So unhappy...

[seashelly]

I have made a few posts in the past.. and the contents have slowly progressed to this stage. My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. He has a drinking problem.. drinks maybe 8-12 beers a night, he goes to work everyday, so doesn't think it's that BIG of a problem. Tho, he has gained about 30 lbs since we married, and now has stomach problems.. he even said the other night, he thinks he's got high blood pressure, he is only 35years old.

 

Then,.. there are times where he becomes depressed, and admits that he believes he's got a problem.. and says he should quit drinking, or at least slow down.. I tell him, I'm there for him, and I worry about his health, he knows that I'll support him.. but it's not enough. we have both come from families, where our fathers were alcoholics, so we understand, and know the cycle. I don't pressure him, cause in the long run, it's going to have to be HIS decision.

 

It has been 5 months since we made love. It's like he has NO intimate feelings for me. He gives me a little smooch goodbye and goodnight, and that's IT! It's not even the fact that we've had NO sex.. it's that he doesn't even TRY to be close to me that way. I know he loves me and I know he's not cheating, as we are together all the time. We are best friends, and that's why it's killing me.

 

But,... he makes sexual gestures to me all the time.. rubs my bottom, passing through the kitchen... winks, and nods like.. come here... but, if I take him up on it.. he REFUSES me... down right blows me off.. I don't know what is the problem.

 

He says he just doesn't feel very affectionate. He loves taking pictures of us.. (or used to?!) so, once in a while I will surprise him and leave pics of me on his PC. The last time I did this.. I created a folder with a love letter and pics for Valentines Day. He upgraded his PC right before then, and I told him.. there was a surprise on there for him.. in such and such place.. that he might want to save that before changing everything over...

 

Well.. I know he saved it.. but, he NEVER said anything about them... never even acknowledged that he kept them, looked at them.. whatever.

 

Last night, he asked me if I was still mad..(we got into a little spat the other day) I told him, no I wasn't upset any more.. I'm just really unhappy in this marriage... and he looked sad, like he knew he could do more to make this a good marriage... and said.. I'm sorry you're unhappy.. then he came to bed, and we watched some TV..

 

I am just bumming, cause I don't know what he wants.. I try to talk about it.. and it's the same as everything.. he blows me off.. I think he'd rather let our marriage disintergrate, than to open up and talk to me about anything.

 

If something is serious in this marriage, he acts like it doesn't exist, like everything should be some kind of joke, he doesn't try to work things out.

We seperated last year for 2 months, and he told me he realized he was nothing without me, and wanted to prove that he could be the man I married. That he was nuts for not loving me the way that I deserved to be loved. so when we had our spat the other night, he asked me what I wanted him to do.. I told him to keep the promises he made when we got back together..he said we'd talk about it later, and I said.. "no we won't.. we NEVER do".. and of course.. he ended up blowing me off . So, now, I wonder.. if he's married for convience cause I take care of everything.. what am I supposed to do? I am So unhappy, it's like my feelings REALLY don't matter at all to him. I recently lost a family member, he wasn't there for me.. didn't even say.. I'm sorry.. that you lost so and so.... nothing.. I just feel if he was my BEST friend, he would be more loving towards me and my feelings.

As my husband, you'd think he'd WANT to make love to me, or at least be intimate at SOME point, but, he's not. I just don't know how he EXPECTS me to feel..

[bluechocolate]

8 to 12 beers a night is a serious amount of alcohol! Your husband is an alcoholic & I don't think the other issues in your marriage won't be resolved until he accepts that first & takes steps to stop drinking. The lack of sex could be that he can't get or sustain an erection, & that, I would say if it's the case, is directly related to his health & the drinking.

 

There is a tangled mess to work through here but you are not the one who can do it. I would recommend marriage counseling but I suspect that a reputable counselor will tell him to get the drinking under control first, but I could be wrong there.

[seashelly]

That is exactly what I think, but, he won't go talk to a counseler either. So, I feel stuck and confused. I know there's really nothing that I can do, but, I don't know if I can live like this either. I love him to death, but know that I can't live with an addiction like that.

 

My ex-husband was a drug abuser, and I stayed with him for 8 1/2 years. To no avail, he remained that way. I know how hard it is to live with someone who is addicted, but, I really don't want this marriage to fail too. But, it's coming to the point, that it really is NOT fair to me to have to deal with this. For better or worse, I planned to stand by this man. I felt guilty for my last marriage, as a year and a half later, my ex took his life. I know I am not to blame, but, I live with it everyday, and swore, this time I would not give up so easy.But, it is not MY addiction, and I don't know what to do to help him... I'm just confused, lonley and lost...

