Feel like I sold out

[luvtoto]

I know a couple who is going through the process of separation/divorce. I haven't heard from them in about a year. Yesterday, the wife (former bestfriend) calls me to tell me what's going on and wants to tell me how she feels and needs some support. In the process, she just verbally bashes her husband to me. I, however, know him very well and he's a great guy! I never respected how she treated her husband. She treated him worse than anything!! I am glad that he has finally developed a backbone and is standing up to her. I mean, sure he is being an ass now...after a decade of BS from her!! I see right through her excuses.

 

My friend wants to reconcile our friendship while she is going through this divorce. She told me that she is suffering from depression and needs help and she feels very lonely.

 

I found myself, yesterday, agreeing with her about her husband to make her feel better. Today, I feel like I sold-out.

 

I want to tell her how I *really* feel, but how? She's already at the end of her rope as it is.

[Becoming]

You did kinda sell out, huh.

 

Sometimes the best thing we can do for another person is tell the truth as we see it in love. She may be hurt, but it'll do her more good than sympathy that just keeps her in her destructive patterns.

 

I think you can tell her next time you see her that you feel bad for having spoken badly about her x because actually what you saw . . . . You'll word it tactfully, etc. But do tell her. Honest feedback is one of the most helpful gifts we give to one another and one of the reasons why we come to LS.

[bluechocolate]

Do you want to rekindle this friendship? If not, then don't. If you do, then it is possible to be a sounding board for her without having to agree. If it makes you very uncomfortable then tell her that.

 

"Look, X is my friend too & it makes me uncomfortable to hear you bad mouth him like this. I'd be happy to talk about your feelings but I don't want to have to talk about X in this way."

No need to defend him or to criticise her. Regardless of what you know, or think you know, about what went on in their relationship there is always more than we can't be privy too.

[luvtoto]

No, I don't really want to rekindle this friendship to be honest. However, years ago she helped me out when I was suffering from a bad bout of depression, kinda like what she is going through now. I feel a sense of obligation to help her in her time of need.

 

I mean...50,000 strings where attached with her help at the time, but...

[bluechocolate]

No, I don't really want to rekindle this friendship to be honest.

 

Then I would strongly recommend that you don't.

 

I feel a sense of obligation to help her in her time of need.

 

That is very noble of you. But if your sense of obligation isn't joined with a sense of love of friendship for the woman then you're turning yourself into nothing more than an unpaid counselor. You'll resent it, & pretty quick too, I'd wager.

[luvtoto]

No, I don't really want to rekindle this friendship to be honest.

 

Then I would strongly recommend that you don't.

 

I feel a sense of obligation to help her in her time of need.

 

That is very noble of you. But if your sense of obligation isn't joined with a sense of love of friendship for the woman then you're turning yourself into nothing more than an unpaid counselor. You'll resent it, & pretty quick too, I'd wager.

 

Exactly, BC and thanks, also Becoming.

 

I think I'm already resenting it. When my kids and I stayed at her house for a couple months...she accused my daughter of stealing from her daughter. Later, to find out that the object in question was behind her daughter's dresser. No apology either. When I started working at my new job three years ago, she called up my new supervisor and gave her an earfull about me. That was not cool. My supervisor told me that she is not the friend I think she is. Whenever I tried to make friends with people...she would always bad talk me to them. She borrowed my digital camera for 6 months and I had to drive up to her house 1 hour away to get it...she lost an expensive cord that was found later. She asked to borrow it again a few months later, and I flat out told her no. We never spoke again until now.

 

My head is telling me to stay the hell away from this woman...my compassion is telling me to help her!! Ugh! I am taking both of your advice to heart, but am still torn. I know what it is like to be lonely and desperate.

[bluechocolate]

She will treat your support the way she treated your camera. Use it & when it's no longer needed, forget about it. Listen to your head.

[cal gal]

I recommend you do what I asked my/our friends to do when we (after 20 years) decided we would no longer be married.

