ShinyNewGuy Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I'm a passionate person, I guess. I never stopped loving my wife as a lover and I often tell her I love her and that I find her attractive. But she often reacts sarcastically which, of course, puts me off. Sex is infrequent and a bore now, no matter what I try. Last night I bought some massage oil and I gave her a full hour massage. I wasn't expecting sex but she seemed unmoved even though she enjoyed the massage. I've tried dicussing it with her, but it gets nowhere and I don't want to bring it up anymore let I become a pest. Even though I love her, I'm disgusted enough with all this to leave her. But we have 2 kids, 12 and 8. I don't want to disrupt their lives. Is is possible to withstand living another 10 years in a marriage like this? And yes, I buy her flowers and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 I wasn't expecting sex but she seemed unmoved even though she enjoyed the massage. /QUOTE] Well, yeah you were expecting it, or it would be an issue right now. Here's the thing. Most women do not get how important sexual fufillment is to a man. They just don't. Just like men don't get how a woman has to be emotionally intimate with a man to feel like she wants to have sex with him. It's a cycle. If she's not connected to you emotionally she will not want to have sex with you- and if you're not connected to her sexually then you won't want to meet her emotional needs. Another point- if you're only doing things for her to get something in return, like say- getting her flowers or giving her a massage to get what you want in return which is sex she will immediately be suspicious of everything that you do. There's a great book called "His needs her needs, how to affair proof your marriage" which you should read. Perhaps her love bank is empty? (You'll understand more about this concept if you read the book) There is also a great website that can help you in the quest for a great marriage, called marriage builders. Google that and do some reading. It's totally understandable that you want to have sexual pleasure in a marriage and it's not wrong for you to feel that way. The thing is, what you are doing isn't working so it's time to take another tactic. Perhaps your wife doesn't respond to flowers and she truly wants you to watch the kids one afternoon for her to have a spa day or something? On marriage builders there is a questionaire to fill out that will tell you what she wants from you that she's not getting. Don't be accusing when you ask her to do this with you. Put it like you know you have made mistakes and want to be able to make her the happiest she's ever been. Once you both start working the questionaires it will probably become clear to her what she's doing to contribute to issues in the marriage as well. The worst thing you can do is to make this out to your wife like it's all about your sexual need. She will shut down to any ideas of improvement if you do that because to her right now, she's tired of hearing all of that. Get to reading and keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Whether you have become annoying or not..put the ball in her court make her explain her reasons for just becoming hum drum...communication is and always will be the key to a succesful marriage. If you feel that she will find your need to discuss this and fix it as an annoyance then you need to work on communication together..you have needs as does she and neither party should be dismissed. Some people just become so comfortable in a marriage after many years they don't see the "romance" being a big deal anymore..but that's how you make it last... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 She may feel sexy and desirable inside. The more you show and tell her how much you love her and want her, do romantic things together, maybe she'll come around and open up more. Could she be stressed out? Tired from the kids and just not into sex because of that? If this continues then it's time to ship the kids off to your family or the inlaws and have some alone time together. She has to understand how important sex is for you - It's YOUR connection feeling towards her...Yet somehow she isn't relating sexual passion towards you. It isn't anything you have done wrong or turned her off, (I hope) but more like this stuff is coming from inside her. She has allowed a habit to form and that is not having sex. Could be she doesn't feel active, good about her body, or just not horny at all. Which means it's hormonal and she should talk to her DR about it if it continues. Don't give up. You love your wife and you walking out on her isn't the answer right now. So, don't let YOUR thoughts go too far with leaving because there is a small possiblity that in 10 years things could be the same. Hopefully if things don't get better, you two will seek some sort of marriage counselling together. Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedTard Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 If you have to try that hard just to get her attention, then it's time for a woman on the side. Sorry, but life is too short to try to coax your wife into treating you like a husband and lover. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 That is the wrong advice to give him. If he wants sex and wants out, then he should get a divorce, NOT have something on the side and stay married. That's stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 If you have to try that hard just to get her attention, then it's time for a woman on the side. Sorry, but life is too short to try to coax your wife into treating you like a husband and lover. Dude, every time you post on this subject it becomes more and more obvious why you ain't gettin' no home-cookin'. :lmao: MzPixie's got it right. Geez.....it's like having the cure for cancer and nobody listening. You might try using the search tool to find more threads on this subject, Shiny New Guy. It's a topic of frequent discussion around here. I typed in the keywords "female libido" and came up with this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=376568 There's more where that came from too. It's an all too common problem. You can try the 'advanced search' tool and put in different combinations of keywords to find more threads. Link to post Share on other sites
