luvtoto Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Art that has been my biggest struggle. Granted, it was I who chose to make her such a huge part of my life. I still have a hard time dealing with her being gone. It's my fault I know that. And I realize I have to deal with this. I don't want to reply to her email though. Not emailing me a birthday greeting and knowing she knew and purposely ignored it pisses me off. Ignoring her 'chipper' email is the best thing I can do. Don't be so hard on yourself, Caliguy. Don't blame yourself. We've ALL been there. Give yourself a break. Ok? I wouldn't reply to her email either. This woman is wanting to know if you are still hooked on her. Trust me. Don't feed her ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 Don't be so hard on yourself, Caliguy. Don't blame yourself. We've ALL been there. Give yourself a break. Ok? I wouldn't reply to her email either. This woman is wanting to know if you are still hooked on her. Trust me. Don't feed her ego. Oh she knows I still love her deeply, that is why she didn't email me on my birthday. Doesn't want to give me any false hopes. All this email crap is just pissing me off. Good thing I have the gym today. I need it. I'm gonna beat the crap out of the weights. Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 you could also be the better person and send a short response of the type: *congratulations on your bonus... hope all is well with you...* if she wants more from you, she'll respond... otherwise, you'll know she was just trying to trigger some sort of emotional response... it's up to you... while i do believe in the foremost reasons for nc, i also believe that in certain cases it can push the other person away when their intentions are actually good... you never know though unless you're strong enough and willing to explore... Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I am sorry about this situation and the way it has rattled your cage... The Bcc is a little suspicious and somewhat sneaky - the only time you use that is to really go behind someones back - in this case her daughter???? Wow, my Mom would never go behind my back to manipulate a situation. Her Mom is up to something.... If I were you, I would e-mail back the original message -yep to the Mom AND the daughter - and ask them both to respect your wishes of not contacting you. This can be done in a nice way. This way there will be no misunderstanding that you don't want them to reach you. Include a recommendation for someone else (with a phone number) to help the Mom with her issue at hand. This should clarify the future for both of them, and you as well. Then for you - MR. NC - back to your NC mode! Go to the gym or stay busy - especially tonight and the next few days to keep your mind off of her. Good Luck and I'm sorry she hurt you again... Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Okay....I emailed my ex after our break up for his bday. I sent him a poem called "let go". It was great....yet in a hurtful way but, intentionally letting him know the purpose of me letting him go was because I loved him. I never received an email, a call....nothing..... I didn't expect it...well the first year I kinda did....but when I didn't....yes it hurt and well we all know very well that hurt and healing takes time. Now it's been two years and there is no way I can ever forget his bday. I don't call or anything, but I do remember. Even the day I broke up with him, even our anniversary. First love...what can I say. I spoke to him once....a year ago. I didn't cry, I didn't want him back and I was happy. He was happy and that's all that matters to me. His happiness as well as mine. Even if he is happy with someone else. =) Sorry I got lost in my train of thought. It sucks that she didn't mention your bday...it does....especially when it just passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 you could also be the better person and send a short response of the type: *congratulations on your bonus... hope all is well with you...* if she wants more from you, she'll respond... otherwise, you'll know she was just trying to trigger some sort of emotional response... it's up to you... while i do believe in the foremost reasons for nc, i also believe that in certain cases it can push the other person away when their intentions are actually good... you never know though unless you're strong enough and willing to explore... Her mom wrote me back saying something along the lines "Actually this was the second time she wrote me regarding your birthday. She probably didn't want to lead you on or give you false hopes. Obviously she is thinking about you to remind me twice." Well, I didn't email her tonight. If I do reply I will take your advice and just say something short like what you wrote. She also told me me that he mom will be calling me tonight so I would say something like "Congrats on the bonus. I knew you would do well. Your mom did call me and I gave her some advice. Take care." See, I do know NC is about ME not initiating contact and if she initates it, be selective about how I reply - if at all. True, she is dating someone else and I know she doesn't want to lead me on. The old me would have jumped at any chance to talk to her. The new me has been very very good at not jumping at any chance to speak to her. No calls. No emailing. No begging or pleading. No love letters. No poems. Nothing. The most positive thing I can take from this is I have come a long, long way. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 If you find that you can't resist emailing her...even a short little unemotional response...then you are not ready to be emailing her, period. Doesn't matter how you word your response. Nothing good can come of this...other than more heartbreak for you. I'm sorry Caliguy, just concerned about ya! Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Her mom wrote me back saying something along the lines "Actually this was the second time she wrote me regarding your birthday. She probably didn't want to lead you on or give you false hopes. Obviously she is thinking about you to remind me twice." Well, I didn't email her tonight. If I do reply I will take your advice and just say something short like what you wrote. She also told me me that he mom will be calling me tonight so I would say something like "Congrats on the bonus. I knew you would do well. Your mom did call me and I gave her some advice. Take care." See, I do know NC is about ME not initiating contact and if she initates it, be selective about how I reply - if at all. True, she is dating someone else and I know she doesn't want to lead me on. The old me would have jumped at any chance to talk to her. The new me has been very very good at not jumping at any chance to speak to her. No calls. No emailing. No begging or pleading. No love letters. No poems. Nothing. The most positive thing I can take from this is I have come a long, long way. indeed, and that's why you're a rolemodel for so many of us... if it weren't for so many ls people, my family, and friends, i probably would've done the whole calling, emailing, begging routine, etc... although i already did to a certain extent during our first breakup... but not this time around... keep strong, caliguy!!! =) Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Her life is great. New job I helped her get, new place on her own (finally), new boyfriend she really likes, some new friends, etc. In the meantime, my mom died and she left me within weeks of each other, my business is doing ok but not as well as it could, etc. I mean, my life is good but still feels empty without her. And to hear her life is going great without me stings. A lot. This sounds an awful lot like what I went through. So I can sympathize. Hopefully that will make what I'm about to say a bit easier to take. No offense CaliGuy, you seem like a good person, but the strong facade is just that, a facade. It's pretty easy to see through. After the way she treated you, if she's doing something that you don't like you need to find your balls and tell her to stop doing it. If you don't want to talk to her, tell her to stop contacting you. You allow her to treat you like crap and she does. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 contact. you just broke it... man, this is tough. But I can't tell people enough contact like this, as incidental as it is, will HURT like a mutha... good luck and please please do 100% NO CONTACT regards Link to post Share on other sites
fooled Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I think it HAS to be a facade until your heart can accept what your brain is telling it. I've said I feel that way myself - like I'm just playing a game. I KNOW it's the right thing to do, but I am far from being over her. But faking it beats wallowing and obsessing. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 But faking it beats wallowing and obsessing. meh, wallowing and obsessing has it's merits. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 caliguy, you have a very very liberal definition of No Contact and that is going to delay your healing and cause you hurt. I am so sorry about that. No contact with the MOM. ZERO. No contact with the ex. ZERO. I warned you about the mom. the apple does not fall far from the tree. Don't email about any bonus. Give her nothing. Any response gives her satisfaction. It doesn't matter if she initiates. Caliguy its time to man up. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 But faking it beats wallowing and obsessing. It is quite possibly a defense mechanism to help ourselves reduce the pain.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 I admit I am faking it till I make it. There are a few roads I can go down: A. Send her a short reply, cordial but non personal to show I am moving on or B. Say nothing or C. Reply back not to contact me. The question here is which one is the best? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 caliguy, you have a very very liberal definition of No Contact and that is going to delay your healing and cause you hurt. I am so sorry about that. No contact with the MOM. ZERO. No contact with the ex. ZERO. I warned you about the mom. the apple does not fall far from the tree. Don't email about any bonus. Give her nothing. Any response gives her satisfaction. It doesn't matter if she initiates. Caliguy its time to man up. regards I appreciate the comments, Bendit. I didn't initiate the contact though! Go back and read NO FOOLIN'S guide. NC doesn't mean NEVER speak to them again. It means you don't initiate it and you get to pick and choose what you will respond to, if you feel it warrants a response at all. See, she isn't saying what I want to hear and I know deep down that I should probably take option B. I am great at giving advice where my heart is not in conflict with my head (ie: Advice to others). It's much, much harder for me to take my own advice. If I could, I wouldn't need you guys at LS Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I admit I am faking it till I make it. There are a few roads I can go down: A. Send her a short reply, cordial but non personal to show I am moving on or B. Say nothing or C. Reply back not to contact me. The question here is which one is the best? from a logical perspective, b is just as effective as c... if you simply don't respond she'll get the idea and that is more advantageous as it does not show rudeness, emotion, attachment, etc... i would say a or b... in your situation, although you may not be over her completely, you certainly are moving on, and hence a looks like the best choice; you may also want to add that you are very busy... my 2 cents... Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 With all due respect to No Foolin, I don't agree with that definition Caliguy. I am giving you my own experience and hours and hours of reading posts on another forum where people were addicted to the relationship, to the other party. And the consensus is that for people like you, who have a very very strong attachment to the ex, that 100% no contact is the only surefire way you are going to get through this. I can tell you now that if you start going back and forth with the ex you are going to lose and you are going to hurt. I am sorry to be so blunt but it simply is going to be that way. You still don't see her Clearly. You still can't get angry at her for what she did to you and how she simply treated you like crap. You can't remember that now. You only remember the "dream" you had. I would think long and hard before you get dragged back in. Go back and read your archive. Try not to delude yourself by saying that no contact doesn't apply when they contact you. False! In my opinion, that couldn't be more wrong and you seem to be hanging your hat on it because you long to contact her and you were waiting for this moment when she contacted you. You will do what you will do but for everyone else, please learn from all the folks breaking no contact. There is only one definition of No Contact. regards Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 caliguy, you have a very very liberal definition of No Contact and that is going to delay your healing and cause you hurt. I am so sorry about that. No contact with the MOM. ZERO. No contact with the ex. ZERO. I warned you about the mom. the apple does not fall far from the tree. Don't email about any bonus. Give her nothing. Any response gives her satisfaction. It doesn't matter if she initiates. Caliguy its time to man up. regards Caliguy, I agree with bendit. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. Walk the walk. I mean if you are liberal with your breaking NC, because technically you didn't initiate this exchange with her mom, what's to say that a month from now her mom won't drop you another line (next time she might include really unnecessary info regarding the ex and it won't be business..hmmm) thereby setting off a chain of reactions from you. Look what's happening now...So far throughout this whole thread you've been rehashing and reopening old wounds. I don't imagine anyone fully healed like magic after three months or fours months or 6 months with NC, but sorry dude to me..this seems to have set you back. Is there no way to write the mother of your ex and real letter (the old fashioned kind...pen and paper) and delicately explain why it is necessary for you to limit communication for a while...temporarily...? Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I don't care what No Foolin said Caliguy. I am giving you my own experience and hours and hours of reading posts on another forum where people were addicted to the relationship, to the other party. And the consensus is that for people like you, who have a very very strong attachment to the ex, that 100% no contact is the only surefire way you are going to get through this. I can tell you now that if you start going back and forth with the ex you are going to lose and you are going to hurt. I am sorry to be so blunt but it simply is going to be that way. You still don't see her Clearly. You still can't get angry at her for what she did to you and how she simply treated you like crap. You can't remember that now. You only remember the "dream" you had. Think long and hard before you get dragged back in. Go back and read your archive. Don't delude yourself by saying that no contact doesn't apply when they contact you. False! That couldn't be more wrong and you are hanging your hat on it because you long to contact her and you were waiting for this moment when she contacted you. You will do what you will do but for everyone else. Learn. There is only one definition of No Contact. regards Although to some extent I agree with this, the reverberating point (at least with me) is that you realize that she treated you like crap and you will no longer tolerate it.........that doesn't mean you can't mourn what you dreamed of with her--I think most of us are going through that...........just know that you can dream that with someone else. And that they will want that with us. I will not say that my gut instinct about your quandry is correct since I haven't heard the whole story...........however, I do think that at this point that by NOT responding is giving her the clear impression that it is too painful to respond or that you are too angry to respond. And if the latter is true...........don't respond. (sidenote) How does she know that you are still deeply in love with her?? And why or how could you be deeply in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate?? Once I can admit it's not two way---it's relatively easy to let go. I'd be giving way too much energy to someone not deserving. I guess that the best response to give her is that you are glad she is happy and things are going well for her. Just leave no opening for a response if you choose to answer her e-mail. I'd be pissed because they pulled you into (again)a bad situation.......that sucks. They have pretty much created a scenario where you look rude to NOT respond! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 All, I hear you loud and clear. It's troubling because to not reply would be to admit that she still has a hold on me and thus my quandry. However, I am angry she ignored my birthday and feel like "Well if she can ignore my birthday, why the hell should I congratulate her on a bonus? Tit for tat!" She doesn't deserve a reply from me, I know that. I haven't and at this point probably won't. A reply simply will mean she still has a hold on me and not replying could mean she still does have a hold on me (I'm angry at her) or that I just don't give a damn. Sigh. Confusing myself is what I am doing here. Link to post Share on other sites
trone Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Cali, If you ask her to not to contact you again, what youa re really saying is " I am still not over you, thinkg about you every day, so please let me heal'. I think you do not want her to get this pleasure after everything she got from you already. If I am maintaining NC nowadays it is because what you have said. Whenever I want to break it, I read "Guide to maintain NC" thread which has a link other your messages. So please read it once more and do not tell her to not to contact you! Stay strong as you have always been! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 I'd be pissed because they pulled you into (again)a bad situation.......that sucks. They have pretty much created a scenario where you look rude to NOT respond! That's the situation I am faced with now. To reply means I acknowledge her. To not reply would be rude (but isn't ignoring my birthday rude, even after reminding her mom twice?) Her mom thinks I should reply (I told her I wasn't going to). Then again, her mom wants me as a son-in-law so her advice is skewed. Link to post Share on other sites
trone Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 All, I hear you loud and clear. It's troubling because to not reply would be to admit that she still has a hold on me and thus my quandry. However, I am angry she ignored my birthday and feel like "Well if she can ignore my birthday, why the hell should I congratulate her on a bonus? Tit for tat!" She doesn't deserve a reply from me, I know that. I haven't and at this point probably won't. A reply simply will mean she still has a hold on me and not replying could mean she still does have a hold on me (I'm angry at her) or that I just don't give a damn. Sigh. Confusing myself is what I am doing here. You do not want her to know how much you cared about her not calling you for your birthday. Let her think that you dont care if she calls or not! She giving the love that you are looking for to someoneelse, so why bother! Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 To not reply would be rude (but isn't ignoring my birthday rude, even after reminding her mom twice?) You made an excellent point there, Cali! Link to post Share on other sites
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