trying to move on, yet lost passion

[pandnh4]

last night i finally went out for the 1st time in 3-4 weeks when my ex and i broke up... my friend's gf was celebrating her bday and she invited me along so i decided to try to get out of my rut and socialize a bit...

we went out for drinks at a nice, swanky lounge but i did not partake in drinks, just stuck to tea... felt weird being out again, almost as if i wasn't quite myself but it was cool, got to catch up with my friends and meet some new people...

well i noticed this one young lady that was very cute with another small group of friends... at one point i just started talking to her, don't really know how this happened because it really isn't like me... she was a bit buzzed but definitely friendly; we got along pretty well and had quite alot to talk about... well, i got her number when she left so i was pretty happy about that... first time trying since my recent breakup and it went over pretty well...

the thing is i feel a little disturbed now... i'm not exactly sure why, i guess i felt a little awkward at times, almost as if i didn't know how to talk to a stranger, let alone pick up a woman... i wasn't necessarily going for a pickup or anything , just trying to rebuild my confidence, social skills, and passion... however, i almost felt compelled to ask her for her number since we had been speaking for so long; i'm not even sure how interested i was...

ther other thing too was that, realizing how simple all this was, i started thinking about my ex and her moving on... how obvious it is that she'll get hit on anywhere she goes and how easy it is to give a number out... it upset me thinking of her moving on and finding someone else... i don't want her to see anyone else, much less ever fall for another person... the night out for me just put all this in perspective and it hurts alot...

not really sure how to handle this... still can't seem to let go, even in good company or around other women who express interest... it almost feels like i'm cheating on my ex or being unfaithful... is this normal? how can i better cope with this and the traumatic thoughts of my ex? i feel really anxious and upset...

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Pandnh4: "not really sure how to handle this... still can't seem to let go, even in good company or around other women who express interest... it almost feels like I'm cheating on my ex or being unfaithful... is this normal? how can i better cope with this and the traumatic thoughts of my ex? i feel really anxious and upset...

 

The fact you even went out is amazing and shows that you are, at least, trying to move on, -and being out in the company of others didn't hurt you, either.

 

No, -you are not cheating on your ex, -you are trying to work through a whole gob of emotions that have left you feeling 'less than' in some way.

 

You are not 'less-than'.

 

Breaking-up takes the wind out of you and leaves you feeling dumped-on, (in some cases, even if you are the 'dumper').

 

It makes you feel unsure and uncertain about who you are, what you can accomplish, and really messes with your confidence, and self-esteem, -something that has a more profound, lasting, and destructive effect in key areas, it seems, in more males, than in women.

 

You question your method of approaching a female, you question everything about yourself: your looks, your words, your very self-worth, -and that self-doubt can keep you stuck in a 'go-nowhere zone' for a long time.

 

That is, -until you've had your belly full of it, and you force yourself to break out of that fearful, insecure, too self-conscious frame of mind.

 

You'll know it when you're ready, -you'll have simply had enough of feeling disconnected from a certain 'normal' happiness, -and life, in general.

 

Look, everything she does with her life, -every time you see her, or think about her- has an effect on you when you're focusing on her, -the loss of her, in particular.

 

It seems impossible to not think of her, -but too much thinking can keep you there in that very unhappy, dark place you are in mentally.

 

Try to set aside time for the review, limit yourself to few minutes of it, and then purposely distract yourself from the thoughts by doing something that demands your full attention.

 

Most human beings have a certain stubborn trait that keeps popping up: we want to be happy, -and you'll fight for that, soon enough.

 

Soon, it won't matter what's up with her life, or how she's living it, nor who she's with, -you'll be focusing on where you're at with your own happiness and where you're headed.

 

I promise you, -if you were a mentally healthy individual to begin with, the stages we naturally go through will have their way with this, and you'll find yourself doing just fine without her, someday.

 

It's important not to dig in the wound and remember to show some love to yourself everyday: be good to yourself.

 

As for the hurt you keep feeling, -hurt normally gets reconciled over time and finds it's proper place somewhere in your emotional storage bank for your future (wise) reference with other situations you will encounter.

 

Keep relating to people in-person, -not just on these boards, -meet the world face-to-face and there will be a time when you find you aren't thinking about her, -nor missing her, at all.

 

***The only person you are cheating is you, if you choose not to interact with real-life people.***

 

You can do it.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

Look, everything she does with her life, -every time you see her, or think about her- has an effect on you when you're focusing on her, -the loss of her, in particular.

 

It seems impossible to not think of her, -but too much thinking can keep you there in that very unhappy, dark place you are in mentally.

 

Try to set aside time for the review, limit yourself to few minutes of it, and then purposely distract yourself from the thoughts by doing something that demands your full attention.