[bluechocolate]

I'm sorry you're going through this and by the sound of things, going through it again!

 

You help him by offering your support & comfort while he's quitting drinking, but if he doesn't think he has a problems and/or won't do anything about it.......

 

By the sounds of things maybe you should be speaking to a counselor? The previous ex & the suicide & then taking on board another man with substance abuse problems... I'm not saying for a moment that you're to blame here, just that maybe you need some clarity of thought before trying to tackle this one head on.

[seashelly]

I agree with you, I know it wouldn't hurt by any means, to talk to someone about this, I feel that history repeats itself, and maybe from the last time, I didn't really learn anything. I love him, and really want this marriage to work.

 

But, I also have two kids from my last marriage, and this is effecting them as well, so it's not just ME that I am concerned about. I am torn between being the mother I need to be, and being the wife, I want to be. My kids come first, as always, so this is something that really needs to be addressed A.S.A.P.

 

The only other solution, is to end it for good, and get out of this marriage.

[blind_otter]

IME you tend to take on troubled, damaged men when you have s*** that you need to work through about yourself.

 

And the problems continue, through the prism of some externalized issue.

 

Children who survive abuse will very often tolerate emotional situations that to a "normal" person would be completely intolerable.

 

YOu say " I swear not to give up so easily" -- but from what I've read, you never gve up. You take the blame of other's emotional issues onto your shoulders.

[bluechocolate]

I agree with you, I know it wouldn't hurt by any means, to talk to someone about this, I feel that history repeats itself, and maybe from the last time, I didn't really learn anything.

 

Which is maybe why you should talk to someone. If you do end this marriage you may just end up back there again, same song - different singer. And what are your kids learning?

 

It might be ultimatum time for your husband? He sobers up & works on the marriage or you & the kids bail? But like I said earlier, it sounds like a bit of a tangled mess so you may have to supress your needs as a wife while he tackles the drinking.

[seashelly]

My needs as a wife are on the back burner, and I am learning to accept that. I am more concerned for my husband, as I said earlier, he is developing health problems from his drinking. I love him and want to make this marriage to work.. but it DOES take two to tango.

 

If I gave him a choice, he most likely would choose the alcohol. From my past experience, it seems much easier to give up a relationship, than to overcome an addiction.. especially when the person addicted feels that they should over come it by "themselves".

 

So, what am I left to do?? Live with it? until he makes a choice. I admit, leaving a relationship is not a good example for my kids, BUT, living with someone who has an addiction is NOT either. I am a believer in commitment in a marriage, and that is what I want to instill in my children. But, we shouldn't have to be subjected to such behavior either.

 

I have worked through most of my emotional problems. Except, that I feel I draw addictive people near me for some reason. The truth be known, he wasn't addicted UNTIL we married, tho he drank occasionally before then. So, at some point, I end up blaming myself.. I'm not good enough,.. he needs more.. blah, blah blah... but, I know deep down.. it ISN'T really me. I have only been his friend, and have always been there for him. I don't put him down, harp or nag at him about anything. He is my friend, and I would never do that to him, because I feel that this is something that has to be addressed by HIM. BUT, he knows that I'm there, he knows that I will listen if he wants to talk about it.. he knows that I will support him. But, until he does this.. there isn't anything I can do. Talking to a counseler, might be a good idea.. just to get stuff off my chest, but, it's not going to change the situation.. until HE makes the decision to stop.

 

I appreciate your comments on this subject, it is helping me put things in perspective quite a bit. Like I said, I love him.. he's my best friend, and I know he's dealing with this issue alot, but, he's doing it alone, he doesn't want to "get help", his brother tried and didn't succeed, so he thinks it won't work for him. Plus he's a private person, and wouldn't be comfortable asking for outside help. I guess, I will just try to talk to him about this once again.. and take it from there. I don't know what else to do.

[Becoming]

You need to put your boundaries down and post them. My H was like yours in many ways (without the alcohol which he knew I would not tolerate due to growing up in alcoholic home). I actually made a chart up for him that was simple to understand:

 

Two pages (one positive behavior, one negative behavior), two columns on each page (when you do this, I will respond this way):

 

For example: under negative behavior: when you tease me sexually all day but don't follow-through, leaving me sexually frustrated, I will leave our bed immediately and move into the guest room. Under positive behavior: when you take out trash without me having to ask, I will think positively of you and praise you instead of nag you. You get the idea. You'll put on it whatever works in your situation.

 

But you have to consistently do what you say you will in order for him to get it.

 

It's like a child's gold-star, behavior modification chart.

 

But you've got to figure out what your boundaries are and make 'em clear and enforce 'em. He'll either eventually get the idea or you will--that he's not gonna change no matter what.

