Controlling parents

[clandestinidad]

Alright...this situation occurred recently, so I might not make a lot of sense right now.

 

My parents are very controlling. If they dont like a decision that I'm making, they will threaten to cut off finances (the house, my car) not watch my daughter, etc.

 

So, I've made plans to travel somewhere. Weeks ago I discussed having them watch my daughter while I'm gone for a couple days, and it was alright with them. Then my mother and I briefly talked about where I'm going/what I'm doing and she told my father. Today they told me that they wont watch her because they dont like the choice I'm making and dont want to 'participate' in the situation. They also said that they're looking out for my daughter, insinuating that I'm not by going on this trip.

 

Eventually, this turned into my father yelling and screaming at me, I guess b/c he didnt like the fact that I was telling him how controlling he is (they've done numerous other things before)...and that I said they're using my daughter, in the sense that b/c they dont want me to do something they will prevent me from doing it by not watching her. I said everything very calmly, despite his obvious temper tantrum.

 

I told him that its one thing to tell me his opinion and what he thinks about things, but its quite another to MAKE me not do it, and that at nearly 25 this type of control should have stopped years ago. He apparently feels that since he's paying for things, he should be able to control what I do.

 

He said something about how I'm going there to have sex (my mother said this as well), and I tried explaining that if I was looking to do that I could easily make that happen here.

 

Then he wanted to know how my trip is being paid for. I asked him why he needed to know that. He threw more of a fit, saying that he has a 'right' to know since he pays for everything, to which I responded "your name isnt on my bank account". Then he said that if I have thousands of dollars to be able to pay for a trip, I should be paying for things around here. I tried to explain that I certainly dont have that kind of money to throw around, and that who/how the trip is being paid for isnt his business. This line of questioning and what-not continued for a while, and he obviously tried different tactics to get the info from me...but I just kept saying "what does it matter", "what does it have to do with anything we're talking about"....he was NOT happy about that.

 

This caused him to say things such as "okay, big shot, since you have everything under control and dont need me for anything, and wont tell me anything about your finances, whenever you get back from your trip youre not going to have any place to live, since you can apparently pay for lots of things" (he said something earlier about changing the locks on me)...he said a bunch of other stuff too....then he hung up on me.

 

Btw, he would seriously throw me out. Even if he thought it was wrong, or realized that he'd been controlling, he would still take everything away just b/c he said he would and doesnt want to go back on it.

 

This is so typical. Its ridiculous, really. Why cant some people just let people make their own decisions without manipulating and forcing them into the alternative?!

 

They also did this with school. They refused to pay for any other school unless it was Nursing school in a certain town. If it was nursing school in another town, no. If it was another school in the town they wanted, no. They missed the whole point about how that was controlling too....seems pretty obvious to me. (I decided to pay for a different school myself, btw)

 

So....what do I do about this? Still go on the trip? Move to a shelter? Feed his ego so that I can stay here with everything held over my head some more? All thoughts are appreciated

[933KJL]

My advice is to cut them loose. If they are controlling at 25 they will be controlling at 40 50 and beyond. Yes, it is nice to have a fall back financially and their generosity enables you to have a good life...but at what price?

 

My father and I are on the outs because of this. He tries to be controlling and is successful with my sister but it pisses him off when he can't to me. I am bummed that we dont have a close relationship for sure, but I think I would be further bummed if he controlled it all.

 

In your situation, I would think about cancelling the trip and if paid with your money maybe invest it in an apartment or savings for you and your daughter to get out from the reach.

 

I suspect that you may be an only child and they are having a tough time cutting the cord with you.

[cal gal]

It sounds as though your Father may have a big ego, control issues, etc.

 

He reminds me a bit of my father who was raised in new england, then in the military and fbi etc.

 

We were raised to abide by whatever was dolled out.

 

I was the only child out of nine that could RESPECTFULLY buck the system....

 

I often times think that your approach and choice of words may be a key to obtaining a good outcome.

 

Your parents may have been thinking that you should be taking your daughter with you... that may be something to consider for the future.

 

The less you ask and rely on them - the better off you will be ALL THE WAY AROUND.

 

I don't believe a gal that is 25 years of age should be asking mommy if she will wipe her b*tt! For lack of a better description!

 

GROW UP.... you are a MOM. you have things to take care of -yourself-your daughter- your future as both of your lives!

 

I love your posts honey! I could find you to be a VERY dear friend if you were close by - I know you are not! You are a great gal.

 

Be a good person and a good mom and concentrate your efforts and energy for now on you and your child. The relationship with a man will come naturally when the time is right.

 

This is probably what your parents would like to say to you, but when things get heated, then we lose track of the purpose of the conversation....

 

REMEMBER - they LOVE you. Do not ALLOW them to control you. Get out from under their financial constraints so that you can feel like a gal that is your own age.

 

Above all- love your daughter as much as you can, they grow up way too fast!

 

Be independent and proud of yourself while making a good life for you and your daughter, SHE comes first.

