An anniversary

[littlekitty]

We have our uses!!

[bluechocolate]

This is what kept me from drinking the most last night! I thought to myself, what would I write to all my supportive friends on LS if I failed myself again? No way. Not going through that. Better to be upset than obliterated and having to answer to you guys.

Ha! You must have been channeling or something yesterday, lots of weird flash backs & free floating anxiety in the air!

 

And hey - whatever keeps you from drinking!!

[blind_otter]

Really, BC...that thread about the teenaged hos was scintillating.

[Art_Critic]

This is what kept me from drinking the most last night! I thought to myself, what would I write to all my supportive friends on LS if I failed myself again? No way. Not going through that. Better to be upset than obliterated and having to answer to you guys.

 

... it's good that we could be there for you without being there for you.

[blind_otter]

I felt the ghostly voice of Art in my ear saying "noooooo, don't driiiiiiiink, log onto LS and flirt with meeeeeee"

[enki]

Blind Otter, like you, I had to do what was necessary to stay alive. (Full story another time: today is your day, your recognition of your triumph!)

 

The wonderful support from so many people here has shown how right you were to take the path you did, and please accept sincere congratulations for your courage and integrity. Yes, and strength too: you may not feel strong yet, but just you wait! You'll realise how strong you have been one day, and then your stars really will shine!

 

You have time on your side. Law students take quite a few years to achieve prominence in their profession. You don't ever have to do anything to embarrass this perverted little worm; but if you ever wish to, you can pick the time and place, and you can decide how to take him to pieces, very slowly or very fast. You are in control! You can plan and fantasise for years if you want to, honing and perfecting in your own imagination how to make this more than a revenge. You can create an artistic masterpiece.

 

And all the time, you are becoming stronger and stronger.

 

And what's he doing? Running away from his guilt, because no matter how hard he tries, he will know deep down that he has broken the law, violated every criterion of decency, and prostituted his own intellect to justify his perverted sense of power.

 

(Rape is about violence, not sex. If someone hits you over the head with a shovel, do we call that gardening?)

 

Think how good he's going to feel if he ever has to act in a rape trial.

 

And one day; he'll never know when: one day you just might reappear out of his past, when he's a "respectable" married man in a big law firm. One day he might have to stare full frontal, point blank, into the eyes of the Otter!

[Art_Critic]

I felt the ghostly voice of Art in my ear saying "noooooo, don't driiiiiiiink, log onto LS and flirt with meeeeeee"

 

 

hahahaha.. it wasn't the ghostly voice.. it was the ghastly voice

[blind_otter]

I remember he would come over to my house at random times. Come by my work. I guess it was stalking. I was so cowed that I didn't stand up to him. I said nothing. Tried to be nice. Did what he told me to. Just became utterly passive in his presence, like a deer in the headlights.

 

I think from how he spoke to me that he must have done this before, to other women. Once a girl pointed him out to her friend, in a bar, and when I asked why she did that and didn't come over, he said that he had had sex with her and she was still hung up on him....but her expression didn't say that. She was angry and disgusted.

 

My parents don't know what happened, to this day. They just know "something" did and all of a sudden I started drinking and doing drugs. Like over night. I wonder sometimes if I should tell them but my Dad is so ill. He's not strong at all right now, he's dying. But would they feel relieved after everything, to know why I did what I did and that I am getting better, finally? THey know I'm in AA.

[Outcast]

Not sure if I have time to read the whole thread now, but I'd suggest renting Thelma and Louise. Don't emulate them, though.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Don't emulate them, though.

 

For starters, their dress sense is appalling

[bluechocolate]

My parents don't know what happened, to this day. They just know "something" did and all of a sudden I started drinking and doing drugs. Like over night. I wonder sometimes if I should tell them but my Dad is so ill. He's not strong at all right now, he's dying. But would they feel relieved after everything, to know why I did what I did and that I am getting better, finally? THey know I'm in AA.

I don't know Otter. Given what I've read about your parents..... do you think they'll understand? You certainly shouldn't keep it a secret simply out of shame, I'm just not sure what you'd accomplish by telling them right now. I don't really know, very tricky.....

[blind_otter]

I dunno it they would understand. I guess ideally they would.

 

In my imagination, an expression of recognition dawns across my mother's face and suddenly her whole body language opens up. She embraces me and understands suddenly why I messed up my life for so long. She admits that she loves me. We skip off into the sunset arm in arm, smiling gleefully. Or like mental patients.

 

But the reality would be different and much more disappointing. And my Dad's in no shape to talk about this kind of stuff. I know that men tend to have bad reactions to this kind of news and want to maim or castrate the offender, usually.

[Lonestar]

The Secret Garden... one of my favorite books when I was a little girl, saw the movie too. I use to fantasize that I had a garden like that where I could go to and all my pain would go away.

 

Otter, from what I do know about you, you're a very strong woman and you're going to get through this day this year and next year and all the years after. Sharing what happened to you is a huge step in healing and I'm very proud of you for taking that step. I've never shared this on LS before, but I will for you. When I was 12 a trusted family member molested me. I was fed alcohol and then coerced into letting him perform sexual acts on me. It stuck with me for a very long time because I felt that part of it was my fault. My 20s were spent engaging in self-destructive behavior, mostly with alcohol and suicidal tendencies at times. I could not shake the shame. At 18 I married a physically abusive man who would beat the crap out of me when he was drunk. When he would demand sex, I would lay there motionless and let him get it over with, because I was afraid to say no. The beatings got more intense and I left him in less than a year. I went on a downward spiral for a good decade. I only used drugs in my teen years, but alcohol was a huge part of my life after that because it numbed the memories.

