Tired of being married

[Guest66]

I cant help but have expecations for how I want my husband to behave. I want most of all his attention. Unless I am a tv, computer, or game it is hard to get his attention. It seems the only way for him to pay attention to me is when I am naked or giving him oral sex. Even then, thats what it seems like it is...just sex. I try to kiss him, but it does not last long. He knows this is a problem for me, but he doesnt seem to care. I need that close, passionate, physical feeling that I get with kissing. Banging me doesnt really cut it. I am crying as I write this because I have tried and I dont know what else to do. I even told him that my feelings could lead to an A or a dead marriage.

Am I wrong for wanting someone to make me coffee, buy me flowers, kiss me on my lips, open a car door for me, tell me I look beautiful, hold my hand, god I could go on. I do all this for him, everyday(minus the car door & flowers), and it is getting so frustrating and tiring. What can I do?

[travellingman]

Are you two really that compatible?

 

What kind of common interests do you have?

 

A guy is not going to buy flowers and feel enthusiastic about his marriage if there is no connection outside of sex.

[JadeStar]

Have you considered marriage counseling for you both? It might be worth a shot. I would say try everything you can, then after you feel you have if its still not working then you might want to call it quits.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[JayKay]

I would try to find out what HIS expectations are for the marriage as well.

And what type of behavior does he expect from you?

 

Most people come into a relationship with different types of expectations. Many of these are unspoken. Being married is an ongoing process and it's a LOT of hard work.

If your expectation was that, "Well, he loves me so he should always understand my needs"..

You are undoubtably feeling disappointed.

 

You've told him what your needs are. Have you asked him what his needs are?

 

You may find he has a hard time talking about it.

 

Try to let him know, "I want our marriage to work out. Lately things have been feeling empty. I think we're having trouble communicating. Can you try to help me understand what's going wrong?"

 

He may counter that with something that makes you feel defensive at first. He may say, "You never want to have sex. You're always complaining about this and that..."

 

Try not to fight. Listen to him and say,

 

"OK, I realize I"ve been complaing about the TV and the computer. But it's because I feel lonely for your companionship. I miss how we used to be with each other. So what can we BOTH do to help fix this?"

 

See if you can get him to calm down and talk rationally. Once he realizes he's not going to be attacked, he may actually have a 'real' conversation with you.

 

 

It's hard to be the one who approaches the other.

 

It's hard not to get defensive and to really listen.

 

But try. Your marriage is worth it.

 

If you really make the effort and it doesn't work, I'd suggest marriage counseling.

[Brittanyjean06]

I'm sorry, I think one thing that happens in all relationships, is the spark goes away, and you become lazy!..You no longer worry about the disatisfying needs, until its too late for them to be met...

 

You should really talk to him, tell him you want to do things together, you want to feel appreciated. I'm sure he loves you..

[BeFree]

I don't know a lot of men who buy flowers every week and sit around tallking about their relationship once their married.

 

You need to find a common hobby. I actually watch NFL with my boyfriend. He has his team I have mine. You may have compromise a little and do stuff that he likes too.

 

Expect greatness and you'll be left with disapiontment!

[933KJL]

How long have you been married? THere are some good posts previously, but if it is a short marraige--it might be best to cut the losses and bail now because it probably will not change.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with 933. Or get yourselves to marriage counselling to help you two fix the marriage.

[Outcast]

I cant help but have expecations for how I want my husband to behave. I want most of all his attention.

 

Um. Yeah, you can help having expectations and it's very childish to want 'most' of his attention. Definitely go see a counsellor - with or without him. I think you maybe got married imagining some sort of ideal relationship which doesn't exist. I think you need someone to help you get a reality check.

[tweldy]

Guest66:

Am I wrong for wanting someone to make me coffee, buy me flowers, kiss me on my lips, open a car door for me, tell me I look beautiful, hold my hand, god I could go on. I do all this for him, everyday(minus the car door & flowers), and it is getting so frustrating and tiring.

 

Have you told him about your expectations? I would agree with you that your s/o should take great pleasure in doing little things for you such as this and you in turn, doing special things for him. However, if you are expecting this and he isn't delivering, yet you've never said, "You know what I'd really love? If you'd make some coffee for me in the morning because you get earlier than I do and getting up to a freshly brewed pot of coffee just makes my day." then you will continue to be disappointed, as he will never realize what you want.

 

If, however, you have dropped these clues there are some possibilities that come to mind:

1) You are being too sublte. Many men don't get subtle. Saying "boy I love roses" and "I would like it if you bring home flowers for me sometimes" can results in widely different responses. The former might be nothing, the latter might result in your desired outcome.

2) You are being straightforward and he is just not paying attention when you're talking to him. In that case, working on getting his full attention would help.

3) He is listening but he isn't responding. In this case, I'd recommend counseling as it is unlikely to get better without some help.

 

Often I hear the complaint, "I want so-and-so to do this without me asking, I shouldn't have to ask." If you are in this current mode of thought, it is futile. You will simply get more angry and nothing will change. I would recommend taking control of the situation and creating the change you wish to see by being blunt and forthright and if things don't change, perhaps seeking some counseling. I wish you luck.

