Leaving his wife

[Walking away]

I am here to support you. One day at a time. That is the only way to make it through....

 

We can do this. Just hang in there. I have confidence in both of us.

[Karis]

He called this am. Didn't pick up. Heard his msg. regarding the fact that he had his cell phone bills forwarded to my address a couple weeks ago.

 

I did call him back to say that I will email him when the bill comes in for the purpose of giving him the amount, but after that the bills need to go somewhere ELSE.

 

He used this phone call to start talking about how his vacation time is still booked when I have mine off...etc...I miss you etc. I made no return comments except to say, sorry am running late for work. Must go. Bye.

 

I am proud of myself that I said ONLY what needed to be said and that is it. There are no other ties to us, so no need to respond to any more of his voicemails or emails. I read through this forum daily....helps to keep things in perspective.

[Walking away]

I, too, am not responding to his contact. He did call me today at work. It set me back a little in my recovery, but I am on surer footing now.

 

Hang in there....you are doing great.

[Karis]

Just an update on my situation. After having absolutely NO contact with MM things have changed dramatically. He left his wife and filed for divorce. She has moved out of their home and the house is up for sale. How do I know this? I have been to their home and spent time there. I am free to call anytime I like. He spends weekends with me. His wife actually called me and we have spoken. She knows I exist and verified that the marraige is over. She told me if he came back to her though, she would take him back. I asked her if she wanted me to back off...telling her I would do so, but she said nothing. She has called a few times - just to try and understand I guess. Funnily enough, we find we "like" each other...as best as we can under the circumstances. She was kind to me and I in return. His whole family knows about me and I believe it will be hard to overcome being the "other woman" but MM says if they don't come around, is their loss. Anyway, for now I am the one holding back. I don't think we're out of the woods yet, but is looking up.

[Jessie61]

Just an update on my situation. After having absolutely NO contact with MM things have changed dramatically. He left his wife and filed for divorce. She has moved out of their home and the house is up for sale. How do I know this? I have been to their home and spent time there. I am free to call anytime I like. He spends weekends with me. His wife actually called me and we have spoken. She knows I exist and verified that the marraige is over. She told me if he came back to her though, she would take him back. I asked her if she wanted me to back off...telling her I would do so, but she said nothing. She has called a few times - just to try and understand I guess. Funnily enough, we find we "like" each other...as best as we can under the circumstances. She was kind to me and I in return. His whole family knows about me and I believe it will be hard to overcome being the "other woman" but MM says if they don't come around, is their loss. Anyway, for now I am the one holding back. I don't think we're out of the woods yet, but is looking up.

 

Karis,

 

I have followed your thread and I am delighted to hear your news. I really hope things work out for you.

 

At times I have not understood the hard time your MM was given; most of the threads are about how the MM will never leave the W, and here is one MM that promised to do it, took steps to do it. And now he has done it! Remember it is not an easy thing to do!

 

I agree with Record Producer who wrote about a month ago; I think that he made up his mind a long long long time ago that his M was a failure and then you came along and he knew it was time to go. No, I am not saying that YOU are the cause of the M failing, far from it, it was already dead when you entered the scene. But sometimes you need one last ingredient before you take action....?

 

Now I think you should just enjoy what most of us OW don't get to enjoy! Take it one step at at time and see what happens?

 

All the best! I hope everything works out for you.

[Sami_D]

Looks like he finally overcame those cold feet!

 

About his W saying she'd have him back... I wouldn't worry too much about it. This man seemed really sure he wanted out from the first, and that his M was over before you were on the scene. I don't think he wants to go back. But since W knows about you, she probably sees you as the reason he left. I don't think you were the reason the M ended.

 

Anyway... how are you feeling now after all you've been through? How is he feeling now he's made that decision?

[Karis]

But since W knows about you, she probably sees you as the reason he left. I don't think you were the reason the M ended.

Anyway... how are you feeling now after all you've been through? How is he feeling now he's made that decision?

 

 

She does think I am the reason, and has been telling his whole family that he had an affair and left her for the OW. Except for his mother, his family seems to have picked her for now. Inviting only her and the kids to family functions and birthdays, leaving him out in the cold. Some family members are not speaking to him. He says if they don't come around they will lose him as he is starting to get mad now.

