Jealous of BF's other very close relationships

[seamaid]

Hi,

 

Let me give you the background:

 

This is more of a problem on my end than on his, because he is in just about every way perfect as a boyfriend. He is faithful, attentive, and loving and likes to engage in public displays of affection, even if it discomfits his family and friends (though he would never do it in front of my family and friends, or coworkers, out of respect). He also often does things that make other people go "awww...", like offering me first spoonfuls of his food before he takes a bite. In other words, he constantly demonstrates that he loves me. I know that he loves me, but a few things keep me from being totally happy, and I want to know if I'm just being irrational to feel this way.

 

Everyone's heard of Brokeback Mountain, right? I know that he's definitely not gay (the reasons are too obvious to mention), but he and his friend/roommate "Brian" are very good buddies from way back when. They have a lot of inside jokes, one of which is to pretend that they're gay and say "It ain't nobody's business but our own (wink wink)", a quote from that movie. Now the reason they joke about that comes from the fact that my boyfriend bears a striking resemblance to Jake Gyllenhaal (a bigger-framed, less girly JG). It makes sense to joke like that. But I've heard this joke almost every time I've hung out with both of them. To them it's like background noise, just one more joke in a long stream of jokes. I find it less and less amusing the more I hear it, and I am starting to wish that joke would stop appearing altogether.

 

Sometimes my boyfriend likes to sarcastically say that "he is sexually attracted to Brian" or that "he and Brian have sex every night". None of this is true and it's all a big sarcastic joke to everyone. Everyone but me.

 

My boyfriend and I are like oil and water. In one sense, he totally balances my life and gives me the structure and forethought that I often lack while I add creativity and meaning to his life. In the other sense, we are very different. I've already described his sarcastic humor, which I am slow to get because I take a lot of things rather seriously. He doesn't give much thought to anything spiritual or beyond his current "work, go to the gym, watch TV, eat good dinner, have good sex, go on fun dates with GF" lifestyle. He admits that he's a simple guy. I am artistic and thrive on conversations and activities that are "cultured", "deep", I guess you could say. I adore him and he is very logically intelligent (he's a natural engineer-science type), but needless to say, we don't often have conversations that make me think we're soulmates. We love and take care of each other, in spite of our differences, and we still respect and admire those differences.

 

What am I trying to say... I guess I just feel like I'm not IN on his life sometimes. His sister and he have the same sense of humor and constantly have a running gag going, some inside joke they share and derive great pleasure from (a pleasure I just don't get). I feel left out, even when they try to let me in on it-- it just ends up bothering me more, as though it was emphasizing that I don't belong in his life. The same with Brian and my boyfriend. I feel that what they have is spiritually closer than what I have with him. I feel that we don't get each other, like he and Brian or he and his sister do.

 

Does this mean I should end the relationship? I don't want to, because when he and I are alone, we feel we belong to each other. It is only when my relationship with him can be compared with his other relationships that my sense of belonging with him begins to fall apart.

 

Please help...

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

So... you're jealous your boyfriend has a life outside of you?

 

Would you prefer you were the only person he associated with?

[Outcast]

IMHO, you're talking about what some people refer to as 'chemistry'. A friend of mine calls it 'rapport'. Shared laughter and jokes can be very bonding. It sounds as though, while you love him, you don't feel bonded with him. And that, unfortunately, is not a good thing.

[Guest]

Thanks for your responses.

 

I Luv the Chariot OH, no, I'm not jealous my boyfriend has a life outside of me. I encourage him to have outside hobbies and activities, and I'm happy that he is taking classes at night, even though it takes time away from us.

 

What Outcast is talking about is right on the money. We do have sexual chemistry and that helps us alot. But we don't have whatever it is that he seems to have with Brian and his sister. It hurts me to see that and inflames my insecurities about our long-term potential.

 

I guess it's not a huge deal though, because we do have SOME things that we share that are special just for us. So we do have a bond, beyond the purely sexual. It's enough to have that when we're alone, but when I see him sharing knowing glances and full-flowing conversation and big laughters with Brian and his sister, it suddenly makes me feel glum. I wish I could make him happy in those ways too, even though he says it's quite enough that I make him happy in many other ways. I just wonder what would happen if he met a girl who pushed ALL his buttons, not just some... And I don't want to give him a relationship that's anything less than what he deserves to have.

[organic chemistry]

Have you talked to ur bf about this?

 

I kinda have the same problem. I'm doing ok with my bf. But somehow I don't feel like we are together. We have different personalities, majors, etc etc. And I feel like we can't communicate. The "soul mate" part is lacking.

 

I'm jealous on my bf's relationships too. He has platonic girlfriends that are more "soul mate" than me. My bf denies he has interest in any of his friends. But i'm scare that in a long run he'll dump me for those girls he has so much fun with...my bf just seems happier and smile more hanging out with other friends...With me he's serious and cold and distant.

 

It's gotten to a point I can't stand it. I don't feel like we are together. I told him i felt he had better time with others than me. He said that he put on his mask in front of others. His happy look was to cover up his stress so that people can still hang out with him. But he said that with me he could take off his mask and look just unhappy and serious.

 

I don't know. But you should talk to your bf to see what he has to say