Still a mess... yeah, part 3, Ryan!

[Stacey]

The saga continues and is only getting worse... If you're reading this, Ryan - I'm the one with the continuing "Still a mess" theme going on! My husband went to one, YES ONE, counseling session and that appears to be it on his end. I'm still sleeping in the spare bedroom, at his request and the topper is that the guy I had the brief affair with and broke it off with 2 weeks ago is back calling me....

 

Temptation is rearing it's ugly head again and I know in my heart that to get back into an affair with this guy would be totally wrong and I am trying my VERY best to stay away from it.

 

What I cannot deal with is the hopelessness that has invaded my life now. I've always been a very optimistic person but right now I'm so low I have to look up to see the bottom.

 

A few days ago, I talked with a friend who is a psychologist. Not in a patient/doctor way but more the "I have a friend" kind of thing - looking for his input into why he would think a man in a marital relationship of 18 years would have sex with his wife no more than 15 times in all those years(that's my estimate, it's probably less) - a situation that has, at long last, reached crisis stage in my marriage and led me to have an affair in the first place. He asked a lot of questions and, truthfully, I think he knew I was talking about my own marriage but didn't say anything. I was very honest and upfront with him and then he totally shocked me by saying that from what I'd told him that my husband may be a latent homosexual!! I totally freaked. Not because I am homophobic but because I totally can't believe this would be true. That I would have been so stupid for all these years not to figure out if our sexual problems were because of this.

 

Also in the last few days, I was talking to another friend who said she had seen my husband "out" a few times and kinda wondered why he was where he was and without me. She would not elaborate and say exactly where because she didn't want to start "any trouble" or "get involved". Some friend....

 

So, next thing I do is sit down with my husband and ask him directly "are you gay?". He says no and then gets up and walks away - end of conversation.

 

I still can't believe this would be true but I have to know for sure and don't know how to get a truthful answer that, at this point, I will even believe. Given the level of the intimacy problems we have had in our marriage and looking back, now, over the years, it begins to make some sense but I still don't want to believe it. On the other hand, if this IS the problem, I have wasted 18 years of my life, love and soul on a man who will never be interested in satisfying me sexually. HOW can I ever continue in this marriage? The seeds of doubt have been planted and I don't know how to root out the truth.

 

NOW, I am totally confused, depressed and can't seem to stop crying long enough to think straight. How can I continue to believe that I can devote myself to getting this marriage back on track if there is nothing to get back on track? I feel like I've wasted a good portion of my life with this man, regardless of whether he's gay or not.

 

This is probably a situation that screams for counseling for me but I think I'm afraid to find out what demons may lurk in my own head.... and I am afraid of confessing my own sin (the affair) - we live in a small town and I don't trust anyone to keep their mouths shut. I'm also very afraid that I will come to the conclusion that there is no way but out and will find myself alone at 45 years old with no where to turn. I don't make enough in my own business to support myself and fall apart when I think of being all alone, broke and starting my life over at my age....My own head even seems to be turning on me and the depression, crying jags and total hopelessness are driving me into the ground. Each day is getting harder and harder to take and there seems to be no light at the end of tunnel at all. I used to think I could always still see a little speck of light but it's not there anymore....

[odyne]

Stacey,

 

As far as advice about your marriage goes, some others who post here would be in a better place to give you advice...but I just wanted to let you know, there is light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, it may just be hidden at the moment. No matter what age you are, or who you are with, there are always miraculous things to enjoy about life. I may sound like one of those people who cannot cease to see the glass as at the very least half full, but I struggle with things in my life that make me believe that the light in the world around us, the glow that makes us who we are, is gone. Try and take care of yourself through all this, remember that there are people who care about you, from your real life friends, to all of us here (as cheesy as it sounds). Try taking time to yourself, go for a walk in a quiet park, spend some time reading a book you love, try to push away the dark thoughts and concentrate on what you really want in life. Fear consumes us all, but just from your posts I can tell you are an intellegent person, and if you decide you have the capability to do something, you can make it happen. I believe in being honest with people, and I won't tell you it will all suddenly get better, but it can get better over time. Give yourself a chance, maybe you've been putting so much thought into your relationships with other people you've lost touch of yourself. I know this isn't the straight advice you are searching for, but I felt I had to say something, I hate to see others who are losing sight of hope.