 

Your parents will then be supportive in an emotional way instead of financial.....

 

XO

 

PS YOU ARE A SWEET PERSON from what I have seen!

[bluechocolate]

He apparently feels that since he's paying for things, he should be able to control what I do.

In a sense he is right. Just the mere fact that he pays for things controls what you do, where you live, how you get about, etc.

 

To be frank, if I was financially supporting someone & then all of a sudden they could afford to go on a trip somewhere & refused to tell me where they got the money from I would probably withdraw that financial support as well. Even if that person was my child.

 

Unfortunately if you're going to be financially obligated to your parents in this way then you're going to have to dance to their tune. You know what they're like, they've been like this all your life apparently. What makes you think they're going to change? You're the one who is going to have to do the changing here.

[clandestinidad]

Thanks for those replies!

 

I'm not the only child, but I'm very different from my 'goody-goody' older sister. I'm a slut and horrible person b/c I had a baby before I was married...and then got divorced...and am not done w/ school yet...this is all according to them.

 

For the last year or so, I've considered getting a job and continuing classes. It would probably take a little longer to finish, but I'd be okay with that.

 

I've tried distancing myself from my family as much as possible over the last few years. They've always been harmful, and its not healthy for me. The financial situation is the only constraint...and they LOVE to hold that one over me all the time. Well, that and the free babysitter that I have.

 

About cancelling the trip, I dont think I can get a refund. I'll check though. I could take her with me, I'd just rather not for a couple reasons. I could also have her father and other grandmother watch her while I'm gone, but she's never been with them more than an overnight trip, so I dont know how that would go for her.

 

I have some money saved, so if it came down to it, I could get an apartment and if I found a job quickly I think things would be alright. Not sure what I'd do about childcare though. My daughter goes to school for a few hours twice a week at a very expensive school, which I pay for a part of but my parents pay for the other part. And I dont know what they'd do about my car....probably take it, knowing them...hahaha

[Touche]

I'm afraid I agree with BC. Until you sever all financial ties, you will not truly be an independent adult. They will always treat you like a child. To me it would be worth it to go for your independence. Your daughter could go to a different school. You should really try to do this. You will feell so much better about yourself and you'll wonder how you stayed so dependent on them. You will have earned the freedom that you really don't have now.

 

Also, have you considered trying to get more support from your daughter's father? Is that an option? You should not have to be dependent on your parents at this age. It's really not worth it and will just get worse.

[bluechocolate]

If you can afford to move out, even if things are going to be tight, then do it. Research what support is available to you in your area. Find a different school. You know your parents can't "gift" money to you without strings attached so you shouldn't want them paying for your daughter's education either. If they were to insist upon it then YOU should be the one putting on the provisos.

 

As for the car - whose name is it in? ie. who is the legal owner? If it's your father then it was never yours to begin with & he could take it away from you at any point in time anyway.

[travellingman]

I have some money saved, so if it came down to it, I could get an apartment and if I found a job quickly I think things would be alright.

 

First, it's great to see you and Touche here, reminds me of good times.

 

You are being treated like you're in high school, and this will continue as long as you take their money. Most parents don't like to cut their kids off, so you will need to voluntarily cut financial ties. You can do it one piece at a time to ease the transition, but you can't let this go on much longer.

[clandestinidad]

I really appreciate these replies. Its giving me much to think about. The car is in his name, so yeah, he can take it whenever he wants. And he can change the locks on the house whenever he wants too...and I wouldnt put it past him based on how angry he was during this conversation. He literally screamed at me 3-4 times, in between the yelling and personal attacks....I'm rather proud of myself for not even raising my voice or getting angry. A few years ago I would have screamed right back.

 

The reason they decided they werent going to watch my daughter is because I'm going to another state to visit someone. I had cleared it with them a while ago, and then made the plans more definate based on the fact that they said they'd watch her while I visit with someone. When they heard that I'm going away to do that, they decided that its wrong/bad and that they wouldnt watch her, making me unable to go. I strongly feel that this is using my daughter to control me, and I'm very displeased about it. Her biological father tried to use her too, telling me that he'd pay me $100 to let him claim her on his taxes this year so that he'd get back around $1700 or so....

 

They said a few months ago, "We'll watch ____ whenever you want/need us to, and wont ask you about what youre doing b/c its your life"

 

Apparently they didnt mean that.

 

So....I dont know what to do now. I have a few options: take her with me (which I'm not quite ready to do yet), change the flight date and meet this person later, change the flight date and have this person come here instead....maybe there are other options too that I'm not thinking of.

 

My father questioned why I'm going there, and I tried explaining that I wanted to get out of here and go to ____, b/c I'd never been there before and wanted to see what it was all about. He didnt seem to understand anything I said......I believe his phrase was, "We're not going to watch her so you can go shack up w/ someone"....since thats my reason, you know

 

but that leads me to my issue w/ this situation, what the hell does it matter what I decide to do. At this point in my life it shouldnt matter. I really see what yall are saying about how someone controlling the money also has some influence about what the person does, I just wish there was some line separating my personal life.