KonRyuu Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Hmm...yeah, women by the age are looking more into things like you cleaning house or cooking, kinda wierd, but when women get older, and especially after kids. Doing something like have someone watch your kids and cook a dinner for you and your wife and have like a candle-light dinner or something. Massages aren't the biggest turn on to women, it just relaxes them. That'd be scary if your wife got turned on by a massage, especially if she got one professionally from a man. Women respond differently to touch than a man does. On top of that book that was recommended, I would recommend Power of a Praying Husband and Power of a Praying Wife. They're very good books to read, my wife and I have changed since reading them. Good luck. Oh and, it would be a good idea to sit your wife down and talk with her, find out what it might be that she wants done that will turn her on, also, you can tell her things that you might expect from her. The biggest problem with marriages these days is the lack of communication. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 If you have to try that hard just to get her attention, then it's time for a woman on the side. Sorry, but life is too short to try to coax your wife into treating you like a husband and lover. This is a perfect example of the spite and intent to humiliate I believe exists in all cheaters. The only reason you have a woman on the side is to hurt your wife and punish her. Sack up and leave, or stay and try to work it out. This is a cowardly and rotten response. I hope no one here is foolish enough to believe this is an answer to ANY problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Originally Posted by MarriedTard If you have to try that hard just to get her attention, then it's time for a woman on the side. Sorry, but life is too short to try to coax your wife into treating you like a husband and lover. You absolutely picked the correct username. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Originally Posted by MarriedTard If you have to try that hard just to get her attention, then it's time for a woman on the side. Sorry, but life is too short to try to coax your wife into treating you like a husband and lover. You absolutely picked the correct username. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedTard Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 This is a perfect example of the spite and intent to humiliate I believe exists in all cheaters. The only reason you have a woman on the side is to hurt your wife and punish her. Sack up and leave, or stay and try to work it out. This is a cowardly and rotten response. I hope no one here is foolish enough to believe this is an answer to ANY problem. No it comes from exasperation - this I say that from experience. I spent 10 years, that's right 10 f**ing years trying to get to the bottom of the problem with my wife. The end result is always the same: 1)I would get blamed for not having enough romance in the marriage. She says she can't so it in our bedroom because it's where she folds laundry and bla bla bla. Never mind that we have a large master bedroom with a private view of a magnificent lake. 2)She would seem sympathetic to the fact that after weeks of no sex I'm a little frustrated. But the next day, - it's as if we had never talked. 3) We have sex, but it's a concession on her part. She's all tired, puts on a forced smile which does little to hide that "let's get it over with" attitude. I'm sleeping a beautiful Asian co-worker on the side. She wants me to make love to her all the time. She says she thinks about our lovemaking from the moment she gets up. So do I. THAT's what it's all about. And I might add that I never would have slept with my co-worker if my wife were to have enjoyable sex with me once a week. That alone would have kept me in line. But I just turned 42 and I now realize I've wasted too much time trying to negotiate with my wife over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Presario Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 No it comes from exasperation - this I say that from experience. I spent 10 years, that's right 10 f**ing years trying to get to the bottom of the problem with my wife. Why don't you ask her for a divorce? I'm sleeping a beautiful Asian co-worker on the side. She wants me to make love to her all the time. She says she thinks about our lovemaking from the moment she gets up. So do I. THAT's what it's all about. I know nothing about it (I'm only 27), but that's just the beginning. I guess after some time she will lose interest in sex and will want to be more of a life partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Shicoal Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 Reason's why I dumped my ex bf! He was overly passionate that it made me sick! I easily wrapped my fingers around him and pulled the string on him anytime he upset me. I mean I think he was just to naive and I don't know obssesed thinking that he should be lovey dovey all the time. Women need to be put in there place as well as men, but it's not for an ultimatium if your relationship is fine but rather a give and take of emotional and sexual needs between you too. My hubby and I have a good working relationship, but we have a balance so we don't find that we are boring one another. Because we live togeather we see eachother almost all the time, so to make things more workable I should say, we deny to some extent the constant mushy emotions and physcial enlightment. Because too much is too much and I like it when my hubby doesn't give in all the time because it makes me want him even more and I get irritated. So I do the same thing to push his buttons until he can't take it and well......we fulfill each other time and time again like when we first slept togeather..... So it's a balance with how much you give and how much you take...Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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