In Sync Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 To Caliguy and All, Take heed to bendit's words...I remember in the early stages of my recovery I was jumping out of my skin to want to break NC and just hear from the ex. Any hit would have satisfied my craving. One time I did get a response and that just sent me on an over analyzing phase, then benditand Art Critic set my head straight on what NC is..Any newbies out there...Listen to these guys about NC....it's hardcore to do, no wiggle room.... It's not about not appearing rude, not to respond to bs, its about walking away from crap that's going to hold you back mentally. For me I cried, vented on LS, shopped excessively, have gone to the gym excessively..but you know what...the EX doesn't know what's going on in my world nor does he care and I don't care about what's in his world nor do I need to know. It's part of the course. No way around it. AND on top of it all I am damn glad on hindsight that I didn't break it..I know for myself that I can survive a heartache. Using the excuse to just need closure by one last contact is just that...your closure came when they made the choice to end it and left you in the dust to figure this stuff out all by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
trone Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 Ok, a lot of folks are breaking NC. And there seems to be some very "liberal" definitions of NC floating about as well. Of course that "allows" us the room to be in contact. And any contact when you need to heal is a setback. Here is something gleaned from a site that deals with the worst kind of relationship addictions. And this method is the Only surefire way of getting through this with the least amount of hurt in the least amount of time. You have to Accept that NC is the only way to go. Once you do, its simply a matter of executing according to THIS set of guidelines. Good luck to all! The No Contact Rule: Why It Is So Important ...by TJ Sparrow "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt When you leave your Psychopath or Narcissist, expect trouble. Many of us start out with the idea that we can change our significant other. We think that if we love them enough, if we do enough, if we change ourselves enough, if we get them the help that they so desperately need, everything will work out. If you are married or with a Psychopath or Narcissist, this is not so. A Psychopath or Narcissist is not going to change. There is nothing wrong with him! The rest of the world is crazy. He thinks, why fix something that is not broken? When you leave him/her, he/she might tell you that he's going to change. He might tell you that he will seek help. You see, he doesn't want to lose you. You are what is called, "Narcissistic Supply". You are his drug and he is a junkie. Psychopaths or Narcissists really like attention. They like you to swoon over them. They want you to think that they are "all that" and a bag of chips. They want you to kiss their feet and kiss their butts. And when you don't do that it really upsets them. They want that drug. They need that fix, and they want YOU my dear to give it to them. But the moment you take him back, guess what? He's back to his lying cheating sorry self. So this is what happens. In order to break free, you gotta get rid of him and never take him back. To get your life back- you gotta do this. And you gotta put in place what is called a "No Contact" order. That means, you will not accept any form of communication from him. You extricate him out of your life completely and totally. This is to show him that you are not going to suck up to him ever again. You are not going to kiss his butt and his feet anymore. And when you don't do that, he'll go away. He might persist for a while. He might email you every so often just to see if he can suck a little more of your brain out. He likes that. You get upset, and you are giving him supply if you react. You see, them N's, they like supply whether it be positive or negative. They want the reaction and they get that fix. OH BOY they say, I can still get to her. I can still upset her. That is why you need that No Contact. When you have that No Contact, you get him out of your life. This means: No accepting phone calls. No listening to voice messages. No accepting any snail mail No accepting presents from him. No talking to him if he comes by home or work No accepting messages from him from a friend or anyone. Tell them that you do not wish to know. No accepting emails from him. Block that sucker. Block his emails. Block his name on your buddy list. Make it so he can't see YOU online. Get it now? Nothing. When we say No Contact we mean NO CONTACT! This is the only effective way to get the P out of your life. After so long, he's going to say, well darn, she won't have anything to do with me. I guess I better move on and get me some new supply. And then he is out of your life. P's can be just about anyone in your life. Your Mom or Dad, your SO, your brother or sister, your friend, your boss and even a co-worker. The only thing to do is get them out of your lives. Don't take the abuse and crazy making that they do to you. And if you are in a physically abusive relationship, GET OUT RIGHT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK! Still confused about contact with your abuser? Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor. Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it. Coping with Your Abuser – Dr. Sam Vaknin http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html So in that sense my ex is seeing me "Psychopath or Narcissist"???? She is doing exactly what is told in this article. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 Hey you, She gave me the old "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." Eff her. nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc!!!!!!!!!!! rofl Well, in your case, since you didn't reply right away with a short note congrats, there's no point in doing it now. Especially after you told the mother that you wouldn't. Also, in your case, I would advice you to do NC with the mother as well. It seems like she wants to hook you up with the daughter and liked you for son in law. So she is trying to play matchmaker (I don't buy the business advice bs). So, in this case I'd keep the contact with the mother at a minimum if not just block her. Good luck, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 4, 2006 Author Share Posted March 4, 2006 My ex was neither as described in the article. She wasn't an abuser, a psychopath, narcissist etc. She just wasn't "into" me and I was too stupid to see that. At one time she liked me, but I guess it didnt last that long. I hung on far longer than I should have. I have only myself to blame for the way I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 Hey, I hung on far longer than I should have. Yeah, me too. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyeyes Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 Also be aware that the other peroson may be as addicted to the drama as you are. Often when one person stops playing the game the other person will do something, mean, cruel or outragious to get them back into the whole argument circle. My brother's ex used to stael his dog, let the air out of his tires, etc to try to get his goat. Although thier actions are mean etc. it is really to get some kind of reaction out of you than to actually hurt you, though I suspect that's a tertiary reward. Just keep ingoring them no matter what they do. Here's to a drama free future, -Johnny Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 Also be aware that the other peroson may be as addicted to the drama as you are. Often when one person stops playing the game the other person will do something, mean, cruel or outragious to get them back into the whole argument circle. My brother's ex used to stael his dog, let the air out of his tires, etc to try to get his goat. Although thier actions are mean etc. it is really to get some kind of reaction out of you than to actually hurt you, though I suspect that's a tertiary reward. Just keep ingoring them no matter what they do. Here's to a drama free future, -Johnny I think she hates drama, that was part of the reason I turned her off. I wanted to get serious, she didn't. We acted like a couple, did the things normal couples do, but whenever I talked about moving it to the next level, she'd back away. Then we'd get into arguments about it. It wasn't a healthy relationship. I don't know that I ever really had her because I couldn't relax. I wanted to marry her so I was in over-drive. She just wanted to chill and hang out. I was in column a, she was in column b. We couldn't have been further apart at that point in our lives. And the more I pushed for her to get there, the more she backed away. I've come to the realization that it wasn't her or the way she treated me that pressed me to come here. It was me and my expectations of how she should have loved me that brought me here. It's my own fault, really. If I had respected myself, if I had listened to her actions, if I hadn't been so far ahead of myself. If only. Anyway, back to NC for good. In fact I told her mom this morning that I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk anymore. I put it as nicely as I could. I'm not even telling it to the ex. There's no point. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 In fact I told her mom this morning that I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk anymore. Alright.. way to take control over your own healing... Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Hi Cali I just got back and read through this thread ....... You have been suffering boyo havn't you! I hope this does not set you back as it may, but if it does then I am pretty sure that you will get through this! It is horrible to lose control and do what you know in your heart will do you no good, but we all do it and you should not beat yourself up over this! We are all here if you feel the urge to contact her or if you just feel shytty about the situation (like you are there for us at thise times ) Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Good for you CG. Keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 Hi Cali I just got back and read through this thread ....... You have been suffering boyo havn't you! I hope this does not set you back as it may, but if it does then I am pretty sure that you will get through this! It is horrible to lose control and do what you know in your heart will do you no good, but we all do it and you should not beat yourself up over this! We are all here if you feel the urge to contact her or if you just feel shytty about the situation (like you are there for us at thise times ) Thanks Lishy. Something someone esle wrote in another thread kind of worked in the sense of slapping reality into my face. "What helped me move on is realizing they didn't love me anymore. Eff em!" I have to remind myself of these things constantly: 1. I just have a little heart break. There are kids dying every day from cancer and other diseases. 2. As bad as I feel now, it could be worse. 3. I will find someone else, it's just a matter of time. 4. Had I stuck it out with her or married her, I could possibly be hating life right now. haha. 5. If they are meant to be with you, it will happen. That helps me let go and stop worrying about things I can't control. 6. I have a great community here with LS (aside from a little over-active moderating sometimes, haha) and it's good to be here. 7. My life is not defined by my relationships. They enhance it, yes, but do not define it. 8. Now that she isn't around anymore, I have been accomplishing a LOT as far as hobbies go and am having fun without her. 9. No matter how bad we think we have it, someone else has it much worse. (Divorce, Infidelity, custody battles, abusive partners, etc). Link to post Share on other sites
hurtbeyondwords Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 5. If they are meant to be with you, it will happen. That helps me let go and stop worrying about things I can't control. This has helped me in a lot of situations. It's scary not having control of something that means so much to you. I whole heartily believe that everything in my life has happened for a reason. It reminds me that it always works out for the best no matter how bleak it may seem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 This has helped me in a lot of situations. It's scary not having control of something that means so much to you. I whole heartily believe that everything in my life has happened for a reason. It reminds me that it always works out for the best no matter how bleak it may seem. That's why letting go of things that are out of your control is essential to healing. What good does it do to fret over something completely out of your hands? Link to post Share on other sites
Tenorman Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I sympathise dude - a mother and daughter tag team - that is tantamount to EVIL. I know it is easier said than done but I wish you would stop heaping so much blame on yourself - it's another way of holding on to your pain, your pain being your last link to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 I sympathise dude - a mother and daughter tag team - that is tantamount to EVIL. I know it is easier said than done but I wish you would stop heaping so much blame on yourself - it's another way of holding on to your pain, your pain being your last link to her. To be fair to her, she gave me all the classic signs, I just chose to ignore them. Sure, she shares some of the blame, but in all honesty, how can I blame her for me not listening to her? The next time my gut starts firing off alarms, I'll be listening loud and clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenorman Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 I am not suggesting you blame her at all, I am suggesting you stop beating yourself up and saying "It's my fault" etc because it may be the case (and only you will know this) that this self-blaming behaviour is your way of maintaing the pain so you can still feel connected to her. Easier said than done, but let that go as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 I am not suggesting you blame her at all, I am suggesting you stop beating yourself up and saying "It's my fault" etc because it may be the case (and only you will know this) that this self-blaming behaviour is your way of maintaing the pain so you can still feel connected to her. Easier said than done, but let that go as well. I agree with you. But accepting my errors is being truthful to myself and is key to rebuilding self-esteem and confidence. I realize I can error and will survive. I'm only human. Link to post Share on other sites
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