Maybe im just paranoid...

[BMW]

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 5 years. We have a kid together and plan to marry in the fall. We actuall get along really good when we are together. When we are apart its a whole different story.

It all started when we found out i was pregnant and i had to stop doing things that he didn't have to stop doing, if you catch my drift. Thats when the lies started. Same old song and dance. Who, what, when, where and why. After a while I became like Magnum PI. I of course caught him in MANY lies.

Now things are different, or were. He got a new job that would not allow the the things he was doing.Things got sooooo much better. Then one day i caught him in a little lie. So i began my previos investigations all over again and the found out he had been talking to this girl (cheating is not really the issue here.) She is an old friend he use to get some things for. Well, she called one day looking and he can't tell anyone no. He said that he lied/ omitted information cause he knew i would trip. Which is true. But not like i tripped after i found out on my own. Now i am so freakin crazy over this crap i don't know what to do. I was barely at the point of trusting him again when this happened. He really is a good guy just a big chicken i guess. I want more than anything to have things the way they were. I just don't think i can go through this all over again. Any suggestions?

[Groovy]

You say he lies, what are some lies he has stated to you?

[blind_otter]

you insinuate here, that I guess when you became pregnant you had to stop using some substance. Let's assume it's the more benign drug, pot.

 

Your issue was that, if you were to stop, he should, too? And thus began the quest to control that portion of his behavior, which (if he's like anyone I know who is a pothead/drug user) caused him to rebel against what he considered to be a dictate regarding his personal behavior. So he began to be dishonest because (a) he didn't want to piss you off and (b) he was not yet ready to committ himself fully to sobriety.

 

I have heard this story from various others so many times. The bottom line is, you can't force him to stop, he has to chose to on his own, and he will continue lying about the behavior as long as he engages in it and you seek to force him to stop.

[BMW]

I guess i didn't get into detail about that. He didn't really lie about the female friend, just failed to mention it. In the past he has lied about her before.(like i said not cheating).Anyway, Just a day before i found out about that, he took my cousin to the gas station and was gone for like over an hour. I can go there myself and be back in 10 minutes. He kept telling me he was still at the station!!! Like i have stupid written across myforhead. When he got home i confronted him and he thought my cuz would cover him. Blood is thicker though. HAHAHA. All they did was run into one of my cuz's buddies and followed him to his house for a few. I know the buddy so i know this is legit. This was the first time in a long time ive caught him. He says he doesnt' want to tell me things cause ill be mad. The thing is that this was all not a big deal at all. If he had just said something and not hid the other things i would not be in this position. As far as lies go from the past, he lied about EVERYTHING. When we were on the right path and things were far from where they had been, he goes and pulls this crap. Just when i let guard down. I do have to admitt to being really hard on him though, i probably would have been unpleased with the situation but not furious like i am now.

[BMW]

Thanks. Yes you are correct but it was a much harder substance. the thing was, the day we took the pregnancy test he came in and anounced that there would be no more of that or those people in our home.That was all him. Then is started finding baggies in the washer and stuff. They werent coming out of my pockets!! He has a job now where he can not do that. They take pulse and blood pressure and urine everyday. I am 99 % positive he is not stupid enough to do it anyway. What i don't get is why now? Has he really lied to me this whole time and just has been sober enough to pull it off? F me!!! I don't know anything anymore!!

[Groovy]

It sounds like a bit of a mess. I would suggest couple's counseling if he is willing to go. Unfortunately you are pregnant and he is not being too supportive. Being a single mom sucks but being with a guy you need to take care of on top of that sucks even more. Something to consider.....

[blind_otter]

Thanks. Yes you are correct but it was a much harder substance. the thing was, the day we took the pregnancy test he came in and anounced that there would be no more of that or those people in our home.That was all him. Then is started finding baggies in the washer and stuff. They werent coming out of my pockets!! He has a job now where he can not do that. They take pulse and blood pressure and urine everyday. I am 99 % positive he is not stupid enough to do it anyway. What i don't get is why now? Has he really lied to me this whole time and just has been sober enough to pull it off? F me!!! I don't know anything anymore!!

 

Believe me, it's a cyclical thing more like. With addicts you stop, start, stop, start, promise never to do it again, lose friends/family when you start again, etc etc etc.

 

He was probably sober for a while. Looks like a relapse to me. I won't go on and on about recovery programs, but it took me over 8 years to figure out that I couldn't get clean on my own. I must've quit a billion times during that time, and sometimes for months/years at a time.