 

Most human beings have a certain stubborn trait that keeps popping up: we want to be happy, -and you'll fight for that, soon enough.

 

Soon, it won't matter what's up with her life, or how she's living it, nor who she's with, -you'll be focusing on where you're at with your own happiness and where you're headed.

 

I promise you, -if you were a mentally healthy individual to begin with, the stages we naturally go through will have their way with this, and you'll find yourself doing just fine without her, someday.

 

It's important not to dig in the wound and remember to show some love to yourself everyday: be good to yourself.

 

As for the hurt you keep feeling, -hurt normally gets reconciled over time and finds it's proper place somewhere in your emotional storage bank for your future (wise) reference with other situations you will encounter.

 

Keep relating to people in-person, -not just on these boards, -meet the world face-to-face and there will be a time when you find you aren't thinking about her, -nor missing her, at all.

 

***The only person you are cheating is you, if you choose not to interact with real-life people.***

 

You can do it.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

 

 

Wow, you touch upon exactly what I am going through. It feels like the weirdest limbo. The more I try to move forward the more I find myself lately realizing that I'm doing this to get over thinking about the ex and then that starts a cycle of not wanting to think about him only I end up thinking of him and then that leaves me feeling disconnected and angry at myself. All in all I know this is not being good to myself despite my saying I' am going to be happy again' 'I am going to be happy again.' I wonder if this is a new pattern I've developed to keep me from getting out there and trying to connect again to anyone?

[riobikini]

It's just the fear, InSync...and you can overcome it, too.

 

Make yourself begin practicing it, -and forgive yourself of feeling unsuccessful at it, beforehand.

 

Who knows, til you give it few stabs, whether or not you can overcome it?

 

Try it, -you, actually, at this point have virtually nothing else left to lose.

 

I, personally, think getting your feet wet again, so to speak, will broaden your concept of what it really takes to tackle the fear, and establish a few seeds of confidence that, by the way, you need to start rebuliding.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[pandnh4]

hi rio, thank you for your lovely and insightful posts...

i appreciate the support; it's hard getting myself to move on and even think about other women while i'm still in love with my ex... i feel like i am trying to force myself to stop loving her and it just doesn't feel natural to me... at least not yet...

so after much encouragement from my family and friends i tried calling the other young lady that i just met... got her voicemail but hopefully she will call back... at the very least she might make a nice friend or acquaintance...

i guess i've kind of been stuck thinking that dating had to be serious and i forgot about the concept of exploring potential partners... the thing is, for me, i've never really been in that situation before... all of my past gf's have just kind of become my partners very quickly...

the only girl i ever really dated was my ex... and it took 2 months before we decided to be a couple officially... now when i think of dating it reminds me of those times when i would call her, make plans, court her, etc...

hard to think of trying all of this with someone else... so maybe it's just time to be a little more adventurous, work on friendships first, and see what happens...

in sync, i know exactly how you feel... in time it will get better, i'm sure... i've been through this before... it's just that when you finally do recover and feel that liberation, you never really think about having to go through a similar pain and misery again...

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Pandhn4: "...when you finally do recover and feel that liberation, you never really think about having to go through a similar pain and misery again..."

 

It's just that very concept which tells us that we do, indeed, recover from the pain of heartbreak to be courageous enough to love again.

 

Some get so mired up in the bitterness that they find it difficult or impossible to move past the hurt, and wind up in therapy, at best, -or hating the world, at worst.

 

Still, whatever it takes to pull you through it, (therapy, ice cream) -it is worth it, because life is just so meaningless without the presence of some type of love in it.

 

But, I've said it over and over, again, in many ways on these boards: the most important person to learn to love -first and foremost- is ourselves.

 

Until we can appreciate our own creation, we certainly have little capability to churn out a true love to someone else.

 

The task of loving ourselves is one of the reasons I support AlphaMale's Guide To Keeping Women Around.

 

It may sound like a group of silly ideas crudely thrown together, to some, (I've read the criticism) -but my take on it, is that it's a very insightful and truth-rendering post about knowing what you are capable of swallowing in terms of allowing your self-esteem and self-confidence to be trampled, all in the name of love.

 

Self-respect is a form of loving yourself.

 

No one should have to give up their self-respect to gain so-called 'love' from a relationship.

 

It's a give-give thing in my book, -and a healthy give-take, only when you know what you can give up, -as well as what you can take.

 

So, it's worth noting that you need to be acutely aware of what your limits might be on a few things concerning yourself.

 

(Smile)

 

Back on topic: love changes us, -there's no question about that.

 

It's just that we should all allow ourselves the opportunity to heal correctly, -and that, sometimes, requires a little help from our friends who've been there.