[cal gal]

here's an idea

 

I always made the coffee the night before and put it on the timer because my xh was awake earlier than me, so his coffee was ready when he woke up.

 

If flowers are that important to you - buy them for yourself or for that matter for him, who says a gal shouldn't be giving flowers to a man, they love them too.

 

When I bought them for myself each week - my hubby figured he could just as easily buy them for me and reap the benefits - it's a good thing!

 

Bottom line - you can figure out ways to be giving and thoughtful as well as the spouse on the other side.

 

It is a two way street and I find my patience wears thin when people only think of themselves. That is why it is called a partnership. Not soloship, if you get my drift!

[tikigods]

I agree, my husband is like the worse person ever to pick up on hints, so for this Valentines day I said "man it sure would be nice if you made me a build a bear" and lo and behold guess what I got

 

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you expect out of the other one. Men don't like to sit around looking dreamly into their lovers eyes for hours on end, but they should be willing to spend some time with you.

 

Find some common ground, maybe start watching some shows together, play a game together, find something you two can do on weekends together.

 

Also ask him what HE wants out of the marriage, cause maybe he isn't getting out of you anything that he wants

 

Its a two way street and communication is the key!

[KonRyuu]

Ok, you've stated all these things that HE'S not doing, what about YOU? 98% of the time, marriages are 2 sided, not 1. It sounds like a lack of communication between the two of you. You know that lack of communication is the #1 cause for divorce? You need to sit him down for a conversation, like in a public place, so neither of you are apt to get angry over anything said. You need to tell him what your expectations are and ask him for what his are. After that, you both need to come to a happy medium and compromise for eachother.

 

Let's see, I open the car door for my wife. I usually bring her flowers every 1 or 2 weeks when able to. Hell, I used to bring her things home from work every day. We hold hands, go on walks together. We've started writing a book together. We play video games together.

 

She, cooks, cleans, takes care of the animals. She does martial arts with me. Although I know that's not her favorite passion, but she knows it is mine, she still does it WITH me. If I wake up at like 2:00 in the morning or pretty much any time, and I'm hungry, she gets up and makes me ANYTHING that I want. I mean, there is a lot of compromise going on in the relationship that we have. And things seem to be working out.

 

You should speak to your husband, find out ALL of your issues. A marriage counselor may be the solution to help you communicate to eachother. It's VERY hard to communicate with someone and share all of your feelings, no matter how much you love them. It's just how it is. The marriage counselor will also help either one of you from getting angry over anything said and, having the experience they do, will be able to maybe help suggest certain things you two can do to make things better.

 

Remember, as long is there is TRUE love on both parts, no matter what things are missing, it is ALWAYS worth saving. Keep that in mind. If it doesn't work out, then give up, but NEVER, EVER give up without exhausting all possibilities first.

 

As far as the "sex" goes. Or the kissing goes. That's very easy for you to fix. TELL him that you want him to kiss you passionately, if it is doing something wrong, lead him through it, like, when he does something, let him know it's something that you like, most people can figure out that if you like it, they should continue to do it. Maybe he does and it's YOU that is getting nothing from it. You should try making love, not having "sex" And not in your bed. You should try being spontaneous, gas station bathrooms, in your car, at the end of a pier, on the beach at night, even role play, dress up for him sometime and say, we're gonna try something new. Go out, knock on the door, when he opens it, pretend that you've never met him before, maybe you're over there to borrow a cup of sugar, I dunno, you can figure it out, it's pretty simple, and adds a LOT of spice back into love making.

[Shicoal]

I feel that you should have one of those "serious" conversation's which addresses these marital issues. Talk to him about what he wants from this marriage and what he would like to do with you. Best thing is the constant communication that will both tell you what is going on with eachother. I can relate because my hubby loves computers and all those technology gizmo's and gadget's. At one point I thought he will never give me the time or day.

 

But I had to see it in a different light that my spouse will be the biggest influencial person I'am around. So I thought I would dabb into what he likes which are pc games, itunes, pc peripherals etc. I found out that I learned alot from my hubby of what he is into and we both share a common ground that we have an interest togeather. But I advise you to seek out a hobby even if you have to do it alone for sometime. Because he may just be influenced by what your into or would like to do with you other than just sex! Good luck!

[Becoming]

Please check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com This site is based on research regarding what makes a good marriage. You may have some unrealistic expectations, but it sounds like you're just not getting your emotional needs met and your love bank's pretty empty (see site for explanation).

 

Have your husband take an emotional needs inventory on that site and you take one too. Sit down in a public place (as Kon suggests) and discuss the results. I'd bet sex is one of his emotional needs, yours is affection and tokens of affection. You're not talking the same language.

 

He needs to understand that marriage is a mutual deposit in the love bank.

[Moose]

You beat me to it!!!

 

This is exactly what you need to do. Once you two are on the same page on what you need from eachother, and you begin to deliver, life is sooooo much easier!