[BMW]

I am not pregnant anymore our son is 19 mo. old

[BMW]

Girl!! He disappeared this weekend from friday till sunday. I thought once we got past the meth thing we were in the clear. Now it turns out its aderol ( how ever you spell that) Do you know anything about this?

[blind_otter]

Adderall is like pharmaceutical cocaine. It's cleaner, lasts longer, and if you snort it, has the same effect as...say s***ty but uncut blow.

 

If he's disappering, change the G-D- locks. I've been in that cycle once too many times, it's seriously dangerous for him to have access to your son in that state of mind. I really really recommend ALANON or something for you. He has to take care of himself.

 

I would also try to establish financial independence. Just to protect you and your son. Separate bank account that he has no access to.

[Spectre]

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 5 years. We have a kid together and plan to marry in the fall. We actuall get along really good when we are together. When we are apart its a whole different story.

It all started when we found out i was pregnant and i had to stop doing things that he didn't have to stop doing, if you catch my drift. Thats when the lies started. Same old song and dance. Who, what, when, where and why. After a while I became like Magnum PI. I of course caught him in MANY lies.

Now things are different, or were. He got a new job that would not allow the the things he was doing.Things got sooooo much better. Then one day i caught him in a little lie. So i began my previos investigations all over again and the found out he had been talking to this girl (cheating is not really the issue here.) She is an old friend he use to get some things for. Well, she called one day looking and he can't tell anyone no. He said that he lied/ omitted information cause he knew i would trip. Which is true. But not like i tripped after i found out on my own. Now i am so freakin crazy over this crap i don't know what to do. I was barely at the point of trusting him again when this happened. He really is a good guy just a big chicken i guess. I want more than anything to have things the way they were. I just don't think i can go through this all over again. Any suggestions?

 

 

Eh, honestly, yeah you're paranoid. Like someone said, its obvious you were talking about drugs, so ill assume weed as well. Since you had to stop its obvious you BOTH used to do it, so its not like you stopped cuz you hated it or wanted to get clean, its cuz you got pregnant. So, why does he have to stop doing it also? I mean, you can't really tell him what to do, and he loves you so he wants you, but it seems like youre trying to control/punish him, as in "if i cant do it, you cant do it" which well, isnt the best way to go about things, maybe if you didnt say he had to quit then he would of done so on his own or would of been more open with you about it. I mean, I doubt hes running around blowing puffs of smoke in your face, so to this I say: If its a recreational activity that he enjoys with friends and doesnt do it where you can inhale any fumes, whats the problem? Youre gonna need to get over it, and fast. As long as he isnt snorting crack in the alleys and selling his moms tv to pay for his next fix, then I would let it be, if he enjoys himself, why deny him it? especially since you used to do it yourself. Or maybe you should of considered the consequences of two drug users having a baby? Either way just cuz you cant do it, doesnt mean he cant. I would even go as far as to say that once the child is born, he would not have to quit until he/she was 3-4 years old, because before then, as long as he did it away from then, they would be none the wiser. I mean, does he tell you not to have PMS cuz he cant have it?

[blind_otter]

Eh, honestly, yeah you're paranoid. Like someone said, its obvious you were talking about drugs, so ill assume weed as well. Since you had to stop its obvious you BOTH used to do it, so its not like you stopped cuz you hated it or wanted to get clean, its cuz you got pregnant. So, why does he have to stop doing it also? I mean, you can't really tell him what to do, and he loves you so he wants you, but it seems like youre trying to control/punish him, as in "if i cant do it, you cant do it" which well, isnt the best way to go about things, maybe if you didnt say he had to quit then he would of done so on his own or would of been more open with you about it. I mean, I doubt hes running around blowing puffs of smoke in your face, so to this I say: If its a recreational activity that he enjoys with friends and doesnt do it where you can inhale any fumes, whats the problem? Youre gonna need to get over it, and fast. As long as he isnt snorting crack in the alleys and selling his moms tv to pay for his next fix, then I would let it be, if he enjoys himself, why deny him it? especially since you used to do it yourself. Or maybe you should of considered the consequences of two drug users having a baby? Either way just cuz you cant do it, doesnt mean he cant. I would even go as far as to say that once the child is born, he would not have to quit until he/she was 3-4 years old, because before then, as long as he did it away from then, they would be none the wiser. I mean, does he tell you not to have PMS cuz he cant have it?