 

To be honest I gave him a really hard time. It's only been the last week or so that I have accepted he has really come to me and it's for good. I almost blew it with him as I just could't feel secure enough with the relationship to just "go with it" and let myself feel that I can trust it will be there in the future. To tell him I love him and not be so damn serious all the time. He was getting mighty tired of telling me that YES, he is here and NOT going back!

 

It's true those of you who said he made up his mind a long time ago that his M was a failure and then I came along and he knew it was time to go. I am not the cause of the M failing, it was already dead when I entered the scene...

 

He is very happy with his decision. The problem is that W kept telling him that what he was looking for DIDN"T exist. That once you are married, the romance dies and you just live your life...because that's how her mother lived and now her. She doesn't realize that it takes work, but you can have those special moments between one another - that they don't have to die. She says he should just accept that about marraige and needs help because he left his family. Tells him he is extremely f*#'ed up because he is looking for this "dream" of having a partner to really spend his life with. He asked me once if he was expecting too much, if maybe she was perhaps right. Told him about how my parents still have dates and hold hands and do things together. It is possible. Told him to look around at all the cute couples that still hold hands and love each other.

 

Right now we are both happy and although our relationship is going through a lot of crap that most people don't start off with, he says it will make us closer and now we know we can get through anything since we are sailing through this. Divorce, not sure of the final date, he is pushing for immediate and pushing adultery as the cause hoping it will speed up the process. Yesterday he asked me to think about what kind of wedding I want.

[Jessie61]

Thanks, Karis, for your "up date"! Please keep posting to let us know how things are going!

 

Yes, things are going to be difficult for a while, but eventually the dust will settle. I think your MM (what am I saying??? Your BOYFRIEND!!!! ) seems very determined about what he is doing. Look after and enjoy each other!!!

 

It is so refreshing to read about a MM who wasn't a cake eater and who did leave!!!

 

Wishing you the best!

 

J

[THX2000]

HAHA I am in London also!

Going out with all the girls tonite to celebrate a friend's birthday. Been out all day in my new car, a convertible. Wanted to take the top down, but not quite warm enough yet. I feel good today. No, I feel great.

 

Wow, small world isn't it? Co-incidentally, I also just got a new convertible and have been having a blast with it all week!

[Blind Illusion]

I am glad this worked out for you. Since I wasn't familiar with your story, I read your first post (and subsequent ones). You mentioned both of you getting some counseling with this. That might not be a bad idea. can't hurt anyhow.

 

While there are cake eaters and those looking to alleviate boredom, etc, I think a good chunk of affairs are symptoms of dead or bad marriages and not the cause of them.

[beachrosie]

While there are cake eaters and those looking to alleviate boredom, etc, I think a good chunk of affairs are symptoms of dead or bad marriages and not the cause of them.

 

That was the best sentence I have seen on this website to date. Not that everyone else doesn't provide amazing and incredible insight...but this is an absolute truth. Thanks.

 

My MM has moved out, but moving out wasn't necessarily for me. He is staying out because of me as the wheels move forward and I see him taking steps. His marriage is one that has frightened both their families and children, for fear of her disorder. I do feel bad for the situation, but realize, like for many, we have to face fear head on to get over to the plato I like to call happiness.

[Jessie61]

 

My MM has moved out, but moving out wasn't necessarily for me. He is staying out because of me as the wheels move forward and I see him taking steps. His marriage is one that has frightened both their families and children, for fear of her disorder. I do feel bad for the situation, but realize, like for many, we have to face fear head on to get over to the plato I like to call happiness.

 

Beachrosie,

 

I have obviously not met you nor your boyfriend and I don't know you at all, but I always got the impression that your BF left his M because of HIM, not you. Yes, he moved fast from the start and while it concerned many on this forum, I thought it looked more like he had decided a long time ago to leave and that you gave him that last reason to go now, as opposed to later. And, yes, you give him a reason to stay out too.

 

Please stay in touch with us to share your experiences. I suspect that you are one of very few OW/OM's who went on to become an "official partner" and I am sure that we can learn loads from you!

