BettyBoo Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Hi,] Having gone out with a seperated man for three years we decided to get engaged last October. His divorce was meant to happen that month. There was a legal hitch and it was put forward to February 2006. However in Feb my fiance told me that one of the papers werent returned and has not given me a court date since. His wife and him were seperated years before I met him and his kids are grown and self supporting. He had stopped paying maintenance to her but has now since resumed on legal advice. Here is my problem. I do not see why he is paying money to a woman who is healthy and can work but refuses to. I also feel angry as I work so hard and cannot take any time off as I have to pay all the bills etc for me and my daughter. I would have no problem if the kids were minors. We are not living together as I will not let him move in untuil his divorce is through and we are married. I am thinking of calling the relationship off until he is divorced. I feel paying money to her and taking care of her financially is really unfair as he is not doing that for me. If we live together I will be the one supplying the house and all the luxuries in it! Something is not right here. Am I being unreasonable ...thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I am thinking of calling the relationship off until he is divorced. I feel paying money to her and taking care of her financially is really unfair as he is not doing that for me. If we live together I will be the one supplying the house and all the luxuries in it! Something is not right here. Am I being unreasonable ...thanks for reading. This is the crux of the situation. He is still tied to this woman legally and the courts ostensibly ordered him to pay spousal support. You have no yet become legally bound to this man so as of yet you have no claim to him or his assets. It was probably a mistake to get engaged prior to the divorce being final. YOu need to set clear boundaries -- and stick to them. You know you aren't comfortable with the situation as it is, and all the "what ifs" aside, deal with what is happening NOW. unfortunately this is baggage that comes WITH your fiance -- it will never disappear or be eradicated. Can you handle this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 Not sure really. There was no order from the courts to support her. It was a gesture on his part! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Not sure really. There was no order from the courts to support her. It was a gesture on his part! Then I would back off, because obviously this is something he feels that he needs to do. IME, with divorce, there are ambivalent feelings all around. Resentment mixed with regret. Obviously at one point he loved and cherished this woman enough to marry her and give her children...so it would be unrealistic to expect him to just turn off his feelings. Being that he has been separated for so long but not yet followed through with the divorce he obviously has some kind of issue regarding this process. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I think you need to figure out what exactly is bothering you. Is it the fact that he's paying money to his exwife, or is that just masking the real problem, him stalling on the divorce? I think, money alone, it's none of your business where he spends his own money. You are not married and not even living together. But I think the money is just masking the real problem of jealousy and frustration. It sounds like you are jealous that he's spending money on his exw and you bring up examples of you paying all the bills for you and your daughter. Well, your daughter is YOUR responsiblity, not his. Why would you be jealous of that? If i was in your shoes, I can understand being frustrated and possibly a little insecure wondering if he really wants to be divorced and remarried. I think that would be my main fear and concern. But until you can examine yourself and figure out what exactly it is that is upsetting you, you cannot fix the problem. Money alone? It's none of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 There's many reasons why spousal support would be appropriate , and justified. as follows: Length of the marriage, the age and health of each partner, the standard of living established during the marriage, each partner's current level of income and earning potential, non-paid service preformed for the marriage (i.e. homemaking and childcare), the sacrifices one spouse made so the other could further education, training, or career, and other factors. It sounds like this woman raised this mans children and helped him further his carreer , perhaps she should be getting spousal support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 I am well aware that my daughter is my responsibility. That's a given. The children she reared are not his. She had affairs through out her marriage. Of course I am frustrated about the whole process who wouldn't be. We may not be living together . However he spends vitually every night here and enjoys all the facilities of my home. He is a good man and I have no doubt to his feelings for me or our future. My frustration lies in this. Why is it that women assume the right to be financially taken care of by a man simply because they were married. I am divorced myself and refused maintenance as its quite frankly insulting to assume responsibility for any adult who is capable of working. When in fact it was her who ended their marriage through infidelity why should he pay? Maybe I am wrong! It justs seems unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 ah yes, but she is not you. so she doesn't see the world the same way, value the same things, or react the same. obviously he's doing it voluntarily, so the point is moot. No one is making him pay her anything. but this as I said is the consequence of being engaged to a man who has not yet finished his divorce process. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I agree with you, but it's not your fight to fight. It's his. I still dont see how this ties into you being upset because he's not financially supporting you and why you would call off the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 thanks for your comments. Why would I call off the relationship? Well firstly I decided to put the relationship on hold until he sorts his past out. If that fails or he feels he has to continue paying her then I would finish it. Why? my principles really. I don't want our joint earnings to go paying for another person who is not part of out lives in the present or that I am in any way responsible for. I am not paying for his mistakes and if we get married and he is paying then I am paying and that is not on. I know we all view the world differently but in this day when women demand equality then equality is what should be applied across the board. If he had done the same i.e been unfaithful and expected her to rear the offspring of his affairs would you think it right that she now has to pay him maintenance even though she has moved on from the relationship? I doubt it !I think most women would be up in arms. If women demand equality then they also need to shoulder responsibilty for their actions and their financial affairs. Am I wrong?