Reforming my dating habits & unfamiliar territory.

[brightskies]

Have you been in previous relationship that was very dysfunctional and are now in a healthy one? How did you make the transition? What did you have to do or change in yourself to get to that point?

 

Also, how do you avoid self-sabotage? You know how it is sometimes: the closer you get to something you want, the more likely you are to screw it up?

 

Up until the last ex I had a bad habit of dating men that were charmers but heartbreakers, or "jerks." Also, I had a bad habit of staying longer than I should have. But with a lot of thinking and reflection I think I'm re-adjusting. I always wanted a happy, healthy relationship but had no idea how to get there or what a truly "good relationship" looks like. Just now getting it clear in my head; I wish it all clicked sooner!

 

My last bf and I were ridiculous -- so "in love" but always at each other's throats. The emotional roller coaster was a complete nightmare. It's amazing that we didn't kill each other. We even tried couple's therapy. But the day I finally walked away was so liberating. I was really happy being alone after our 3 years together, which is kind of sad, huh?

 

Now I'm dating ML -- thus far a really good guy. I'm being extra cautious so this one is developing more slowly. And with better results, I hope. He has already asked me to be his gf twice. But I'd been dragging my feet and said, "Let me think about it." There were a couple of small issues but we've since discussed them and things look good. All systems say "go." Maybe I'm still nervous because of all the horrible drama with the ex. I really like ML and want to believe that this one can be different. I want to prove to myself that love doesn't have to be an exercise in pain and suffering.

 

It feels great being appreciated, courted, and treated well. But it also feels weird, almost like I got used to being in a "bad relationship." The skeptic in me says it's still the honeymoon phase, so of course he's good to me. But even in the little things, I see that he's much more considerate and thoughtful than other guys I've known. But he's also strong and won't take crap, which is awesome. I don't want a doormat for a bf.

 

This weekend I finally made up my mind. I've arranged to have a bouquet of white orchids delivered to his place this coming Wednesday before our date with a note that says:

 

Dear M,

Yes.

-L.

 

Do you think that he'll like it? I hope he does. And I hope that he still wants me!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Pretty much the exact same. Every relationship I've ever had was dysfunctional, particularly the last one before my current one; his mother killed herself right before we started dating, and he took out all his hurt over it on me, being cruel and uncaring and deceitful and and selfish. I thought I loved him, so I took it.

 

My boyfriend now is, if anything, the exact opposite of everything my ex was, the most loving, caring, kind, selfless person I've ever known.

 

It didn't take any transition, it was simply getting to know him and realizing what a trustworthy person he was. When you really get to trust your guy (or not), that's what will make or break your relationship.

[brightskies]

Hi I Luv,

 

Isn't it funny how we can think that "taking it" (accepting bad behavior) is equal to "loving" someone? I had this idea that unconditional and unlimited love was ideal. But it doesn't work out that way. The other person tends to take you for granted.

 

You're right, trust is paramount. Everything else seems to flow so much easier when the trust is established. If your exes were deceitful, what convinced you to trust your current bf? Did it take you a long time and do you find yourself still questioning his actions and motives sometimes?

[MadDog]

Your analysis sounds good except instead of sending him flowers, I'd suggest an Xbox 360 or something a little more guy-oriented.

 

MD

[Tenorman]

Don't send him any gifts (nice thought but it's too much). Tell him during the date and then let it build up naturally from there.

[brightskies]

Your analysis sounds good except instead of sending him flowers, I'd suggest an Xbox 360 or something a little more guy-oriented.

 

MD

 

Thanks for the suggestion, MD. But he already has one of those. Guys are hard to get presents for, huh? Maybe I should've gotten him a Lego set instead. Girls are easy, something with petals or something sweet, and it's all good. Do you have other guy gift ideas? I'm going to start keeping a list.

[brightskies]

Don't send him any gifts (nice thought but it's too much). Tell him during the date and then let it build up naturally from there.

 

Hi Tenor,

 

Why do you say it's too much? Do you mean guys just don't care for presents in general? Or did I just get him the wrong thing? I could try and cancel the flowers, but it might be too late. It just didn't seem right for the moment if I went and got him a game or tool set or something really practical. Of course, I'm definitely telling him "yes" to his face. But I wanted to send him a small surprise especially cause I know he'll be working hard doing sheetrocking, etc. And we were supposed to meet up over the weekend but I've been sick.

 

When we go out he always pays, even though I offer, and I really appreciate it. He even paid for the play tickets for the date on Wed. I just thought it would be nice to get him a small token of affection. Maybe I should've just sent him a pizza. He loves pizza!