Do you think I'm going about things the right way?

[REDRUM]

Incase some of you didn't read my post my wife & I seperated about 3 months ago & I left the house, because she didn't know if she was in love with me or not & didn't know what to do. We're married almost 3yrs been together 8 with a 4yr old son & she's 4 1/2 months pregnant.

 

I came to find out recently that she is seeing her best friend who is a woman & openly gay. I've known my wife since she was pretty young & this is her first time being with a girl.

 

Basically I decided to move back into my home, because I didn't leave my family for this to happen. We get along fine & I don't put her down or her friend & talk crap or anything about what has happened. I just basically deal with it & let her do her thing since this is what she chooses. I always was the one to try & talk to her & convince her to be back with me & now I just let it go & act like everything is cool. It really would bother her when I would cry to her & all so I just don't do it.

 

What I'm asking is am I doing the right thing by not trying to talk to her about being back together & all the family stuff? I know when we're at home together that she expects me to talk to her about it, because I've always been that way. Now I just let her choose her path & what ever happens...happens. It's all VERY hard for me to deal with, but there's nothing I can do at this point except hope she is going thru a faze or something. I'm just letting her be & not tripping on her or anything.

 

What do you think?

[destination_unknown]

I think that living with someone you were once married to and not being in a relationship with them can only lead to frustration and more hurt. I know two people who have been in this situation and it only ended up very very messy.

 

You are doing the right thing by not trying to talk about things but you should take that one step further and try to arrange someway that you can live apart. I know this must be extremely hard when your little boy needs you and she is carrying your unborn baby, but would you want your children to see you unhappy? You could be denying yourself a new (possibly someday happier) life with a new partner.

 

Your wife seems to have moved on with her life (by being in a relationship with someone else) and its surprising that she is ok with you still living together.

 

My advice is to take a deep breath, take that very brave step and make the separation complete. Otherwise you are only prolonging the closure of your marriage.

 

My heart goes out to you, I hope you find happiness.

[REDRUM]

We're still married & she said she never said she wanted a divorce. She seems to be very confused from what I can tell & everyone that talks to her thinks she will regret this BIG time.

 

She is supposed to be looking for an apartment this weekend, because I've already told her that it's too hard on me for her to be there. We've had a pretty good marriage compared to alot of people we just had a communication problem that we should've worked on instead of igoring it. The only problems we had was argueing. We would argue cause we couldn't decide where to eat or because neither of us ever thought we were wrong about anything.

 

You say it's obvious that my wife has moved on, but nobody close to the situation seems to think so especially that it hasn't been very long.

 

Who knows though...

[greenshift]

1. Do you want to married to her?

2. Then WHY ON EARTH are you encouraging her to move out, or going along with the idea at all?!?!

 

WAKE UP! Just sitting back and hoping things will get better is just giving yourselves time to be adjusted to not being together anymore. If that happens, you're sure as hell not going to stay together.

 

Honestly, you don't sound too committed to this - you write as if you don't care and, if she sees what I see, it's no wonder that she's not happy.

 

You'll hear this time and again around here to the point where it's becoming cliche', but go see a counsellor immediately. You both have work to do on this, and it sounds like she's waiting for you to take the lead - otherwise she would have vetoed you moving back home.

 

If you want your marriage, and a family for your kids, you have to fight for it. (And by that I don't mean fight with each other.)

[REDRUM]

You're way off on my commitment. Anyone that knows me knows how much I love her & how much I've done for her & not myself. I ALWAYS put her first, but me trying to convince her what she should do isn't working. I've tried that & everyone that knows us has told me to stop trying because it's pushing her away. She's the type of person who gets upset when you act like you don't care.

 

It was actually stupid to come on here, because nobody on here knows us personally which is obvious by your post about me. Don't you think if I didn't care I would've filed for divorce the next day? Kicked her out & talked s*** to her? I definitly wouldn't be trying to work it out either.

 

You're way off on your comment & Because noone knows us or our actual situation I will not post on here anymore.

 

Sorry to waste your time, but it's obvious I can't get info from people who don't even know us.

[greenshift]

Look, my comments weren't meant to offend you and I'm sorry you're taking it that way, but let's recap:

 

I just basically deal with it & let her do her thing since this is what she chooses.

