nOtlikeme Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 ive been going out with my bf for about 2 years now. we met on the internet and have been together since the first date. we both did alot of internet dating in the past and im thinking now its really not the way to go. we have a beautiful 3 month old daughter. we are not currently living together but we talk about it all the time and are trying to save up to move and get the hell out of our parents houses. in the beginning of our relationship, about 4 months in, i seen some text messages from a girl on his cell phone (it was his ex, he feels he has to be friends with all of them), they were talking back and forth about missing each other. i confronted him about them and asked him if he still wanted to be with her and he said no. i told him that texting his ex made me feel a little insecure and he assured me it was nothing and that it would stop. than a few weeks later we both started to receive hang up phone calls and finally found out it was her. i told him that i didnt want to deal with the drama of his ex's and that he needs to choose his friends more wisely. but thats when it all started. ive never been an insecure person. i was always so strong and independent and even a little conceited. anyways, i started wondering if there was more to all the ex talk so i started reading his emails. i found out that he was on a sexchatline posing as a single man looking for a fun,loving woman. i confronted him and told him my friend seen him online and told me about it...he apologized, said he didnt know why he did it and that was the end of it, for him, ever since than (2 years later) im a paranoid freak and i hate the person i am. i hate feeling this way..i mean, really i dont think he would ever cheat on me but my feelings of insecurity never stopped. im always reading his email and looking on his phone for new numbers, i always want to be around him (having no free space for myself) because i want to know what he is up to. im obsessed with catching him doing something wrong. and i hate it! we fight all the time because he doesnt have any free time to hisself and about me nagging him when he does go out and i blame it on the fact that i live far away from my friends, but i know the real reason. i havent caught him doing anything since the sexchatline inccedent. but there is still always the feeling in the back of my head that he is flirting and looking for something more. i know i should have ended it along time ago. it wasnt worth the stress, but i loved him. and now we have our daughter and i want to change to give my family a chance to work. but about two weeks ago i left him, not just because of my insecurities, but he was scared of the responsiblities of being a dad and felt that it was okay for him to be a dad when it was good for him...it all overwhelmed me so i left him. we argued our issues out, about me being insecure and about him running away from his responsibilities. we had a good talk and decided to take things slow to see if it was worth working out (we break up every 3 months it seems). so than he confessed. he told me he was talking to new girls on the internet but just as friends. i asked if he was talking to them on the phone. he said no. so the next time i was at his house i snooped i had to be sure he wasnt lying..i read his msn history and i read messages to his ex's and to new girls saying he wants to see nude pics and wants them to go on webcam..that he wanted to meet them and have sex with them, and give oral blah blah blah exchanged numbers...yea..so than of course i found the numbers on his phone and confronted him once again. he got mad cus i was snooping and i apologized cus i knew it was wrong, its always wrong..so he told me he was horny and didnt really meet any of them. but i read one message that said "good thing we didnt have sex" so he told me about another woman he met (AFTER 2 DAYS OF BEING APART) and he fooled around with her, but he argued his point that we werent together. so yea we werent together...but i mean 48 hours and he is over me??? i feel like me and his daughter meant nothing to him, like our family isnt worth fighting for...he apologized, said he didnt know why he did it, his emotions were messed cus i left him alone. he begged me to get over it because we werent together and he didnt want me to find out so he told me little white lies so i wouldnt feel hurt like i am now. i want our family to work...and i love him...but when he touches me i think of him touching someone else...i dream everynight of him meeting girls off the net and touching them because im such a nag and he cant stand me.... we havent argued in two weeks, ive been keeping my emotions all bottled up..but i dont know how to get over this all...i want to be happy without being paranoid...please does someone have any advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Author nOtlikeme Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 oh...he has changed his email address, we share one so that we both talk to the friends we already have and if there is someone new we can both get to know them...he also deleted the numbers off his phone...but it doesnt seem enough..i still cant get over it Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 trust your gut feeling, it is almost always right. I trusted mine, even after he told me I was crazy, and I found out he was cheating. I am not saying this is the case, just dont ignore what you are trying to tell yourself! However, you should back off on the constant hanging on him. He will begin to feel smoothered (if not all ready). If you have suspusions, check them out, but dont let it take over your well being. Now, If I could only listen to my own advice..... BTY- My man made secret email address too....yes, it was set up for privacy, so I could not read the emails he and his "friend" were sending each other. Sorry, thats just my experience. If you know he has a secret email, you set up one too, and email his to see if he writes you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nOtlikeme Posted March 1, 2006 Author Share Posted March 1, 2006 good idea thanks Guest Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Uuuugggg…This is a VERY unhappy situation for all concerned….I so want to tell you to pull away from him but I know, at best, that this is superficial advice that you already know for yourself. I too, got caught up in that whole downward spiral of distrust and deceit. Like you I was independent and perhaps a bit cocky of myself…..and that all changed like you when I first started to smell a rat…. Since then it has been a series of strange situations, odd numbers, behaviors and the like…..though nothing as tangible as yours…. I think I know what you are doing….you are waiting for rock solid proof, like catching him fogging up the windows in a car with some woman, or coming home after work while he is tangled up in bedsheets with someone else That is what I am waiting for, and I am slowly realizing that the truth is not going to be revealed until it is time I really know how you feel….all those long hours slowly going mad convinced he is up to something so that you even start to question your own sanity…… Believe this, if you continue on this path, you will go crazy. This is what I have done differently: I started to focus on myself. Realizing that he is letting me waste golden opportunities, I mentally “moved on”….its not easy, I have relapsed and confronted, spied and fought a couple of times…. Take my approach and be there “in spirit” but not in mind..distance yourself emotionally that way when you do find him in a compromising position, (and you will given the path that he seems to be on) it wont be that hard to let go. I think you should just let him go altogether, a nice clean break, but I realize this is not an easy feat, esp since you have already started a family with him. He doesn’t seem emotionally capable of being there for you or your child right now. He seems to be going backward towards “horny teenager” phase instead of “father with responsibilities” phase. There is no reason you need to go backward with him. Let go. Even if it is just a little. Start with little things, like resisting the urge to check the cell phone that day, or blowing off the perfect opportunity to check the email. Each time you do these things you start to become stronger, and independent. Independent because you are refusing to let thoughts of him to dominate your mind that day, hour, minute, whatever.. There is freedom in these little feats and accomplishments. Deny the opportunities and learn a better way…..do it for you and your child. Another thing I do with my “nervous energy” energy is exercise. Sometimes just 30 minutes a day doing something active in the way of improving yourself makes you feel like you have accomplished so much…. Anything to take your mind off of “what he is doing”….dont give him so much power and credit… Link to post Share on other sites
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