 

There are some people who give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile. You may not like being the enforcer, but he got the idea when one day he drank 3 beers and there was no negative consequence that it was ok to drink 4 on up to 8. You cannot let things go unchallenged. That's how you keep getting in these situations.

 

But I also guess that you don't know what does and does not feel right to you and where to draw the appropriate boundaries as a result. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Townsend. And help for your own codependency issues as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home.

[seashelly]

First of all.. My husband is NOT a child. I understand about tolerance, and what I will and will not stand for, but my husband is a grown man, and I will not make a chart for him like he's a child. My husband has an addiction. It is a serious problem, so instead of turning my back on him, I am going to HELP him, because that is what a family does. Not make a childs "good boy" chart!!

 

I do NOT have codependency issues, as I did NOT grow up in a household with my ALCOHOLIC father. But, I do know the cycle very well.

[blind_otter]

First of all.. My husband is NOT a child. I understand about tolerance, and what I will and will not stand for, but my husband is a grown man, and I will not make a chart for him like he's a child. My husband has an addiction. It is a serious problem, so instead of turning my back on him, I am going to HELP him, because that is what a family does. Not make a childs "good boy" chart!!

 

I do NOT have codependency issues, as I did NOT grow up in a household with my ALCOHOLIC father. But, I do know the cycle very well.

 

This is codependency, actually. No offense. Why are you being reactive about this?

 

I'm a recovering addict. We talk about this often at meetings, the other day a dude' wife was there saying the same thing you are. But he was at the AA meeting, though I think it was court ordered from his attitude.

 

Please go to an alanon meeting to get more information.

 

You cannot help an addict get sober. This is experience speaking. Addicts/alcoholics get sober only if the impulse comes from them. ONLY. I alienated my entire family because they kept trying to help me get sober and I kept drinking/drugging until the consequences were severe enough for me to want to help myself.

 

I wish you luck and will say a prayer for you.

[blind_otter]

It's always good to ask for help and then spit vitriol on the people offering up suggestions based on the limited information you give.

[seashelly]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take offence to that.

 

I can understand what you are saying, I have looked up some things online about what you were talking about, and yes, I guess I do have a problem.

[blind_otter]

It's cool, mama. I understand that reactivity very intimately.

[MusicWoman]

I used to be the cycle of guys like this. It was always the guys who smoked the weed all day long. With my ex who I was with for a year and a half...he went through the same cycles. He wanted to quit smoking weed, and would ask me to help him. After three days of encouragment and being proud of him and trying to take his mind off of it whenever possible...he would start to get resentful towards me. I thought then, that if someone asks you not to let them do something distructive towards themselves that you were helping. Really, its only going to get them to rebel against you, and start to lie and sneak and do it behind your back...its quite strange. You can't help and be there for someone going through something like this really....they have to do 99% of the work. All you are good for in helping someone is being there when they go through a momentary lapse of wanting the substance again for an evening or something when they are feeling good again in the morning. My ex, while trying to quit weed would turn to drinking instead..until he was drinking 8 beers a day and smoking weed almost on the hour.

 

I wanted to be there for him, i wanted to help him. He was getting worse and all i wanted to do was be there for him. So, it ended up that he got so bad, and so resentful towards me that he broke up with me because he started to feel that I got in the way of his addiction. Let me tell you...after stepping back from the situation for about a month...I was completely over it....completely over this relationship in a month.

 

You will see that if this man, even though he is your husband, isn't willing to take the steps to get himself better, you deserve better. You could leave and tell him that when he really wants to get better, then you will be there for him.

 

You said you don't like the list because the list is for a child and your husband is a grown man? Well, if hes acting like this, and has a problem, and he won't take care of it...hes not acting like a grown man. I am 100% sure that hes a great and wonderful man underneath all of this...he just needs to take a step towards getting better, because then everything else will fall into place...

 

You know full well, since your last marraige...how people act with addiction. Good luck

[seashelly]

Thank you for your reply musicwoman. I do fully understand what you are saying. We had a long talk last night.. that really didn't solve anything. I know what the problems are, and want to work them out. But, with his addiction, there's nothing I can do, and I have to realize that. It kills me because we just went through this.. went through a sepraration, and tried to work it out, but the addiction was still there, and stupid me.. thought before that our problems were rooted from other things, and not seeing it for what it really was. I know the alcohol is where the problems are arising from, and giving him a choice, will only make him choose that over me and the kids.

 

I feel I am in a no-win situation, I love him, want this marriage to work, but you all are right, I need to set my bounderies, and think of myself for a change. I am always worrying and trying to please everyone else, that my feelings are pushed aside, and then I wonder why I'm taken advantage of.