 

I understand why you're doing that, but it's not going to fix anything. You need help! Like, NOW. She's confused, you're hurt, at it sounds like you're both wandering in the wilderness. I don't know anything about her motives, but sound as if you're waiting for her to make up her mind. And that's what I don't understand. You don't want to push her - that's great. Pushing won't get you anywhere. But, that doesn't mean you have to sit idly by.

 

I'm not saying you don't love your wife - you have kids, and history together. But, why aren't you seeking help? You're right - I don't know you. But there is this air of defeatism in your message that sounds as if you've given up. I've been where you are - many of us have, believe it or not.

 

Please, go see a counsellor. Let someone who can sit down with you and get to know you both try and help.

 

Good luck.

[destination_unknown]

wonder if you will come and have a look ...

 

has your wife given you any indication that she does want to work things out? I cant find your original post.

 

What are the things you think contributed to getting to this place?

[REDRUM]

wonder if you will come and have a look ...

 

has your wife given you any indication that she does want to work things out? I cant find your original post.

 

What are the things you think contributed to getting to this place?

 

When I found out about her seeing her friend right after valentines day she told her friend that she can't do it because she thinks about me & is just confused. I stayed at the house for a few days, but she just wan't feeling me at the time. I know shes very confused about everything & shes pregnant. I've seen ALOT of situations like this with my family & friends & I understand things like this happen in life. It's not that I'm giving up, but she has to realize what she wants on her own. She's going to have to see what it's like without being a family & if what shes choosing is what she really wants.

 

I know what my wife is doing has to be new & exciting to her & I'm just dealing with that. We've both been through alot together & Me crying to her & telling her how much she means to me is what she expects me to do. I'm sure every day I see her she thinks I'm going to sit & try to talk to her about it & I'm not. She knows how I am & it has to bother her somewhat that I'm not "giving in" like I always do. I'm tired of being "the one". She's making her bed & shes gonna have to live with it. Like everyone tells me she knows that no matter what I'll be there for her waiting & I want her to be scared thinking maybe I won't.

 

I really don't know what to do, but I've seen stuff like this before & in every situation the guy I know acted like he was over it & it destroyed the girl to the point she was the one Crawling back & begging. Will that happen with me? I don't know.

[destination_unknown]

so from what I can gather it was your wife getting involved with her friend that has been the main cause of your problems? Did she explain anything about why she started to see somebody else?

 

I don't mean to pry its just easier to assess the situation with details of what she has told you she feels.

 

Have you had an response from your wife from your change in bahviour?

How long has the situation been going on for?

[jerbear]

This is an issue that someon has not brought up.

 

What was it like when the son arrived 4 years ago, did you two have first child jitters that time? It could be hormonal, intimacy, somebody not being there, mid life crisis, etc...

 

It is possible that being 4 1/2 months pregnant she is emotional. I had co-workers and friends who were emotional when they were pregnant and they would start crying or be argumentive for some random reason.

 

I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor.

[REDRUM]

so from what I can gather it was your wife getting involved with her friend that has been the main cause of your problems? Did she explain anything about why she started to see somebody else?

 

I don't mean to pry its just easier to assess the situation with details of what she has told you she feels.

 

Have you had an response from your wife from your change in bahviour?

How long has the situation been going on for?

 

Our problems started back in June when she said we argue too much. Things got better for about a month or so, but I've had to deal with alot of stuff like taking her family in & when her friends started hanging out alot it just got old to me so I went back to being "a dick" or whatever.

 

Basically when I would come home from work I would kiss her hello & go upstairs & go on the computer or watch TV. She would ask if I wanted to watch a movie & stuff, but I didn't want to be around everyone after work so I would say no. My choice is do do things with my wife & kid not them plus family & friends.

 

Being honest we never had $ issues, trust issues, Alcohol(?) or drug issues or anything serious. We've just never had a fair shot at being a normal family becasue we've always had other people in our home that we took care of or helped. We've both agreed that it wasn't bad & we know we had a communication issue, but never really worked on it.

 

Her friend (which once again is female) was there for her through this entire time & obviously something happened since now their seeing each other. I 1000000% have not given up & I don't intend to sound like I don't care I just can't force her to do anything. I just have to hope like her family & all of her friends hope that she will regret this & we can start to rebuild our life together.

[jerbear]

Basically when I would come home from work I would kiss her hello & go upstairs & go on the computer or watch TV. She would ask if I wanted to watch a movie & stuff, but I didn't want to be around everyone after work so I would say no. My choice is do do things with my wife & kid not them plus family & friends.

