Not cool! grr...

[Art_Critic]

That's the situation I am faced with now.

 

To reply means I acknowledge her.

To not reply would be rude (but isn't ignoring my birthday rude, even after reminding her mom twice?)

 

Her mom thinks I should reply (I told her I wasn't going to). Then again, her mom wants me as a son-in-law so her advice is skewed.

 

Cali.. Reply and don't forget to word it in such a manner as because you need to move on that you would like to drop all contact..

 

Where did all this drama come from ?

[luvtoto]

Where did all this drama come from ?

 

I agree, Art. He's having a bad enough day as it is.

[bendit]

ummm, who cares if you are rude. You didn't ask for this contact. See this is why you can't read emails. You can't listen to voice messages. Now You are rude because you don't answer an unwanted message. Thinking you'll be rude for not responding to unwelcome contact is a classic "nice guy" mentality. Always worried about what "they" are going to think of you.

 

regards

[Art_Critic]

Cali.. you need to remember that she has a new boyfriend..

 

That fact in itself changes the rules and makes it so that you are under NO obligation to HER or HER MOM.

 

She is dating someone else...

 

Tell them BOTH to leave you alone to heal..

 

f*** her

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Her mom thinks I should reply (I told her I wasn't going to). Then again, her mom wants me as a son-in-law so her advice is skewed.

 

Jesus Caliguy... Why did you tell that to your ex mother in law?

 

Your ex has read it by now most likely, and thinks that you are having all these issues.

 

If I were you I'd just email her right away, congratulations, and leave it at that. Just to be polite. Yeah, she was not polite with you on your bd, so what...

 

Is not like she is contacting you every day either.

 

Now if you do, is because you "overcame" the issues that were preventing you from doing so... and you are not going to "stick" to what you said to the mother, like you don't know what you want.

 

Hmm...

 

Ariadne

[In Sync]

That's the situation I am faced with now.

 

To reply means I acknowledge her.

To not reply would be rude (but isn't ignoring my birthday rude, even after reminding her mom twice?)

 

Her mom thinks I should reply (I told her I wasn't going to). Then again, her mom wants me as a son-in-law so her advice is skewed.

 

 

Can you explain this obsession with not appearing RUDE to these ex's who dump the dumpees...I've never understood why not replying matters in this scenario. I mean when a woman leaves you and starts a relationship with another man You Are Seriously Concerned with Not Appearing Rude...??

Plus why would your ex be expected to do anything for your birthday. She's with another man. Really Caliguy..if you meet the woman of your dreams and she suddenly says 'Oh I must do something for My Ex's Birthday...that would be completely ok with you? Hmmm.' I certainly wouldn't appreciate it if my present bf, started sending his ex gf a birthday greeting that's crock nonsense.

As far as I'm concern there's no crime here..you're not going to 'No Reply Hell for Being Rude to the Ex'...NO CONTACT

[luvtoto]

CaliGuy, don't get into a position where you're bending over backwards to make it easier for her (by responding), you need to make it easier on YOU. Just don't lose sight of being good to yourself while you're trying to be nice to her...and her mom.

[hurtbeyondwords]

Caliguy, reply or not remember YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER!! I say F*ck her. she doesnt deserve your reply, so what if you're rude. If you taught me anything it's that you need to do this for yourself.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy, don't get into a position where you're bending over backwards to make it easier for her (by responding), you need to make it easier on YOU. Just don't lose sight of being good to yourself while you're trying to be nice to her...and her mom.

I'm not, for if I was, I would have responded right away.

 

I'm pondering replying around 3pm tomorrow but just saying "Congrats. Take care."

 

That's it. It means "Yes, I hear you - but I'm not gushing to talk to you."

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, reply or not remember YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER!! I say F*ck her. she doesnt deserve your reply, so what if you're rude. If you taught me anything it's that you need to do this for yourself.

 

I know, I know. Like I said, I can give advice very well but where MY heart is concerned, I have trouble taking the very same advice.

 

I know I may sound like a hypocrite throughout this whole thread, but my heart and my mind are seriously at war...and nobody is winning.

[sick of it]

thats always the case though....im sure everyone can give good advice. but no one can take their own. its normal

[serial muse]

cali, i know you've gotten lots of opinions here, and ultimately you'll just have to decide what's best for you. but for what it's worth, i vote for complete and total NC too. this is coming from someone who was in your situation. i broke NC in a similar situation, thinking that i would sound casual and unconcerned, and ended up feeling much, much worse with nothing to show for it. how i wish now i had said nothing at all.

 

silence is the most eloquent answer. it's not rude; they both already know you're hurting, and frankly it's rude, or at least insensitive, of them not to leave you be so you can move on. it's nice that her mom wishes you were still together, but it's not up to her, and her meddling is only making things worse for you.

 

IMO, the best course is to say nothing. you don't owe anyone a response. faking it hurts like hell, but underneath the scab you are healing.

[Simons]

Cali, why do you do this to me??? In your advice you tell not to contact my ex, at the sametime you do the opposit. I am really mad at you?

