I love my mother but...

[boshemia]

My Mom drives me insane. I just got off the phone with my cousin, we joke that we are the black sheep branch of the family... the two of us and another cousin. My mother has apparently been telling her mother all sorts of terrible things about me, which I already suspected but this one was pretty bad even for my mother...

 

apparently I am now faking MS... I'm so good at it I not only have myself but my doctor convinced as well. I thought it was fibromyalgia, but when I lost most of my ability to walk a week ago I finally went to the doctor...

 

Doc doesn't know if it's MS for sure because it requires an MRI, and without insurance an MRI can be pretty pricey. When I told my mother the news she looked at me and asked if I could work for her the next day.

 

I've been in constant pain for two years, and I knew she didn't believe me... but now? I'm not sure what to think.

 

I love my Mom, and we have always had a strange relationship, she kind of has me over a barrel because I'll do anythng for my Grandmother... if I upset my Mom she'll go to my Grandmother and get her upset and then I'm the bad guy... so she sort of makes me do things by having my grandmother ask...

 

but why the need to turn the other family members against me? I feel like washing my hands of the whole clan, I mean I'm already the black sheep right? I'll take care of my Grandmother becuse I adore her... but if the rest of them are going to listen to my Mom maybe I should just let them???

 

My mother is a selfish person, and I accept that. I don't expect her to change, my grandmother has supported her for the last 10 years and probably will until she is broke or gone... then it's supposed to fall to me I guess.

 

She has never hugged me, and saying I love you is mostly out of the question. She has blown off my illness for years now, except...

 

When someone gives HER sympathy for it... right after she asked me to work someone came in, and they watched me hobble out of the store. I heard them say "She looks like she is in a lot of pain..." I turned around and saw my Mom putting on her best sympathy face, and saying "Yeah, not good... they don't know what's wrong with her..."

 

She didn't even flinch when I told her... she just asked me to work, and then asked me about helping her do some heavy lifting!!!!

 

so more of a vent than a request for advice... but sometimes this is my only safe place to vent...

 

I can't get rid of her, I can't stand up to her... so what DO I do?????

[Guest]

i have been looking all day for a place like this. I know exactly how you feel about vacillating between wanting to be rid of your mother (and family) and not being able to stand up to her if you choose to maintain a relationship. My mother is SUCH a control freak. I am 28 years old and she gets angry if I don't consult her on every decision in my life. Her quote is always "I have the RIGHT to know!". When she gets angry, she cuts me off, runs her mouth about me to my older sisters (whom she adores) and basically turns the whole family against me. Then when I show up to "obligated" family events, the tension is so thick you could choke on it. The last four things my mom got angry about were: 1. She got angry at me for not consulting her when I decided to change jobs. 2. She became angry when she demanded to know how serious things (i.e. when am I getting married, are we discussing marriage) were gettting between my boyfriend and I, and I told her that "yes we are serious but that is all the information I have". Again she used the phrase "I have a RIGHT to know what's going on in your life". 3. I did not consult her when deciding which school I was going to for my nursing degree. She wanted me to move back in with her and go to school in her town. She insists on paying for my school even though I have told her REPEATEDLY that I am paying my way. She still thinks she's paying. 4. I have been saving for a breast augmentation for abour 1.5 years. I finally made my last payment last week and scheduled a date. I told her that I was having surgery and when and she got pissed off that she didn't know I was saving money. It's my money bitch, I earned it and I don't have to consult you for s***!

 

My mother has in the past used money and gifts to control me. THis is why I cannot take a dime from her for my school. or a wedding if she doesn't scare off this guy. She always fights back by calling me ungrateful and selfish. I swear my family feels like a cult sometimes. They think that everyone should drop what they are doing and spend all of their free time together as a family. Which would be fine but I do not like my family. They treat me like a family pet. At the past thanksgiving, there was no room for me at the table. I had to eat in the living room, alone. If that doesn't send a powerful message...I'm sick of hurting and not living to my potential because of the invasive and controlling nature of my mother. She is somehow emeshed and oddly distant at the same time. And the truth is I hate her. I love her but mostly I feel hate towards her. She acts like a jealous boyfriend. I think at this point I have been pushed so far, after years of her criticism about my weight (I am not even remotely overweight), my dress, my appearance (a lot of focus and criticism was placed on my appearance and I have always been an attractive woman although I have trouble feeling it very often), the way I act, eat, just anything you can imagine. She was also a work a holic who basically ignored me except to criticize and yell at me. But amazingly enough she writes me off as being "too sensitive" or altogether feigning ignorance at the whole matter.

