broken engagement?

[june06]

guys, i need your advice. yesterday i had a birthday (30). so my finacee, me and my sister went to the restaurant. in the restaurant he gave me a present (mobile phone!!). i got really upset and got drunk. he was trying to convince me to go home but i would not. i told him that he can go home, but i want to have some fun - drinking. when i got home - he was up and had written a long letter basically saying that he does not like me being self destructive, but still loves me etc. i was so drunk that i throw up and he cleaned after me. this morning when i got up i realised that he actually had bought beautiful diamond bracelet and chrystal champagne - the phone thing was to wind me up - the real present was as surprise at home.

 

now we had a talk this morning and now he says that because of my self destructive habbits he does not know anymore if we should get married.. that it is about the trust in relationship - that i should have known that he will not give me only the phone for my 30 bday (how could I - year before last he gave nothing for my bday). that we should discuss things.. when i emailed today asking if we are splitting up - he did not respond... i also think he got really disqusted yesterday when cleaning after me..

 

what do i do?

[sophia34]

Suggestion #1: Do you love him and not want to lose him? Do you love being around him and does he treat you wonderfully? If so, you march right over to his work or home and you admit how absolutely stupid you acted and apologize profusely. Do NOT do this in an e-mail--do it IN PERSON. You tell him that you know you acted immaturely, and that you'll never do it again (and then DON'T do it again).

 

You ask him to forgive you and ask for a second chance. And if he gives it to you, don't blow it.

 

Suggestion #2: Do you not know if you really love him that much OR does he normally treat you poorly? (You mention that he didn't give you anything for your birthday last year, and it seemed like this upset you). If so, take a look at WHY you behaved the way you did. When you thought he'd only gotten you a cell phone for your 30th birthday, was that just one more thing that was like other things he has done in the past? Does he usually treat you in a way that does not make you feel valued? If that's the case, you may have reacted the way you did for a reason. And, if that's the case, you should probably re-examine the reasons why you wanted to marry him in the first place. You may find that he's not the right man for you, nor you the right woman for him.

 

You don't give a lot of background in your post, which is why I had to offer you two different pieces of advice! It really depends on how you feel about him and how he makes you feel, not just on your 30th birthday, but year-round.

 

Good luck....

[june06]

Hi,thanks.. He usually treats me nice. there are of course always things to complain about. we have had arguments about presents. he sees presents differently. i like flashy and expensive presents, he likes them with the meaning not cost related. therefore we tend to have arguments re presents. and that is the reason i reacted the way i did.. he should have predicted that i will get upset about the present..

 

this morning i appologised.. i acted stupid, yes.. but is it really a reason to cancel the wedding?? to decide not to marry me? gosh, i only got drunk..

 

he says that he is concerned about my self destructive ways - asks me to tell him how he can be sure i will not do something self destructive when we have children.. i dont know what to say..

[Groovy]

You were upset over gifts, a relationship is not about material items. Some people do not want any gifts and some people expect them and want high priced items. He is not the latter so could you still love him? If not it seems superficial. If he cares about you and treats you well otherwise, helps you make your life better than forget the quarrels over gifts. Good people are hard to find.

 

You say you were drunk and threw up. It happens, but how often does it happen to you? If you get drunk often he may view you as a self damaging problem drinker. I just split from a guy for that very reason, as nice as he was sober.

 

My only suggestion is to ask why he states you are self destructive. It's hard to judge whether he was over-reacting without specifics.

 

There is a possibility he is just getting cold feet too.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

yesterday i had a birthday (30). so my finacee, me and my sister went to the restaurant. in the restaurant he gave me a present (mobile phone!!). i got really upset and got drunk.

I don't even know how to respond to this.

 

You got UPSET because the present he got you wasn't GOOD ENOUGH? You are the most shallow, materialistic, selfish, and greedy person I've ever heard of. You do not deserve this guy.

[BeFree]

Your selfish ways will ended costing you a great guy.

 

Why do you expect flashy presents? Why do you get upset when you don't get your way?

[tikigods]

I couldn't agree more with pretty much everyone that responded. You got that upset over the fact that he didn't spend tons of cash on you that you got drunk and upset at him. I am surprised this man hasn't run for the hills yet screaming and shouting.

[JayKay]

I dated a guy who used to drink too much.

 

There just came a point where he did it one too many times.

 

I was tired of his drunken tantrums and childlike behavior. He also had expectations about how things were 'supposed' to be....just like the OP had expectations about what a 'proper' (i.e. 'flashy') gift is supposed to be.

 

When things weren't up to his expectations, rather than act like an adult about it, he'd pitch a fit and emotionally abuse me.

 

So OP, maybe your fiancee is fed up.

 

I know I would be.

[fraidycat]

Well..you are 30 now right? I suppose you could decide to finally grow up- I know I know I'm the "grow up" police today but you wanted honest advice and that will honestly help your relationship a LOT.

[june06]

it seems like everyone has judged me to the ground because of the type of presents i like.. but thank you for the advice..

 

i have a different view point about presents/ birthdays. i dont necessarily agree with what type of presents my bf wants for his birthday.. but you know what - i believe that his bday is a day i should make an extra effort to make HIM happy and to celebrate it the way HE likes and forget about my views and what i like.. So whenever he has celebrations I step over me and make the day i think he will like and he always does..