 

Seriously, if it is NC, let it be, no mother contacts, no father contacts, period.

[CaliGuy]

The more I think about her ignorning my BD the more I feel fine with ignoring her stupid email. Why should she get any of my time if she feels it's ok to ignore me?

 

Besides, she never really loved me the same way I loved her. She gave me the old "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." Eff her.

 

nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc!!!!!!!!!!!

[bendit]

cali good for you but you had better block her emails and cease the contact with mom because they will break you down. I GA RUN T IT.

 

regards

[luvtoto]

The more I think about her ignorning my BD the more I feel fine with ignoring her stupid email. Why should she get any of my time if she feels it's ok to ignore me?

 

Besides, she never really loved me the same way I loved her. She gave me the old "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you." Eff her.

 

nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Her stupid email indeed! You are just a habit for her. Now is your time to take a stand and say,"uh, hey, we're not dating anymore...go talk to your BF about your promotion". She broke it off with you...so, now she doesn't have you in her life anymore. She made the bed, now she can lay in it. Let her deal.

[CaliGuy]

"uh, hey, we're not dating anymore...go talk to your BF about your promotion".

 

I soooooo want to say that to her!

[skeptik224]

Props to you for not responding. You are the bigger man. You don't need her in your life - especially if it's not the way you want(ed). I'm glad that you hit the anger stage - even if it was only for a little while...it was long enough to prevent you from NC.

[UT_longhorn]

caliguy..

 

im glad youre sticking to NC. i can see no good coming out of you replying. here are the possible scenarios :

 

1. she replies - this will send you into further turmoil, analyzing her words and intentions again. just the perfect opportunity for her to hook you back up and string you along for a nice little emotional ride.

 

2. she doesn't reply to you - youre going to analyze why she didn't send a response. racking your brain on why did she contact me in the first place.

 

 

if you don't respond, it gives her nothing. i don't think she'll take it as rude. im sure she understands where you're coming from. i think she's testing the waters to see if you're ready to be friends...but from what it sounds like, i don't think you are.

[CaliGuy]

She isn't testing, of that I know. It's more "guilt based." She feels badly for the way she treated me and thus, throws me what she feels is a proverbial fricken "bone." She's still dating the other guy (her mom let it be known she brought him to her parents house a few weeks ago to go sailing. She won't bring a guy around her parents unless she really likes him) and I know that she told her mom that she is afraid of hurting me more so that is why she didn't contact me on my birthday. That answers that question.

 

So in case everyone is wondering, yes I did reply. Yep, I know I'm going to get flamed to no end for doing so. I figured I was going to lose no matter what option I chose so I wrote the following short message:

 

"Congratulations. I have never doubted for a moment that you would/will achieve great success in everything you do. Take care."

 

Given our history, ignoring her would be admitting I am still hurting (I am). My reply to her "Yay me!" message was simple and sweet without even the slightest hint that I was interested in continuining the conversation.

 

Her mom did call me and managed to blurt out a lot more info than I wanted to hear. I tried to stick to giving her advice but of course the conversation always went back to the Ex. I didn't stop her from talking. Perhaps I should have.

 

Am I ok? Yeah, hearing things I didn't want to hear stung a bit, but a lot less than it used to. I used to be a wreck when we first broke up. I'd be in tears over her. Didn't shed a single one tonight. I held strong and to me, this was a test I needed to pass. If I am ever to be completely done with her, then I have to be able to handle it when I hear news. We share some hobbies of which it is a small community.

 

The funny thing about all this is that the last time I felt so strongly about someone was High School and the results were the same. As Kitten Chick said, some of us are destined to be single the rest of our lives and I guess I am coming to that realization. At 37, I'm not really marriage material anymore. I don't know that I want to open myself up to love again. I'm starting to truly understand why men don't do it. The pain just isn't worth it.

 

I'll get along and I'll be fine. But let this be a lesson to us all. No Contact only works if we stick to it. Any news, any prying and contact whatsoever is going to hurt. Unless we have fully recovered of course. And that won't happen until we decide that we love and respect ourselves enough to be rid of the ex - for good.

[trone]

Cali,

 

We accept it or not, we are all hurt by the breakups. I know what you feel when you say that "some of us are destined to be single the rest of our lives and I guess I am coming to that realization" bec the pain is probably not really worth it, I thought about this a lot as well.

 

But think about your previous break ups. You were in pain but in time it healed and you started new relationships.

 

I hope for all of us here that in a while, we will all be remembering these days and laughing.

[bendit]

Caliguy sorry you made contact. I found that the contact didn't really "hit" me until two or three days after the contact. Then I was destabilized for days if not weeks. My opinion is you DID give her some very good supply with that message. After what she did to you, she doesn't deserve that from you. She must be on top of the world knowing that after all she did to you that you still are the "nice guy" you always were and still will accept whatever she gave you and give her back "love". That's fine in real life but you are in "recovery". As for the mother, I always knew you were playing with fire and she came through with stuff you didn't want or need to hear. She will be trouble for you. I suspect this contact will be a big lesson for you. Sometimes we have to live our lessons instead of getting them out of "books". Best of luck. You are in the honeymoon phase of renewed contact. You feel good the first day. Most not so good after that. Take care.

