Leaving his wife

[Chump64]

Many states require that all assets be divided equally, including retirement accounts in situations where one spouse was a stay-at-home parent and had no such retirement account. It's very unlikely that this man's family would be left out on the street. The wife would likely get half of everything, including half of proceeds from the sale of the home. ANd he would more than likely be looking at some very high child support payments.

 

It is a very bad idea for anyone to be married and to have the assets only in ONE of the partner's names.

[Karis]

if nothing else - ask LucreziaBorgia, she is a master and a wizard at assessing these situations! i am being serious!

 

 

who is lucreziaborgia???

[Mistaken Identity]

I agree with everything everyone else has posted. I should add that I had an A with a MM who went so far as to ask his wife for a separation so he could be with me. That was early in the relationship. After a few months, he decided he would stay married but wanted to keep me on the side. Of course I turned him down.

 

So, here's my question: Why hasn't he told his wife about you?

I'm sure the answer is that it will complicate the divorce...

 

I don't like his irresponsible behavior, either, BTW. If the situation were reversed, would you leave your little kids for a married man that you've only known for three months?

[Karis]

So, here's my question: Why hasn't he told his wife about you?

I'm sure the answer is that it will complicate the divorce...

quote]

 

 

He says it would make things worse financially if it came out he was cheating.

[whichwayisup]

who is lucreziaborgia???

 

One of the most amazing advice givers on LS. She is inspirational and wonderful! Just like LadyJane...Though LJ is on vacation for a little while.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, she will take him to the cleaners if she finds out about his affair with you.

 

Remember too, and I hate to say this, but you are hearing HIS version of what's wrong with his wife. That doesn't mean that it's true. It's his frame of mind, and also he is involved with you so he isn't as emotionally attached to her. Its' probably pretty easy for him to spout off things to you, vent away and make her look like the bad guy in the marriage. Chances are things are NOT as bad as he is making it seem. Honestly, I don't believe for a second that she trapped him into another child. Just don't trust him 100%. He is LYING to his wife, to his CHILDREN, to his parents, inlaws, friends, neighbours, co-workers...So, why wouldn't he bend the truth and lie abit to you. Just don't put all your faith and trust into him.

[Karis]

I actually just got off the phone with him. Funny story. He has been talking for 3 weeks how he's leaving. Told me he went to the attorney's to start proceedings for separation papers. (this was last week sometime) Told me he had to go to real estate office to find out info on house to put IN the separation papers. Told me he is leaving this Tuesday. That's the day, this coming Tuesday - papers or no papers, he's gone.

 

Well. I have the weekend free as my son is away this weekend. MM is not working this weekend. He has been telling me how BAD things are at home. Funny thing though he hasn't mentioned once about coming to see me at all over the weekend. He is 2 hours away, could come for an afternoon, an evening. Anything.

 

When I addressed this with him, his comment was - "Well I can't just disappear off the face of the earth". My comment was..."When a man loves a woman as you say you love me, they move heaven and earth to see that women. You have made no mention whatsoever of wanting to come see me. THAT pretty much tells me all I need to hear." I mean, hello!!!

 

His response was to try and tell me that he does love me, blah blah blah and how he doesn't know what's going on...he may be leaving actually this weekend but didn't want to say etc.....Stated how I need to be patient and reminded me how we talked about all this etc....how he was leaving to go to his brothers on Tuesday...on and on.

 

My response was "You are trying to make ME feel bad for stating how I feel about things. The fact that you aren't coming to see me speaks volumes and you're trying to make me feel like I am being selfish and not understanding? I told him that I did NOT appreciate that and I am not taking on that guilt as I felt that it was HIS guilty conscience speaking out and HE can deal with it, not me. Told him I am hearing everything I need to hear and basically that's all I am doing is HEARING. Anyway, he said he was sorry blah blah blah. Told me he had to go into work as he was starting in 5 minutes - (which he was) and he would call me in a little bit as soon as he got settled in. Know what? I'M NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE. I have this whole weekend free and I shall go out and attempt to find a free man. Wish me luck, I suck at this - been single for FIVE YEARS! arghhhh

[grateful]

Hi Karis,

 

There's something kind of off in your last post. You come off as a bit self involved. Say for instance this is his last weekend at home. Would you begrudge his children any of the time with their dad before the family is broken up? And your response is to go out and find a free man - - this is eventually a good goal but it sounds like this weekend you are using it as a bargaining chip with your MM. If he doesn't drop everything (his wife, his two kids) and come running when you call you will go out immediately to find a man.

 

It sounds like I'm coming down hard on you but I point these things out because you seem very sensible but caught up in a situation that creates big, glaring blind spots. You might consider rereading your posts, imagining they were written by a friend of yours, and see if you can recognize the blind spots. Is it possible this relationship with a MM is making you into someone you don't recognize? Causing you to do things you normally wouldn't? And validate actions you normally wouldn't condone?

 

Good luck.

[Karis]

Dear Grateful:

 

I think I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Lost is the only word I can think of. Reading your post makes me feel bad as this MM has called me approx 15 times since last nite and left message upon message. I have ignored all of them.