 

Her friend (which once again is female) was there for her through this entire time & obviously something happened since now their seeing each other.

 

I think you found your answer.

 

She will need to make the decision herself.

[greenshift]

(response nuked by the author)

[cal gal]

Redrum-

 

I feel sad for you to be in this situation, and I'm sorry for you...

 

You are the only one here that knows her and I'm trusting that your reaction to all of this is the best approach for the time being...

 

She is most likely hormonal from the pregnancy, but may also be feeling the pressures of thoughts in having another baby.

 

It would do you all a world of good to keep all the visiting people at bay so that you can concentrate your energy on piecing your family unit back together.

 

If you feel you need to keep your distance in order to keep the peace or move in a positive direction, then so be it. I will warn you though - try not to allow her to move toooo far away from you mentally and emotionally.

 

There should be times when you can let your guard down and allow her to understand your thoughts, emotions and expectations. Approach things with a firm tone - but not demanding. It may be helpful to write them down and revisit the thoughts a few times before approaching her.

 

Good luck, you have a whole lot of things to handle and consider.

 

Keep posting, you will get help here if you stay - which I hope you will.

 

I hope you have a good outlet for healthy time for yourself every day.

[RecordProducer]

Redrum, you are right that people who don't know you may mistaken a lot in judging your situation. From what I read, I think your wife is a stubborn person that has poor communication skills, unlike you who - as you stated - like to discuss things.

 

I'd say, go indirectly with the questions. Talk to her in a friendly and unconventional manner and ask her if she has changed her sexual orientation, whether she has emotional/sexual feelings for her gay female friend, and after all, you have a right to ask her if she had sex with her.

 

Time will resolve all your dilemmas. Unfortunately I can't advise you to leave and not feel guilty about that piece of advice because you have a little son that needs both parents. Look at the situation from a more optimistic angle and try to be friendly (but not a wimp) to your wife. You may start going out and doing your own thing in order to give her space to make some important decisions while using the space for yourself too.

[REDRUM]

Redrum, you are right that people who don't know you may mistaken a lot in judging your situation. From what I read, I think your wife is a stubborn person that has poor communication skills, unlike you who - as you stated - like to discuss things.

 

You are 100% correct about my wife. She is VERY stubborn & doesn't have good communication skills. I have asked her about having sex with her & she has admitted to me that they do.

 

I just don't bring any of it up to her, because she doesn't react well when she feels pressured & with her it pushes her away. When ever we do say anything to each other it is now always her initiating the talk rather than me. In the past it was always me. She came home the other day from the dealership with her mom whom had to get a key made & she tells me she needs a favor from me. I ask her what & she tells me to call the dealership & tell them NO. I knew what she had done, because I know how she is so I call the dealership & tell them We won't be getting the car because we're buying a new house. She always depends on me to get her out of situations & it felt good that it happened as silly as that sounds. Onthe drive home she told her mom she won't be able to get the car if shes going to move out on her own & her mom told her if she would work things out she wouldn't have to worry about stuff like that. She told her mom in a joking way to shut up.

 

Her Mom is extremely upset about all of this & cries about it as well. She wants my wife & I to work things out & believes we belong together. Everyone is in the same boat & everyone is so shocked it's not even funny. People always used to tell her that I would end up leaving her & nobody ever imagined it would be this way.

 

Whenever she goes to work I always tell her to have a good night & please be careful. I told her last night & she told me thanks & I'll see you tomorrow.

[REDRUM]

Redrum-

 

I feel sad for you to be in this situation, and I'm sorry for you...

 

You are the only one here that knows her and I'm trusting that your reaction to all of this is the best approach for the time being...

 

She is most likely hormonal from the pregnancy, but may also be feeling the pressures of thoughts in having another baby.

 

It would do you all a world of good to keep all the visiting people at bay so that you can concentrate your energy on piecing your family unit back together.

 

If you feel you need to keep your distance in order to keep the peace or move in a positive direction, then so be it. I will warn you though - try not to allow her to move toooo far away from you mentally and emotionally.

 

There should be times when you can let your guard down and allow her to understand your thoughts, emotions and expectations. Approach things with a firm tone - but not demanding. It may be helpful to write them down and revisit the thoughts a few times before approaching her.

 

Good luck, you have a whole lot of things to handle and consider.

 

Keep posting, you will get help here if you stay - which I hope you will.

 

I hope you have a good outlet for healthy time for yourself every day.

