Leaving his wife

[Karis]

We met in the summer and our affair started in December and in these past couple of months things have moved quickly. He saw a lawyer this week and is waiting for the separation papers to come back. He is looking for another place to live (lives and works 2 hours from me) We speak on the phone min. 2x a day and discuss EVERYTHING including our future together. For some reason I feel like the other shoe is about to drop but don't know why I feel this way. Everything I wanted to happen, is happening. I didn't think I would feel this way so fast - neither of us thought it would move this quickly but it is, naturally progressing at a speed neither can control. My question is, will it really work out for us...? I mean, who does it ever work out for? I read about this stuff and it's all negative including the fact that our future looks dismal. We both decided we would like to go to counselling together to deal with this and make a fresh start. Can anyone answer or advise?

Karis

[Seen_It_All]

I've been reading message boards for YEARS - OW boards, BS boards, relationship boards, etc. etc. and predominantly the pattern has always been that a man leaves his wife only to go back. It seems fairly rare when one leaves and STAYS gone.

 

That's my one big caveat - that it's never over til the fat lady sings, as they say. Some men leave their wives, persue relationships with their OW's, then run back home 3 weeks, 3 months, and sometimes a YEAR later. Then they start the vicious cycle all over again by eventually once again leaving their wives and families and going back to the OW - only to repeat this again and again. Eventually, someone in the triangle finally puts an end to it because he can't seem to do so himself. It would seem that overlying all emotion and all desire a man may have to change his situation, he has an even stronger sense of responsibility to his wife and family. This seems to override everything else he may want or desire. I've just seen it replayed over and over and over in so many different situations.

 

Along with the freedom of leaving, a man takes WITH him a sense of failure for having let down his wife and/or family. He doesn't want to look like the 'bad' guy to his friends, family, coworkers and neighbors. He also takes with him a fear of the unknown. He's now leaving his comfort zone for parts unknown. Will he succeed? Will it blow up in his face? Will he regret having left? Will the devil that he doesn't know be better than the devil that he does know?

 

He also faces a change in his financial situation. It may be a long time before he can own a home once again. A good portion of his paycheck will now be going to child support (assuming he has kids). A portion may also go to his wife if maintenance is established. Suddenly, he'll see a big change in his financial stability - to say nothing of what he loses when he leaves if he let's his wife and kids stay in the house, etc. All depending upon his final financial agreement, he could see a huge drop in his financial solvency. Every situation is different, but when a man is looking at losing his financial status, that usually sends them into a tailspin.

 

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is let him mourn the marriage once he's left. Men tend to want to race right past this step and get right into the next 'comfort zone' without doing the difficult work of mentally and emotionally letting go of their marriage and old life. He needs to do this. Alone. I can almost guarantee you that if he leaves his wife's house and goes right to yours and bypasses the mourning period, you're doomed. Make him do his work. Dont' be a soft place to land. That only delays the inevitable down the road.

 

This path you're about to take is fraught with road bumps. Be on the lookout for them and never lose sight of the big picture. Good luck to you.

[PerryMason]

Men divorce and leave their wives every day. 60% divorce rate... the one thing that seems to hold the men with their wives that they don't love anymore is the children. It gets too complicated when chlidren and lots of money is involved. So does he have children?

[Karis]

Thank you for that response. I am going to print it off.

 

He was in town last night and this morning at his sisters house and I saw him briefly last night and this morning. We had a terrible "break" due to me saying I needed the face to face time with him in order to sustain the daily phone chats. He wanted to rush home to speak with a brother - to make arrangements to move in there until he sells his marital home which he says is going up for sale immediately when the paperwork is in order from the lawyers. The separation papers are getting picked up Tuesday.

 

I have told him my main fear is exactly what you said - going back to her, in a month, a year or whatever. When we last spoke this am that was a topic, and he INSISTS this is dead and has been and the only thing he is dealing with now is the guilt over being a failure. I say there must be love involved somewhere, but am told repeatedly no. He says his conversation with his sister last night makes the light even clearer than it was already.

 

He has 2 kids, age 2 & 4.

 

He wants to move out, serve her, sell his home and buy another to live in on his own until the divorce comes through. Once the divorce comes through he wants to use that house as income property - buy another one with me and marry.

 

Do I cut off all contact? For how long? Do I let him know I will be here when all is said and done? Or do I just leave it the way it is now, not speaking and neither of us knowing what we are doing...

He says he is doing this regardless and if he has to let me go he will. He says he hopes that when the door opens at the end I will be there. But he prefer I am here, now and we go through it together...with counselling.

 

Thanks again for your response. You are exactly the person I need advise from as you seem to have a lot of knowledge.

[SoleMate]

IMO, this is moving way too quickly. You started an affair barely 3 months ago...and now you are planning marriage? I would worry about the risk that he may be relying on you just for support and comfort while he leaves his marriage. This could even be unconscious on his part. As seenitall says, men do crave/need the security of a female partner. As he leaves one, the need for another one arises. That need can fade away almost as quickly as it arose.

 

Please do keep in mind that you need to make all your own choices and decisions without regard for his issues - completely different from a normal r/s where you would take both his and your concerns into account. This is the case because the MM who claims to be exiting a marriage is a very high risk potential partner. Please look at his actions, NOT his words, and keep in mind that even if he "leaves his wife for you", you should feel 100% free to walk away at any time.

 

Good luck, I hope you manage your life well.

[Karis]

Hi,

Thanks for your response - Just to let you know, I am not one to jump into things quickly, always been the one to THINK it through properly. Especially as I have a child and don't feel bringing men around is a good choice for him.

 

This hit me like a ton of bricks and I am struggling with my morals big time. Never a believer in affairs and here i am in the middle of one.

 

His actions instead of his words are what is keeping me involved. He says exactly what is on his mind and his actions back those statements up every time.

 

I have conveyed that leaving should not be because of me as I have not guaranteed I will be there. I have refused to "commit" to him in any sense of the word and have made it clear I will not do so until he can commit to me. He has decided that if I am seeing others to keep it to myself.

 

I DO appreciate these comments from you all as I need a hard sharp look at this situation.

 

I moved this quickly only one other time in my life and it was with my son's father...many years ago. I was always the one slowing things down.

[cal gal]

you can only figure that time will show you how it will pan out.

 

he has small children - so he will be tied to the mother FOREVER - can you handle that and be reasonable with all of them, even if the ex is mean to you?

 

you sound as if you might be young (under 30?) take things slow, nobody says you have to rush into anything.

 

if it is meant to work out then you will have the reat of your life with him...

 

if nothing else - ask LucreziaBorgia, she is a master and a wizard at assessing these situations! i am being serious!

 

be patient honey, no need to hurry, his head is full of emotion and nothing good comes from that.

 

good luck

[grateful]

 

He has 2 kids, age 2 & 4.

 

He wants to move out, serve her, sell his home and buy another to live in on his own until the divorce comes through. Once the divorce comes through he wants to use that house as income property - buy another one with me and marry.

 

 

sell "his" home? not "their" home?

 

Is he planning to be the custodial parent? If not, where will his wife and two small children live? Is this not a concern for him?

[Blind Illusion]

I have read a statistic once that said, while it is not the norm for a man to leave his marriage and marry his girlfriend, of those that do, it (divorce) occurs within the first year. Not to give you false hope, but you do have that on your side. (I guess the opposite is the scenario that drags on for years and years with promises to leave that never materializes)

 

I wish I remember where exactly I read that so I could quote it right.

 

Although, the flip side (since I like to look at all angles & try to be objective), the beginning is also when the parties are not thinking as rationally about all the ramifications.

[portableversion]

if you believe his hoo-ey that's 'HE"S' goind to sell the house, blahblah. " And that this will be 'over with' in a matter of weeks.

 

As a matrimonail lawyer, NO JUDGE will allow that immediately, ESPECIALLY if there are children involved. The decision to sell the house is NOT HIS. It's his, his wife's, and the court's.

 

Enjoy the bumpy ride through civil litigation.

[whichwayisup]

Things ARE moving fast. Slow it down, no more sex until the papers are signed and it's a done deal. Work on the friendship part of your relationship because if you don't, it won't last. I could be wrong but, I don't understand how one can divorce and then get into another relationship so fast.

 

Also, his kids are his LIFE too. And his exwife WILL be part of his life forever as well. Be prepared for that. Be prepared to be stepmom to his kids, just as he'll be stepdad to your child.