 

and therefore it is upsetting - that even on my 30th bday he using opportunity to try teach!!? me something rather then make me happy and let me to have happy bday. because he knew that i will be upset, he knew he will hut me. and he did it deliberately. it's not just a present you see..

 

we all have some kind of issues. i agree i have mine. but so does he.. and so does everyone on this board. isnt days like bdays days to forget them an to make people happy (i know it has to be done every day too)?

[june06]

oh yes, and I am not an alchancolic. it was the first time in my life got that drunk . in fact i did not drink at all till i was 25. and now i drink very occasionally - never like this..

 

i was just very hurt.

[PSmith]

You feel that your BF knows you well enough that he should have given you the flashy gift first and not pretend the cell phone was it. If he had done that you would not have gotten upset and got drunk.

 

Yet you know your BF is not into giving flashy gifts so why did you expect a flashy gift? Had you not expected a flashy gift and ‘settled’ for the cell phone, you would have gotten the flashy gift later.

 

There’s more going on here than your differences on gifts. I see major game playing.

 

He plays the game with the gift to see if you’d get upset, you play the “I’m going to stay here and get drunk to teach him a lesson” game.

 

I think the smartest thing to do is to call off the wedding. You’re both too immature and play too many games to make a relationship work.

 

You seem to feel that a relationship is tit for tat. You give him the b’day present that he likes (although you may not agree with it), so he should give you the present you want (even though that’s not his style).

 

In reality a relationship is more complex than that. While you’re giving him what he wants on his b’day, he may be giving you want you want in other areas. You’ll know when you’re in a fulfilling mature relationship when you can say. . ."His gift ideas are always pretty lame, but he makes up for it in other ways"

[blind_otter]

oh yes, and I am not an alchancolic. it was the first time in my life got that drunk . in fact i did not drink at all till i was 25. and now i drink very occasionally - never like this..

 

i was just very hurt

 

This is no reason to drink excessively. In fact there'd no reason at all to drink that much. There's no justification for indulging yourself like a child because you are upset.

[june06]

@@Yet you know your BF is not into giving flashy gifts so why did you expect a flashy gift? @@ i expected the flashy gift because i trust a men i am with wants to make me happy. because we have talked about the issue before.. and he knows how sensitive i am on the subject (there is long history there, but I would not bore you with that)..

 

and yes, i think relationship is give and take.. and if the present things is important to me - why not give it to me?? there are many other areas where i say - yes, his attitude is lame, but he makes up in other ways...

 

we had a talk on weekend and kind of sorted it all out. i apologised again and pointed out that all of this was his mistake too. i said that if he has a problem with getting married or is on the edge he should speak out. he said that he has proved his determination to be with me when cleaning after me on thu. I said that i love him very much, but i dont need any sacrifices. if he doesnot want to be with me it's fine.

 

he said that he has accepted that our relationship will be with high highs and low lows when he proposed. that the fact that we can touch each other so deeply means that we do love each other a lot..

 

funny when PC says what fulfilling relationship is... my fiance had that type of nice, calm, positive relationship with his ex. whom he left after 5 years, when she asked for marriage.. he said that arguments with her did not hurt because he did not love her..

[june06]

This is no reason to drink excessively. In fact there'd no reason at all to drink that much. There's no justification for indulging yourself like a child because you are upset.

 

i understand that. i imagine you are one of those people who turn other cheek when somebody hits you and do everything according to the book. i hope you wake up some day and realise what emotions actually are like...

[BeFree]

It sounds like you are really trying to explain yourself. I think you know that your attitude is self distructive to your relationship but you are trying to justify your actions. Your SO is trying to show you that by expecting him to please you with the perfect gift instead of loving him for who he is, is going to ruin your relationship. He is probably terrified that you are using him for these gifts and that you will not love him or respect him if he can't buy these for you.

 

If you can not see why your actions are wrong, then there is no help for you here.

 

Also, you say that YOU enjoy doing these things for HIM. We'll that is great but unfortunately, men usually have their own way of doing things and are not planners they way women are. If you want this to be a sucessful marriage, you need to stop expecting so much.

[RecordProducer]

now we had a talk this morning and now he says that because of my self destructive habbits he does not know anymore if we should get married..

It's easy to get married; it's hard to stay happily married.

 

that it is about the trust in relationship - that i should have known that he will not give me only the phone for my 30 bday (how could I - year before last he gave nothing for my bday).

You couldn't have known and if you analyze it that way, he shouldn't have played with your feelings. I don't know his financial status but if he is a millionaire, of course, you thought that you mean nothing to him if he bought you a cell phone only. But the important thing is - you never show disappointment with somebody's gift no matter how cheap or ugly it is! You should've just smiled and said: "Thanks" and he would've gotten the picture. You shouldn't get upset. But that's not the important part anyway.

 

when i emailed today asking if we are splitting up - he did not respond... i also think he got really disqusted yesterday when cleaning after me..

It means you are NOT splitting up. I don't think he was disgusted by your puke, but by your whole behavior.

 

what do i do?

You apologize and promise to behave in the future. And keep your promise!

[june06]

thanks RecordProducer!

 

i guess the good news is we are not splitting up... moreover - now all is back to how it used to be.. wedding planning etc

 

the other part is - i truly dont see myself being as wrong as people on this board (or general i guess ) see me over the situation.

 

and re-thinking what beFree was saying - may be it is not right for me to get married, if i dont see myself being wrong.. it kind of really proves that the marriage will fail.. i really never before questioned that..