blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 It will be seven years ago tomorrow that I was raped the second time in my life. This is the first year I will not have alcohol to numb myself. Normally by this time of the year I'm actively f***ed up on at least 4 or 5 different substances. Since that year I have not gone through this time sober. Now, I am. Last night, genius that I am, I watched "North Country" which depicts a graphic rape scene not once, but twice. The woman in the movie was also victimized twice. I have often wanted to get over what happened to me. I've tried everything I could. I tried not thinking about it. Distracting myself with work, studies, relationships, self-destructive habits. I've tried yoga, meditation, physical activity, breathing exercises, multiple therapists. I've never tried acceptance, though. I hate what happened to me. I hate that I couldn't get out of the room. That I didn't sense that something was bad about this man. I should have. I have one responsibility - to protect myself. And I failed, miserably. And I Just Can't Get Over It. I never pressed charges. I was afraid. He was a law student. I didn't want people to tell me I was lying, or trying to get attention. So I trained myself to fade away. For years I didn't even allow myself to acknowledge that anything had happened to me. I rationalized it. I said that I probably spoke too softly when I asked him to stop. Maybe he didn't hear me. I know I get unintelligible when I'm upset and crying. Maybe he thought it was normal. Maybe MY expectation was wrong. Maybe I'm just crazy. The thing that really messed with me was how he noticed I was upset. And he took time, 4 hours, to coach me into thinking that there was something wrong with me. He spent hours filling my head with the craziest s*** and I just sat in the middle of his bed, half naked because he wouldn't give me my clothes, feeling completely and totally numb. I just stared at him. I didn't know what to do. But I felt like, if I responded or did anything, I might get hurt. So I took it. Because I was afraid. And he took me home. I was so confused. I didn't know what to think because he had grilled me for 4 hours, telling me what to think, what to say, who to talk to. It was surreal. Because I just did what he told me to. I was like a marionette. I wish I hadn't been afraid. That I had risked getting hurt or killed to get away from him. That's all I have to say. I don't know what I am going to do. What should I do? I need to do something so I don't sit at home thinking about how that night changed my life forever, for the worse.... Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I doubt there's anything that any of us here could say that you haven't heard already. Keep reminding yourself that this wasn't your fault. A sick man raped and brainwashed you. You've been through more at your age than most of us will go through in a life time. It's incredibly brave of you to have gone through this, fought addiction, and are just living through the days sober. I don't think there are many people out there strong enough to do this. It says a lot about your character. You WILL get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 This is the first year I will not have alcohol to numb myself. Normally by this time of the year I'm actively f***ed up on at least 4 or 5 different substances. Since that year I have not gone through this time sober. Now, I am. Congratulations BO. At least this is progress of a sort. Last night, genius that I am, I watched "North Country" which depicts a graphic rape scene not once, but twice. The woman in the movie was also victimized twice. Hmmm. Why is it that we are always fascinating by the thing that could hurt us the most? That's all I have to say. I don't know what I am going to do. What should I do? I need to do something so I don't sit at home thinking about how that night changed my life forever, for the worse.... I don't know either I could suggest that you remember progress you have made since that day. And that you remember all the good things about Otter, your intelligence, your humour, etc. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Thanks to you guys. I don't know what to do....I guess I really should spend this time reflecting. I do that so much nowadays. Empty evening yawning in front of me like an oubliette. To distrct myself further would only be a return to those old habits, in a new form.... Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Maybe it's time for you to stop reflecting and start finding happiness. There must be something you enjoy outside of alcohol and drugs (and relationships). Are you able to focus any of your energy on that? Link to post Share on other sites
qnmc Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 First of all, thank you for sharing this. Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that this happened to you. Though I can't possibly have a clue what it must feel like for you, my hope is that by sharing your experiences, this may in some way be a cathartic experience for you. On that note, if it does indeed help to write about it I wonder if it would help to talk about it on the anniversary. One thing that pops into my head is calling a rape hotline, as it might help just to talk it out more with people who truly understand for as long as you need to. Be proud of yourself that you are going about it differently this year without the substances. As with RR, you are so in my thoughts and prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Thanks to you guys. I don't know what to do....I guess I really should spend this time reflecting. I do that so much nowadays. Empty evening yawning in front of me like an oubliette. To distrct myself further would only be a return to those old habits, in a new form.... Maybe that's the point BO? Maybe it's time you didn't distract yourself from the memory and the thoughts. Maybe it's time to soberly get through this day and reflect on what happened to you and how far you have come. Maybe it's time. Eh I know nothing really! Your last line just caught something in me... like a gut instinct that says, maybe that's the point. Not to distract yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Not for a long time. It's been 7 years I've used alcohol or drugs to numb the feelings and I simply do not remember what to do. What the right thing to do is, or the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 