Putting the past behind, and stepping forward

[22222]

Hi, I wanted to tell my story, and hope that someone could respond, whether it be harsh or not. If you can imagine not having any faith in the male gender but being engaged, that's me. I love my fiance, but I cannot FORGET the past. I grew up in a town of about 400 people, my parents were VERY conservative, and I was taught that the body is a sacred thing to be shared by you and the person you loved. I have "DD" breasts that I grew between 7th and 8th grade, and became what every guy wanted. Big breasts, tiny frame, pretty face---but NO confidence! Parents got divorced.

When i was younger my mother's new boyfriend raped my mother and I and molested my little sister (who is my pride and joy). We never knew about each other's incident until 5 years later when my sister said something, and we had a family meeting. Long story short, he was convicted of all three counts and received 3 months in prison, with restitution.

I am now a criminal justice major.....

A few years went by and I was cheated on twice in a row. Once was my boyfriend getting drunk, and sleeping with this beautiful girl that he had always liked. The second time (which actually hurts more) was a boyfriend of over a year that broke it off because he was still in love with his ex, and couldn't stop thinking of her. He went into great detail of how he thought of her when he was with me and....well you know.

My problem now is that I have a fiance that I love more than anything, and I can't stop "thinking." I've been to counselors, done free-writing, attempted suicide, and I don't know what I can do to give him freedom. I found an extensive collection of porn on his computer, and he is very blunt when answering questions I have regarding other females, and what goes through his head when he comes across an attractive female.

I have extremely high morals, and not only do i think this is something I CAN'T dismiss, but it's something I don't WANT to dismiss. And then I apply that to movies when breasts show up on screen ("what is he thinking?"), walking donw the street and a beautiful girl walks by ("what is he thinking?") I could go on indefinately, but in case anyone has even reached this point without losing interest, i pose the question. What would you do?

 

P.S. Whomever created this site, God bless, because it has give me a voice when I thought I was alone and the only one with severe insecurities.

[Groovy]

What you are asking is how to have more confidence and trust in your fiance. Unfortunatly there is no magic answer.

 

For what you have been through counseling is good but you say it has not helped you. Some things in life require a life time of counseling. For example a friend of mine who grew up in a violent foster home and constantly got raped as a child goes to a support group every week to have healthy relationships. That fear will always be with him and I applaud him for facing this fact. How much time did you spend in counseling? Have you tried another counselor if the one you saw did not lead you the right way to healing?

 

1 out of every 3 woman get raped, so I have heard. It happened to me and how it affected me may affect someone else differently. As far as porn, I could care less if my guy watched it. He doesn't have feelings for those woman like he does for you and is just enjoying dirty scenes. Most men do. If he treats you good and communicates in a kind and effective manner I would let things go.

 

You have no reason to doubt this person in your pst and you haven't indicated any problems but things in the past. Yet you are dragging this person in the present in with it. I wonder, please don't take this personally...if you grew up in a home without much attention. It sounds like it and perhaps you create drama, stir up a storm for no reason and often this is a way of getting attention from the people we love. It's something to think about.

[Guest]

When guys look at porn they aren't thinking about you. Can you honestly believe that they are. Of course they will say - you just don't understand...blah..blah..blah. But it's not that we don't understand but rather that we understand all too well. And they just hope that we are too stupid to buy that BS.

 

Of course most girls accept it b/c that is the "normal" thing to do and any deviation would give them (guys) ammunition to call you a lunatic ... I personal could care less what society thinks of me - I rather not let a pitiful society like this one dictate to me how I should lower my standards.

 

Sure it's just a movie and you shouldn't be jealous b/c she's not "real" but then why are you wasting your time looking at a girl that doesn't freaking exist? Answer that... but then... the amusing antidote of: you just don't understand.

 

It's obvious that I had to deal with this for quite some time now. It's not about jealously b/c honestly I look better than most of those women and I didn't need plastic surgery or makeup. One thing they don't have and I do is integrity. To emphasize my point: would you honestly want to marry a porn star? Furthermore, it is doubtful that any of those women posse a college degree granted I don't have one (age: 19) but at least I am well on my way.

 

So again what exactly should I be jealous of? The point here gentleman is that it is a matter of respect. When you lust/masturbate after another woman, you are NOT respecting your gf/wife/fiancé. This problem is quite difficult to resolve but there are solutions:

1) Be one of those rare women that find the perfect husband - believe it or not there are men out there that do not look at porn. I have met two - my father and my mentor.

2) Become a hermit.

3) Go after something better - something that will never disappoint you - something that will last forever – contribute to science and win the Nobel Prize! Contribute to a worth while cause - far better than any temporary fulfillment of lust/desire.