 

I honestly don't know what to do.

I have said things that are not me since this whole thing started. I told him that once. That I had said and done things that I have never done or said. You're right - this is turning me upside down.

 

Again, I really don't know what to do.

[grateful]

Karis - -

It wasn't my intention to make you feel bad. I've been there where a relationship makes me into someone I don't recognize. It's make you feel horrible about yourself and then it makes your mad and resentful at your partner for putting you in the position of becoming someone you are not.

 

Have you thought about backing off for a bit? Don't see him this weekend, don't look for a replacement. Just pamper yourself and do your own thing. Tell him you need time to yourself (text him or email him if you still don't want to answer the call). If he really leaves on Tuesday, he needs time to sort it out and grieve the relationship. If its meant to be between the two of you, some time after all of that would be the better time to lay the foundation.

 

Then the relationship starts on the right foot - instead of these little games and insecurities and all this other junk that makes you feel lost.

 

Hang in there

[whichwayisup]

I think for your own sanity and peace of mind, you need to give yourself about a month away from him completely. Clear your head, see how you feel when you don't hear from him at all. And that means absolutely NO CONTACT!

 

That time apart will either make it or break it. I mean, what if in that month, as much as you may miss him, YOU feel good. Then you could realize that you're better off without the MM and that craziness that comes with the situation you're in.

 

Please consider this option. Not for him, but for you. Put yourself FIRST for a while.

[Karis]

Yes,

Time to myself is needed. I think I need to see for myself how much, if at all he wants to be with me. WITHOUT my interference.

 

He made a comment last time we spoke - about having to accept the loss of material things. Especially his home. He was poor when younger and felt proud for having accomplished all he has. He told me he needs to accept that it will all be lost, knowing though, that it can be rebuilt. Told me it may take time for those thoughts to settle.

 

I just don't think I am cut out to be the OW. I hate the sneaking around - is not thrill to me, let me tell you. How do people stretch this out for years? I'm a wreck after a few months...

 

I have been really really physically tired the last couple of weeks. Never been so tired before. I'm getting lots of sleep but I can't help but wonder if it's this RL doing it to me.

 

Thanks for the replies, guys. You really are helping me.

[scarletletter]

Maybe he is actually being honest with you. I'm sure it is hell to break off of your family, children, all ties and all things you know as your life. Maybe he does need some time to think about things. I would try to give him some time even though I can understand that it must be so hard trying to figure out what he is doing and why. If he comes to you after all of the termoil is calmed down, then you will know that it was meant to be. I hate defending a mm but it really does appear that he cares for you deeply and maybe he does just need some space to let everything sink it. It must be heartbreaking to leave small children and for them to be too young to understand why.

[whichwayisup]

Not only that, but for yourself. The NC is for YOU mostly. See how YOU do without him in YOUR life. Don't do no contact to see how much he misses YOU.

 

He more than likely isn't going to leave her, so unless you enjoy the rollercoaster ride you're on, it's time to really sit and think about what you are doing with a man who is married to someone else, and you're number three on his list. Obviously wife/children are number 1 and 2.

 

What are you getting out of this that is so wonderful? I'm sure the time alone spent together is amazing, but is it worth all that pain? Don't you feel you deserve someone who will love just you. Put you first, and spend holidays together, birthdays, and actually share a life together, instead of hiding it and sneaking around, lying to everybody?

[933KJL]

Yes,

Time to myself is needed. I think I need to see for myself how much, if at all he wants to be with me. WITHOUT my interference.

 

 

Karis---gimme back my avatar. It is copyrighted!

[whichwayisup]

Karis---gimme back my avatar. It is copyrighted!

 

... ...

[THX2000]

Yes,

Time to myself is needed. I think I need to see for myself how much, if at all he wants to be with me. WITHOUT my interference.

 

He made a comment last time we spoke - about having to accept the loss of material things. Especially his home. He was poor when younger and felt proud for having accomplished all he has. He told me he needs to accept that it will all be lost, knowing though, that it can be rebuilt. Told me it may take time for those thoughts to settle.

 

I just don't think I am cut out to be the OW. I hate the sneaking around - is not thrill to me, let me tell you. How do people stretch this out for years? I'm a wreck after a few months...

 

I have been really really physically tired the last couple of weeks. Never been so tired before. I'm getting lots of sleep but I can't help but wonder if it's this RL doing it to me.

 

Thanks for the replies, guys. You really are helping me.

 

Keep your head up Karis. Whay would you want to do this to yourself? You know what's been going on is wrong and you are doing the right thing by walking away. Even if this guy does actually leave his wife are you prepared to be the next person he cheats on with the next OW? I see you are also in Ontario - spring is almost here and the sun is out today in London. Get outside and enjoy the weather. Meet some new people and find a man that respects you enough to not have you be the OW and will make you the most important person in his life.

[Karis]

- spring is almost here and the sun is out today in London. Get outside and enjoy the weather. Meet some new people and find a man that respects you enough to not have you be the OW and will make you the most important person in his life.

 

HAHA I am in London also!

