to ask though: were you intimate with her after you got back together with her before she revealed this stuff?

 

I was not, we made out, slept together, were naked together, touched but no sex, I didn't feel comfortable yet and she didn't want to either. I don't know if having sex will help this situation at all...

[yawhatever]

Did you tell her: "Look honey, let's not see each other for a week so we can cool off our heads; we'll meet up next Friday and talk, do you agree?"

Saying what I said somehow triggered that she must go out and have sex with someone else, to make sure the bridge between us is broken. I do not feel that this is good wife material, do you?

 

 

She didn't cheat on you.

When I told her I don't want to see her it is because I was mad, and she knew this, anyone would after four years, we have done this before. This time she had a fling for this guy, and felt weak and voulnerable. Did I mention I cought her with him before in her car and I flipped out? Yeah but she assured me nothing happened and nothing every would.. This is cheating esepcially within a few days I think, maybe a month later or something but no, it only took a few days. And why did it have to lead to sex? There is nothing worse than the thought of your gf being degraded sexually by another man, through my eyes she has degradged herself and caused me much physological demage. In my mind I have this unerasable image of her being with this other guy performing sex.. this is not a good sing of intimacy and for this reason I feel she has lowered value for me in this sense. I couldn't ever do that, to anyone, I would see this coming a mile away.. to allow herself to do this knowing in her mind she will regret it and that its wrong is beyond me. The way I see it, she had a fling and found the oppertunity to have sex. What happens when we fight or break up next time? I do not expect my gf to cheat on me if we break up for a week or two again... this is just not my style of a commited relationship. I cannot cheat on her, I just couldn't and if I did it would just make her think its alrite to do this, then our relationship would be ruined for sure.

 

Finally, I suspect that the reason why she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you has more to do with your character than with your religion, parents or nationality.

We have fought over this alot, over my family not liking her, they aren't very welcoming people and its not like they specifically dislike her. This is how my family is, also about who I am and where I come from, she said I made her into a racist now, and my religion and background, she refueses to accept my traditions and if we did raise kids together, they would have to go to a non-catholic school and only speak english (Sounds a bit like hitler to me). I feel my kids deserve the right to learn about the background they come from etc.. and the traditions, and religions associated with it.

[Spectre]

You were separated. YOU initiated the break (which I see as a break-up) and she felt free to do whatever she wanted. You told her you didn't want to see her. I mean, when we break up with someone, for how long should we not speak to each other so that the ending becomes valid?

 

Of course, if I got mad at my husband today, told him I would divorce him, went out, had sex with someone then reconciled with my husband - it'd be cheating. But for example, my ex-husband would leave me and I would bring him back after a few days or weeks. During our last break-up, we were separated for a couple months or so. Every time he'd pack his bags he would tell me that it's forever, yet every time I thought we'd get back together. During the last separation, I slept with another man. For a long time after that I felt like crap, I felt like I cheated. But I actually didn't, because he left me (and our one-year old twin sons) and didn't intend to come back until I made him (more like begged him).

 

Perhaps she wanted to show you how it feels when you break-up with her. It feels like it's over and she needs to move on. You've been using emotional blackmail like "If things are not my way, you won't have me." NO BREAK IS JUST A BREAK! They all bring a lot of pain, humiliation, and anger. Did you tell her: "Look honey, let's not see each other for a week so we can cool off our heads; we'll meet up next Friday and talk, do you agree?"

 

I don't think so. You just told her you didn't want to see her if she doesn't want to be with you forever. That meant you didn't want to see her ANYMORE. You can't break up with a girl and keep her around. Make up your mind between those two options.

 

She didn't cheat on you. Plus she came clean about what happened and regrets it. Your plans to use her for sex are vicious and hurtful. I have a feeling that you won't tell her that you're using her just for sex in case you decide to do so.

 

Finally, I suspect that the reason why she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you has more to do with your character than with your religion, parents or nationality.

 

 

Most of this would make sense..if they were broken up for longer than week. Say several weeks/months would make sense. Either way you spin it, its bad. Either she cheated, or couldnt wait 7 days after the break up before jumping on top of another man, and after a 4 year relationship? sorry, thats not acceptable by any means. Either scenario is a sign that this chick isn't good for this guy.

