Author Simons Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 It may even make HER feel better. Is that what you want? Hell no, i don't want to make her feel better. God knows how i want her to feel.. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hell no, i don't want to make her feel better. God knows how i want her to feel.. Well you sound like you're going to do whatever you want to do an ignore the advice given here. Just rest assured when you do tell her off, she'll feel GOOD that she dumped you. If you want her to feel guilty, don't say a word. Silence speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
cezanne Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I am totally confused reading the replies .. you see I completely understand your dilemma ... I am in a similiar situation myself where I cannot move on until I confront my ex .... but also understand the advice that you have nothing to gain by doing so ... but there just must be an inbetween ..as there is something physical and uncontrollable driving you at the moment .. how does everyone else seem to be able to walk away so easily .... I understand you have to do something before you can move on but what is it ....? First of all I presume you don't care about your dignity where she is concerned so that is not a good enough reason not to make contact ... But yet contacting her and giving her a piece of your mind is not the answer either ...... do you think it would help you to move on .... that is what I keep thinking but then when I write an email .. save it in draft and re read it a few days later I literally cringe and thank the lord I didn't send it. However I am glad I have them in draft as I know he will make contact at some stage and I do not want to forget his callousness ... would that be a start for you ... I know some might say it will prolong the process but you can't turn it off with a switch .. can you? If she goes through a slump she will remember people who were good to her and she may make contact then ... and when she does BE READY .... just make her feel small ... I totally agree with replies who said that if you blow off at her she will just feel justified in her decision and will have a great laugh about you with her friends .... the better result would be to be calm and collected ...and send her away wondering did she make the right decision .. .. you must make her feel like (not say ) you wouldn't lower yourself to go out with someone like her .... nobody likes to be made feel a lesser person .. but you will get one chance to do this and you just have to wait for the right time .. when she is open to listening ... So setting a plan in motion .. check out different ways of saying things that can make a person think ... look at how one sentence in a poem can say so much ..and wait ... in the meantime promise yourself to be totally together at the time .. do things you know she would find impressive .... now I don't want anyone to say this just gives her prolonged control .. she has it anyway and you never know during that process you might find you have unknowingly moved on .. put all this energy into learning about something new .. I myself couldn't bear the thought of not letting my ex get away with what he did to me ... I really couldn't so totally understand where you are ... but I am going to wait ... Up to last night I wrote him an email calling him every name under the sun but this morning was so glad I didn't send it .. but its still there in my drafts .... !! .. Am starting a bit of self improvement myself ... make myself more attractive etc .. it really is very hard to admit they don't want to know but the more time that passes .. the more she will realise you not a stalker and will be more open to contact from you. So give yourself another few months .. start with 2 and then see how you feel ... Sorry this so longwinded .. I rushing and don't have time to go back and edit so hope it makes sense ... Be ruthless and self protective . so plan every move you make and think it right through to the nth degree .. best of luck to you ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 ALL - thanks for your responces. I know and believe that you guys are making sence. The one thing that i would not want to do now is to validate what she did to me. Down the line i hope she will come to realise what a jerk she was. Hopefully by then i'll be in love with somebody else. May be later i will realise the need of letting her get a way with what she did to me. Love is a contact sport, they say. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 First of all I presume you don't care about your dignity where she is concerned so that is not a good enough reason not to make contact ... But yet contacting her and giving her a piece of your mind is not the answer either ...... do you think it would help you to move on .... that is what I keep thinking but then when I write an email .. save it in draft and re read it a few days later I literally cringe and thank the lord I didn't send it. However I am glad I have them in draft as I know he will make contact at some stage and I do not want to forget his callousness ... would that be a start for you ... I know some might say it will prolong the process but you can't turn it off with a switch .. can you? If she goes through a slump she will remember people who were good to her and she may make contact then ... and when she does BE READY .... just make her feel small ... I totally agree with replies who said that if you blow off at her she will just feel justified in her decision and will have a great laugh about you with her friends .... the better result would be to be calm and collected ...and send her away wondering did she make the right decision .. .. you must make her feel like (not say ) you wouldn't lower yourself to go out with someone like her .... nobody likes to be made feel a lesser person .. but you will get one chance to do this and you just have to wait for the right time .. when she is open to listening ... So setting a plan in motion .. check out different ways of saying things that can make a person think ... look at how one sentence in a poem can say so much ..and wait ... in the meantime promise yourself to be totally together at the time .. do things you know she would find impressive .... now I don't want