 

regards

[bendit]

Caliguy, you are not destined to be single. Unfortunately, you broke contact and have delayed your healing some. You're still depressed about the relationship and now thinking about the "failure" and her "success" with the other guy. I think you still have a lot to learn about "you".

 

But you will get to 100% healed. And I promise when you do, you won't feel at all like you are destined to be single. You will feel on top of the world and ready for anything. Unfortunately, we are our own worst enemies at times. And when we break contact, we just delay the time of our healing. Our healing will come but it will be delayed and we will be with our pain longer. You have to come to the point where you KNOW that contact is going to prevent you from getting where you want to be. Sometimes we have to break contact to really understand this. When we do understand that it is our only option, we GO for it and do all in our power to protect our NC and not break contact. I think you will get there. Good luck.

 

regards

[chocolate_boy]

No, I am far, far from over her. Never felt that way about anyone before in my life.

 

However, given how coldly she treated me throughout the relationship and after, I often have to slap myself into reality wondering how I could care so much for someone who obviously never gave a damn about me.

 

That's probably a bit harsh pal, she did love you and care for you at one time I'm sure, but people do deal with things differently, my ex was the same, she went cold and distant, but that was to emotionally seperate herself from me, a lot of women do it that way.

 

Sucks yeah, but forgive and forget I say, I don't miss my ex anymore, and now I'm over her I can truly say I don't want anything to do with her (she txts me from time to time but she doesn't get a reply), I wish her the best.

[bendit]

Ok, a lot of folks are breaking NC. And there seems to be some very "liberal" definitions of NC floating about as well. Of course that "allows" us the room to be in contact. And any contact when you need to heal is a setback. Here is something gleaned from a site that deals with the worst kind of relationship addictions. And this method is the Only surefire way of getting through this with the least amount of hurt in the least amount of time. You have to Accept that NC is the only way to go. Once you do, its simply a matter of executing according to THIS set of guidelines. Good luck to all!

 

The No Contact Rule:

Why It Is So Important

...by TJ Sparrow

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

When you leave your Psychopath or Narcissist, expect trouble.

Many of us start out with the idea that we can change our significant other. We think that if we love them enough, if we do enough, if we change ourselves enough, if we get them the help that they so desperately need, everything will work out.

If you are married or with a Psychopath or Narcissist, this is not so.

A Psychopath or Narcissist is not going to change. There is nothing wrong with him! The rest of the world is crazy. He thinks, why fix something that is not broken? When you leave him/her, he/she might tell you that he's going to change. He might tell you that he will seek help.

You see, he doesn't want to lose you. You are what is called, "Narcissistic Supply". You are his drug and he is a junkie. Psychopaths or Narcissists really like attention. They like you to swoon over them. They want you to think that they are "all that" and a bag of chips. They want you to kiss their feet and kiss their butts. And when you don't do that it really upsets them. They want that drug. They need that fix, and they want YOU my dear to give it to them. But the moment you take him back, guess what? He's back to his lying cheating sorry self.

So this is what happens.

In order to break free, you gotta get rid of him and never take him back. To get your life back- you gotta do this.

And you gotta put in place what is called a "No Contact" order.

That means, you will not accept any form of communication from him. You extricate him out of your life completely and totally. This is to show him that you are not going to suck up to him ever again. You are not going to kiss his butt and his feet anymore. And when you don't do that, he'll go away. He might persist for a while. He might email you every so often just to see if he can suck a little more of your brain out. He likes that. You get upset, and you are giving him supply if you react. You see, them N's, they like supply whether it be positive or negative. They want the reaction and they get that fix. OH BOY they say, I can still get to her. I can still upset her.

That is why you need that No Contact. When you have that No Contact, you get him out of your life.

This means:

No accepting phone calls.

No listening to voice messages.

No accepting any snail mail

No accepting presents from him.

No talking to him if he comes by home or work

No accepting messages from him from a friend or anyone. Tell them that you do not wish to know.

No accepting emails from him. Block that sucker. Block his emails. Block his name on your buddy list. Make it so he can't see YOU online.

Get it now? Nothing.

When we say No Contact we mean NO CONTACT!

This is the only effective way to get the P out of your life. After so long, he's going to say, well darn, she won't have anything to do with me. I guess I better move on and get me some new supply. And then he is out of your life.

P's can be just about anyone in your life. Your Mom or Dad, your SO, your brother or sister, your friend, your boss and even a co-worker. The only thing to do is get them out of your lives. Don't take the abuse and crazy making that they do to you. And if you are in a physically abusive relationship,

GET OUT RIGHT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

Still confused about contact with your abuser?

Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor. Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it.

Coping with Your Abuser – Dr. Sam Vaknin

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html