Second chance didnt work - heartbroken

[destination_unknown]

Hi,

 

Newbie here, hopefully i will get and can give some advice here!

 

I met the guy 4.5 years ago, we were working together. We became very good friends and I didnt know that he had feelings for me. We got together. I wasnt head over heels in love with him but I did grow to love him very much over the course of 2.5 years we were together.

 

The problem was I was very messed up, I was only 20 when we got together and I had serious self-hatred issues due to childhood abuse. I cheated on him (not because I didnt love him, because I hated myself and I was drinking when I shouldnt have been.) Of course he got tired of it, and left. I dont blame him, i treated him very badly and he repeatedly took me back and was so good to me.

 

I have changed myself, for myself not to get him back, over the two years we were apart. We kept in contact just via text message. I didnt want to ask him to come back until I truly felt that I had fixed myself, but loved him the whole time we were apart.

 

When I felt that I could offer him what he had wanted in the first place, i told him i loved him and wanted to try if he felt he could forgive me. It took a while for him to come around, we went on a two dates and then slept together. He got spooked and left, I think it was too fast for him. I continued trying to show him I had changed. Then one night when he was really drunk he told me that he had never got over me, still loved me and we should get back together. He took it all back the next day and said he didnt want anything to do with me. I was really hurt by this, but I didnt expect that just because I had changed that would mean all the hurt I caused him would be undone.

 

I still loved him so much it hurt, after 2 years apart, but i didnt think there was any chance he would be able to forgive me, so i went on a date with somebody.

 

Then my ex asked me to meet up with him and his friends, so i did. It was so hard for me to be there and not be upset. I wanted to be his friend because we were best friends through all the crap so I wanted to salvage that. During the time we were out with his friends I felt my emotions were overcoming me, so I said I was going to head off early. I didnt want him to see me cry or make him confused. I got about 50 yards away from where and realised he was coming after me but I couldnt control my tears so I kept on walking.

 

He finally caught up with me and I told him it was just to hard for me to be around him when I still loved him. He said he still loved me too and again that he never got over me. We reconciled and I was so happy. I think he was happy too. We started to get close again. And I think he got spooked again, he hadnt told anyone we were back together and didnt want to bring me out with his friends. I understood this even though it really hurt.

 

I stupidly said I was confused about how he felt about me, I thought he was hiding me and that pushed him away even further. He said he couldnt talk about it for a few weeks because he was busy. I tried to diffuse the situation by asking him for dinner or a movie. I got little in the way of a response. It was selfish of me, I should have given him space, but I felt like he didnt want to make it work and I was hurting too much so I told him I didnt want us to be together if he was going to treat me like crap. Stupid after all he put up with from me when we were together first time around. I didnt really mean it, and i know its childish to say that if you dont mean it. He called my bluff.

 

Then he said he loved me and would come and talk to me on a particular day, but when the day came he said he didnt want to have any contact with me, I didnt see him I just got a message saying that. Of course being hurt and not knowing what made him change his mind about working on it made me frantic and I called and sent alot of messages. I know thats the worst thing I could have done, but I just wanted to know what had happened and what was going through his head. He has never been one for talking things through, when we got back together we said if a problem came up we would talk about it, but he couldnt. So I have heard nothing from him, except that he doesnt hate me.

 

I am going to try so hard to not contact him. I sent a letter trying to explain that I had been over-emotional and insecure becuase we had a few false starts. I told him I respected his decision that he didnt want me in his life and that I wished him well. I guess it was selfish of me in the first place to try to win him back but my intentions were good and I did want to make it work. I guess sometimes when you hurt somebody there is no going back. I think the love is still there, and the spark certainly was, but I had just messed things up too badly.

 

My heart is broken and I know I only have myself to blame. Its hard when you know the other person still loves you to let them go, even though you really believe it could work if it was worked on, but its just too late for them. Its only been a day since I last contacted him. I suppose I do still have hope deep down that one day we will work it out. I was in love with people before this guy but I never felt about anyone the way I have felt about him. I have so many questions about why it ended and what he feels but if he wont talk to me there is absolutely nothing I can do. It is out of my control. I think there is alot of emotion and feeling going on under the surface for him but he has alot of trouble talking about things.

 

I know I have to let him be, but its so hard when you know that they are trying to make the love they felt for you die because they think things about you that arent true in the present. When you know you ruined your chance with the best person you have been privalged to touch your life.

 

I will probably get slated here and I probably deserve it, because I took for granted such a good hearted person and treated them badly. Its not a case of I realised what I had lost when it was gone. We met at the wrong time when I was too sc**wed up to be ready for a relationship. My loss. The biggest loss of my life.

 

I dont know if there is anything I can do to repair the damage I caused. From reading posts here I guess the only thing I can do is let him go. Heart is truly broken.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Awww honey, I'm so sorry. You sound really sweet.

 

Have a big hug (((( ))))

 

OK, here's the deal. You've done what could be done. You tried to change. You made it clear you wanted him back, it didn't work. In romance, as in the rest of life, there is such a thing as an honourable failure.