[lovernotafighter]

Beachrosie,

 

I have obviously not met you nor your boyfriend and I don't know you at all, but I always got the impression that your BF left his M because of HIM, not you. Yes, he moved fast from the start and while it concerned many on this forum, I thought it looked more like he had decided a long time ago to leave and that you gave him that last reason to go now, as opposed to later. And, yes, you give him a reason to stay out too.

 

Please stay in touch with us to share your experiences. I suspect that you are one of very few OW/OM's who went on to become an "official partner" and I am sure that we can learn loads from you!

I totally agree and would love to hear more about the outcome.

 

good luck I hope it turns out for the best

[BUTAFLY]

a co-worker of mine left his wife for his mistress and they have been married for a little over a year. with that being said during their engagement he carried on a relationship with me and managed to keep the engagement secrete. so I guess it can work if you want to take it that way. but Know if he did it once he will do it again.

[Jessie61]

a co-worker of mine left his wife for his mistress and they have been married for a little over a year. with that being said during their engagement he carried on a relationship with me and managed to keep the engagement secrete. so I guess it can work if you want to take it that way. but Know if he did it once he will do it again.

 

Sorry, I don't agree. I think it is totally unfair to assume that everyone is the same. I have a friend whose boyfriend left his W for her. They have been together for 10 years now and they are so happy together. And he is NOT straying just because he strayed once.

 

Yes, there are loads of b*****ds out there, but not all exMM/exMW are!

[Karis]

I think there are two stories going on at the same time in this thread. I'm not familiar with your story Beachrosie....but it sounds positive!!

 

 

 

 

Now that my MM has left and we are together he keeps telling me that I better be the one who is sure. Says he will NEVER go through this again and now I am stuck with him for life.

 

Yes, I believe some guys are always on the lookout for the next fun escapade, but not all. Same with a single man. Some are playa's but not all! You can't link them all in the same way. Now that my guy has come to me, it's hard to see it any other way. He is here 100%.

[Jessie61]

I think there are two stories going on at the same time in this thread. I'm not familiar with your story Beachrosie....but it sounds positive!!

 

 

Karis,

 

Sorry this was my mistake. I was quoting Beachrosie, but it was actually in reference to YOUR story!

[Patricia]