Going out with all the girls tonite to celebrate a friend's birthday. Been out all day in my new car, a convertible. Wanted to take the top down, but not quite warm enough yet. I feel good today. No, I feel great.

[933KJL]

London Ontario or London England?

[Karis]

I live in London, Ontario

 

Anyway, the married guy showed up at my place last night at 4:30 am. Drove 2 hours in the rain because I wouldn't take his calls. Said it took me not talking to him for him to really realize that he is not ready to leave. He deathly afraid of what is going to happen, with the kids and more so financially. Is really afraid of losing everything. Again, with the story of how he never had anything and now is going to have to start over. He kept saying how sorry he was to hurt me. Told me he never lied to me about anything and that he meant everything he said. I told him I knew he wasn't leaving Thurs. night when we spoke on the phone which is why I ended it and stopped talking to him. He says he IS leaving, just not sure when. I said "Ahhhh, and here it starts, all the typical excuses that married men use". He says he is coming back to me and hopes that he isn't making the biggest mistake of his life by taking a chance I won't be there. I have told him from day one that I am not the kind of person to date a married man but knowing (ya, haha) that things had been moving along - that he had started the process, I had stayed. Told him that my perception of him has now changed knowing he would be ok seeing me and still being with her without putting things in motion. Asked if he could call. I basically said no thank you. Asked if he could take me on a proper date when he was free. Asked me to promise I would take his call if I was available at that time.

 

Know what? I realized during this conversation that he will not be back. The guy told me he snuck out of the house to come down here. She didn't even know he was gone!!! He thinks he loves me and thinks he means everything he says. But he didn't drive all the way here for my sake. He did it for himself. To make himself feel better and rid HIMSELF of his own guilt. I know that. So I let him off the hook. Told him what he needed to hear, that I forgave him and it was ok. Wished him good luck

 

Anyway, can't help but feel sad today. I don't really have anyone to discuss this sadness with but you guys. I will not see him or talk to him though, as I really am not going to date a married guy. I deserve more.

[whichwayisup]

This had to happen for both of you to open your eyes and SEE the full picture.

 

There is waaaayyy too much history and family in his life to end it all. He isn't going to leave it all behind for you and an unknown future. I don't say that against you, at all...YOU DO deserve a man who will love just you and not someone you have to share. That sucks but in a way, that is the life of the OW who involves herself with a MM. Being far down the list in priority.

 

Stay strong and let him go. It's the right thing for you, and it's time. His actions or shall I say, NON-actions have shown you. He isn't worth it. And even if he did leave his wife and kids - IS that the type of man you want? If he could leave them, he could do it to you in the future in a heartbeat. Could you really trust him 100% and not ever worry he might be capable of cheating on you?

 

Keep on saying that to yourself, you DO deserve more. You are sad right now, but the more time that goes by the less it will hurt.

 

Good luck!

[Walking away]

Karis,

 

Hold on strong, girl.

 

I am going through a tough breakup right now, too. Keep your head up, walk away with dignity and class. You are a special person, and you must believe that.

 

With that said, I know it is impossible to get rid of the feelings at once. I am still waiting for the onslaught of pain to fully hit me. My MM's wife found out about me a few days ago, and the defining moment in his marriage occurred. He chose her. Yet, he is still contacting me...telling me he loves me...you know how it goes.

 

You, I, or any other woman in this situation do NOT want someone who doesn't want us fully. Yes, maybe they care. They most probably do. But, here's the thing....if they cared as much as they said, they would move heaven and earth to be with us.

 

Now, I am not minimizing the trauma of destroying a once happy home, or the horrific feelings behind leaving a spouse and children. It is hard. I have done it. But, we have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on. It is counterproductive to stay and wait. They made their choices. Now it is up to us to make a choice and stay away. I am. And so should you.

 

Start NC immediately. Do not respond to his calls or e-mails. And do not call him or contact him. Take your power back and move on. Life is too short to be miserable and that is what you will be if you stay in this dysfunctional relationship with him.

 

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

[Karis]

You, I, or any other woman in this situation do NOT want someone who doesn't want us fully. Yes, maybe they care. They most probably do. But, here's the thing....if they cared as much as they said, they would move heaven and earth to be with us.

 

He sent an email to me at work Friday and this is the reply I sent back Friday afternoon...he will get the email late tonite when he goes in.

 

” No matter how charming he is - actions speak louder than words. If he's left her and filed divorce papers he's serious, if he hasn’t, he's not. It’s that simple.

…a man will move mountains to get to the women he loves and wants…”

 

That will be the thought that stays with him as the last thing I said to him...

[Walking away]

I agree Karis. People are known to go literally to the ends of the earth to get to the one that they love. It hurts, but at least we know where we stand.

 

The best revenge is living life well.....Do it and so will I.

 

Remember, we have hope for a bright future....If they don't get help in their marriages...and they won't because they won't be honest with their wives about us....what future do they have to look forward to?

[Karis]

The best revenge is living life well.....Do it and so will I.

 

You're on. We can be each other's support. I'll know you're out there doing what I'm doing...one day at a time. Starting anew without him.