 

Eventually I reached a point where if I didn't change my direction in life, my children would have suffered and possibly not have a mother. They were my motivation to learn how to heal and stop the destructive behavior. I still suffer from the damage of much abuse that happened in my childhood, but I don't think about it often these days and not because I'm ignoring it, but because I dealt with it head on. There are still many residual scars that affect my life and actions on a daily basis, but this is ME, and I like me.

 

I admire you for the approach you're taking now to heal from the violations you suffered. I know you'll get through it and will come out the other end even stronger than you are now. If you need anything at all, just ask.

[Becoming]

Maybe try your mother first and then what she has to say about telling your father? The decision has ultimately got to be yours, you know, but it doesn't hurt to get input from those more in the know than we can be. Like I don't really know about your current relationship with Mom, so maybe that's outa line.

[blind_otter]

The Secret Garden... one of my favorite books when I was a little girl, saw the movie too. I use to fantasize that I had a garden like that where I could go to and all my pain would go away.

 

Otter, from what I do know about you, you're a very strong woman and you're going to get through this day this year and next year and all the years after. Sharing what happened to you is a huge step in healing and I'm very proud of you for taking that step. I've never shared this on LS before, but I will for you. When I was 12 a trusted family member molested me. I was fed alcohol and then coerced into letting him perform sexual acts on me. It stuck with me for a very long time because I felt that part of it was my fault. My 20s were spent engaging in self-destructive behavior, mostly with alcohol and suicidal tendencies at times. I could not shake the shame. At 18 I married a physically abusive man who would beat the crap out of me when he was drunk. When he would demand sex, I would lay there motionless and let him get it over with, because I was afraid to say no. The beatings got more intense and I left him in less than a year. I went on a downward spiral for a good decade. I only used drugs in my teen years, but alcohol was a huge part of my life after that because it numbed the memories.

 

Eventually I reached a point where if I didn't change my direction in life, my children would have suffered and possibly not have a mother. They were my motivation to learn how to heal and stop the destructive behavior. I still suffer from the damage of much abuse that happened in my childhood, but I don't think about it often these days and not because I'm ignoring it, but because I dealt with it head on. There are still many residual scars that affect my life and actions on a daily basis, but this is ME, and I like me.

 

I admire you for the approach you're taking now to heal from the violations you suffered. I know you'll get through it and will come out the other end even stronger than you are now. If you need anything at all, just ask.

 

Thank you for sharings, Lonestar. That was brave.

[Outcast]

OK, I did have time. I think going for some sort of catharsis might be worthwhile. How DARE that bastard do that to you? You are perfectly right to be angry - just direct it at him. I'd find a pillow I didn't particularly like and vent my fury at it. Or write a long long letter telling him exactly what a piece of scum he is - not necessarily to send; although typing it up and sending it anonymously to his law firm and not including a lot of specifics (so he won't know which of his victims did it - that'll make him sweat that much more) might be just the ticket.

 

As for not wanting to relive the trauma - that's what the EMDR folks do, among others. And what they then do is help you to disconnect the feelings from the event; in effect unhooking the emotions from the memory so that the feelings don't torment you. I'd highly recommend trying it.

[blind_otter]

Yeah I've been investigating it. I have to interview them on the phone before I agree to an appointment since I have a good idea of what DOESN'T work with me....the last lady I set up an appointment with had a family member die and understandeably flaked out.

 

Work, work work. I can't wait to take a vacation.

[Lonestar]

Thank you for sharings, Lonestar. That was brave.

 

No, sweets, YOU are the brave one. I only shared to let you know I understand that what you're facing right now is incredibly hard, and that I'm here for support and empathy should you need it. You're the one struggling through this right now, and you're doing it with the strength and grace that is so Otterful!! Hugs, girl

[kitten chick]

I'm really proud of you Otter for making it through all of this...and doing it sober too. hugs

[Becoming]

OK, I did have time. I think going for some sort of catharsis might be worthwhile. How DARE that bastard do that to you? You are perfectly right to be angry - just direct it at him. I'd find a pillow I didn't particularly like and vent my fury at it. Or write a long long letter telling him exactly what a piece of scum he is - not necessarily to send; although typing it up and sending it anonymously to his law firm and not including a lot of specifics (so he won't know which of his victims did it - that'll make him sweat that much more) might be just the ticket.

 

As for not wanting to relive the trauma - that's what the EMDR folks do, among others. And what they then do is help you to disconnect the feelings from the event; in effect unhooking the emotions from the memory so that the feelings don't torment you. I'd highly recommend trying it.

 

 

Oooh the letter to the law firm--wow! Now there's an idea! But maybe later and once so you aren't accused of stalking.

 

That man flat-out date-raped you and then intimidated you into not saying a word. There aren't enough curses to waste on him. GRRRRRRRR :mad: :mad: :mad:

 

I would do something to get all the rage out--write a letter, pin it to a big punching-bag-like thing you could beat the stuffing out of as you yelled at it pretending it was him, then burned the letter in a ritual that invited healing or something like that is helpful.

 

I wrote such a letter to my abusive parents--took weeks to get it all out--and then I constructed a cross of old lumber we had lying around and nailed that letter on it, giving it all over to God. That was what I gave up for Lent that year--all that pain and rage.

[noclobber]

blind_otter, *hugs* to you!

 

I really feel that you are a very strong woman for surviving a monster of an ordeal. and two cheers for you this time 'cos you are doing it staying sober.

 

You have experienced lot of things that most of us wouldn't in several lifetimes!

 

As you very well know, I am going through a tough time right now. I am fighting an addiction as well. An addiction that has lasted for six years and ruined me physically, financially, and emotionally. Most of the times I just wake up and feel like shyt. Just keep beating myself with regrets and emotional pain...

 

I hope you feel better with the years. Stay strong