I've been reading these posts for months now, never really posting anything. But you are so right. My MM left me again two weeks ago. He is married some 19 yrs, three kids. He says he hasn't been happy for at least ten years. I know that it was the financial worries that probably sent him back, the last two times he said it was for his kids. This time he left when I was at work, never saying a word. Infact that morning he got up with me, watched me get ready, I even got back into bed with him to cuddle a little, then I left for work. He called me in the morning to tell me how pretty I looked. When I got home in the evening, he was gone. Left me a note saying that he knew it would never work, we were two different people this time. This time I do take some of the blame. I couldn't trust him 100% because of what he has put me through in the past two years. He kept saying that I needed to put it all behind me so we could move forward, I told him that he caused all the hurt I had gone through and he said that he would be patient. We became friends first at work. It'll be two years next month that he started asking me out to lunch almost every day. We enjoyed being with each other so much. One night at 11:30pm on June 25, 04, he called and asked me if I wanted company. He had left after another fight. She thought he was going to his usual hotel, never imageing that he'd be leaving her for another woman, which he has never done before. She talked him back beginning of Sept. because the kids weren't doing well and school was starting and they needed him. He went back, asking me to wait. We both cried alot that night. He came back within two weeks. She did some crazy things with his guns, got arrested in front of their kids, but she was released the next day after spending the night in the mental inst. She was diagnosed okay, but he came back to me after that. He stayed until the following January when she kept the kids from seeing him for the whole month. By the end of January, he went back "because of his kids". He stayed for a total of four months. they're anniversary happened during then. But he wasn't gone two weeks before he was saying he still needed me in his life. When he could tell I'd had enough and was moving on with my life, he came back June 05. She kept his kids from him AGAIN for the entire seven weeks, and he ended up going back because of them again. He was there this time for five months and came back mid January 06 after I didn't talk to him for two weeks. He could always tell when I'd had enough. In January he swore (again) that this was it, he'd thought it over, his kids would be okay, he wanted to be with me and just be happy. But we had more small arguments this time than we'd ever had before. We never really fought before. I was honest with him and said that I felt very insecure and didn't know what would trigger him to just leave again. And to myself I saw character flaws I didn't see before. From August to December, we were seeing each other everyday at work, morning, lunch and afternoon. He admitted he was lying to her and making her think he loved her because he needed to stay long enough to get out from under some debt. He knew they'd owe taxes, and was worried she wouldn't pay her half, etc. They split everything down the middle. The day he asked me to take him back, he had me help him leave. He rushed to do that before his kids came home from school, she was at work. It made me wonder why he couldn't stay to explain to his kids, but he said he'd talk to them later. He left me this time exactly the same way. Now I know how his kids must have felt when they realized their father was gone again. I just saw alot of things in him I didn't notice before. There was a hard edge to him this time. He still did everything for me to show me that he loved me. But I think he saw that he wasn't going to be able to fool me anymore about some things that I kept questioning. I also wondered when he came back if I could trust him not to cheat on me. It really ate at me that I couldn't in my heart trust him the way I wanted to. And he must have sensed that. His wife tells me that he forced his way back this time, she wanted me to take him back. She admitted that he would go back and forth until one of us put a stop to it. She says she will always take him back because his kids want their father. Those two are using each other, he takes care of the kids cause she works late hours and weekends, he's the one that cleans the house, feeds the kids, etc. he likes that she makes a good salary and combined they have no money problems. She had him served in March with a court date in April to ask for maintenance. He asked me what that meant, since he'd never been through a divorce before. I explained that she wanted the courts to grant her spousal support and child support. (He refused to get a lawyer, said he couldn't affort one) He didn't know why she was doing that when he was giving her $2,000/mo already. I asked him what if she was able to get more? and he said then he'd insist that they sell their house. But I reminded him that in Oct 04, he quit-claimed it to her when she told him to. The look on his face told me that he was stunned. And I wondered if he would get cold feet again. And I was right. He's gone back after just two months. I can't keep doing this to myself. He has not contacted me at all. I called to talk to him the next day but he wouldn't talk to me, instead she and I talked (civily). He was sitting there hearing us both compare notes, finding out that he was lying to both of us. I'm sure he's angry that I revealed practically everything he and I had done each time he went back and that we never stopped seeing each other. I felt that I always knew what he was doing there, how he was lying to her and just buying time. I wanted her to know that it wasn't just about the sex with us. I miss him terribly and I have tried to email him and call him, but he isn't answering me. I can't believe all his words of love to me, all the heart to heart talks we've had about our future was just one big lie. He has always told me that he doesn't love his wife, the times they tried, he said it wasn't happining because it just wasn't there anymore. I'm so mixed up wondering what truth did he ever tell me now.

[Patricia]