 

The OP is right, this girl isnt wife-long term girlfriend material. She basically threw the 4 year relationship in his face by doing it. Your analogy about your husband doesnt make sense, you say you didnt cheat on him because he left and only came back because you begged him to, which begs the question why sleep with someone else if youre gonna go back to someone you have to "beg" to take you back? doesnt make sense but oh well that isn't the topic

[Spectre]

Also my advice to the OP is no, dont take your girlfriend back. She got around the "cheating" label on a technicality. You absolutely do not sleep with someone else a couple days after the "end" of a 4 year relationship , especially since the OP says they have a history of having "break ups" i.e. fights that end with the phrase "its over" or something like it being said in anger. I bet if you pointed out that fact to her she'd say something like "this time I thought it was different" which means she was taking advantage of your little fight as a chance to jump into bed, she probably knew you didnt truly mean it, but took it as an opportunity to make herself look less skanky, which didnt work.

 

Drop her

[yawhatever]

That I shall, I definetly agree with that, there is no excuse for cheating after many of our fights end up in angry words that usually sound like its over which it is not. I will have sex with her, I will talk to her tonight, and then stop communications for 3 days, then tell her its over.

[shell1162]

hi, reading ur post sounds like ur a bit mixed up ur self, u caused the break up, its hard when u break up with people, i feel a bit for ur g/f as one minute ur saying i dont want u then u do, its like confusing, just imagine her feeling like sh** u dump her so she feels unwanted so whats the next best thing to sleep with someone else for attention or that feeling of being wanted, i dont nessaserrily agree with sleeping with someone to feel secure but we all have ways of dealing with things, i think u should let her be happy without u. as by the sound of it u want to have ur cake and eat it

[yawhatever]

I think you didn't read well enough, we broke up a few times like this and never did I feel that I need to sleep with someone and neitehr did she, I mean I can't say she never felt like it but she never did. After this many break ups that usually end with "its over" and then we end up being back togther in two weeks its very unlikely that she thought it was over this time.. Investigating this more makes me thing she had a fling, was sneaky and acted upon her urges in away that I can't take it against her, but I can & will.

[InCaLi]

Im sorry for what happened2u. I cant imagine how u must feel. But I assure u that sleeping woth another girl will only make things worst. I think u should just forget about this girl (as hard and painful as it may seem) and try to move on. If she hurt you once, she can do it again. And people may say that she didnt cheat b/c u technically werent together at the time, but then again, u didnt abuse of your "time-off" to sleep with another girl, did u? No, u didnt. B/c u cared about her. She obviously wasnt thinking about u when she cheated on u. And thats exactly what it was. Cheating. B/c of ur on-again, off-again relationship, she had to have known that u were going to get back together. But she slept with someone else anyways. And it doesnt matter if it wasnt oral. Sex is sex. Cheating is cheating. Now, I understand that you think that she is sorry for what she did. She probably is. But I dont think its a good idea for you to get back together with her, or to even sleep with her for that matter. The closer u guys get, the harder it will be for u to accept that u need to be apart and let her go. And thats what u need to do. I know youve been with her since u were 17. U can get really atttached to someone being together for that long. But she isnt in love with you. She might love u and care about you, and thats why she says she wants to get back together with you. But thats only b/c u guys were so close and together for such a long time that she misses u whenever youre apart. Thats normal. Girls get attached easily and they dont like having to let go of someone they care about. But she is not in love with u. U need to let her go and find someone who will love u and be in love with u. Someone who will love u so much, that she would never do anything to hurt u. This girl doesnt deserve a great guy like u.

 

-Mel in CALI

[yawhatever]

Spectre I will take your advice, thanks.

[yawhatever]

Last night I wrapped it up, decided its not a good idea to get back together, made her feel bad by telling her all those things discussed here, we did not have sex and I just went home afterwards and I will not be seeing her and or calling her no more. Thanks for the advice you guys.

[catgirl1927]

Last night I wrapped it up, decided its not a good idea to get back together, made her feel bad by telling her all those things discussed here, we did not have sex and I just went home afterwards and I will not be seeing her and or calling her no more. Thanks for the advice you guys.

 

I'm glad this is what happened. I think you'll feel better about the way you handled it in the long run. I'm so sorry you got hurt, but you're very young and you'll be fine.