> Do the sisters out there think differently?> Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 There has been a growing anti-feminist movement in the last few decades. Mainly because some feminists take it further than they really should and start getting rabid about the stupidest stuff. Like the word "women" which some girls in the womens studies department spell "womyn" because they don't want the word "man" in there. I mean -- I wouldn't respect myself, but I am not her, don't know her situation or the situation with her exH, and so I don't take the extra step to judge. It's a waste of mental energy. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 There's a difference between debating global issues and fighting personal issues. It sounds like you are against the global issue of women not supporting themselves, and then allowing that issue to affect your personal relationship. You have a right to your opinion on women supporting themselves. However, it sounds like you're taking that opinion closer to home and expecting your bf to do what you want him to do. Sometimes we get so wound up trying to fix the world and be "right" that we lose sight of what really matters, our personal relationships. If he's such a great guy, then maybe you have to learn to compromise, realize what's really important in life, and allow him to handle his past relationships the way he wants to. Either that, or leave. Just dont try to change him to do what you want all in the name of fixing the world. Life isnt fair, and sometimes you just have to accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted March 3, 2006 Author Share Posted March 3, 2006 You know your right and thank you for taking the time to write. Its not really a global issue for me but its more a deeply held principle and the reality is I suppose is that his paying maintenance confronts that. Aside from that I am angry and frustrated and I feel its unfair ( thats my iiner bitch!!!!!). I am a very good person really. I am not begruddger and my work is dedicated to helping people with real problems. However I hate parasites and quite frankly thats how I see her and also his pandering to that. Of course it is his problem and that is why I am backing off for him to deal with that., Fundamentally I have a great life. I love my work , my daughter and my house ( despite the bills!!) . I want to share my life but I refuse to be burdened with others peoples c**p. I am sorry if I am venting here and I do not wish to offend anyone. But you know we are all here on a journey and take it for granted that some one has to carry us through life whether financailly or otherwise is ridiculous and a affront on what I think is basic human dignity. I may be wrong and I that is why I posted this because maybe I am! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 I understand where you are coming from. You're not a bad person for having your beliefs. I find myself getting too wound up over what i think is "right" and how I think the world should be. It's ok to have these beliefs but you have to put them into perspective. It's ok to be passionate about these issues when it's more broad, further from home. But when it affects our personal relationships we have to be more objective and ask ourselves if being "right" is worth losing the relationship? Also, if you do want to marry this guy (or any guy), you need to be more flexible and learn to accept other people's "crap". Right now, this guy has issues with his exw. But would you be any more forgiving if he had issues with his job, family? To have a succesful marriage, i think sometimes you have to know what to get involved in, and what to let your spouse deal with on his own. I use to get very frustrated with my exh and how he dealt with some of his relationships. In hindsight, I was very wrong. I wanted him to do what *I* wanted him to do and I unknowningly added a lot of unneeded stress that he already had from these relationships. Instead of giving him grief about his other relationships or trying to fix his problems, I should have been there comforting him and letting him know I'll be there for him to vent to and wont use it against him and wont get emotional myself. If you are sharing these vent sessions with your bf, my guess is he'll stop sharing with you his problems because he doesnt want you upset. Trust me, this is NOT good, and I learned the hard way. Again, this is his issue to fix and resolve. Your job is to create an atmosphere that is comforting and relaxing, being a soft place for him to fall, being compassionate to his situation but not trying to fix it for him. And if you're not willing to do that, then I dont think you'll have a very successful marriage. Atleast, I didnt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted March 4, 2006 Author Share Posted March 4, 2006 Yes I agree wth being there for anyone. However if that person is your future partner and he is at logger heads with the ex i.,e how it is to be dealt with and more importantly and he agrees with it.. but however beacuse his legal advisors say elsewise.......so then Iwill stand up. YES! If being in a relationship means such comprimise then NO I dont want it. The truth is I am not a demanding woman on any level and he ackonledges this. The reality is this are women going to comprimise themselves to such an extent that they are going to act as "victims" all of their lives and expect compensation from men or are in "the ideal" we now claiming to be all grown up ( and please agree) and take bloodyy responsibility for ourselves. If women agree freedom and responsibilty then they must accept consequences. I am P*****d off of women crying wolf when in fact they are totally authors of their own misfortune. Then grow up and stop thinking the world owes you a living. Are there any professional independent and feminist women left on this F ******G planet?????????????????????????????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts