Cheating?

[crossv]

I have been with my b/f for 15 months. I have had issues with trust with my b/f, based on past experiences with a cheating ex husband & "gossip." We live together. He has always said that if he wasn't happy, he would let me know & move on. This past week, I found an email from a "friend." They met at a workshop & a group of them went for drinks. Their work is similar & apparently she asked him for his email address to send him a joke. Long story short, they have exchanged emails, he told her that he was too shy to ask her for drinks, so she asked him. He thinks she is cool & hot & he doesn't want to wreck anything b/w them, would like to get to know her better b/c she also rides dirt bikes like him. When I found the last email, I told him to move out b/c it was clearly more than flirting. I don't know if this was a wake up call for him, he swore that it was simply flirting & if she read more into it, he was speechless. Said he only wanted to be with me, only loved me, laid in bed some nites thinking about our future etc. He didn't end up moving out, he says he has always been a flirt, has always had alot of friends that are girls, even in high school. He has no intention of sneaking around or cheating, says he has a strong character & feels like he is paying for my ex's mistakes. Am I just being gullible, or if he had intentions of cheating with this other girl, would he have taken the opportunity to leave when he had it???

 

Looking for opinions

[zoidberg]

...says he has a strong character & feels like he is paying for my ex's mistakes.

 

Looking for opinions

 

Not to level any accusations here, but this raises a red flag to me. If his character were as strong as he says, then why was he unable to resist the temptation to flirt (assuming that's all it was)?

 

Also, I think it is unfair for him to attempt to divert blame onto you here. You are not the one who carried on a clandestine exchange with another man, he did that with another woman. How do you think he would feel if you had emailed another man saying the kinds of things he said to her?

 

He needs to be understanding of the fact that you've been the victim of a trust-betrayal before, and he should work extra hard to reassure you that you can trust him -- that he's not like your ex.

 

I think people are often too quick to recommend counseling, but it might be a good idea, especially if you are thinking about a permanent relationship. Better to get all the relevant dirty laundry out in the open now rather than later. Something to think about, at least.

[AmItheOne]

wow...the almost exact thing happened to me and my EX boyfriend. We were living together and I found emails with a girl he met over Thanksgiving break (we were both in college, but a little older than college age). He took it a little further, saying stuff to her like he couldn't stop thinking about her and that he couldn't really see spending the rest of his life with someone like me (the bad part was, the emails were from BEFORE we moved in together). When I confronted him, he said he never did anything with her and was just venting because we were fighting at the time. I accepted his explanation (stupidly) but I couldn't let it go, I knew he was lying and I found out that he had the girl visit him in our college town (3 states away, so it was an effort to get her here) just months after I spent 3 months taking care of him after a severe injury (blown knee, sporting accident). I think in my case, I tried to forgive because he had taken on the responsibility of being a dad to my daughter, she even called him dad at his request. Within 3 months of finding the emails, he left us...and now I so wish I could go back and be the one to end it, I should have had that dignity. LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE, he should not be doing what he is doing, you did the right thing!