 

This message is a prime example as to why you should usually read a thread before posting.

 

I totally agree if its weed, but since it's not weed, it's dangerous for the baby to be around that s***.

[Spectre]

This message is a prime example as to why you should usually read a thread before posting.

 

I totally agree if its weed, but since it's not weed, it's dangerous for the baby to be around that s***.

 

Actually, its more a prime example of the "you cant edit your posts after 240 seconds" is F'ing retarded. I also feel that if you read the opening message and none of the replies, that you wont be influenced by others decisions, note I did say in my post as long as he isnt a crackhead..I usually read OP, reply, read other replies, and reply.

 

 

Now the situation gets tricky, if he is a straight out ADDICT, then yeah he needs help, but then not couple counseling, just rehab.

 

If he's not addicted, and as I said: not some desperate crackhead selling his stuff for the next fix, then I say let it be as long as he doesnt do it around the baby. Is it the right thing to do? Not exactly, then again one could argue drinking alcohol period is wrong as well. They both obviously used the drug, its hypocritical to demand he stop, and if he said he would and took it up again consider things like peer pressure, which can still be a factor even for people in their mid-20's, what if hes hanging out with his friends and theyre all doing it? of course he's gonna. Talk to him, if he agrees to stop doing it then fine, if he says he will only do it rarely for recreational purposes, theres nothing you can do. Im sure ill get stuff like its dangerous for the baby, but my parents always smoke/drank about me, and I'll be damned if someone is gonna say the negative effects of tobacco/drinking surpass the negative effects of adderol or whatever, Note: im not saying one surpasses the other, but i dont want cigs/booze to be brushed off as the lesser evil, cuz it isnt. Nor am I implying my parents would puff smoke in my face, but this guy isnt shoving adderol into the baby bottle either, I was still exposed to it.

[blind_otter]

Now the situation gets tricky, if he is a straight out ADDICT, then yeah he needs help, but then not couple counseling, just rehab.

 

If he's not addicted, and as I said: not some desperate crackhead selling his stuff for the next fix, then I say let it be as long as he doesnt do it around the baby. Is it the right thing to do? Not exactly, then again one could argue drinking alcohol period is wrong as well. They both obviously used the drug, its hypocritical to demand he stop, and if he said he would and took it up again consider things like peer pressure, which can still be a factor even for people in their mid-20's, what if hes hanging out with his friends and theyre all doing it? of course he's gonna. Talk to him, if he agrees to stop doing it then fine, if he says he will only do it rarely for recreational purposes, theres nothing you can do. Im sure ill get stuff like its dangerous for the baby, but my parents always smoke/drank about me, and I'll be damned if someone is gonna say the negative effects of tobacco/drinking surpass the negative effects of adderol or whatever, Note: im not saying one surpasses the other, but i dont want cigs/booze to be brushed off as the lesser evil, cuz it isnt.

 

Are you a recovering addict, btw? Just wondering.

 

It is still bad, speed and coke cause crazy mood swings and delusional thinking, especially when combined with sleep deprivation. Also, doing the drug doesn't just affect him when he's high. I know ALL about that part.

 

IMO it's not hypocritical. I used to use and drink alcohol, I'm in AA now and personally I think it's a bit moronic to say that once you're an addict you can't counsel people to stop, since you obviously know more about the deleterious effects than someone who hasn't hit rock bottom.

 

Anyways, this isn't about you. It's about this woman who stopped using and quite rightfully asked her husband to stop, he said he did and lies about it. That is not ever ok -- it's not about the drug use, but the deceit that destroyed the relationship.

[Spectre]

Are you a recovering addict, btw? Just wondering.

 

Technically no, but I know how they feel. Back in my last year of high school, I had a series of minor and major back surgeries, this was throughout the course of 2 years, my docs had me on 5 diff pain killers during this time, all the while assuring me and my parents that as long as I was in true pain, I wouldnt become addicted to them. Long story short, the doctors just yanked me off the meds, didnt even ease me off slowly. As a result, i suffered for about a week, couldnt sleep..cold/hot spells, the works. My only other experience with drugs is weed, and thats not that addictive so.

 

It is still bad, speed and coke cause crazy mood swings and delusional thinking, especially when combined with sleep deprivation. Also, doing the drug doesn't just affect him when he's high. I know ALL about that part.