You did it! Yeah! You told. I felt this incredible wave of compassionate, healing energy as I read your post. You are participating in your own healing now. This guy was good at evil. The really evil ones are so that you don't suspect anything's wrong until too late. And you did protect yourself in the midst of everything. You did the only thing you thought you could at the time. And you survived. Quit beating yourself up for this. In your active imagination, ask the vulnerable crying part of you for forgiveness and see what happens. For more on active imagination (in case you don't already know): http://www.innerself.com/Behavior_Modification/active.htm (I have sometimes abdicated my ego in this process, which is not helpful) and http://www.innerself.com/Behavior_Modification/active.htm What can you do tonight? Go to a meeting. Be with friends. Stay on LS. Sometime when you're ready, watch the movie Speak!. Your psyche is pushing you toward healing. You told what happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 The right thing, the right way, is what ever works for you. Whatever you feel. Your words have really touched me today. I felt something, a tangible sensation when I read them. Maybe I picked up what Becoming did. Maybe because its seeing someone taking another huge step. Regardless of where are tonight, or what you end up doing. My thoughts and healing will sent you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 I am going to rent Jumanji and the Secret Garden tonight. This is the first time I've ever gone over it in any kind of detail. I resisted when CBT therapists tried to MAKE me re-experience the trauma. I would even get into arguments with them about who was in control of my therapeutic process, me or them?? I had to find a way to talk about it in my own time. Maybe it was good to watch that movie......I accept it. It happened. It's ok. It's not happening to me anymore. I realized that after I had that intense flashback last night. Part of me has continually been going through this since it happened. I consigned part of myself to hell. I feel like I have found salvation, and I am no longer in hell any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 When my therapist led me to revisit past traumatic abuse experiences, I WHINED and WIMPERED like a little child, "Do we really have to go there? I don't want to." And Smart Cookie therapist just nodded sympathetically and said, "Only if you want to be free of the power it holds over you so you can be healed. But it's up to you." Made all the difference in the world. I'd watch Jumanji first and then the Secret Garden. Maybe with some journalling after each. And then doing something just for you. I go buy myself flowers or buy a special dinner or swim or shop or take a hot bath with candles, music, and a nice glass of something like an non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice in a crystal wine glass. Now I really have to sign off here and get some work done. But please know I'll be holding you to the light, as the Quakers say of prayer--the healing light that you are now walking toward. Yeah, you! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 B_O, you have to stop torturing yourself about this. It's a fight that you need to win and you've been losing it for 7 years, because you don't fight your feelings back. And that reminds you of how you didn't fight that night. Then you hate yourself even more. As you know, I've been sexually abused my ex step-monster. The first thing that helped was when mom dumped him after being told about it; the next thing was getting my anger out of me... I even got it out on my mom, and it was totally not her fault. I've gone from thinking of myself as a whore to accepting that I was a victim that did nothing wrong. I've done a great job without therapists, support groups or books. I did everything I could to help myself and I am proud of the tough person I see in the mirror. But most of all, I decided to take control over my life and just learn to deal with this wound - not touch it. There is so much we can do. This is happening right now to thousands of girls all over the world. I wish all these people could die in horrible pain, including the step-monster who did it to me, but I can't kill them all and obviously nature is not very compassionate when it lets these monsters live and enjoy themselves. If you start thinking like that, you will go crazy, right? I was self-medicating myself with alcohol too and it screwed me up even more. So I decided that no one and nothing will have control over me: not the memories, not the alcohol, not the injustice or the pain. I am safe now, I am out of that sh*t, and my life is good. I don't want to think about it. I refuse to let it destroy me. There are people who suffer physical consequences from other people's mistakes (car accidents, wars, etc.). I am a whole person, young, healthy, and strong. And so are you, my dear! Don't let it ruin your life. Life can be so beautiful. Take a big breath and persuade yourself that you are doing just fine. It will either eat you or you will eat it. You have the power over it. It's just a memory in your head. You must have a goal to bury the pain and kill it before it kills you. Once you have a goal, you will know how to achieve it. Just a few months ago I wanted to finally sue the bastard. I also wanted to join some support group and help other victims or contribute to preventing this crime from happening in the future to other children. But I moved to the US, have a new life, and feel great now. I choose to be happy rather than deal with the pain from the past. You can do it too. Instead of grieving, invite friends and have a party tomorrow. Celebrate that day, because nothing bad is happening to you anymore. You're one step forward now that you're sober. Of course, you can always press the charges against him, ruin his life, and feel better about yourself. You are probably not the only victim so you might as well see him in jail. So why not do it? Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I really felt for you when I was reading what you went through. Thankfully when I was abused I was very young so I blocked most of it out literally couldnt remember anything but the wallpaper. When it did finally start to come back to me I did what you did, I drank and kept do anything I could to punish myself. I slept around, I allowed people to treat me like crap, I treated myself like crap, I ruined what could have been an amazing love, I tried to hurt myself. None of this helped, in fact it only made everything worse. Like a snowball. I think you have already discovered that denial, self blame and self punishment will not give you peace. I think what littlekitty said may be very applicable to you. Everyone is different, but actually aknowledging your pain and allowing yourself to really grieve may help you. Face the pain as much as you can but make sure you have some support becuase it can be dangerous to try to go through something like this without a lifeline. Make sure you call a friend if you think its getting to much for you. Do not listen to any dialogue of im no good, i could have done something, why couldnt i get over this until now. Force yourself to say out loud how proud you are that you are facing this. My thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Do not listen to any dialogue of "im no good, i could have done something, why couldnt i get over this until now." Yes, this is so right. It took me forever, though, to even hear this inner dialogue. It was like whispers I couldn't make out. Now whenever I do hear one, I cry, "Now, Stop!" I was wondering about hunting this guy down, too, but I dunno. Sounds like too much time and energy to waste on the worthless piece of . . . It'd be fun to give him a prank phone call, "Have you raped anymore dates lately?" and then hang up. From a pay phone. In a town you're visiting. I like RP's party idea. You need to start claiming your power as a survivor and not a "stupid victim." Helping others survive is also extremely therapeutic. Hearing others' violence would be too triggering at this pt. but maybe volunteering at an animal shelter or something would be another good way to celebrate. Or just go visit a shelter. Or even bring a fluffy buddy home if you already don't have pets. You're starting a whole new era in your life. Don't forget to celebrate the future even as you face the horror of the past. (Hmmm. I need to hear that, too.) Link to post Share on other sites
Coochie Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 "And you did protect yourself in the midst of everything. You did the only thing you thought you could at the time. And you survived. Quit beating yourself up for this." I totally agree with this statment BO. You survived this experience because your instinct kicked in and showed you how to react in the safest way possible. You've been doing that for the last 7 years too. Keeping yourself safe, in the best way you knew. Now you can be free. You ARE safe, you ARE strong and you WILL get through this. You know that you can do it without self medicating and it seems like you have thought through a 'safety plan' to get through this day. Good luck love, my thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 So how are you today, Otter? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 The thing that really messed with me was how he noticed I was upset. And he took time, 4 hours, to coach me into thinking that there was something wrong with me. Great big hugs, Otter. You've confronted your demons and sooner or later the time will come when he has to confront his. I should imagine they'll suffocate him pretty quickly. You're amazing. Big hugs again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 I feel pretty crappalicious today, woke up in a foul mood, hit the snooze button a bunch. I wanted to thank you guys for listening and helping me through this day. Re-read the responses....I actually did see him, once, at a bar, about a year after it happened. I was engaged at the time and my now ex-H didn't really know what had happened. He walked up to me and gave me a hug and I was stiff. He said kinda casually that he had passed the bar, so he's a lawyer now....he had used that as a threat against me, when it happened - "I'm a law student, blah dee blah blah". I don't even know if I want to dig all that up. At least right now, I'm so recently sober and all that comes with that. The first thing I thought when I woke up was, by this time I've always been obliterated. Start thursday night, don't stop until monday morning. I feel like...tingling sensations in my skin. Like a new set of clothes? Sorta uncomfortable, but not so bad, really....not SO bad. Not as bad as I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Just to let you know you're being remembered. Or is that re-membered? :love: to you this day. May healing light be the only thing that penetrates you today (unless of course you want an incarnation;)). :love: Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I'm glad you're doing ok BO. Stay strong, keep going. Hugs!! Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 When I was going through a bad time, I had this tingling sensation, too. I've talked to others who felt it as well. Mine was like someone gently putting an arm around me. It was weird but comforting. It felt like a good kind of (divine?) energy surrounding me. I wish that for you today and the next few. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 Yeah that's what I'm talking about. It feels unfamiliar. Maybe all the good vibrations from ya'll... Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I could never really understand nor imagine the torment you went through, & still are, and my words always feel so inadequate in these situations. Hugs, thoughts, prayers, condolences --- all coming your way. The first thing I thought when I woke up was, by this time I've always been obliterated. Start thursday night, don't stop until monday morning. And wasn't it good to wake up without a hangover? Not to have that horrible depression & those nuns swimming in your head? Not to have to pace & wait until you can have that first drink & start the whole process over again? What a hurdle you've passed today! Congratulations!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 Not to have to pace & wait until you can have that first drink & start the whole process over again? What a hurdle you've passed today! Congratulations!! This is what kept me from drinking the most last night! I thought to myself, what would I write to all my supportive friends on LS if I failed myself again? No way. Not going through that. Better to be upset than obliterated and having to answer to you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
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