 

I want to be there for him, but as his wife, it's tearing me apart. As his friend, that is all I can offer him, and will always be there for him.

 

He told me last night, that he was discusted with who he has become, that he doesn't like his body, and he drinks to much .. (he brought it up). He said he was embarrassed that he'd let himself gain so much weight, and that he generally didn't feel good most of the time. I just could not keep my mouth shut, I felt as his friend, that I need to tell him point blank.. "you're drinking has a lot to do with that" I told him, that I was trying to be supportive and patient, but, my feelings seem like they don't matter. He got upset with me for "thinking" that way.

 

I love him, want only the best for him. But, I have to put myself first in this situation. I am really not happy, and his lack of affection towards me is the last straw. He is my husband, for God's sake he could at least hug me once in a while. I told him, that he FLAT out refuses to give me ANY kind of meaningful affection, that it's not even about sex, it's just the closeness, and intimacy that two people share, and he said.... "I don't know what's wrong." and just kept repeating it..(and by the way, still refused to hug/touch me at all) In fact, he will push me away, and if I say something about it..he's like.... No I didn't!

He said he was a terrible husband/father.. and then I felt bad for saying anything at all. But, I want so much for him to KNOW what I'm going through too. He's not a terrible husband/father, but he won't listen to me.

 

I just can't understand why he'll push me away like that, actually brush my arm off of him. I don't hound him, or EVER bring up the drinking issue. It usually only comes up when we're having a heart to heart. So, I don't know why he would feel resentment in that way towards me.

 

I asked him, if it was because he didn't want to be emotionally attached to me, that if he thought I was going to hurt him, and he just kind of sat there, and shrugged, then shook his head no. But, I feel that maybe that's the case. I told him, that he shouldn't feel that way, I married him, he's my husband, how can you NOT be emotionally attached when you're married? He didn't say anything at all.

 

Well.. thank you all for listening/ reading.. I feel better, just to get a lot of this off my chest, as always, your comments are appreciated.

[bluechocolate]

I just can't understand why he'll push me away like that, actually brush my arm off of him.

 

This is why:

 

He told me last night, that he was disgusted with who he has become, that he doesn't like his body, and he drinks to much .. (he brought it up). He said he was embarrassed that he'd let himself gain so much weight, and that he generally didn't feel good most of the time.

[MusicWoman]

good for you seashelly, I'm glad I could have helped a little.

 

you know that old saying of you can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself? well, its pretty true isn't it. I agree with what blue chocolate has to say as well.

 

Good luck, and take care of yourself, and the well being of your children. I don't know how old they are...but when I was in about 8th grade and started realizing that my parents relationship was totally screwed up I wish they had gotten a divorce then instead of 4 years later...it would have saved a lot of counseling bills..hehe

[tweldy]

A good friend of mine in my childhood had a father who was an alcoholic. He was able to keep a job and make a lot of money. The only thing that sent him to AA was his wife saying, "I'm leaving." This was enough to get him to go to AA. I'm not saying that this is right solution for you, but its pretty clear something extreme has to happen to change you husband's habits.

[hopelesslyunloved]

[FONT=Arial]Your husband is an alcoholic. I married a recovering alcoholic who was sober for 10 years.(I did not realize the strength of the illness) The day my daughter was born he returned to the only coping skill he knew; the bottle. I have several emotional issues why I don’t leave him, I lost my emotional strength and self esteem after having a child and my husband not wanting sex with me. His blaming me for everything took a toll on my emotions. I write to you to try and save you from this. If he refuses to get professional help, get it for you. Find a counselor that specializes in addiction. (took me going threw 5 before I found one I liked) Keep your emotional strength you will nee it to support him and not lose yourself and enable him. You keep your emotional strength girl. Find a group of other women at a local hospital that are going through the same thing, if this is somthing you think may help-do something-don't forget you;wonderful you![/FONT]

[seashelly]

Thank you all for your posts. I have been going over so many things in my head the last few days, and I have to say.. all of you are right. Even if you decide so for yourself, it makes it that much more definate, when others say the same things that you are feeling.

 

I love him, and wish him the best, but, my feelings are just as important. This is MY life too, and I need to do something to help myself, instead of wishing HE would do something to change. This is the kind of life he has chosen, but, it's NOT the life I have wanted to live. I have went through someone elses addiction most of my adult life, and I am willing and ready to change the pattern of history.

 

Thank you again for your advice. I greatly appreciate it.

[Becoming]

Good for you, sea! Easier said than done, but LS'll help you through it.

 

Best wishes!