anyone to say this just gives her prolonged control .. she has it anyway and you never know during that process you might find you have unknowingly moved on .. put all this energy into learning about something new .. I myself couldn't bear the thought of not letting my ex get away with what he did to me ... I really couldn't so totally understand where you are ... but I am going to wait ... Up to last night I wrote him an email calling him every name under the sun but this morning was so glad I didn't send it .. but its still there in my drafts .... !! .. Am starting a bit of self improvement myself ... make myself more attractive etc .. it really is very hard to admit they don't want to know but the more time that passes .. the more she will realise you not a stalker and will be more open to contact from you. So give yourself another few months .. start with 2 and then see how you feel ... Be ruthless and self protective . so plan every move you make and think it right through to the nth degree Very good advice above. What's especially poignant is that through the entire process of breaking up is maintaining your dignity and self-respect. Screaming, yelling or otherwise making an ass of one's self is merely confirming his/her decision to leave. Be the bigger person. If you must reply, make several drafts of what you are going to say and make sure that you sit on them for several days before you send them. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed and the impact of your words. Once you say something, you can never take those words back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 We forget about the other type of contact...where you meet, say in social places. What if they confront you, come to you, offer you a hug or something??. Try to initiate small talks with you. For me meeting her will bring all the anger back and i don't think i'll be strong enough to pretend that i am fine. Link to post Share on other sites
greenshift Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 how does everyone else seem to be able to walk away so easily It wasn't easy. I was married for six years, together for over eight. I spent most of my adult life with my ex. For me, the sun rose and set with her. You don't do this because its easy - you do it because its necessary. At the end of the day, you can't make anyone else happy, beyond contributing to an environment that is conducive to happiness. It's up to them. Does it suck when they leave? Does it hurt? Absolutely - no one's denying that. And, despite how it seems, we understand the compulsion to take it out on the one that left. Part of you thinks, at least then I'd get to talk to her, even if its an argument. At least then she'd see how much she hurt me, and is continuing to hurt me, and how could she not be sorry? At least then I'd have gotten this off of my chest, out of my system, and I could finally move on. But, the problem is that it doesn't work that way. Contact doesn't make you feel better - it just makes it last longer and hurt worse. The only way to move on is to do it, with no preludes. A vital component of that in a situation where feelings are strong is NO CONTACT. No one said it was easy, or fair, or fun. It's just the way it is. It sucks, but that doesn't change anything, at the end of the day. It's just what has to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 My friend told me yesterday that when we contact an ex, when we have expecations from them, that those expectations come from the way WE feel. That we 'expect' them to feel the same way we do. When they don't, it is we who feel we are wronged. The ex doesn't feel that way because they don't have the same expectations. They have removed themselves from the situation, from the same feelings. That is why it seems like it is easy for them to walk away and in a sense it is. We have to remove ourselves from the relationship as well. We have to stop expecting them to feel the same way we do. It is our expectation of them to feel the same way that holds us down. That is what letting go truly means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 For the ladies, I talked to a lady friend of mine who told me that sometimes you guys can say that you have a bf just to test how much your man still cares for you. My ex told me over the phone that she had new a bf. This was done after one and half month without hearing from me. I lost some of my family members and i was so heart broken that i kinda got a way from almost every body including her. Later when i called her she told me she has a new bf, but this friend was moving to a nother country, for whatever reason. It is now closer to 5 months since then and i never took time to ask or try establish the truth about what she told me. I was hurt coz she made me talk to this guy over the phone. Well my lady friend came up with these possibilities: 1. She was lying to me and just wanted to see if i can still fight for her. Which i never did. 2. There was no boy friend, but she just wanted me to get a way and leave her a lone. 3. She truthfully has a bf I have been thinking of the worst case scenario 2 or 3. I have been on NC mode since that time, and i feel like i missed out not trying to establish the truth. It is through this that i wanted to break NC. Is there a way I should know the truth?. I don't wanna ask her friends beacuse this will get back to her. I don't want to appear as stocker. Help??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 any body??? Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Everyone is different. I suppose it is possible that she *may* have said that to make you jealous. But if that was true, she probably would have turned to a different tactic to get you back if she didnt get a response but wanted you back. Its really impossible to say. It must be horrible for you wondering, I think that is the worst part for everyone on here, wondering if they are with somebody else. You have done so well with NC, if you continue with it, eventually it wont hurt you so much to know that she might be with someone else. Sorry man. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 does it really matter if she is/was with someone else? If fact, it should be MORE of a reason to re-inforce NC... The last .... LAST thing you should wanna do is fight for someone... Me personally, I'd rather earn someone. There's a difference. Besides, if she did make it up... just to get a reaction outta you, then she needs to grow up... again, another reason to keep up NC. Either way, she doesn't deserve any attention from you in any way. Especially if she was the dumper. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 For the ladies, I talked to a lady friend of mine who told me that sometimes you guys can say that you have a bf just to test how much your man still cares for you. My ex told me over the phone that she had new a bf. This was done after one and half month without hearing from me. I lost some of my family members and i was so heart broken that i kinda got a way from almost every body including her. Later when i called her she told me she has a new bf, but this friend was moving to a nother country, for whatever reason. It is now closer to 5 months since then and i never took time to ask or try establish the truth about what she told me. I was hurt coz she made me talk to this guy over the phone. Well my lady friend came up with these possibilities: 1. She was lying to me and just wanted to see if i can still fight for her. Which i never did. 2. There was no boy friend, but she just wanted me to get a way and leave her a lone. 3. She truthfully has a bf I have been thinking of the worst case scenario 2 or 3. I have been on NC mode since that time, and i feel like i missed out not trying to establish the truth. It is through this that i wanted to break NC. Is there a way I should know the truth?. I don't wanna ask her friends beacuse this will get back to her. I don't want to appear as stocker. Help??? I've been reading through this thread and here's my response. All these possibilities you are conjuring up are moot..pointless and furthermore by spinning your head with this unnecessary nonsense, it is making what you are going through...the progression of your own healing that much harder. I know because I'm speaking from experience. At some point we are looking for answers closure, anything...even an answer from an alien off a UFO would be fine BUT the deal is we are wrecking our minds with question after question because we can't let go. And by filling our heads with questions like this in some ways keeps the ex in our minds..and keeps the hurt and anger and frustration going.... If you haven't heard from this ex by now...what 4 to 5 months now?...she's changed and probably is not looking to resume the relationship. At some point this is the only answer you need to be dealing with...and let your healing take its course.. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 She told you she has a boyfriend to hurt you and make you jealous. Some people do stuff like that. There is a reason some smart person thought of No Contact. An ex that moves on almost immediately was NEVER invested in the relationship, no matter what they "say"... regards Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 She told you she has a boyfriend to hurt you and make you jealous. Some people do stuff like that. There is a reason some smart person thought of No Contact. An ex that moves on almost immediately was NEVER invested in the relationship, no matter what they "say"... regards My ex tried to hide it from me. She wasn't invested in mine either. The simple fact they could walk away so easily means they were never invested in it. Sad, but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 I am really lost in thinking about this. You see i was her first boy friend, her first love. She must have felt neglected when i was a way for that 1 month, may be she did not know how she could go through this or better way to find out if i was still in love with her. So i have been thinking of calling her and asking her to meet me so i can find out. I am sure if she was lying about the boy friend, the last four months have taught her something. I will be fine with the outcome either way . The outcome will make it easy for me to get closure and move on without all these doubts i have now. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 You're definitely in the 'hurt-anger' phase. The hurt-anger phase is certainly not the time to be talking with an ex. It can actually cause you to lose more ground than you ever hope to gain, because you'll wind up saying and doing things that, later, you'll just look back on and feel guilt, shame, and more remorse over. Man, -it will make you feel pretty good for -say- the first thirty minutes, or so, then, you'll start re-thinking it, right away. You'll not only think of more you should have said, you'll think of just the tone in which you should have said it. Some of what you end up saying might even make no sense, at all, and sound pretty stupid, -and remember: you can't take any of it back. And nevermind the possibility of all the pathetic crying and begging you might end up doing, -publicly. After it's done, all that mental editing will have a negative effect, in the long-run. It may cause you to want to run back and do it all again, -right- this time, or crawl into the deepest, darkest hole, away from everyone who winds up hearing that you did it. One word: don't. The hurt-anger phase does have it's place, though, in breaking away. What it's supposed to do, is make you argue with your ownself, and begin reconciling the situation with your own emotions, -which have been traumatized, damaged, -and just plain hurt. The hurt-anger phase is actually a tool we can use to create and hone better ways of coping with these and other similar situations. It has the ability to make us test, and then rebuild, if necessary, our defense mechanisms which protect our heart and emotions. It can also teach us the wisdom of exercising control of our emotionally-spurred urges. Take the jest of the advice, here, and try to stay away from an in-person meeting with your ex, for now. There is no particular 'ban' on seeing her sometime in the future for a similar talk, but most people have to wait a long time to be ready for that to happen. Most never feel the need to, after full recovery has taken place, and some, when they finally meet up with the ex again, -find they can even manage a smile, and walk away, pretty unaffected by it, after all. Self-respect intact. (Smile) Take Care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 how long does this 'hurt-anger' phase lasts. It is almost 5 months, how long do i have to go through this. Look, this lady never said to me that we were broken off. She used the the statement she has a boy friend. No body, even her close gf has clue about this new bf in her life. This is the doubt i have. Don't you think it will be wrong after spending 3 years together, just to walk a way because she said she has a bf???. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think she's kidding...that is, about having the boyfriend...which makes you, the 'ex' boyfriend. Let her go. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think she's kidding...that is, about having the boyfriend...which makes you, the 'ex' boyfriend. Let her go. -Rio waw, i think we will die single..this society never allows us to fight for something!! Link to post Share on other sites
qnmc Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 "how long does this 'hurt-anger' phase lasts. It is almost 5 months, how long do i have to go through this." As a rule of thumb (and in my experience), when it comes to getting over a breakup where you've been emotionally invested in someone for more than a year, it usually takes on the order of 6 months to a year. This is not to say that you will experience these intense feelings for a year, because you won't. Rather, they are most intense the closer it is to the breakup. As time moves on the feelings taper off more and more. Each week tends to be a bit better than the one before, although some weeks can be bad. My point is for the most part as time marches on you get better little by little. You may not notice your progress because it can be kind of slow at times. But when I think back over the last few months I can see that the pain is much, much less than it was initially after the breakup. Oh, it still can hurt quite a bit at times, but I feel like I have more control over it... it's not always immediately bubbling beneath the surface. Sometimes it is still bubbling but the frequency of it being so close to the surface is much less. Think of the process as a roller coaster ride with peaks and valleys. You get to a point where you start hitting all points of the grief recovery process, from shock, to hurt-anger, to what we're all looking for - acceptance and full recovery. Over the course of the process you will backslide at times, but the frequency and severity of hitting a valley gets better over time. When I hit those valleys I remind myself that "this too shall pass." When I think about it rationally, while the pain can be intense, it only lasts so long. It actually lasts a shorter amount of time when I don't fight it, when I don't get down on myself for it, when I don't try to rationalize or ask myself "why". I just let it hit me. I pretty much tell it to do its worst when I hit the valley because I know that in a matter of a few minutes, the pain will pass. Here is a link that helped me understand the breakup process... the stages of grief... etc. It really helped put a lot in perspective. I guess for me, knowledge of the process is power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 See, i have been doing great for all these months. I am just scared of the fact may be she was just testing me, you know, by saying she has a bf and though she did not. I have not established that this was true. What if she was just scared because towards the end i kind of disappeared from her. She had the right to be skeptical about me. Why couldn't you guys just allow me to sit her down and ask ther his for the last time, it will make it easy on me to move on too. Link to post Share on other sites
greenshift Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Why couldn't you guys just allow me to sit her down and ask ther his for the last time, it will make it easy on me to move on too. Okay, two points: 1. We're not your parents, your spouse, your priest or your rabbi. We can't keep you from doing anything. 2. Dude, it's over. It's been over. What you're going through is natural, and it happens to most of us. It will pass. Don't talk to her. You were doing great for awhile, and you will again. This is just a phase. There are ups and downs throughout this process, as in all aspects of life. Talking to her won't make you feel better. Oh, it may for a few hours - but then you'll be right back where you were when you started this whole process. If she really wanted you that badly, you wouldn't be in this situation. Forget her. Move on. Stop wallowing and go out with some friends. It helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simons Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Okay, two points: 1. We're not your parents, your spouse, your priest or your rabbi. We can't keep you from doing anything. LOL, you are right, i wish this was that easy. I know i will make it through. I have almost to 5 months with NC. I WILL do a nother 5 months. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 RE: Simons: "...i think we will die single..this society never allows us to fight for something!! " (Laughing) Of course, you are certainly free fight for whatever you feel is worthwhile. And, I doubt that you will die single. (Smile) You seem very aggressive in pursuing what (who) you want, -but remember: she doesn't seem to want you with the same verve, judging only by the information you give on the matter in your posts. Still, I am all for heroic attempts at love, now and then, -however, I like rooting for those romantics who have all the necessary ingredients for it, before wasting my breath and getting my hopes all up. I'm sure there is information missing that would probably enlighten us further about your story, -but, as for me, I keep bearing down on that one bit of info that, to me, is so important when it comes to fighting for love: the estranged object of affection must have a deeply-rooted speck of love embedded somewhere inside them which becomes the basis for all the effort. If that speck doesn't exist, all is for nought. You seem to think it may be there, -we do not have that info to feedback and sanction your efforts. But, I'm sure that, despite our reserved and urged caution, and -er, experience, -everyone hopes you are correct. Good Luck! (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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