 

Don't put any expectations on him or give him advice on how to handle his wife now, or anything. Stay out of it completely. Then when it's all done, some time has passed when he's been on his own - THEN you two get together and see if things will work.

[Karis]

Things ARE moving fast. Slow it down, no more sex until the papers are signed and it's a done deal. Work on the friendship part of your relationship because if you don't, it won't last.

 

 

I have a lot to think about, that's a given. I am not that young as one of the posters pointed out and ordinarily have a good head on my shoulders. I'm a professional and like I said, don't normally jump into things. I appreciate the fact that you took my question seriously as this is a confusing time for me. I believe HE thinks things are gonna be a smooth ride. I don't however, which is why I'm here.

 

p.s. - ....there isn't a whole lot of sex going on...we are friends...we talk. A lot.

[scarletletter]

I would definatley be careful with this. Three months is way too early to be changing your whole life for someone. I think you know what you need to do. I would give it more time before either of you decide anything about the future. Enjoy the time you have together and use it to get to know each other better.

[whichwayisup]

I misread, I didn't realize it had only been 3 months.

 

So, I have to really say BE CAREFUL because for him, what if this is a 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" feeling right now. I mean, what if he is about ready to divorce and then he wakes up and realizes wtf am I DOING to my wife and children???

 

Also, jumping in so fast only after 3 months is INSANE. So yeah, definately back off and let him sort this out. If you do love him and he decides to stay at home with his wife and children, be happy for him. Because if this is a thrill, a crush and sex all rolled into one with you - He is in for a rude surprise and will be full of regret at some point in the near future. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I think YOU need to slow it down and tell him to really think about what he wants for sure. Remember, him doing this to his wife, and meeting you - And then wanting to divorce so quickly - He can do the exact same thing to you too in the future. Keep that in the back of your head...Just how your relationship with him started out...

 

Hate to add this in, but I have to...When his wife finds out (and she will) she'll probably do everything in her power to not let him go. More because of their young children. He could change his mind and realize how much he DOES infact love her and not leave. So, be prepared for it all.

[Karis]

I mean, what if he is about ready to divorce and then he wakes up and realizes wtf am I DOING to my wife and children???

Hate to add this in, but I have to...When his wife finds out (and she will) she'll probably do everything in her power to not let him go. More because of their young children. He could change his mind and realize how much he DOES infact love her and not leave. So, be prepared for it all.

 

...you are saying the exact things I say to him. He is the one saying no, no, no and pushing forward. This is the reason we discussed counselling for the two of us. Basically he has said that things were never really good and especially the last 4 years. That when he told her that he had enough she basically said "do what you have to do". I have talked to him repeatedly about her and if this is what he REALLY wants.

[RecordProducer]

It doesn't seem like he will go back to his wife. What it seems like (to me) is that he's been ready for a divorce for a long time. I think he was unhappy with the marriage and when he met you, he realized that he wants to be with another woman, not with his wife anymore. I don't think he is leaving his wife for you, not after a couple months of dating you. He is leaving because he wants to divorce his wife. On one hand it's not flattering for you; on the other hand, it's clearer that way, because you don't have to feel guilty for him leaving his children for you and it makes him a properer man in moral terms. He doesn't want to live in a fake marriage and cheat.

 

He is obviously going to live on his own and date you. Whether he will marry you or not depends on how your relationship will develop. I think this is totally not the case of a married man leaving his wife for his mistress. Once he finds himself free and starts living like a bachelor, he may like it and not want to change it for a while. I think you should concentrate on your relationship rather than worry about him going back to his wife. No man is naive; in order to marry you, he will probably want to make sure that you get along with his children, that the two of you have gone through the basic phases of love, and that you're the right one before he proposes to you.

 

Try not to suffocate him with demands. Let him lead the game of love and pursue you instead. Don't expect anything and you may be surprised. Men go after women who give them space.

[bluetuesday]

if i've got this right you live two hours from him, the relationship is new, it's mostly talking - i assume on the phone - and this man claims not to have any love for his wife, despite spending at least the last 5 years married to her and bringing two children into the world.

 

not to put too fine a point on it, if i was asking the question 'is this man a good prospect?' what would you think?

 

if you feel it is moving too fast, it IS. you cannot, i repeat you CANNOT be sure of your feelings for this man after three months. how much time have you actually spent together during that time? he's married and you both work, so i assume it can't be much.