 

When anyone had a conversation with either one of us, we told them not to talk badly about the other spouse. Also, that they were allowed to continue and to feel encouraged about staying friends with both of us.

 

If you set some guidleines it may be easier to stay friends. Nobody enjoys hearing nasty condescending things about someone they care about, that is the bottom line.

 

If you can't be positive and happy about your friendship after that, then let it go....

[luvtoto]

Sometimes, I think I am just too damn compassionate for my own good. Just seems to get me into trouble or into situations that are not healthy for me.

[Becoming]

Sometimes, I think I am just too damn compassionate for my own good. Just seems to get me into trouble or into situations that are not healthy for me.

 

In my earlier post I didn't pick up on the fact that you really don't WANT to be friends with her.

 

Then BC is absolutely right: DON'T BE. Folks who are manipulative play those of us who are compassionate and wear us out. Think of your compassion as being a stewardship you're accountable for. You wouldn't give away a lot of money to a known druggie after he'd taken your car, all the money he said was for food but which was really for drugs, etc. Your compassion is valuable and needs to be there for people who truly deserve it--not those who behave badly and expect everyone to take care of them.

 

Get the book Boundaries. That book really helped me with this problem. Sometimes when we help those who want it, all we're doing is ensuring that they can continue to avoid responsibility for their own lives and bad behavior that hurts others and ultimately themselves.

 

Do her a favor: cut her out of your life and make her have to start dealing with her own s***. You are not a compost pile.

[luvtoto]

Thanks everyone for your replies; hit-the-nail-on-the-head advice once again.

 

However, she called me at work today, and told me she has been having severe panic attacks. She needs someone to drive her to the hospital in a few days. (mental hospital) She asked if I could take her, because she has no other friends that she trusts other than me. I live an hour away from her and she doesn't want anyone in her town to find out.

 

She's asks: Can you drive me to the hospital, please? Me? I say: Sure, of course I will. *sigh*

 

I will give her a chance. I am just too damn nice. I've been in her shoes before and this is not the time to bring up our dirty laundry. This time around, I am not going to take her disrespect, but, we are going to have the talk when she gets healthier. I am a bit curious to find out if she'll change or take some responsibility for the end of her marriage. Maybe she needs me around specifically to point it out.

 

Funny how the tables get turned.

[bluechocolate]

I don't know luvtoto. You haven't spoken in over a year, she calls you up needing a friend & asking for support & then the next thing she wants you to drive for several hours to taxi her to the hospital. Seems fishy to me. I hope she at least fills up your petrol tank.

[luvtoto]

I don't know luvtoto. You haven't spoken in over a year, she calls you up needing a friend & asking for support & then the next thing she wants you to drive for several hours to taxi her to the hospital. Seems fishy to me. I hope she at least fills up your petrol tank.

 

Bluechocolate, wonderful advice. I deffinately see your point.

 

Have you ever heard the expression...kill 'em with kindness? I think apart of me wants her to see how good my life has gotten since I've seen her last. I'm not the mess of a person she used to know; I'm strong, opinionated, level-headed & able to handle life on my own now. Don't need her over-controlling attitude about my life anymore. If we attempt to be friends again...it'll be different this time. I just want to see if I got it in me to be strong around her. If I can hold my own...so to say.

 

It's just something I gotta do. I'm tired of burning bridges and running from my past. I gotta face this head on.

[JayKay]

When I started working at my new job three years ago, she called up my new supervisor and gave her an earfull about me

 

 

 

What you said here really leaped out at me! Why would she do this?

 

 

She sounds like someone who can't bear to see other succeed or be happy. She sounds manipulative.

 

I realize you feel obligated to her, but you need to set firm boundaries.

 

Tell her you will not listen to ex-husband bashing.

