I just don't know what to do

[James]

I'm 18 and I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 11 months now. I've always been a hopeless romantic and so has she. We were friends for a while and then we fell in love. She was and still is my first love. Recently, however, I've had no sleep worrying about my situation. I love her dearly and hate the thought of having to break it off - I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. The problem is that I feel as if I need variety and, although it must sound crazy and selfish, I feel that I need to be free again. This hurts me so much to admit this because I've been waiting my whole life for a relationship like this and a girl as stunningly beautiful as my her. I feel as if I love her and that I always will. It seems to me that she is the type of girl I would love to marry (We have never argued!) but as much as it kills me to admit it, thats just not where I am at the moment. I know there may be people reading this and hating me for saying this but I just need space and freedom again. How can I settle down when I haven't been anywhere? I often think it would be great if we could have 6 months off but I know that it's not fair to put her through the hurt and trauma of seeing me single again. Should I finish it and if so, what should I say? What should I do next? I desparately need someone's advice.

[dyna22]

I know exactly how you feel!! It's so hard to be in that situation. I had something very similiar, with a person that I still love to death but it just wasn't going to work out at this point in time. We had another factor, distance...that at this point in my life I decided was too hard. You are young, and you say this girl may be the one, but if you are not completely happy with her, then maybe you do need to fully look over the relationship. I'm sorry but I can't give you any solid advice, in my case...I told him all my feelings about it, and although it hurts sometimes now, it is where I'm at. I don't think I've spent enough time away from him yet to decide if it was a good decision or one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I'm afraid all I have to give you is the knowledge that someone understands your situation and has the same feelings. I wouldn't hate you for your post, we're human...and sometimes we feel things we can't explain. Maybe you need to talk to her about how she feels. Are you in college? Will you be continuing to live near each other? These are all things to think about when you're trying to figure out what you truly want at this point in time. I've seen the saying "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it's yours" (or similiar) a million times, and if you do decide you need to end it with her, just realize...it may be one of the hardest things you do, but for your sake and hers, try to end it on the best note you can. You never know, maybe if you talk to her about those feelings, you'll find out she feels the same way. If not, just be as gentle as you can be. It will be hard for both of you, but staying in a relationship because it's "safe" may not be good for you or her. (not implying that that is what the relationship is about, I don't know enough about it to say). Sorry I can't be more helpful, good luck!

[Cynthia]

Psychologically speaking, every behavior reflects a need. Honestly, when you analyze a relationship, it's difficult to imagine an enitrely healthy relationship not involving at least some sort of conflict. Often, overly-strong attatchment can occur when both partners are at least to some degree co-dependent. And this is *not* a healthy thing.

 

At your age, which falls into the stage of development called "youth" or "young adulthood," you haven't reached actual adtulthood. This means that you still retain certain patterns of behavior and coping strategies that originated in adolescence. I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but it sounds like a long-term relationship isn't really plausable for you at this life stage.

 

If you're not satisfied with the vibe between you and your girlfriend, then it is probably time to take a breather. When you think about it, if you both really love each other, you should feel free to talk about this feeling with her. For me, love is about wanting the other person to be as happy as possible. I love one of my best friends with all my heart but we met when we were too young and couldn't really maintain a relationship, so now we're just very close. Just something to think about...

 

C

I'm 18 and I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 11 months now. I've always been a hopeless romantic and so has she. We were friends for a while and then we fell in love. She was and still is my first love. Recently, however, I've had no sleep worrying about my situation. I love her dearly and hate the thought of having to break it off - I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. The problem is that I feel as if I need variety and, although it must sound crazy and selfish, I feel that I need to be free again. This hurts me so much to admit this because I've been waiting my whole life for a relationship like this and a girl as stunningly beautiful as my her. I feel as if I love her and that I always will. It seems to me that she is the type of girl I would love to marry (We have never argued!) but as much as it kills me to admit it, thats just not where I am at the moment. I know there may be people reading this and hating me for saying this but I just need space and freedom again. How can I settle down when I haven't been anywhere? I often think it would be great if we could have 6 months off but I know that it's not fair to put her through the hurt and trauma of seeing me single again. Should I finish it and if so, what should I say? What should I do next? I desparately need someone's advice.

[diane]

You are so young. I feel it is fortunate that you feel the way you do about yourself and about the world. If you are going to live your life doing what you really want to do, it is never going to be easy.

 

When you are 25 you will be an entirely different person than you are now. You need to find out what really makes you happy and who you are as an individual. Doing that with someone else isn't always the best way.

 

Don't be afraid to be alone in your life and to stand on your own. It will only make you stronger. There will be plenty of time to find the person of your dreams. You shouldn't be with someone because it feels secure, you should be with someone because you realy know it is right. Then it is all worth it.

 

-D

I'm 18 and I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 11 months now. I've always been a hopeless romantic and so has she. We were friends for a while and then we fell in love. She was and still is my first love. Recently, however, I've had no sleep worrying about my situation. I love her dearly and hate the thought of having to break it off - I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. The problem is that I feel as if I need variety and, although it must sound crazy and selfish, I feel that I need to be free again. This hurts me so much to admit this because I've been waiting my whole life for a relationship like this and a girl as stunningly beautiful as my her. I feel as if I love her and that I always will. It seems to me that she is the type of girl I would love to marry (We have never argued!) but as much as it kills me to admit it, thats just not where I am at the moment. I know there may be people reading this and hating me for saying this but I just need space and freedom again. How can I settle down when I haven't been anywhere? I often think it would be great if we could have 6 months off but I know that it's not fair to put her through the hurt and trauma of seeing me single again. Should I finish it and if so, what should I say? What should I do next? I desparately need someone's advice.