 

Just a friend,

 

Odyne

[Ryan]

Well first, stop talking to the other guy. If he calls, tell him you can't be a part of his life right now and say goodbye. You aren't in any position to try to create more relationships.......you'll only generate more chaos.

 

I'm not sure about this homosexual angle. Yes, it is a possibility, but your evidence is vague hearsay. I don't think the accusation was a terribly good maneuver here, but the damage seems to already be done anyhow. It's not really here nor there WHY the marriage is failing.

 

It's whether or not something is going to be done NOW. If you haven't done so yet, you need to make it EXCEEDINGLY clear that if he is not making definite attempts at progress and improvement in a similar manner to you, it's over. Don't mince words here. The action-consequence sequence needs to be CLEARLY AND STERNLY defined. It shouldn't be an attack, but rather an assertion. I don't particularly like the idea of ultimatums, but it appears that all other avenues have been exhausted. If he is still wavering and uncertain/uncommitted, then it is probably time to move on.

 

If that does turn out to be the situation, take PLENTY of buffer time after the separation to recollect yourself (this is a good time to have some individual counseling to mend the past wounds). Do NOT transition into other romantic relationships. You need time to fall back on a safety net of stable friends and confidants. Do not worry about having your secrets spread by a professional therapist. If it happens, you own him/her. It's important for you to establish an environment where you CAN be frank without the hesitation. You'll be able to progress above and beyond this mess, but it will take time.

 

That is about the best I can say in my perspective and in this forum. The judgment call of make-or-break ultimately comes down to you. I hope we have been useful.

[Stacey]

Thanks to both of you. Odyne - for giving me a little of my optimism back, I needed it! Ryan - asking my husband if he was gay was not done in an accusatory manner. Yes, it was a difficult question to ask but it was done on my end in a calm way prefaced by some talk between us - he's the one who got up and walked away. You have been of great help to me and now I will move ahead to do what I have to do to resolve this - no more sitting on the fence....

[Katja]

Dear Stacey,

 

I know some people who are close to your situation. One relative of mine who left her (nearly perfect) husband because he didn't want sex. She finally had a brief affair, and her husband was distraught about it.

 

She asked, "Did you think I would live the rest of my life without sex?" His answer was "Yes." [shudder]

 

In my book, that's unacceptable! There can be other reasons beside latent homosexuality. Some men look at porn all the time and lose interest in sex with a real woman.

 

If your husband isn't looking for help with this problem, and you have a normal sex drive, then I see where you have no choice but to leave him. It's unforunate.

 

Life isn't over at 45! I felt old when I first thought of leaving my husband at age 40 (for his infidelity). I finally left at age 48, and I can tell you have had a few guys pursuing me after only a brief time. I wish I had left him sooner. I can see already that my life will be far better without him, whether I end up marrying again or not!

 

No matter what your age, there are available partners who will love you and make you happy. Life is too short to waste with a cold fish (or an unfaithful guy!)

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Katja

 

The saga continues and is only getting worse... If you're reading this, Ryan - I'm the one with the continuing "Still a mess" theme going on! My husband went to one, YES ONE, counseling session and that appears to be it on his end. I'm still sleeping in the spare bedroom, at his request and the topper is that the guy I had the brief affair with and broke it off with 2 weeks ago is back calling me.... Temptation is rearing it's ugly head again and I know in my heart that to get back into an affair with this guy would be totally wrong and I am trying my VERY best to stay away from it.

 