[littlekitty]

Your finances are part of your personal life. They are paying for your house (?), car, daughters school and probably other things too. I'm afraid although I agree they are controlling you and overstepping the bounderies I would want, they do basically have a right to a large say in your life. Why? Because right now they're paying for it!!

 

Get out, get independant and they'll have no reason for telling you how to live your life!!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

If you expect your parents to pay your finances, they have every right to be as "controlling" as they want. If you don't like it, get a babysitter, or pay your own bills.

[clandestinidad]

Interesting point of view....except that I've never once 'expected' them to do anything. They have taken my circumstances, and made it so that I am now stuck in a situation that I'm trying to get out of. Its much more complex than you think

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Look where I found you

 

So, you are going... That's what I did with my guy too, it was much easier to meet him if I did the travelling.

 

Your situation with your parents sucks!

 

Poor you. Well, I'd just leave the daughter with the father or the grandma. Just that maybe the father would get jealous and play a similar trick like your parents did. Or don't give him the details.

 

Then, if your daughter doesn't like it and misses your parents let them deal with it, you'll be far anyway . I wouldn't even call them lol

 

You know, I went to live with my parents after my divorce too and it was just awful. Kind of like your situation. But the worst part of all was that I became my son's older sister and my mother became his mother grrrr... I ended up not speaking with my mother the last months before I moved out.

 

So.... good luck to you, and don't change the trip date. It's going to be the same later on, for now just diet and exercise .

 

Ariadne

[bluechocolate]

Well, I'd just leave the daughter with the father or the grandma. Just that maybe the father would get jealous and play a similar trick like your parents did. Or don't give him the details.

 

Then, if your daughter doesn't like it and misses your parents let them deal with it, you'll be far anyway . I wouldn't even call them lol

Wow, really ?!

 

If I was asked to baby sit (whether it be as grandparent, non-custodial parent or friend) I would want to know how to get a hold of the custodial parent, unless they were trekking in the Himalayas of kayaking up the Amazon. And if that were the case I'd want flight schedules, other travel details, names of fellow travelers, etc.

 

kat - I'm assuming you're smart enough to know that if you're flying off alone to meet a man someone back home has to have all the details, who, when, where, etc...

[AmItheOne]

Kat,

 

I had my daughter when I was 19. Her father left us and I had to move in with my parents til I could get on my feet. We lived with them for about a year and then I decided to take control of my life. I didn't make a great deal of money and I was going back to college part time but I decided it was time for me to take control of my life, after all I was a mom. We moved into our first apartment together and lived there for 2 years until I decided to go back to college full time in a city 300 miles away from home. I moved to this new city with just me and my daughter and worked full time, went to school full time, and raised my daughter myself. Her father died 2 years ago last week and I no longer had child support to help me through, and we were denied social security benefits so my last year of college was TOUGH...but I did it, me, noone else...and that's a great feeling. We struggled financially that last year and I have a lot of credit card debt to pay back now but I wouldn't change it for the world because when I look at my degree on MY wall in MY house, I know it was because of ME that I have it. If I can do this anyone can...you just have to take the plunge and say, I want my life for me. I have a great job now, am working on my MBA, and still raise my daughter completely by myself (her fathers parents think it is too hard for them to see her since his death). She is in 1st grade and she's already been to college...memories she will have for a lifetime, she saw her mommy walk across that stage and I use my life to show her that she can do ANYTHING she wants, adversity is temporary.

 

Sorry to be so long winded...it just bothers me that someone else is controlling your life. I may have to struggle for a while longer to pay back some debt and my school loans will be around for a LONG time but I don't owe anyone for my success and that's a great feeling.

[kitten chick]

kat - I'm assuming you're smart enough to know that if you're flying off alone to meet a man someone back home has to have all the details, who, when, where, etc...

 

Ditto. I'm not really sure I blame your parents. If something happens to you, and things happen often enough as we see on the news, they are the ones that will end up with care of your child permanently. You have a child which means you have a lot of responsibilities that you have to deal with. If this guy was worth it, he would make it easier for you and come to you if he has nothing tying him down...and you do.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Wow, really ?!

 

If I was asked to baby sit (whether it be as grandparent, non-custodial parent or friend) I would want to know how to get a hold of the custodial parent

 

Of course give all the contact information.

 

I meant not to tell the daughter's father that she is going to "shack up with some other guy"... or whatever. Can you babysit? Like, yeah sure.

 

Well, some are understanding but not as common,

 

Ariadne

[clandestinidad]

I'm a little stunned that ya'll would think I wouldnt tell people where I was going, when, flight info, names of others involved, etc.....I'd think you know me a little better than that!! hahaha

 

Oh yeah....and he's gotten a ticket here too, so we're deciding who will go where. The other option was to bring DD with me, but I dont think it would be a good idea for her right now. Unless my parents realize that they were intruding in my personal life too much, and decide to watch her, he's coming here. Everything other than the issue w/ parents is going great!!! I'm sooo excited!!