I've been reading these posts for months now, never really posting anything. But you are so right. My MM left me again two weeks ago. He is married some 19 yrs, three kids. He says he hasn't been happy for at least ten years. I know that it was the financial worries that probably sent him back, the last two times he said it was for his kids. This time he left when I was at work, never saying a word. Infact that morning he got up with me, watched me get ready, I even got back into bed with him to cuddle a little, then I left for work. He called me in the morning to tell me how pretty I looked. When I got home in the evening, he was gone. Left me a note saying that he knew it would never work, we were two different people this time. This time I do take some of the blame. I couldn't trust him 100% because of what he has put me through in the past two years. He kept saying that I needed to put it all behind me so we could move forward, I told him that he caused all the hurt I had gone through and he said that he would be patient. We became friends first at work. It'll be two years next month that he started asking me out to lunch almost every day. We enjoyed being with each other so much. One night at 11:30pm on June 25, 04, he called and asked me if I wanted company. He had left after another fight. She thought he was going to his usual hotel, never imageing that he'd be leaving her for another woman, which he has never done before. She talked him back beginning of Sept. because the kids weren't doing well and school was starting and they needed him. He went back, asking me to wait. We both cried alot that night. He came back within two weeks. She did some crazy things with his guns, got arrested in front of their kids, but she was released the next day after spending the night in the mental inst. She was diagnosed okay, but he came back to me after that. He stayed until the following January when she kept the kids from seeing him for the whole month. By the end of January, he went back "because of his kids". He stayed for a total of four months. they're anniversary happened during then. But he wasn't gone two weeks before he was saying he still needed me in his life. When he could tell I'd had enough and was moving on with my life, he came back June 05. She kept his kids from him AGAIN for the entire seven weeks, and he ended up going back because of them again. He was there this time for five months and came back mid January 06 after I didn't talk to him for two weeks. He could always tell when I'd had enough. In January he swore (again) that this was it, he'd thought it over, his kids would be okay, he wanted to be with me and just be happy. But we had more small arguments this time than we'd ever had before. We never really fought before. I was honest with him and said that I felt very insecure and didn't know what would trigger him to just leave again. And to myself I saw character flaws I didn't see before. From August to December, we were seeing each other everyday at work, morning, lunch and afternoon. He admitted he was lying to her and making her think he loved her because he needed to stay long enough to get out from under some debt. He knew they'd owe taxes, and was worried she wouldn't pay her half, etc. They split everything down the middle. The day he asked me to take him back, he had me help him leave. He rushed to do that before his kids came home from school, she was at work. It made me wonder why he couldn't stay to explain to his kids, but he said he'd talk to them later. He left me this time exactly the same way. Now I know how his kids must have felt when they realized their father was gone again. I just saw alot of things in him I didn't notice before. There was a hard edge to him this time. He still did everything for me to show me that he loved me. But I think he saw that he wasn't going to be able to fool me anymore about some things that I kept questioning. I also wondered when he came back if I could trust him not to cheat on me. It really ate at me that I couldn't in my heart trust him the way I wanted to. And he must have sensed that. His wife tells me that he forced his way back this time, she wanted me to take him back. She admitted that he would go back and forth until one of us put a stop to it. She says she will always take him back because his kids want their father. Those two are using each other, he takes care of the kids cause she works late hours and weekends, he's the one that cleans the house, feeds the kids, etc. he likes that she makes a good salary and combined they have no money problems. She had him served in March with a court date in April to ask for maintenance. He asked me what that meant, since he'd never been through a divorce before. I explained that she wanted the courts to grant her spousal support and child support. (He refused to get a lawyer, said he couldn't affort one) He didn't know why she was doing that when he was giving her $2,000/mo already. I asked him what if she was able to get more? and he said then he'd insist that they sell their house. But I reminded him that in Oct 04, he quit-claimed it to her when she told him to. The look on his face told me that he was stunned. And I wondered if he would get cold feet again. And I was right. He's gone back after just two months. I can't keep doing this to myself. He has not contacted me at all. I called to talk to him the next day but he wouldn't talk to me, instead she and I talked (civily). He was sitting there hearing us both compare notes, finding out that he was lying to both of us. I'm sure he's angry that I revealed practically everything he and I had done each time he went back and that we never stopped seeing each other. I felt that I always knew what he was doing there, how he was lying to her and just buying time. I wanted her to know that it wasn't just about the sex with us. I miss him terribly and I have tried to email him and call him, but he isn't answering me. I can't believe all his words of love to me, all the heart to heart talks we've had about our future was just one big lie. He has always told me that he doesn't love his wife, the times they tried, he said it wasn't happining because it just wasn't there anymore. I'm so mixed up wondering what truth did he ever tell me now.

[movinon05]

OH MY GOD! I feel like I just read my life story with my MM. I don't know who is worse! You need to start your own thread with this story.

 

and whatever you do, get out now. don't give that spineless jellyfish another chance. ugh. i feel like i'm in deja vu or something.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Patricia -

 

What you have (are) going through is horrible. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I have to ask though, since this has gone on over and over ... if he came back, yet again, will you take him back?

[zarathustra]

Patricia - I am so sorry to hear your pain. I felt it too. Reading it and experiencing it too. My xMM left his wife for me and lived with me for a few months only to go back. Had she taken him back the first time he asked, he would have left me without so much as a note. So, I'm really really sorry to hear about what you are going through.