What I cannot deal with is the hopelessness that has invaded my life now. I've always been a very optimistic person but right now I'm so low I have to look up to see the bottom. A few days ago, I talked with a friend who is a psychologist. Not in a patient/doctor way but more the "I have a friend" kind of thing - looking for his input into why he would think a man in a marital relationship of 18 years would have sex with his wife no more than 15 times in all those years(that's my estimate, it's probably less) - a situation that has, at long last, reached crisis stage in my marriage and led me to have an affair in the first place. He asked a lot of questions and, truthfully, I think he knew I was talking about my own marriage but didn't say anything. I was very honest and upfront with him and then he totally shocked me by saying that from what I'd told him that my husband may be a latent homosexual!! I totally freaked. Not because I am homophobic but because I totally can't believe this would be true. That I would have been so stupid for all these years not to figure out if our sexual problems were because of this. Also in the last few days, I was talking to another friend who said she had seen my husband "out" a few times and kinda wondered why he was where he was and without me. She would not elaborate and say exactly where because she didn't want to start "any trouble" or "get involved". Some friend.... So, next thing I do is sit down with my husband and ask him directly "are you gay?". He says no and then gets up and walks away - end of conversation. I still can't believe this would be true but I have to know for sure and don't know how to get a truthful answer that, at this point, I will even believe. Given the level of the intimacy problems we have had in our marriage and looking back, now, over the years, it begins to make some sense but I still don't want to believe it. On the other hand, if this IS the problem, I have wasted 18 years of my life, love and soul on a man who will never be interested in satisfying me sexually. HOW can I ever continue in this marriage? The seeds of doubt have been planted and I don't know how to root out the truth. NOW, I am totally confused, depressed and can't seem to stop crying long enough to think straight. How can I continue to believe that I can devote myself to getting this marriage back on track if there is nothing to get back on track? I feel like I've wasted a good portion of my life with this man, regardless of whether he's gay or not. This is probably a situation that screams for counseling for me but I think I'm afraid to find out what demons may lurk in my own head.... and I am afraid of confessing my own sin (the affair) - we live in a small town and I don't trust anyone to keep their mouths shut. I'm also very afraid that I will come to the conclusion that there is no way but out and will find myself alone at 45 years old with no where to turn. I don't make enough in my own business to support myself and fall apart when I think of being all alone, broke and starting my life over at my age....My own head even seems to be turning on me and the depression, crying jags and total hopelessness are driving me into the ground. Each day is getting harder and harder to take and there seems to be no light at the end of tunnel at all. I used to think I could always still see a little speck of light but it's not there anymore....

[Katja]

Stacey,

 

One more thing. You may have it tough at frst, but women who divorce often do surprisingly well. Even though they may not have jobs that pay as well, women are often better at managing money and living within their means.

 

I, for one, am thrilled to be out of debt, though I don't have much money. I'm getting to travel more, because people ask me along, and generally living better than before!

 

Take care,

 

Katja

[Stacey]

Thanks for your encouraging words. Right now things are at a standstill. We foolishly signed a contract to build a new house a while back and are now stuck with that decision. We have to finish that up, sell our old house and resolve 18 years worth of junk. I do feel that my sex drive is normal and that his is abnormal. He told me this weekend that he sees no sense in continuing HIS counseling because it's not going to solve OUR issues. Unfortunately, I have no desire or interest in going to MARITAL counseling - I'm tired, worn out and just going from day to day trying to get thru all this. Eventually, and soon, we will have to face reality and get moving on with our lives. I feel that we will be going in separate directions because I cannot convince myself that I want to live in this marriage with no intimacy and I have no desire to have that intimacy with him. I've done all the work to this point and it's gotten me nowhere. I'm still sleeping in the spare bedroom - we talk like normal about everyday things and happenings and I am sure he feels that things will work out - despite the fact that I have been very clear that I am not interested in counseling or sex with him. It's a stalemate at this point and I'm just living with it until the stupid things that life throws at you are resolved - finances, finishing the new house, selling it and our old house, etc. etc. etc. I'm letting myself just go with it at this point because I'm too tired to fight.

[Katja]

Dear Stacey,

 

It is difficult to get all the financial entanglements settled. We are still working on that. Like you, we built a new house a few years back. It is (finally) about to be sold. That will clear up the rest of the financial ties, I hope.

 

Hang in there, and look to the future. You will get where you want to be eventually. Just don't get in a rut and stay there if you're not happy.

 

Good luck!

 

Katja

Thanks for your encouraging words. Right now things are at a standstill. We foolishly signed a contract to build a new house a while back and are now stuck with that decision. We have to finish that up, sell our old house and resolve 18 years worth of junk. I do feel that my sex drive is normal and that his is abnormal. He told me this weekend that he sees no sense in continuing HIS counseling because it's not going to solve OUR issues. Unfortunately, I have no desire or interest in going to MARITAL counseling - I'm tired, worn out and just going from day to day trying to get thru all this. Eventually, and soon, we will have to face reality and get moving on with our lives. I feel that we will be going in separate directions because I cannot convince myself that I want to live in this marriage with no intimacy and I have no desire to have that intimacy with him. I've done all the work to this point and it's gotten me nowhere. I'm still sleeping in the spare bedroom - we talk like normal about everyday things and happenings and I am sure he feels that things will work out - despite the fact that I have been very clear that I am not interested in counseling or sex with him. It's a stalemate at this point and I'm just living with it until the stupid things that life throws at you are resolved - finances, finishing the new house, selling it and our old house, etc. etc. etc. I'm letting myself just go with it at this point because I'm too tired to fight.