 

Thing is, she didnt find out he was still doing it due to crazy mood swings or the way he acted sober, she found baggies and stuff. This atleast tells me he can curb his mood swings.

 

IMO it's not hypocritical. I used to use and drink alcohol, I'm in AA now and personally I think it's a bit moronic to say that once you're an addict you can't counsel people to stop, since you obviously know more about the deleterious effects than someone who hasn't hit rock bottom.

 

No, counseling people isnt hypocritical. However, saying dont do the drug cuz i cant is, especially when she did it herself. She can offer all the advice in the world about the dangers of drugs, but dont ever order someone to stop, and if someone says they DID, that was their choice, a choice they can also take back or reconsider.

 

Anyways, this isn't about you. It's about this woman who stopped using and quite rightfully asked her husband to stop, he said he did and lies about it. That is not ever ok -- it's not about the drug use, but the deceit that destroyed the relationship.

 

"quite rightfully" why is it quite right? Since you didnt mention the child, are you implying since she stopped, he should of?

 

And reading her post? Lying to her makes some sense. She comments on becoming like "Magnum PI" to me that says a lot of snooping and questioning, which is just as deceitful as lying. If my gf pulled that stuff with me? I'd lie just to give sherlock more detective work. So to me, his lying was deceitful, her "magnum PI" was deceitful as well.

[blind_otter]

Technically no, but I know how they feel. Back in my last year of high school, I had a series of minor and major back surgeries, this was throughout the course of 2 years, my docs had me on 5 diff pain killers during this time, all the while assuring me and my parents that as long as I was in true pain, I wouldnt become addicted to them. Long story short, the doctors just yanked me off the meds, didnt even ease me off slowly. As a result, i suffered for about a week, couldnt sleep..cold/hot spells, the works. My only other experience with drugs is weed, and thats not that addictive so.

 

This explains a lot to me. You're talking to someone who has dealt with addiction issues and alcoholism for the past 8 years. My withdrawals were worse from cocaine and meth and xanax than they ever were from painkillers. You don't know about cocaine or amphetamines, so I'll let you know from years of experience - NO ONE can curb those mood swings. One of my good friends even accidentally killed himself during a downswing and slashed his body with razors. He was hallucinating from being up for 7 days straight.

 

No, counseling people isnt hypocritical. However, saying dont do the drug cuz i cant is, especially when she did it herself. She can offer all the advice in the world about the dangers of drugs, but dont ever order someone to stop, and if someone says they DID, that was their choice, a choice they can also take back or reconsider.

 

I am the poster child for telling people that asking someone to quit isn't worth s***. However, just because she can't force him to stop doesn't mean she's obligated to have him around her if she would rather be with a sober partner.

 

"quite rightfully" why is it quite right? Since you didnt mention the child, are you implying since she stopped, he should of?

 

i'm not going to reiterate what is written a few inches above your post.

 

And reading her post? Lying to her makes some sense. She comments on becoming like "Magnum PI" to me that says a lot of snooping and questioning, which is just as deceitful as lying. If my gf pulled that stuff with me? I'd lie just to give sherlock more detective work. So to me, his lying was deceitful, her "magnum PI" was deceitful as well.

 

Deceit has no place in a committed relationship. If one resorts to such tactics, the relationship is already dead.

[Guest]

Our men dont tell us things because we "trip". Most of us are guilty of it, its natural to be jealous and not like such behavior. I have learned, you have to really chill out, be be someone your man can really trust and talk to. If there really is nothing going on, he would tell you about the phone calls etc...

Tell him he needs to tell you ASAP if she calls. If you see he calls, dont explode, wait and see if he tells you. Wait about 2 days, if he doesnt say anything, then its fair game. BUT, remin CALM or you will just drive him away, probably even to her.

[BMW]

Like i said before.. I did not ask him to stop. I did not have to. He came in and said no more. Yes, i would have liked for him to but... I would still like to have some fun every now and then but i don't like to get out there like he does. I have too much responsibility. I would rather never do it again then risk him sliding back to the place he was before.

 

But apparently that isn't gonna help him either. I do have to say my child was never in danger except for the disappearing daddy. I have thought so many times that the best thing to do would be to give him a taste of his own medicine. What if i left him with our kid and didn't come home? Would he take up my slack like i do his? When i did come home would he let me recoupe and handle things? NO. He wouldn't. He would call his mom or grandmother and either get them to keep our son or... Gang up on me... I wouldn't risk anything that would take him away from me.