 

Here's my advice. Carry on with the lessons you are learning. Move on. Find new activities, be with your friends, do things to distract yourself. Don't initiate contact with him at all for a while, until you are able to treat him as just a friend. This will probably be at least several months. Maybe even a year or two.

 

Bear in mind too, that broken people attract other broken people. He probably has issues too. It's sweet that you have such a high opinion of him, but it sounds to me like his character has been a big factor in this break up too. Don't hate him for this, but bear in mind that it's time now for you to get on with your life.

[destination_unknown]

Thanks so much, I know what you say about moving on is true. I have been sitting in my pyjamas crying for the last 12 or so days, its ridiculous. I know its not going to change anything except make me more upset if i indulge myself in being depressed. I just dont know anything anymore.

 

I am going back to the gym tomorrow and back to work. I know I have to go on, i'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might never truly get over this. It never went away the two years we were apart, I still missed him, the hurt didnt go away and I didnt want to be with anyone else. I did try going on a few dates and I just didnt feel anything for them.

 

Is it wrong to hope that NC might bring him back? Im probably just setting myself up for more heartbreak if I allow myself to hope, but as hard as I try to tell myself its over the maybe he will come back thoughts pop in constantly. I know I have to have no contact with him whether it brings him back or just to get over it. We dont have the same friends anymore and he wont be anywhere I will be so there isnt going to be any bumping into each other if this is the end. I dont know whether thats a good thing or a bad thing.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Thanks so much, I know what you say about moving on is true. I have been sitting in my pyjamas crying for the last 12 or so days, its ridiculous.

 

Don't worry - this is normal. We've all been there.

 

 

I am going back to the gym tomorrow and back to work. I know I have to go on

 

Good move. This is the right approach. There will be good days and bad days of course, but taking control will make you feel better, I promise.

 

 

i'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I might never truly get over this. It never went away the two years we were apart, I still missed him, the hurt didnt go away and I didnt want to be with anyone else.

 

You will get over him. You'll have to trust me on this - it doesn't feel like it right now, but the feelings will slowly dissipate with time.

 

 

Is it wrong to hope that NC might bring him back? Im probably just setting myself up for more heartbreak if I allow myself to hope

 

Yes, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. You have tried twice. Now it's time to let him go. Work on your issues, do the self-improvement thing, and one day you'll be with someone twice as good. Your feelings will tell you otherwise, but they're just feelings. Let them be for the time being. They'll change eventually.

 

Honey, all the stuff you're doing to change means your future is so bright. Your heart just doesn't know it yet.

[CaliGuy]

Excellent advice, RR. I agree with you. Now is the time for her to respect herself. That she it gave it a Yeoman's effort and it didn't work. Chin up! You have learned a lot and improved yourself.

 

The next good man to come into your life will benefit from your lessons learned and you will have a happy, healthy relationship. No game playing!

[destination_unknown]

oh god, i dont know what to do.

 

I just got a reply to a letter that I sent. It wasnt a begging letter, I explained that I tried to break up with him because i really wasnt sure how he felt and that i thought he was hiding me. (I know this was the wrong thing to do, but I had tried to talk to him about it. He is in serious training for a job that is really important for him and said he couldnt talk for a few weeks. I just didnt believe that. So I tried to break it off with him. I do believe that he is up to his eyes and i know his work is extremely important. I also know others who have gone thru the training and it nearly ruined stable relationships. It was a stupid overdramatic move to make if i didnt really want to finish with him. Its just hard when emotions are running high.)

 

I told him that i loved him but that I respected his decision not to have me in his life. I told him that I would put away those feelings. (Even though i know it would be really hard for me.) I said how confused i was over what had happened.

 

I just got messages from him saying i hadnt changed and had learned nothing, how could he trust me if i couldnt wait for two weeks when he was busy with work. I know in my heart and soul that I have changed but i dont know how to show him that. I know that I should have been patient with him because it would take alot of time for him to trust me again. I mean i did some pretty horrible things when i was on the self destruct button i was destructing him too.

 

So i should be the one grovelling. I grovelled to get him to give me another chance, and he did. I should have respected his need for space but he doesnt talk about stuff with me so i thought he just didnt care that much and was trying to defend myself by finishing with him. I suppose he must have cared because if he wanted a casual relationship with just anybody it would be so much easier to start one with somebody new than risk getting hurt by me again.

 

I dont know how to reply, I dont know how to fix it, i dont know if i can ever make up for the things i did. I just loved him so much that i got insecure. I think he has alot of anger from the past but he got REALLY pissed of when i said that. Trying to read sombodys mind is hard but when they dont tell you much about their feelings i think its inevitable that you try to analyse stuff.

 

Please any advice on what i should say? This guy is an amazing guy and i do actually want to spend the rest of my life with him but i dont know how we can repair the damage. I dont even know if he wants to.

[destination_unknown]

I just sent a message back saying that i was sorry if he felt i was pressuring him when he is at an important time with work. I said i went about it in the wrong manner but it was due to being insecure because i missed him so much when we were apart.