[Jim]

Hi Stacey,

 

I am sure that I will get a lot of flack from my answer

 

to you but here goes, the way I see it, you have three

 

choices. The first, stay with him and know it is not

 

going to get any better. The second, stay with him and

 

have an affair with someone who feels as you do. But feel no

 

guilt, because you do not deserve too. Third and final,

 

divorce him and make a new life.

 

Now i am a 55 y.o. male in a very similiar situation and

 

struggling with similiar problems. My sexual desire seems

 

to grow stronger while my wifes decreases. If you would like

 

to compare notes and talk further, please write me at

 

<e-mail address removed>.

 

Jim

The saga continues and is only getting worse... If you're reading this, Ryan - I'm the one with the continuing "Still a mess" theme going on! My husband went to one, YES ONE, counseling session and that appears to be it on his end. I'm still sleeping in the spare bedroom, at his request and the topper is that the guy I had the brief affair with and broke it off with 2 weeks ago is back calling me.... Temptation is rearing it's ugly head again and I know in my heart that to get back into an affair with this guy would be totally wrong and I am trying my VERY best to stay away from it.

 

What I cannot deal with is the hopelessness that has invaded my life now. I've always been a very optimistic person but right now I'm so low I have to look up to see the bottom. A few days ago, I talked with a friend who is a psychologist. Not in a patient/doctor way but more the "I have a friend" kind of thing - looking for his input into why he would think a man in a marital relationship of 18 years would have sex with his wife no more than 15 times in all those years(that's my estimate, it's probably less) - a situation that has, at long last, reached crisis stage in my marriage and led me to have an affair in the first place. He asked a lot of questions and, truthfully, I think he knew I was talking about my own marriage but didn't say anything. I was very honest and upfront with him and then he totally shocked me by saying that from what I'd told him that my husband may be a latent homosexual!! I totally freaked. Not because I am homophobic but because I totally can't believe this would be true. That I would have been so stupid for all these years not to figure out if our sexual problems were because of this. Also in the last few days, I was talking to another friend who said she had seen my husband "out" a few times and kinda wondered why he was where he was and without me. She would not elaborate and say exactly where because she didn't want to start "any trouble" or "get involved". Some friend.... So, next thing I do is sit down with my husband and ask him directly "are you gay?". He says no and then gets up and walks away - end of conversation. I still can't believe this would be true but I have to know for sure and don't know how to get a truthful answer that, at this point, I will even believe. Given the level of the intimacy problems we have had in our marriage and looking back, now, over the years, it begins to make some sense but I still don't want to believe it. On the other hand, if this IS the problem, I have wasted 18 years of my life, love and soul on a man who will never be interested in satisfying me sexually. HOW can I ever continue in this marriage? The seeds of doubt have been planted and I don't know how to root out the truth. NOW, I am totally confused, depressed and can't seem to stop crying long enough to think straight. How can I continue to believe that I can devote myself to getting this marriage back on track if there is nothing to get back on track? I feel like I've wasted a good portion of my life with this man, regardless of whether he's gay or not. This is probably a situation that screams for counseling for me but I think I'm afraid to find out what demons may lurk in my own head.... and I am afraid of confessing my own sin (the affair) - we live in a small town and I don't trust anyone to keep their mouths shut. I'm also very afraid that I will come to the conclusion that there is no way but out and will find myself alone at 45 years old with no where to turn. I don't make enough in my own business to support myself and fall apart when I think of being all alone, broke and starting my life over at my age....My own head even seems to be turning on me and the depression, crying jags and total hopelessness are driving me into the ground. Each day is getting harder and harder to take and there seems to be no light at the end of tunnel at all. I used to think I could always still see a little speck of light but it's not there anymore....

[LoveAngel]

I won't even waste my time commenting on your "choices."

Now i am a 55 y.o. male in a very similiar situation and struggling with similiar problems. My sexual desire seems to grow stronger while my wifes decreases. If you would like to compare notes and talk further, please write me at <e-mail address removed>.

Wow. You are relentless, aren't you?

 

LoveAngel