 

karis, you seem sensible, and you clearly want to get this right.

 

but there are some glaring problems with this. practically as well as emotionally.

 

it's not HIS house to sell. he will undoubtedly be forced by the court to allow the wife and the two small kids to continue living in the house at least until the kids are grown up. that's 16 years minimum from today. he will also need to pay maintenance for that amount of time. unless he's pretty wealthy, he will feel the pinch. and if he IS wealthy, the courts will award a lot of it to his wife to keep her and the little ones in the manner to which they've become accustomed. so however much cash he has, he'll have much less as soon as he leaves.

 

insinct is telling you there is something not quite right. a man who would quit the most important relationship of his life in a flash to begin again is either looking for a way out - and you're providing it - or he's not thinking this through in anything like a rational way.

 

marriage is hard to get out of. the law makes it hard for a reason - it's a huge responsibility to have kids and to leave them.

 

i know you want this man, but think about the man you're wanting. he's someone you don't know that well, and therefore he's someone who's willing to leave his kids for someone HE doesn't know that well.

 

maybe it will all work out, but if it does, you'll be the one in a million who thought her situation was different, and was right.

 

good luck, just don't expect a happy ending. he doesn't sound to me like the knight you deserve. he sounds like a spineless, selfish man who is emotionally needy, and thinks you're the answer to his problems at home.

[mopar crazy]

My H also left me for the OW. He filed for a D, we both signed papers, we both went to court for child support, and alimony. The M was ending, a M that wasn't exactly happy but didn't think he wanted a D, he never mentioned wanting one in the past.

 

I knew of the A (from friends and the OW's own H) but him and the OW denied it, of course. Their A started out as EA about a month or two b4 he decided to file for a D (so he said).

 

 

My children and I moved away out of our family home to go back to my hometown for family support. H stayed in the house. A month or two after the court date H called begging me to take him back. He realized the OW wasn't what he wanted, that the grass wasn't greener on the other side. He broke it off w/ the OW.

 

It took several weeks b4 I decided to take him back and work on our M. He made a lot of changes to make our M work. There had been times where I thought he only wanted me back b/c of money (child support) but then again if he REALLY loved the OW he wouldn't of cared. He would of paid the child support and stayed w/ the OW whom he thought would make him happy.

 

I'm not saying this will happen w/ your situation but I do agree, you are moving too fast. He needs some time to deal w/ the D. He needs time to deal w/ the situation he is going through. He may not be thinking clearly about what he really wants.

[Seen_It_All]

Basically he has said that things were never really good and especially the last 4 years.

 

I don't get it, Karis. If things were especially bad for the last 4 years or so, why were THESE the years that these two produced two small children? TWO kids during the worst years of their marriage? It just doesn't make sense.

 

One more thought you might want to keep in mind is the 'exit affair.' That's when a MM grabs hold of another woman for dear life and basically uses her as the "bridge" out of his marriage. He wouldn't do it on his own but if he's got someone on the other side waiting for him, offering him a soft place to land, it kind of gives him the courage to make the journey out. Once he's out, however, eventually the OW becomes no longer the object of his desire.

 

Since this affair is so new, I'd definitely think about this angle. You don't have a long, emotional history with him - this is a 3-month new romance. His decision, as others have stated, is extremely impulsive and quite frightening when you think about it. I, too, had missed the part about this only being 3 months old. My first post was based more on a long-term affair where he'd finally made the decision to leave and you both had years of history behind you and were ready to take the next step.

 

I think my best advice would be to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

[Chump64]

If things were especially bad for the last 4 years or so, why were THESE the years that these two produced two small children? TWO kids during the worst years of their marriage? It just doesn't make sense.

 

 

It's highly possible that he is either too immature to handle parenthood and the demands that the children took from his marriage / his wife. Or, that his wife flipped a switch to "mommy" and completely neglected him. Kids and marital happiness don't necessarily go hand in hand. Though it would be hard to find out for sure, the truth would be important to know. If you think this man could be part of your future, and you want kids, you also want a man who can handle parenthood.

[Karis]

Or, that his wife flipped a switch to "mommy" and completely neglected him.