 

Take care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[In Sync]

RE:

 

But, I've said it over and over, again, in many ways on these boards: the

most important person to learn to love -first and foremost- is ourselves.

 

Until we can appreciate our own creation, we certainly have little capability

to churn out a true love to someone else.

 

.... knowing what you are capable of swallowing in terms of allowing your

self-esteem and self-confidence to be trampled, all in the name of love.

 

Self-respect is a form of loving yourself.

 

No one should have to give up their self-respect to gain so-called 'love'

from a relationship.

 

It's a give-give thing in my book, -and a healthy give-take, only when you

know what you can give up, -as well as what you can take.

 

So, it's worth noting that you need to be acutely aware of what your limits

might be on a few things concerning yourself.

 

 

-Rio

 

 

Once again you hit dead on my circumstance.

To anyone who is involved or was involved with someone who did not respect

you in your relationship, do not underestimate the damage to your self

esteem and the aftermath of that effect of what it does to you long after in the name of love. I was unfortunate to have found myself involved with a person who didn't value me nor showed appreciation. We would all love to say we have a healthy dose of self esteem, but at certain phases in our lives espcially when we say we are in love, if ones self love is not rock hard your esteem can be chiseled down, as in my case I sacrificed my self-esteem to such a harsh degree because I didn't want to let go. SO I put up with and ignored my ex's behavior and bit by bit my esteem dwindled.

I imlpore any of you our there that is involved with someone who doesn't make you feel good...walk NO run away because the feelings you put up with afterward in trying to rebuild are painful enough.

I do recognize now that it's important to shore up and tighten that self love and yet juggle the phase of not going too far that it's not turned to fear of letting anyone near to my heart again...

 

Now that it's over it has been a long road to rebuild that self love and hand in hand let go of that fear to connect again.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

[

B]InSync[/b]: " I imlpore any of you our there that is involved with someone who doesn't make you feel good...walk NO run away because the feelings you put up with afterward in trying to rebuild are painful enough. "

 

 

Perhaps, it's not so much that they should be responsible for making you feel good, -because, as we know, in any relationship, we sometimes, don't exactly feel those over-the-top, ecstatic 'in love' feelings, and besides, we are, ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

 

But I do get your jest, that being around them -in their presence, speaking to them, living with them- should be a pleasing, non-stressful experience, for the most part.

 

Perhaps the more important point, though, is that they shouldn't always be making you feel bad.

 

(Smile)

 

Yours,

-Rio

[In Sync]

...

 

 

Perhaps the more important point, though, is that they shouldn't always be making you feel bad.

 

(Smile)

 

Yours,

-Rio

 

 

Yep, that's what I was trying to get across. If someone is making you feel bad by their behavior towards you, don't rationalize it or accept it..get away. Too often we stay with the person convinced that this is love and at the same time the partner is just not respecting you. It feels bad, but we let it go. I say pay attention and remove yourself just for the sake of protecting your self esteem alone.

[pandnh4]

yeah, i know the feeling... whenever i would do something wrong or just not do what she ideally wanted, i would get scorned and insulted... however, this only started during the last few months of an almost 8 month-long relationship... probably once our communications issues had taken a turn for the worst and we both developped bad habits...

of course, it was so hard for me to remove myself from the relationship because i had invested so much time and emotion into it already that i wasn't ready or willing to give up... i made excuses for her, accepted her abuse, took the blame for more than i should have (since she actually blamed me for becoming the way she did), and then what happens? she flakes on me...

hey, i'm not perfect... i was the first to admit it and i even went to seek help... i'm disappointed that she never really cared to join along or see things for what they were really worth... =(

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Pandnh4: "....once our communications issues had taken a turn for the worst..."

 

The above red flag, is why some, (especially women) -after noticing the sudden, or dwindling lack of words being exchanged- dive in and ask, " Is there something we need to talk about, honey?"

 

Leave it to women to pick up on the 'little things', right away.

 

Never underestimate their natural-born intuition with relationship problems.

 

(Smile)

 

In nearly every relationship failure, whether it's the female making the break or the male, -she'll already have some idea it's coming, -not always- but in most cases.

 

And if she's the one initiating the break, chances are, you can bet all your bed feathers that she knew it well in advance, and had already gone over her exit plan, at least, a couple dozen times, before you ever had a clue.

 

Communication is surely a big issue that has potential to branch into many areas of topic discussion.

 

See a few brief words from my thread on the subject just posted recently (post #123), in the link given below:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t78836/9

 

 

Hope it helps.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. And try to ignore the silly guy in my thread who posted just previous to the post number I gave, who was desperately trying to pick me up (laughing) -off the 'Coping' board, no less!