 

I also said that I am actually different, I have no intention of treating myself or people who care about me badly again because i have learned that it wont take pain away (i.e. alcohol or punishing myself) and it wont solve anything. I looked at the road i was going down and decided not to take that one. I am generally happy with myself now and im sorry i hurt people along the way, i cant undo it all i can try to do is make amends.

 

I think its probably too late after so much has happened for him to be able to give me a real chance. I understand that, if i hurt him so badly he might not be able to have an equal relationship with me again.

 

The thing is that he is interpreting things that i do and say as the person i was when we were together and i dont think we can get past that.

 

I feel a bit better that he had the decency to respond to me as i didnt know what was going on in his head before. I can accept it because you just have to dont ya?

 

I will go back to him and do what i can to make it work if he wants to do that. He did the same for me when I was messed up so I owe him that. I also owe myself that. If not i will do my best to get on with things.

 

I think the best thing is for me not to say anything else to him. If he is wants to try again im sure he knows i love him (though unfortunately i think he thinks im manipulating him) so it would be best to give him space. Any opinions, please?

[ReluctantRomeo]

I think its probably too late after so much has happened for him to be able to give me a real chance. I understand that, if i hurt him so badly he might not be able to have an equal relationship with me again.

 

 

It doesn't sound like you have a relationship of equals anyhow. I understand that you need to apologise, compromise and change. But this applies to him too surely? He seems - to me at least - to be acting as your judge, jury and executioner.

 

If he valued you and wanted an equal and loving relationship with you, he would want to meet you half way.

[destination_unknown]

You guys are great, and thanks so much for being supportive. I just found this site and I have been reading alot over the last two days. I think i have learned a good deal.

 

I've had a long hard think about it. I think I might be one of the evil exs that you guys are trying to get over. The only difference is that I when I have contacted him it has been with a genuine intention of wanting to work on things and try to make a life for us. Not to snoop or mess with his head. Not to flit in and out of his life when I dont have anyone else, because I never wanted anyone else.

 

I analysed how I had been thinking/behaving when we got back together in December. (After nearly two years). I was being selfish in that I wasnt thinking about how it was for him.

 

He must have felt he was taking a big risk in getting back together with me as he was very affected by how I was when we were first together. (My sister told me how he cried after one of my stupid stunts and said he loved me but just couldnt take anymore - great that she tells me now!)

 

So I am sure that he was probably scared to be too veunerable and express affection / attachment to me. And all I could think about was my feelings of rejection and my feelings of fear at him being withdrawn. Instead I should have realised that he cared about me enough to take a risk and let me back in and I should have given him more time to evaluate the changes in me. Instead I thought about my loneliness and how my needs for affection werent being met and tried to finish with him so I wouldnt get more hurt. Thus, making him think he couldnt trust me again.

 

I sent a condensed message saying this. I let him down. I'm almost 100% sure its too late. At least he will know that I take responsibility. So thats it, I guess I should give up because I cant fix it. The best thing that I can do is leave him alone to get on with his life. I want the best for him. If I have to suffer a broken heart now thats my karma.

 

I dont hate myself entirely (thats where my problems started in the first place so at least ive learned that doesnt solve anything.) but you know when your a kid you just have this notion that your going to do things right. I'm glad I see what I have done wrong just wish I could have picked up on that alot sooner. I suppose thats what life is all about, learning from mistakes.

 

The missing him, the regret, the mourning, the hope lost and the guilt are tearing me up inside. Its my own doing so I shouldnt even be on here.

[destination_unknown]

So, im back.

 

Theres been a bit of stuff going on, but im not really sure what to do with it.

 

First off, i got a couple of texts saying he loves me and hates me, that he cant get me out of his mind. I replied saying i understand that if he feels like i betrayed his trust that he might feel like he hates me, that i love him and i wish we could work it out.

 

So then couple of days later i got a message saying he accepts my apology and doesnt really hate me and asking how i was.

 

i kinda broke a few days later and said how much i missed him being beside me and talking with him. To that he replied with a little joke about was it just talking that i missed. then he asked about some people i had visiting, so i just told him about that.

 

so i guess there is alot of emotion going on under the surface for him and im not sure if he is confused or just really wants to let me go and is finding that hard or is waiting for me to make some grand gesture to prove my love for him.

 

of course, as usual then i flucked up. i am terrible with birthdays, i mean everyones birthdays. i thought it was his bday and texted asking, to which i just got "No" as a reply. i think hes pissed off about that. i know its stupid if i love him so much i dont know his birthday and yes its flaky.

 

me on the other hand, i have been trying hard to be busy and happy, which was going well until i got pretty sick so have to be in bed - thinking, thinking, thinking. I've booked a holiday, run miles at the gym, done retail therapy and still when i wake up and when i am going to sleep or right now when im sick i just think about him.

 

i dont know if the right thing to do is not contact or contact. any advice?

should i ask him if he just wants to hang out sometime or should i wait for him to contact me again? I hurt him so much in the past.

 

i love this man, i dont want to play games.