Leaving his wife

[officespace]

Patricia - I am so sorry to hear your pain. I felt it too. Reading it and experiencing it too. My xMM left his wife for me and lived with me for a few months only to go back. Had she taken him back the first time he asked, he would have left me without so much as a note. So, I'm really really sorry to hear about what you are going through.

 

One thing for me that has helped (and we split up 6 months ago) is to send him an email to let him know how sorry that I cannot live up to promises I made to him to spend my life with him, care for him and to love him. I told him that I realized that I needed him to allow me to be in his life if I were to keep those promises. As we work together still, in close proximity, I have asked him to keep his distance and to only talk to me about work related issues.

 

It was really hard for me for a long time. I questioned how someone can wake up next to me each morning and tell me that he loves me each day when me wake up and when you go to sleep and do what he did to me? I asked him that before I sent him my email. He said his actions were dispicable and that he was very very low. He said he was very sorry for how he treated me. I told him that there are things that people can do to you that an apology just does not suffice. What he did was one of them. Just remember yourself that you are lucky to be rid of this spineless coward. You deserve so much more!

Z, I don't think I've ever heard your full story? Do you have a thread I can read thru?

[officespace]

sorry for the tagent message above.

 

patricia....i am one month out on NC. My MM I suspect has bounced back and forth more than I know. I re-read some of our old conversations from when it started. I'm realized that the back-and-forth stuff WILL continue until one of you stops it. do you want to be in a relationship of 3? i don't. i finally got sick of it. i could sense when the were fighting as he would pul closer to me and on the surface, i was happy about that. but honestly, it made me sad that ANOTHER woman would be the cause of him pulling closer to me. do you want to be intimate and love and commit to a man that is doing the same things with another woman? i don't think you do. it's so hard to see straight when you are deep in the situation. but this cowardly, deceptive behavior you are now seeing......i hate to say this to you, but that IS who he is. the other stuff was what we all do.....put on our best face in the courting phase.

 

what about holidays? holidays for you? have you spent any with him, or does he go and "be with the kids" (and her). that's the deal breaker for me. i had my heart smashed during christmas (they were 'separated' spent the holidays together 'for the kids'". i got myself so worked up for valentine's day....i made him commit to it a month previous. i spent that night with him but even then, even with that small victory, i could see him staring off into the distance at a few points, thinking of valentine's days past with her. i don't want to be with someone who is thinking of another woman on valentine's day. do you?

 

even if he does love you, he is NOT READY for a relationship with you. and i suspect that he would do what my MM did. big, romantic talk in the beginning about marriage, love of my life, kids, future, wedding....etc..... When it's safe to say all those things. Over time though as the divorce became a reality, that talked faded away and morphed into "let's take this slow.....no need to rush.....i don't want to do to you what i did to the ex."

 

some guys can't fully commit to anyone (or anything) and some guys are too weak to be alone. they do the monkey bars things with relationship -- meaning, they won't let go of the first bar until the grab the 2nd one.

 

we're not doing that to them. we couldn't imagine being with someone else at the same time, i bet. but how can they? think about it. they MUST by these actions feel differently about us than we do about them. don't listen to the words. watch the actions. good luck, sister. i'll be thinking about you.