 

 

 

This is how he describes it. Well, basically he describes her as someone who doesn't really show emotion, doesn't show the ups and downs. Is always on an even keel about everything. Apparently nothing is worth celebrating, but nothing is worth fighting for either. I don't know. He talks about just sharing life with me, renting movies, gardening, washing the car, just every day stuff. We discuss just hanging out, not doing anything fancy, just passing time together. When they had the first child he wanted to wait before evrn thinking of having another as he knew the marraige was in trouble. "Says" she secretly plotted the second. Says he was angry when he found out but now of course loves them both.

p.s. I have a child who is 14.

[grateful]

sell "his" home? not "their" home?

 

Is he planning to be the custodial parent? If not, where will his wife and two small children live? Is this not a concern for him?

 

 

Karis,

You never answered my question. I ask it again, and as a mother yourself, don't you think it is important?

 

If he plans to sell what you called "his home" out from under his wife and two small children, doesn't that say something about how he might treat you in the future? Is that the kind of man you want in your life?

 

It's like that idea some people have about dating - when you go out to eat for the first time with a man you should watch how he treats the server, because it is an indication of how he may treat you in the future when he is no longer trying to woo you. It's not a perfect test but you don't even need it - - you can just look at his plans for treating his current wife.

[Seen_It_All]

Grateful is absolutely correct. How a man treats his family is a HUGE indicator of his character. Someone who wants to run off and leave his wife to basically raise two very small children is obviously thinking ONLY of himself. He has zero loyalty or sense of responsibility to a family he HELPED create. That's truly FRIGHTENING.

 

Let me ask you, Karis. He claims his wife became too 'motherly' which I agree, is a problem in marriage when parents FORGET they're also adults in a relationship. I agree that can be a problem. However, if you two get together and one day you're promoted at work and start devoting more time to your career, will YOU be the next BW he can't WAIT to leave because it's no longer all about him? If you're giving more to your profession, is he going to be all upset that once again, he's not being catered to, and run off and find YOUR replacement?

 

What if your 14 year old child becomes a 'problem child' at 15, or 16 or 17, and you start devoting more time and energy to trying to solve those issues? What if one of your parents (or a relative) becomes very sick and you must start dedicating time and energy from your schedule to care for them on a daily basis? What if YOU become sick with an illness that limits your ability to give this man what he feels he deserves?

 

What then?

 

Is he going to run off on you, too, because you're no longer giving him what he thinks he deserves if one of the above scenarios actually happens? That's what he's doing to his wife right now. Her only 'sin' is dedicating her life to raising THEIR children the best way she knows how. And this is how he thanks her.

 

I guess as long as you're ALWAYS able to make him #1 - even if Rome is burning all around you - then I guess you have a chance. But quite honestly, a man whose ready to desert his family in search of his OWN ego and satisfaction is one I'd never involve myself with.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

It seems as if he is the one wanting to jump right in and although you question it and him, he is constantly reassuring you. Is this in order for him to ensure himself the "safe landing" others have talked about?

 

For some reason I feel like the other shoe is about to drop but don't know why I feel this way. Everything I wanted to happen, is happening.

 

Maybe it was easy to want what you thought wouldn't happen - no threat there. But, now that it looks like it is going to happen, and he is telling you it is going to happen, the threat is real and you realize you don't want the committment?

 

I also agree with another poster who had said once his wife finds out what he is planning on doing, she will probably do everything she can to make the marriage work and might very well succeed - with both of them ultimately being happy. He may say, even feel, that she doesn’t care, but it just may be that he has never CLEARLY communicated his unhappiness to her and she really is in the dark as to his true feelings. She is busy being a mom to two small children and she is probably assuming that he understands since he is their Father. Some men can handle the attention being taken away from them ... some men can’t.

[Karis]

Karis,

You never answered my question. I ask it again, and as a mother yourself, don't you think it is important?

 

If he plans to sell what you called "his home" out from under his wife and two small children, doesn't that say something about how he might treat you in the future? Is that the kind of man you want in your life?

 

 

 

Yes, it does, say something, I agree. I have taken a step back and am putting some serious thought into everything brought up in this thread. You (all) have raised some interesting points that need to be digested.

*His thoughts on the home were that if they sold it, they could pay off the debts they owe as a couple. Yes the house and cars are all in his name but he states things should be divided equally.*