 

Right now, I am so full of rage and fear that I have no choice but to change this situation. I am overwhelmingly afraid that my mother is going to f*** up my life (via f***ing with my head, making me doubt myself, running off my relationships.) that I literally feel as though I have no other choice. No more "talks" to try and rectify things, nothing.

 

My boyfriend and I are planning to elope towards the end of the summer and I am dreading the onslaught of that. I'm sure she is going to turn in into something about me being selfish and not including anybody and (her favorite) me being a "terrible communicator". I might communicate with her more if she was such a demanding bitch. at this point I just want the stress of her to be gone. She needs to quit thinking that I "owe" her something. She treats me like an object. not a person. an object that she ignorantly thinks she owns. she will never control me again. ever. it has cause such damage to my esteem and self confidence and the more I realizing what the dynamic of this relationship has done, the angrier and more fed up I become. and the need to detach is so strong due to my own fear that if I don't eliminate this I will become a failure. I dno't know if this makes sense. I feel no need to discuss my feelings with my mother about my change in behavior. she has never been considerate of my feelings and I don't trust her. this isn't about her but about my sanity and my life. my life that I will not waste another minute because of these ingrained criticisms. I want my mastery back! I want my confidence back! and by damn I'm taking it back and f*** her in the process. she will reap what she has sown in this relationship. i feel strong. and i will not cower or back down. i will survive her!

[clandestinidad]

Oh my....doesnt this sound familiar!!! Hahaha

 

Its so nice to hear that I'm not the only person here dealing with this. I posted about this the other day (in "Controlling Parents" thread), it might sound like some things you've dealt with too!!

 

 

So.....what do we all do about this? Cut them off cold-turkey, or work into it gradually?

[Milo]

I had a girlfriend in college who constantly dealt with grandparents who were like this. It really is best if you refuse any and all monetary gifts and cut down on how much you talk to them. My grandmother on my mother's side was this way as well, always meddling in other's affairs and manipulating people to do things more to her liking. On the flip side, I would encourage these people to take very, very long transatlantic vacations and see the vast world. Send them not-so-subtle hints like maps, plane timetables, and books about exotic destinations unknown.

[catgirl1927]

My mother was like that. My parents were both physically abusive, my father relied on beatings and psychological warfare and my mother just belittled me my whole life. I haven't spoken to either one of them in almost 15 years, and although my family was very cruel about it at first, they are slowly coming around and realizing that those people are just bad people and the only way to save yourself is to stay away. My brother and sister are still taking money from them, so they hate me, but they also couldn't keep their asses out of the fire without my parents, which I think is just pathetic.

 

It's such a shame when parents treat their kids like toys, like they aren't real people and don't deserve respect. I refuse to have anything to do with them. And when my boyfriend's mother deliberately ruined his Christmas last year, I wrote her off as well. I know it's sounds selfish, but I don't waste my time on people who think of cruelty as a sport.

[penkitten]

i wonder if they are secretly laughing behind her back when she hangs up the phone , "listen to her insisting that her own daughter could fake ms. everyone knows you cant fake ms!!!"

 

and see thats the thing, you cant fake ms.

 

and theres another thing, she didnt ever listen to you tell her the dr needs you to take a mri to find out , and finding out what the problem is, the diagnosis is crucial. there are lots of different meds to help you deal with the pain, and not even all of them work, but you have to start with the mri.

 

can you file for some sort of state medical insurance such as medicaid?

call your drs office and ask what can of resources are out there to help.

 

you should have this done, and take your cousin with you for support.

[boshemia]

I got the MRI scheduled... almost $3000! Wow! Next Tues hopefully we will know for sure.

 

My Grandmother is insisting that she goes with me, I told her that a friend of mine offered and she said no... I guess I need to remember how lucky I am. My Grandmother took a big part in raising me, and she has always been there for me. Though it is really ironic...

 

A few years ago we decided my 75 year old Grandmother was not longer able to drive by herself, and now... she is saying I am no longer able to drive by myself!!! Too funny! She said she wants to be there for me and I'm glad...

 

My Aunt does believe my Mother... and I almost got upset about it but I decided it's not worth it. If it isn't MS then it's a blessing, if it is... well then that's almost a blessing as well. To have a name for what is going on with my body, and to know that there may not be a cure but many people have found successful ways of treating it, there's hope...

 

And according to the messages here... my mother could be much worse. I have scheduled counseling with the family pastor... and what I think I'm going to do is ask them to help me sort out what issues are important and what issues are just irritants but liveable.

 

Then we are going to call a family meeting, and set some boundaries... that seems to be the big problem with all of us on this post... our boundaries are blurred or nonexistant with our parents... A surveyor can tell you where your property ends and your neighbors begins... we need that with our parents and family as well don't we? Don't you wish you could hire personal boundary surveyors lol?