 

One thing for me that has helped (and we split up 6 months ago) is to send him an email to let him know how sorry that I cannot live up to promises I made to him to spend my life with him, care for him and to love him. I told him that I realized that I needed him to allow me to be in his life if I were to keep those promises. As we work together still, in close proximity, I have asked him to keep his distance and to only talk to me about work related issues.

 

It was really hard for me for a long time. I questioned how someone can wake up next to me each morning and tell me that he loves me each day when me wake up and when you go to sleep and do what he did to me? I asked him that before I sent him my email. He said his actions were dispicable and that he was very very low. He said he was very sorry for how he treated me. I told him that there are things that people can do to you that an apology just does not suffice. What he did was one of them. Just remember yourself that you are lucky to be rid of this spineless coward. You deserve so much more!

[Patricia]

I have to ask though, since this has gone on over and over ... if he came back, yet again, will you take him back?

 

 

I've been asking myself this since he left two weeks ago. I've always told him that I would only take him back if he was divorced. He says that takes six months, and he can't afford a place of his own. I do love him very much still. Even though I've found out this time all the lies he's told me, I've already forgiven him. When his wife called me a week ago saying to come get him out of her house, that she didn't want him there, the marriage was over. I knew she made the call for another reason. They were fighting and she knows how to push his buttons. She went on to say, I know you love him, I can hear it in your voice. I told her yes I did, very much. Then she says that she won't be able to give 100% to their marriage knowing I'm out here ready to take him back. Yet she admits that she'll always take him back because of their kids. She says that when he left this time, she moved on and was dating someone. She said that he only came back when he found that out. I don't know if I can believe anything she says, like the fact that he's been unfaithful during their whole marriage. The man I fell in love with was not the same man she's describing. I know I'm stupid, but yes, I would take him back again. I know how it feels to be in his arms, hearing him say that this is what real love is. And I'm missing him so badly right now. These past two weeks I've hardly eaten much, or slept much. I lie awake wondering if he's thinking about me too. I tried to call and email him for a week and a half. He hasn't return my messages. He's never done this before, kept himself distant from me.

[serial muse]

Patricia - I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I feel for you. I just wanted to respond to this:

 

The man I fell in love with was not the same man she's describing.

 

because the man you're describing - who won't return your calls, who flipflops back and forth between you both and is careless of your feelings, and has lied to both of you to spare himself pain - that's not the man you fell in love with either, I'd guess. And now you're experiencing him first-hand, not through her words. I'm so sorry. I know what that feels like. But I don't think that man exists. :(

 

You're probably right that the wife is pushing his buttons by calling you. But on the other hand, it only works because he told a lot of lies to both of you, and he doesn't like being called out and forced to account for his actions. You can't still think that this is what "real love" is, can you?

[StrivingtoSucceed]

She says(wife)/he says. Something that will continue to go back and forth. This cycle will not change and you will never know the whole story.

 

His wife says she will continue to take him back. Whether he has done this before you, or not ... she is obviously telling the truth and will continue to take him back ... at least as long as she has the excuse that she is doing it for the kids. I’m sorry, how old did you say they are? If they are young, she will use this excuse until they are out of the house. Are you actually willing to put your happiness on hold for that long if that is the case?

 

You have forgiven him already, even though he hasn’t asked for your forgiveness, or more importantly deserves it. You have taken him back several times, even though he treats you just as he treats his wife. Again, this cycle will not change.

 

Also, you have forgiven him before this last time as well. However, you didn’t forget ... which is why you were letting him know your insecurities. In order to forgive him, you would have to let it all go. Otherwise, you are constantly throwing it in his face each time you bring it up (yes, I know he deserves it). Are you really that ready to take him back and NOT be on guard for the next time he will do this again?

 

I’m sorry, but this isn’t what real love is. That isn’t to say that he doesn’t love you, but I don’t think his type of love is what you want for the rest of your life.

 

I don't think at this point you can believe him if he comes to you and say's yes I am getting a divorce. He has already said/done that. Only if he actually gets a divorce would I begin to think that he has changed his colors.

 

Again, I am sorry for your pain ... but you can start to take control by not letting him do this to you again even though I understand it won't be easy.