 

I've had alot of woman tell me that being pregnant does wierd things to a woman & a few have said they know of this happening before. I don't know what it is, but I hope everyone who is close to us is right that she is just going through a faze & with her being pregnant & all her head is really messed up. It's crazy because when we're around each other we don't have any hate or bad blood with each other at all. When her family sees us around each other they say it feels like we're together & nothing is wrong. I just don't want to force her hand in anything becasue she doesn't handle pressure well & she reacts the wrong way tries to defend herself like shes being attacked. I know she is very confused & going through alot in her head. Our baby has Turner's Syndrome & the outlook isn't very good. She has alot to deal with & I don't want to do anything to put her or my unborn child at risk.

[greenshift]

You two have so much going on right now. She works nights, thinks she might be gay (?), is pregnant, child has health issues (I'm not familiar with Turner's Syndrome?), family is living with you.

 

I hate to be a broken record, but what about counselling? It sounds like she's very overwhelmed and lost. It really, really does help.

 

Pressure never works, but there are other ways.

[REDRUM]

You two have so much going on right now. She works nights, thinks she might be gay (?), is pregnant, child has health issues (I'm not familiar with Turner's Syndrome?), family is living with you.

 

I hate to be a broken record, but what about counselling? It sounds like she's very overwhelmed and lost. It really, really does help.

 

Pressure never works, but there are other ways.

 

I have asked her about counseling, but like I said she is VERY stubborn & she doesn't see how someone who doesn't know us can help us. She doesn't feel comfortable talking to someone she doesn't know about her problems.

[greenshift]

Hmmm... well, you can't force her, and doing so would just create more resentment on her part as you've no doubt guessed/observed.

 

Still, it would be helpful for you if you went, even if its alone. I started seeing a counsellor a few months before my divorce because I was going crazy trying to fix things, and she wound up helping me through the process. It's nice to have someone you can vent all of this stuff to who a) isn't an anonymous voice on the internet who really doesn't know you, and b) has seen this, and even more complex situations, before. They'll be able to give you some pointers on taking care of yourself as well as how to deal with your wife, among other things.

 

Think about it. It can be expensive, but there are some christian counselling services that have sliding scales, if that's an issue (or not, if its not).

[RecordProducer]

Our baby has Turner's Syndrome & the outlook isn't very good. She has alot to deal with & I don't want to do anything to put her or my unborn child at risk.

Don't YOU have a lot to deal with also? You only mentioned this in the fly and it's a huge thing - to know that your child won't be like everybody else.

 

Your wife is probably devastated and now it makes sense to me why she turned to her female friend; Turner's syndrome only happens to females. The personal sadness she has regarding this probably turned into compassion for all women; hence her sudden sexual-orientation switch.

 

You and your marriage are probably at the bottom of her priority list right now, which is not good, because she needs you and your child will need you both to struggle with the differences.

 

I suggest that you show her that you've very interested in raising your child together and make your daughter very happy. Make efforts to learn a lot about this syndrome. Troubles can bring people together or set them apart. Don't be in the second group.

 

You've had problems in your marriage before (you said everybody thought you'd leave her eventually) and you've been spending your time after work alone, which means she felt lonely. She doesn't see you as a friend right now when she needs a friend. On the other hand, her female friend has always been there for her and combines with the new situation, she has found her guardian angel. She is probably not very close to her mother so she craves for closeness with another female figure.

 

What you can do is re-build your relationship and create a warm refuge for your wife. But in order to do that you have to love her endlessly. Do you?

[Becoming]

Redrum--

 

Where are you?

 

It sounds to me like you'e been emotionally absent from this entire marriage. Have you been sharing what you're feeling/thinking/want with her? Or do you just do what you've done on this thread and drop hints no one can figure out?

 

Having sex with another person (regardless of gender) is ok with you?

 

When you communicate nothing of what is/is not ok with you with re: to this marriage and stand behind it, it basically says to her you really don't care what she does because you don't really care about her.

 

You came home, distanced yourself from everyone after work. You simply weren't there. What was she supposed to do? Sit alone and sulk to make you happy?

 

Please, honey, I don't want to hurt you but help you see your part in the problem so you can work on solving it. Your W's not a mindreader. YOU have to communicate--that's your responsibility. She's responsible for her part, too. But you can only be responsible for you.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and start working on finding out what your W's emotional needs are and communicating yours. Your love banks are empty, due in no small part to the stress you've both put on your marriage.