 

Do not drop everything you're doing to help her out. There's a technique that I BELIEVE is called 'stonewalling'. When someone tries to get you to do something you don't want to do, you just keep repeating the same phrase over and over again to avoid being drawn into an argument.

 

Example

 

Friend: "Hi. I need a ride to the doctor's office. Can you come pick me up tomorrow morning?"

 

You: "I wish I could. But I have another committment already and can't re-schedule it."

 

Friend; " But I really need a ride. My car is in the shop and my mom can't drive me."

 

You; "I wish I could. But I have another committment already."

 

Friend; "You know, this is REALLY important."

 

You. "I understand that. But my committment is equally important and as I said, I have this committtment and can't reschedule it."

 

 

Friend; "I would change my plans for YOU."

 

 

You; "Regardless, I have this committment and I can't reschedule it."

 

 

Friend: "What am I supposed to do?"

 

 

You; "I can help you consider other options. But I can't drive you since I have this committment and can't reschedule it"

 

 

Friend: "If I don't make this appointment I'm going to have to wait 6 months for another one!"

 

 

You: "I can help you consider other options. But I can't drive you since I have this committment and can't reschedule it"

 

 

Friend; "Why are you being so stubborn?"

 

 

You: "I realize you're frustrated. But I can't drive you since I have this committment and can't reschedule it"

 

 

 

You pretty much repeat the SAME PHRASE over and over again until they get sick of trying to manipulate you.

 

It's a very effective technique because you don't have to consider all the in's and out's of an intense, logical argument. You don't have to drain or exhaust yourself. You just 'stonewall' them with the same statement.

[luvtoto]

When I started working at my new job three years ago, she called up my new supervisor and gave her an earfull about me

 

 

 

What you said here really leaped out at me! Why would she do this?

 

 

She sounds like someone who can't bear to see other succeed or be happy. She sounds manipulative.

 

I realize you feel obligated to her, but you need to set firm boundaries.

 

OH MY GOSH! I think you are dead on Jaykay! She is that way to a 'T'.

 

I think I'm trying to get revenge with this woman and set the record straight. I will pick her up in my new car...she'll ask me about my life...I'll tell her about my manager position and my new house and new puppy.

 

I'M RUTHLESS!! HAHA! I doubt our *so-called friendship* will last. I can't stand the woman. She won't be able to handle my success...especially given her predicament at the moment.

 

I am a veeeery bad person...but, bad can be good sometimes.

 

I know, I know...where the hell did my compassion go? I don't know honestly. When I lived with this woman for two months, she treated me like her hired help. Bossy as hell. Just cause I was going through a bad period in my life caused from depression...she managed to make me feel worse & her superior.

 

I remember her telling me that she would lecture her children about *tolerance* during the time we stayed there. Among the other stuff. Wha? How rude! Who treats friends like that? She even got pissed off when I used her suave shampoo. She hid it under the cupboard. I was on unemployment at the time so didn't have much money.

 

She was always right there making me feel like a loser. I stayed friends with her for 2 years after that. Until the digital camera argument...I finally stood up to her.

 

I just want to one-up her. Sorry if that's bad.

 

Whew...I needed to vent!

[Guest]

You're right! You DID need to vent!

 

See, now you have some clarity. You don't really want to help her. You're really angry at her and would like to lash back in some way.

 

I understand that.

 

Actually, it would probably cause you less stress (and drive home a MUCH stronger message) if you just kind of 'dropped' her as a friend.

[luvtoto]

You're right! You DID need to vent!

 

See, now you have some clarity. You don't really want to help her. You're really angry at her and would like to lash back in some way.

 

I understand that.

 

Actually, it would probably cause you less stress (and drive home a MUCH stronger message) if you just kind of 'dropped' her as a friend.

 

Thank you. I was kinda waiting for someone to lash out and say "how dare you treat another human being that way!"..least that is what my guilt voice has been telling me. But, you are right...I am passively lashing back. Thanks Guest. Are you gonna stick around LS?